Holy day from hell. And it all has to do with work. The good part is that I have a job, and nothing bad happened to me today. The bad part is... The computers were down, in various ways, all day. And I, being the lucky person that I am, was the only person the system would allow to 1) clock in and 2) be cashier. And that was only after we were open for an hour and having to process every credit card transaction with a crappy hand machine. So yea... Stressful.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that due to another (ex) employee, I went to work two hours early today (she had two no-calls/no-shows earlier this week) and opened after closing last night. I'm NOT a fan of only having eight hours between shifts.
On a different note... Emails were exchanged last night and very early this morning. They started with a not-so-nice one from me, followed by a not-so-nice one from him, followed by an apology from him and then a couple of others. I continue to worry about him, but am going to limit my contact to Wednesdays for the time being. I guess they will be "Happy Hump Day" messages. As much as he is used to doing everything on his own, for reasons I DO understand, I want to remind him that he is not alone.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
DAY 58, Post 2
With friends and family who love me and have always wanted to see me reach my full potential, I've never had to worry about receiving an earful of encouragement, advice or criticism, even when I didn't want it. And although I haven't always listened, I'm extremely grateful that these wonderful people are in my life.
I sit here at work, on my break, thinking about people who don't have the support I do. They struggle through life, no one to guide them or hold their hand, or even to tell them when they've fucked up (pardon my language). They repeatedly make the wrong mistakes, and like an idiot expect a different result each time. And unfortunately for some of these people, when something good does come to them, they find a way to mess that up.
I think I've been an enabler of such people. I've tried to be a nice person, and as such have not given the (constructive) criticism that was due. And it's as detrimental to me as it is to them. I stand by, caring and worrying, offering my positive emotional support, yet nothing is gained. For me or them. They still haven't learned as I chose to be quiet with my opinions and thoughts. And that sucks for the both of us. Because while things could change, they don't.
So what do I do? Change myself for other people? Or can I look at it as changing myself for myself? Speak up when I have an opinion at the risk of hurting others? And I have to ask myself... What does God want me to do? Because my current ways don't seem to make a difference. And that makes me one of those idiots.
I sit here at work, on my break, thinking about people who don't have the support I do. They struggle through life, no one to guide them or hold their hand, or even to tell them when they've fucked up (pardon my language). They repeatedly make the wrong mistakes, and like an idiot expect a different result each time. And unfortunately for some of these people, when something good does come to them, they find a way to mess that up.
I think I've been an enabler of such people. I've tried to be a nice person, and as such have not given the (constructive) criticism that was due. And it's as detrimental to me as it is to them. I stand by, caring and worrying, offering my positive emotional support, yet nothing is gained. For me or them. They still haven't learned as I chose to be quiet with my opinions and thoughts. And that sucks for the both of us. Because while things could change, they don't.
So what do I do? Change myself for other people? Or can I look at it as changing myself for myself? Speak up when I have an opinion at the risk of hurting others? And I have to ask myself... What does God want me to do? Because my current ways don't seem to make a difference. And that makes me one of those idiots.
Monday, March 28, 2011
DAY 57, Post 5
Now I'm 95% sure about what I saw earlier. And instead of being angry, I'm just sad.
Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this? I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before? I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.
I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish. An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is. And it sucks. Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.
While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful. And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others. And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit... Be honest already! What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be? Only more hurt for you AND other people!
Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this? I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before? I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.
I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish. An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is. And it sucks. Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.
While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful. And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others. And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit... Be honest already! What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be? Only more hurt for you AND other people!
DAY 57, Post 4
I wish I had one of the bags of sour cream from work at home with me tonight so that I could beat the crap out of it. Seriously, pound all the thickness out of it, four times as much as I need to at work. THAT'S how freaking irritated I am right now.
Why? For no concrete reason, but for a reason I'm 75% sure about. I'm not going to say too much more, but if a whole bunch of little clues add up to what I think it COULD be, then there's a BIG lie at the other end. And I HATE lies.
No joke, if I had a punching bag in my bedroom right now, Julie would be calling the cops, thinking someone was having the shit beat out of them. But now, it would just be me, probably beating the shit out of my hands.
Please, God, let me be 75% wrong, and let the right path be being taken. I don't want to believe that what I saw could be the truth.
Why? For no concrete reason, but for a reason I'm 75% sure about. I'm not going to say too much more, but if a whole bunch of little clues add up to what I think it COULD be, then there's a BIG lie at the other end. And I HATE lies.
No joke, if I had a punching bag in my bedroom right now, Julie would be calling the cops, thinking someone was having the shit beat out of them. But now, it would just be me, probably beating the shit out of my hands.
Please, God, let me be 75% wrong, and let the right path be being taken. I don't want to believe that what I saw could be the truth.
DAY 57, Post 3
I've realized I'm tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of worrying. Tired of the drives out there. But I want it to be worth it. I don't want to doubt my reasons. I want to know that I'm doing what I should be doing. BIG sigh.
On a positive note, my boys are home with me. Right now they are sharing Goldfish with Penny and asking what we're having for dinner. And I don't have a clue. Honestly, I don't feel like cooking. And I worked until 3pm and had my employee meal when my shift was over so I'm not really hungry.
On a positive note, my boys are home with me. Right now they are sharing Goldfish with Penny and asking what we're having for dinner. And I don't have a clue. Honestly, I don't feel like cooking. And I worked until 3pm and had my employee meal when my shift was over so I'm not really hungry.
DAY 57, Post 2
I have to share this... I was in tears as I watched this segment on Saturday Night Live this past Saturday Night. Although politically incorrect, the "Human Suitcase" part at the end had me laughing hysterically...
Saturday, March 26, 2011
DAY 55, Post 2
Apparently worrying is sinning. But is it so bad when I'm worrying about someone else, rather than about myself? Worrying that he's not feeling alone, even though Jesus and others (including me) are there for him?
I'm working today. Finally on break, and looking forward to getting out at 5pm. As much as I would love to take a ride tonight, the laundry, dishes and other small messes in my apartment call to me. And once again, if this is THE weekend, I don't want to possibly interfere. So again, I won't email or try to contact otherwise.
But damn, I worry.
I'm working today. Finally on break, and looking forward to getting out at 5pm. As much as I would love to take a ride tonight, the laundry, dishes and other small messes in my apartment call to me. And once again, if this is THE weekend, I don't want to possibly interfere. So again, I won't email or try to contact otherwise.
But damn, I worry.
Friday, March 25, 2011
DAY 54, Post 5
I've come to the realization that my thoughts, my worries, are impossible to silence. So is, apparently, the backspace key after an evening out involving a bottle of Merlot.
I had a pleasant evening out in the company of a nice guy, but the whole time I was thinking about, and worrying about CL-WoW. Even now, bundled up in my bed with my legs wrapped around my body pillow, my thoughts remain on him. How is he doing? Is he alright? Could he use someone to talk to? Could he use a hug?
Seriously, the backspace button on my Blackberry is saving me from looking like an ass. I probably look like one anyway though. At this point, I don't really care.
I had a pleasant evening out in the company of a nice guy, but the whole time I was thinking about, and worrying about CL-WoW. Even now, bundled up in my bed with my legs wrapped around my body pillow, my thoughts remain on him. How is he doing? Is he alright? Could he use someone to talk to? Could he use a hug?
Seriously, the backspace button on my Blackberry is saving me from looking like an ass. I probably look like one anyway though. At this point, I don't really care.
DAY 54, Post 4
I took the boys' clothes over to DH's house and then got back in my car and started driving. It was about the time that I got to the square that I realized, "What am I doing?" I drove around the square and drove back home. And here I am...
I don't like being worried. I want to send a text to find out how he's doing. But I can't. I want to send an email. But I won't. I want to so terribly, but I won't. I dread this is his last couple of days with his daughter, and I'm not going to interupt that... Even if he's not checking his email.
So I'll sit here, watch TV and knit. I'm working on the pocket that goes on the front of the sweater. I'm thinking of finishing it, sewing it to the front and then stuffing it with Cellas. What good is a pocket if there's nothing worthwhile inside? Sure, I'd love for my hands to be inside, but... Big sigh.
I don't like being worried. I want to send a text to find out how he's doing. But I can't. I want to send an email. But I won't. I want to so terribly, but I won't. I dread this is his last couple of days with his daughter, and I'm not going to interupt that... Even if he's not checking his email.
So I'll sit here, watch TV and knit. I'm working on the pocket that goes on the front of the sweater. I'm thinking of finishing it, sewing it to the front and then stuffing it with Cellas. What good is a pocket if there's nothing worthwhile inside? Sure, I'd love for my hands to be inside, but... Big sigh.
DAY 54, Post 3
I'm completely exhausted, yet my brain is in complete over-drive. Actually, I have no desire to sit at home, and would get up and drive if I didn't have to finish drying clothes for the boys. They are at DH's this weekend. I can't say I won't be driving after I drop the clothes off at his house. It's either that or pass out on the living room floor, as I don't feel like making my bed.
Work was... Work today. I kept my mouth shut and not that I ever let myself stand still (unless there is a customer at the register with me), I definitely didn't let myself stand still. SK, one of the two managers I like, told me I did great today. That made me feel better... Sort of. The funny, although not of the ha-ha kind, is that three others asked me if I had gotten my break today. I guess it was made more of a conversation last night after I left. I choose not to think about that though.
I look around my apartment, and although it's not a wreck, Penny knows how to make a mess while nobody's at home. Yarn and shoes are strewn all over the living room, I know I really should clean them up. But... I really don't feel like it. I want to snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and have everything put away where it belongs.
It's a good thing I'm not a drinker. And by drinker I mean serious, hard-core drinker. Because if I was, I would probably spend the night in a bar. And a drink doesn't even sound appetizing, just the numbing effects do.
Work was... Work today. I kept my mouth shut and not that I ever let myself stand still (unless there is a customer at the register with me), I definitely didn't let myself stand still. SK, one of the two managers I like, told me I did great today. That made me feel better... Sort of. The funny, although not of the ha-ha kind, is that three others asked me if I had gotten my break today. I guess it was made more of a conversation last night after I left. I choose not to think about that though.
I look around my apartment, and although it's not a wreck, Penny knows how to make a mess while nobody's at home. Yarn and shoes are strewn all over the living room, I know I really should clean them up. But... I really don't feel like it. I want to snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and have everything put away where it belongs.
It's a good thing I'm not a drinker. And by drinker I mean serious, hard-core drinker. Because if I was, I would probably spend the night in a bar. And a drink doesn't even sound appetizing, just the numbing effects do.
DAY 54, Post 2
I REALLY didn't want to come to work today. What I heard yesterday really offended me, as I consider myself to be a really good worker. But I did come, and for the most part have kept my mouth shut.
One of my favorite managers (two I like, two I don't) asked me if I was alright this morning and I did have a short discussion with her. She didn't make my day, but she improved my mood by telling me she thinks I'm a good employee. She recommended that I just don't talk to the other manager, as she (the other manager) is the one who raised the topic about me at the manager's meeting. I already got bad vibes off her, so it shouldn't be hard to keep tight-lipped around her.
Now to finish my food before I have to get back to work...
One of my favorite managers (two I like, two I don't) asked me if I was alright this morning and I did have a short discussion with her. She didn't make my day, but she improved my mood by telling me she thinks I'm a good employee. She recommended that I just don't talk to the other manager, as she (the other manager) is the one who raised the topic about me at the manager's meeting. I already got bad vibes off her, so it shouldn't be hard to keep tight-lipped around her.
Now to finish my food before I have to get back to work...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
DAY 53, Post 3
This may come to shock to anyone reading this (and from what I can tell, there's only one person reading my blog right now, haha), but... I decided to offer another night a week of custody to DH today. With what we're talking about right now, custody will basically be split 50/50, with the kids rotating nights with us on a 2-2-5-5 cycle. Basically, he'll have them Wednesday and Thursday nights and every other weekend (weekend being Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights) and I'll have them Monday and Tuesday nights and every other weekend.
There were a few reasons for my deciding to do this...
1. Growing up, I didn't like only seeing my dad every other weekend.
2. I don't want custody to be a huge battle come our divorce proceedings. Honestly, I want to enter the next stage of our lives as civilly as possible, and custody would be the biggest hurdle.
3. CL-WoW. What's he's going through child-wise breaks my heart (for him). And I'm trying to be a better person, so I decided I needed to give DH more time with the boys.
On the topic of trying to be a better person, I need to come up with a different definition of DH. The former definition doesn't go along with the mentality of being a better person. I've already changed the ringer and message notifications for him on my cell (they weren't really... appropriate). But, I don't really want to go back and change all the DH's to something else. So... I could use new meanings for the letters DH. Suggestions, anyone?
There were a few reasons for my deciding to do this...
1. Growing up, I didn't like only seeing my dad every other weekend.
2. I don't want custody to be a huge battle come our divorce proceedings. Honestly, I want to enter the next stage of our lives as civilly as possible, and custody would be the biggest hurdle.
3. CL-WoW. What's he's going through child-wise breaks my heart (for him). And I'm trying to be a better person, so I decided I needed to give DH more time with the boys.
On the topic of trying to be a better person, I need to come up with a different definition of DH. The former definition doesn't go along with the mentality of being a better person. I've already changed the ringer and message notifications for him on my cell (they weren't really... appropriate). But, I don't really want to go back and change all the DH's to something else. So... I could use new meanings for the letters DH. Suggestions, anyone?
DAY 53, Post 2
I had a shitty day at work. Yes, I'm grateful to have a job, but today was a reminder that I'm not doing what I need to be doing... For me... I mean, for now I'm doing what I need to do so I can do what I want to do (pay bills), but...
The kicker was that one of the managers, who likes me, told me that in a manager meeting it came up that at least one of them doesn't think I focus on my job and that I am more concerned about when I'm getting my break. That's TOTAL bullshit. I do my job, plus some, on a consistent, everyday basis. No, if I've been working 7 hours and still haven't gotten a break, my concentration may not be 100%. And yes, that has happened... on numerous occasions.
But today, I worked 10:30-6, and at 4pm hadn't had a break. I hadn't asked about it all day, but at 2:30 the general manager told ME that one of the other managers would be in at 3pm and he would put her on the manager drawer so I could get my break shortly after 3. I was thinking, "Great! He remembered!" Well, at 4pm he was looking at me with a goofy face and I had just finished making three hotel pans of chips, so I asked, "Oh?! Is it break time?!" He told the other manager to get on the drawer, and she made a snippy comment about how "Next time you should say something before 3pm."
What?!?! Why would I say anything now when obviously they think I'm more concerned about my breaks?
Just to make it clear, I'm primarily a cashier. But being the cashier also involves keeping the line clean, keeping the dining room and bathrooms clean, restocking the line, making salsas and chips as necessary, doing table touches (asking customers how their food is), and a whole lot of restocking. AND, when I'm not busy doing any of those things, I usually head to the back to do dishes to help everyone else out. So, REALLY?!?
The kicker was that one of the managers, who likes me, told me that in a manager meeting it came up that at least one of them doesn't think I focus on my job and that I am more concerned about when I'm getting my break. That's TOTAL bullshit. I do my job, plus some, on a consistent, everyday basis. No, if I've been working 7 hours and still haven't gotten a break, my concentration may not be 100%. And yes, that has happened... on numerous occasions.
But today, I worked 10:30-6, and at 4pm hadn't had a break. I hadn't asked about it all day, but at 2:30 the general manager told ME that one of the other managers would be in at 3pm and he would put her on the manager drawer so I could get my break shortly after 3. I was thinking, "Great! He remembered!" Well, at 4pm he was looking at me with a goofy face and I had just finished making three hotel pans of chips, so I asked, "Oh?! Is it break time?!" He told the other manager to get on the drawer, and she made a snippy comment about how "Next time you should say something before 3pm."
What?!?! Why would I say anything now when obviously they think I'm more concerned about my breaks?
Just to make it clear, I'm primarily a cashier. But being the cashier also involves keeping the line clean, keeping the dining room and bathrooms clean, restocking the line, making salsas and chips as necessary, doing table touches (asking customers how their food is), and a whole lot of restocking. AND, when I'm not busy doing any of those things, I usually head to the back to do dishes to help everyone else out. So, REALLY?!?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
DAY 52, Post 4
I'm not feeling great right now. After I went shopping I got stuck in a thunderstorm/hail storm, and sat in my car knitting and listening to music for a bit. I'm changing tomorrow's Song of the Day, so you can listen to the song then, but the lyrics are here... I hadn't read them before, or really listened to them, and I honestly thought they were more... Religious... When I added them to the playlist I put them on.
But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel. And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel. And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
DAY 52, Post 3
Wow... Last week I bought new pants and they were size 8. I put on one of the pairs today and they were looser than they were last week. Considering they were on clearance last week at Old Navy for about $8 I decided to make another trip and see if they had any in size 6. Well, they did and... They fit! Woo hoo! I haven't been a size 6 since 2004! Now I just need to find healthy ways to keep this size.
DAY 52, Post 2
I'm laughing at myself. OK, maybe not at myself... My knitting...
And I'm proud of myself. I pulled through and finished the front of the sweater today. But goodness, it's HUGE! I told him I was knitting it big because he tends to wear bigger clothes, at least in the winter, but geez... This thing is HUGE!!!
And I'm proud of myself. I pulled through and finished the front of the sweater today. But goodness, it's HUGE! I told him I was knitting it big because he tends to wear bigger clothes, at least in the winter, but geez... This thing is HUGE!!!
Penny is small, but not THAT small!
Now I have the movie, "Ghost" in my head...
ODA MAE: "Hey, Molly!
SAM: The sweater she knitted, in the closet, that´s too big.
ODA MAE: He just told me about the sweater that you knitted that´s too big.
SAM: Four sizes.
SAM: The sweater she knitted, in the closet, that´s too big.
ODA MAE: He just told me about the sweater that you knitted that´s too big.
SAM: Four sizes.
Yea, this one's at least four sizes too big...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
DAY 51, Post 6
I am happy to report that my weight loss has slowed down. Two weeks and only 1/2 pound. (My lunch probably helped that though, haha.)
147.7 pounds. I can handle that!
147.7 pounds. I can handle that!
DAY 51, Post 5
I'm sitting in the doctor's office... Again... But thankfully this time it's only for a follow-up.
I decided to go to work, for lunch, today. It's funny... I'm an "addict." That's probably how I got the job, with some help from others, but four days has proven to be too difficult to pass by without some of that yummy goodness.
After lunch I went to the park and read the Bible and "Our Daily Bread", an inspirational book Aunt Flushy sent me. I really did find it inspirational. Each day has a recommended Bible passage to read, and today this one got me...
Peter 1:6-9...
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
On my way to the doctor's office I decided to charge my old phone, which is in DH's name. I was looking through some of the text messages (yes, while driving) and found some that REALLY cheered me up. And I decided that although I get down, I'm not giving up. Some things are NOT worth giving up on.
I decided to go to work, for lunch, today. It's funny... I'm an "addict." That's probably how I got the job, with some help from others, but four days has proven to be too difficult to pass by without some of that yummy goodness.
After lunch I went to the park and read the Bible and "Our Daily Bread", an inspirational book Aunt Flushy sent me. I really did find it inspirational. Each day has a recommended Bible passage to read, and today this one got me...
Peter 1:6-9...
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
On my way to the doctor's office I decided to charge my old phone, which is in DH's name. I was looking through some of the text messages (yes, while driving) and found some that REALLY cheered me up. And I decided that although I get down, I'm not giving up. Some things are NOT worth giving up on.
DAY 51, Post 4
Yes, I am getting other stuff done this morning... But while I am job searching, I am also cleaning out the DVR, watching old episodes of The Talk. And once again the ladies are touching on topics that get to me.
Julie started the episode by talking about an article in the Huffington Post that discussed worrying. Apparently 40% of people worry every day. "Really?!?!" I thought. Only 40%? I tried to find the article that they were talking about (not very hard though, I must admit) but I found this one instead.
Thing 2 asked me last night what grown-ups worry about, and I had to stop and think for a minute before I answered him. I told him I worry that my boys are going to get sick (because Thing 1 was sick), and sometimes about money. The boys don't really understand the money worry. Thing 1 was excited when my checks came in the mail, because he thought I could just start writing checks to people. I had to explain that there needs to be money in my account to cover the checks. They also seem to think that when I need money I can just go to the ATM and use my debit card to get money out. Oh, I wish it were that easy!
Then the ladies switched topics and started discussing love. And Julie said something I had said to myself just months ago. Actually, I had said it to myself the night I met CL-WoW...
"I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't make me happy."
Hmmm...
Julie started the episode by talking about an article in the Huffington Post that discussed worrying. Apparently 40% of people worry every day. "Really?!?!" I thought. Only 40%? I tried to find the article that they were talking about (not very hard though, I must admit) but I found this one instead.
Thing 2 asked me last night what grown-ups worry about, and I had to stop and think for a minute before I answered him. I told him I worry that my boys are going to get sick (because Thing 1 was sick), and sometimes about money. The boys don't really understand the money worry. Thing 1 was excited when my checks came in the mail, because he thought I could just start writing checks to people. I had to explain that there needs to be money in my account to cover the checks. They also seem to think that when I need money I can just go to the ATM and use my debit card to get money out. Oh, I wish it were that easy!
Then the ladies switched topics and started discussing love. And Julie said something I had said to myself just months ago. Actually, I had said it to myself the night I met CL-WoW...
"I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't make me happy."
Hmmm...
DAY 51, Post 3
An inspiring morning, to say the least...
I realized that over the last four months I have let my personal dreams slip. While I've spent lots of time worrying about people and things that couldn't be changed, I've forgotten about what I want to do. And it's time I refocus, or at least spend a good portion of that time on my dreams.
I've had the dream of starting my own scrapbooking supply business. I've always wanted to have my own brick-and-mortar store selling all the supplies I have (which, thanks to "friends" are less than they should have been), but I want to design and manufacture my own out-of-the-box supplies. And to do that, I need to design them.
Martha Stewart didn't start her first catering business until she was 39. I'm just barely 32. So, with 7 years left, I should be able to make some headway. But this time I'll do it right. Martha wrote in her book, The Martha Rules (see below) that she recommends only investing in your business with cash. That's how I messed up the last time. Credit, credit and more credit. I'll be paying off that debt until the end of time. But now's the time to make a change. Do something that I want to do and do it the right way.
And that day starts today.
I realized that over the last four months I have let my personal dreams slip. While I've spent lots of time worrying about people and things that couldn't be changed, I've forgotten about what I want to do. And it's time I refocus, or at least spend a good portion of that time on my dreams.
I've had the dream of starting my own scrapbooking supply business. I've always wanted to have my own brick-and-mortar store selling all the supplies I have (which, thanks to "friends" are less than they should have been), but I want to design and manufacture my own out-of-the-box supplies. And to do that, I need to design them.
Martha Stewart didn't start her first catering business until she was 39. I'm just barely 32. So, with 7 years left, I should be able to make some headway. But this time I'll do it right. Martha wrote in her book, The Martha Rules (see below) that she recommends only investing in your business with cash. That's how I messed up the last time. Credit, credit and more credit. I'll be paying off that debt until the end of time. But now's the time to make a change. Do something that I want to do and do it the right way.
And that day starts today.
DAY 51, Post 2
One of the toughest parts of being a mom is being a nice, caring, giving mom. And I don't mean the type of nice, caring, giving mom who buys special treats at the grocery store. No. I'm talking about the nice, caring giving mom who shares her bed with her sick child after he gets sick in his own bed.
And then he throws up in her bed.
And she sleeps on the living room floor... again...
And then he throws up in her bed.
And she sleeps on the living room floor... again...
Monday, March 21, 2011
DAY 50, Post 4
WoW... I didn't want one, didn't expect one, but a simple thank you just made my day... So, thank YOU!
DAY 50, Post 3
Thanks to Julie I've been scrapbooking again. Yesterday afternoon I finished, although I still believe it's missing something, my New Years Eve layout.
It was a great night, I had great pictures, and the night deserves a positive place in my memory and scrapbook.
It was a great night, I had great pictures, and the night deserves a positive place in my memory and scrapbook.
The whole layout... Pardon the glare...
Close-up of left side...
Close (closer?) up of right side to show how I did journaling tag.
DAY 50, Post 2
Today I receive my first glimpse of what being a single mom with a sick child is like. DH wouldn't help me, and replied to the last of my texts with a snippy response. I didn't appreciate it. So, I had to call off work. Gulp. I hate calling off work. I've called off work enough already, and with April rent looming right around the corner, any missed day hurts.
Last night was a rough night of sleep. I slept on the floor in the living room for a good bit so that I wouldn't disturb Thing 1 who was sleeping in my bed. When I did go to my bed, I dreamt. And once again he was in my dreams. It's agonizing seeing him in my dreams. And for some reason in my dream last night he brought 30 people with him and they wanted to play some game where we all crammed into a car. Did you know you can get claustrophobic in a dream? Well, you can!
The dream took place at a hotel where the elevators when up, down, forward, back, left and right. And I was lost. I feel lost anyways, and I guess it was reflected in my dream. I couldn't find the path to where I wanted to go, and that's how I feel in my everyday life. And it sucks. I don't want to move on, per say, but I know that where I am right now is not working.
Last night was a rough night of sleep. I slept on the floor in the living room for a good bit so that I wouldn't disturb Thing 1 who was sleeping in my bed. When I did go to my bed, I dreamt. And once again he was in my dreams. It's agonizing seeing him in my dreams. And for some reason in my dream last night he brought 30 people with him and they wanted to play some game where we all crammed into a car. Did you know you can get claustrophobic in a dream? Well, you can!
The dream took place at a hotel where the elevators when up, down, forward, back, left and right. And I was lost. I feel lost anyways, and I guess it was reflected in my dream. I couldn't find the path to where I wanted to go, and that's how I feel in my everyday life. And it sucks. I don't want to move on, per say, but I know that where I am right now is not working.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
DAY 49, Post 2
What a beautiful first day of spring. Unfortunately Thing 1 is sick and is in my bed sleeping the afternoon away. Thing 2 and I, however, are outside, enjoying the fresh air with Julie's son (also 5 years old), Penny, and Penny's brother (who Julie adopted), Finn.
Despite Thing 1 being ill, we went to church this morning. Again, I left feeling like the sermon was directed at me. Today the preacher (don't know who he was today) was speaking about the company Jesus tended to keep. While he could have invited or been invited by any number of God following members of his society, he socialized a lot with people who needed God in their lives and were lacking his presence. He directed us not to cast such people out of our lives, but to help them find the way of God. Wow.
While there are people who have been in my life who need God, and there are still, I will admit that there a few in particular that I choose to never to have any type of social relationship with ever again. But for the rest, I will be more mindful not to cast them aside immediately, despite the path I am trying to follow for myself.
And for the one who has expressed how much Jesus is needed in their life, I hope you find him. I will help you in any way I can.
This is what elastic waisted pants were invented for...
Despite Thing 1 being ill, we went to church this morning. Again, I left feeling like the sermon was directed at me. Today the preacher (don't know who he was today) was speaking about the company Jesus tended to keep. While he could have invited or been invited by any number of God following members of his society, he socialized a lot with people who needed God in their lives and were lacking his presence. He directed us not to cast such people out of our lives, but to help them find the way of God. Wow.
While there are people who have been in my life who need God, and there are still, I will admit that there a few in particular that I choose to never to have any type of social relationship with ever again. But for the rest, I will be more mindful not to cast them aside immediately, despite the path I am trying to follow for myself.
And for the one who has expressed how much Jesus is needed in their life, I hope you find him. I will help you in any way I can.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
DAY 48, Post 3
Argh. I was out back talking to my neighbor, Julie, and we were talking about her girls' nicknames. The youngest's nickname used to be Ru-Ru.
Seriously?!?!
Trying to get through today is hard enough, but to have this obscure nickname come up, which I had only heard once before and it applied to him, is insane. There is no way I'm supposed to be letting go if things like this pop up. I mean... Ru-Ru?
You can't force destiny, but is destiny forcing me?
Seriously?!?!
Trying to get through today is hard enough, but to have this obscure nickname come up, which I had only heard once before and it applied to him, is insane. There is no way I'm supposed to be letting go if things like this pop up. I mean... Ru-Ru?
You can't force destiny, but is destiny forcing me?
DAY 48, Post 2
This day is already emotionally hard, and I want so much but I feel incredibly selfish. Maybe I said that wrong... I want to give so much.
I'm at the Y with the boys right now, but my head and heart are elsewhere. Is he ok? Is he celebrating his birthday alone? Is he curled up with his blankets over his head wallowing? Would a hug make any of it better? Did he get my birthday card or my email? If so, did he appreciate them or does he even care that I sent them?
I detest this not-knowing. I am not a fan of uncertainty, and despite all I do, I care too much to... Not care. It's not in me.
It's not even my birthday, but I care too much about whether or not it's a good one to stop thinking about it... About him. And the silence is deafening.
I'm at the Y with the boys right now, but my head and heart are elsewhere. Is he ok? Is he celebrating his birthday alone? Is he curled up with his blankets over his head wallowing? Would a hug make any of it better? Did he get my birthday card or my email? If so, did he appreciate them or does he even care that I sent them?
I detest this not-knowing. I am not a fan of uncertainty, and despite all I do, I care too much to... Not care. It's not in me.
It's not even my birthday, but I care too much about whether or not it's a good one to stop thinking about it... About him. And the silence is deafening.
Friday, March 18, 2011
DAY 47, Post 2
It's been quite a day, and emotionally draining just about the whole way.
I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that. Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.
But... I went to the mall. With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me. I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40. I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.
After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit. I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow. I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside. And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.
Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment. They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match. I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits. To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad. That was sooo hard for me to hear. He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him. It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy." I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys. Do they make bad decisions sometimes? Yes! But don't we all?
DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances. And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough. It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.
I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that. Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.
But... I went to the mall. With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me. I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40. I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.
After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit. I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow. I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside. And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.
Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment. They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match. I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits. To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad. That was sooo hard for me to hear. He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him. It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy." I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys. Do they make bad decisions sometimes? Yes! But don't we all?
DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances. And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough. It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
DAY 46, Post 2
I'm sitting at work, waiting for someone else to be ready to leave (we're not supposed to walk out alone when we work the closing shift) and I'm looking at my legs in my new jeans...
And damn... They look good!
And damn... They look good!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
DAY 45, Post 3
My thought of the afternoon...
How do I know if the reason I can't go is because I'm not supposed to?
How do I know if the reason I can't go is because I'm not supposed to?
DAY 45, Post 2
I'm caught in the loop of not giving up again... And not being able to let go... Persistance really does suck sometimes.
Mom asked me tonight why I can't let go, and I couldn't come up with an answer. Period. I just can't. Something is continuing to pull me in that direction, and while I try to distract myself, sometimes it just doesn't work.
I go to bed each night praying to God to show me the path I'm supposed to take, and each night I have dreams about him. I'm starting to resent sleep, because they show me false illusions... A non-reality that I would accept in a second if I could have it. But... I can't? (Question mark intentional)
Mom asked me tonight why I can't let go, and I couldn't come up with an answer. Period. I just can't. Something is continuing to pull me in that direction, and while I try to distract myself, sometimes it just doesn't work.
I go to bed each night praying to God to show me the path I'm supposed to take, and each night I have dreams about him. I'm starting to resent sleep, because they show me false illusions... A non-reality that I would accept in a second if I could have it. But... I can't? (Question mark intentional)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
DAY 44, Post 3
Tonight I scrapbooked. It's been almost six long years since I last scrapbooked for me, and I loved every second of it.
Julie, my neighbor, invited me to be part of a Facebook scrapbooking group she founded, and last week's Humper Day Challenge was to create a layout using primarily the colors pink and green, and to use a minimum of six flowers. Well, I did it. And I finally used some of my company's inventory for my personal use.
Julie, my neighbor, invited me to be part of a Facebook scrapbooking group she founded, and last week's Humper Day Challenge was to create a layout using primarily the colors pink and green, and to use a minimum of six flowers. Well, I did it. And I finally used some of my company's inventory for my personal use.
Here's the final layout...
A detail of the journaling...
My motto for what December 8, 2010 gave me...
A close-up of the top-left picture...
A close-up of the bottom right picture...
DAY 44, Post 2
I sit here, at work, leisurely enjoying my employee meal before my shift starts at 4pm. And I think...
It's strange how sometimes you are provided what you need right when you need it. For example, with $1 left in my bank account, I received a small child support payment today. Oh, what a surprise it was. And while I immediately thought about all the stuff I want to buy, I immediately reigned myself in and thought about what the money NEEDS to go towards... Rent. Utilities. Gas. Food.
But I went to pull my laundry out of the dryer and pulled out one of the pairs of jeans I've been wearing to work for the past two months. To say I can't wear them without a belt would be an understatement. Even with a belt they look like balloon pants. And I made a decision.
A half hour or so later, I walked out of Kohls with a brand new pair of jeans. The pair I wore in/out were size 14. The new pair (the first and only pair I tried on!) are size 8. Wow... Do I have Buyer's Remorse? Yes, a little. But damn, it feels incredible to wear jeans to work that feel AND look good.
It's strange how sometimes you are provided what you need right when you need it. For example, with $1 left in my bank account, I received a small child support payment today. Oh, what a surprise it was. And while I immediately thought about all the stuff I want to buy, I immediately reigned myself in and thought about what the money NEEDS to go towards... Rent. Utilities. Gas. Food.
But I went to pull my laundry out of the dryer and pulled out one of the pairs of jeans I've been wearing to work for the past two months. To say I can't wear them without a belt would be an understatement. Even with a belt they look like balloon pants. And I made a decision.
A half hour or so later, I walked out of Kohls with a brand new pair of jeans. The pair I wore in/out were size 14. The new pair (the first and only pair I tried on!) are size 8. Wow... Do I have Buyer's Remorse? Yes, a little. But damn, it feels incredible to wear jeans to work that feel AND look good.
Monday, March 14, 2011
DAY 43, Post 5
Just read today's horoscope and it WOW'ed me...
"Sometimes it's tough to really figure out what needs to be done. Give yourself time."
"Sometimes it's tough to really figure out what needs to be done. Give yourself time."
DAY 43, Post 4
Almost a month ago I posted a bunch of Mini-Goals for the month. I decided it's time to evaluate my progress and set new goals for next month...
- Get an oil change for my car. It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money. DID IT!
- Inquire about design jobs. I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me. I've been looking for jobs, but haven't been focusing on only interior design. So far, I haven't found anything, but I'm not giving up.
- Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection. Due to money I wasn't able to do this... This month...
- Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter. Eh... I tried...
- Turn off the lights and TV every night. Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely. The lights have definitely been turned off more than they were last month, but I need to get better at this still...
- Make a wreath for my front door with my boys. Due to money we didn't do this either...
- Start cooking actual meals. Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me. Eh... I cooked more this month, but I didn't make as much progress as I had hoped.
- Read every night, both to the boys and to myself. I've read the Bible quite a bit, but I need to be better about reading to the boys.
- Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha. Yea... Didn't happen...
- Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket. Didn't even finish one more... But I started!
- Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them. We bought UNO this month but only played a couple of times.
- Positive visualization I've decided to eliminate drama-filled people from my life, and stay positive. The visualization isn't necessarily up to me.
- Keep on job searching.
- Scrapbook! I've got most of my inventory back, and it's about time I use some of this stuff for my personal use!
- Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.
- Turn off the lights and TV every night. Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely.
- Cook a real meal every night that I have the boys.
- Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.
- Knit 3 more blocks for my blanket.... Let's be realistic this month!
- Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.
DAY 43, Post 3
Haha... Seriously, the best D-Day present anyone could give me would be a kitchen timer...
For some reason, cooking loses my attention really fast, but if I'm baking, my attention remains on the oven like you wouldn't believe.
There is no way I can get the boys to eat this ham, however, I'm enjoying a plate of ham and green beans tonight. Wow, it's nice to eat...
For some reason, cooking loses my attention really fast, but if I'm baking, my attention remains on the oven like you wouldn't believe.
There is no way I can get the boys to eat this ham, however, I'm enjoying a plate of ham and green beans tonight. Wow, it's nice to eat...
DAY 43, Post 2
It was an emotional day at work, and for once the emotions weren't from me. I must say, as bad as I felt for the two emotional ones, I found comfort in knowing I'm not the only one who gets emotional there to the point of tears. I think one of my co-workers is having a hard time with the requirements of the job, and the lack of a break that is sometimes received (especially by the opening shift), and I found myself reminding myself how thankful I am just to have a job.
Today marks T minus one-month to D-Day. Nine years ago I was counting down the days to the wedding, and now I'm looking forward to having my single life back to myself, officially. Can I even call it a single life though, considering now I have two boys, a dog and a very fat cat to support?
I got home today to find a notice in the mail that my Food Stamps have been terminated as of the end of this month due to child support. As scary as this could be for me, I'm not scared. Somehow I know everything will work out. I don't know how yet, but I know it will.
Today marks T minus one-month to D-Day. Nine years ago I was counting down the days to the wedding, and now I'm looking forward to having my single life back to myself, officially. Can I even call it a single life though, considering now I have two boys, a dog and a very fat cat to support?
I got home today to find a notice in the mail that my Food Stamps have been terminated as of the end of this month due to child support. As scary as this could be for me, I'm not scared. Somehow I know everything will work out. I don't know how yet, but I know it will.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
DAY 42, Post 2
I'm feeling a little bit like a Mercy Me song I've been listening to...
"I'm finding myself
At a loss for words
And the funny thing is
It's ok."
~Word of God Speak
This past week was interesting... Good, bad, easy, difficult, funny, sad, etc. I really don't know what, if anything, I could say about it.
Entertaining enough, however, was work yesterday. The hot water heater broke, again, so the restaurant had to shut down for a bit at 3:30ish. I was off at 4, however, so it didn't impact me. I hadn't gotten a break, so I helped reduce some of the inventory before they had to throw it out by eating before leaving. While I was eating, the evening shift crew started cleaning, preparing for a solid close. One of the workers was cleaning the fryer (I think) and the next thing I knew, I heard yelling and saw flames, small flames, coming from the fryer. It's funny how some people, including myself, don't know how to put out a grease fire. Luckily someone knew and threw salt on the flames.
Tonight I tried out the Singles Group at Ginghamsburg. I was younger than everyone else by about 15 years and for me that was sort of difficult. I can't explain it, but to say I was looking for people closer to my age who would know what I'm going through. While some of them knew and understood, I just felt... Awkward. I decided to leave at "Intermission" and come home.
CT and I hung out for the past two nights, and Julie helped me organize my inventory on Friday night. Thank you, Julie! I made pasta on Friday night for CT and I, and I have to say that a highlight of the evening was the pasta readiness test... After we had already eaten. There is a secret to throwing pasta, and sometimes it sticks better than others.
Right now I'm watching the portion of Star Trek (the movie) that I slept through last night. We started off the night with Jackass 3 and pizza from Cassanos (thank you, Bronco!!), but I just couldn't last through a second movie. I don't think I've ever been able to last through two movies. Jackass 3, by the way, is hilarious, but also gag-inducing. I'm just glad the boys didn't see it. I don't even want to think about the crazy ideas they would get watching it.
Now, I think it's laundry time for me. So much to fold, and I believe a clean apartment would make me feel better. Unfortunately all the scrapbooking supplies I recovered are taking up a huge amount of space.
"I'm finding myself
At a loss for words
And the funny thing is
It's ok."
~Word of God Speak
This past week was interesting... Good, bad, easy, difficult, funny, sad, etc. I really don't know what, if anything, I could say about it.
Entertaining enough, however, was work yesterday. The hot water heater broke, again, so the restaurant had to shut down for a bit at 3:30ish. I was off at 4, however, so it didn't impact me. I hadn't gotten a break, so I helped reduce some of the inventory before they had to throw it out by eating before leaving. While I was eating, the evening shift crew started cleaning, preparing for a solid close. One of the workers was cleaning the fryer (I think) and the next thing I knew, I heard yelling and saw flames, small flames, coming from the fryer. It's funny how some people, including myself, don't know how to put out a grease fire. Luckily someone knew and threw salt on the flames.
Tonight I tried out the Singles Group at Ginghamsburg. I was younger than everyone else by about 15 years and for me that was sort of difficult. I can't explain it, but to say I was looking for people closer to my age who would know what I'm going through. While some of them knew and understood, I just felt... Awkward. I decided to leave at "Intermission" and come home.
CT and I hung out for the past two nights, and Julie helped me organize my inventory on Friday night. Thank you, Julie! I made pasta on Friday night for CT and I, and I have to say that a highlight of the evening was the pasta readiness test... After we had already eaten. There is a secret to throwing pasta, and sometimes it sticks better than others.
Right now I'm watching the portion of Star Trek (the movie) that I slept through last night. We started off the night with Jackass 3 and pizza from Cassanos (thank you, Bronco!!), but I just couldn't last through a second movie. I don't think I've ever been able to last through two movies. Jackass 3, by the way, is hilarious, but also gag-inducing. I'm just glad the boys didn't see it. I don't even want to think about the crazy ideas they would get watching it.
Now, I think it's laundry time for me. So much to fold, and I believe a clean apartment would make me feel better. Unfortunately all the scrapbooking supplies I recovered are taking up a huge amount of space.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
DAY 40, Post 4
The first week's assignment for Momentum for Life is to set aside time for Daily Devotion. While there is more to this than reading the Bible (meditation, journaling and prayer), I decided to take a few minutes and continue reading Genesis this morning. Slowly, yet surely, I am working my way through the first book.
This morning's reading was about Joseph and the seven years of abundance followed by seven years of famine in Egypt. I can't explain it, but out of reading about Joseph stock-piling all of the excess crops, I found a deep desire to stop spending money on things that aren't completely necessary. Like $2 iced coffees at McDonalds.
I want to build my own, if even very little, stockpile, and become more responsible about money. I don't want to get the pit in my stomach worrying that my gas has been shut off. I already operate on a cash-only basis, but I really need to start doing it with my priorities solidly in place, both for me and the boys.
A couple verses from last night's session really struck me...
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus Christ."
Philippians 3:13-14
This morning's reading was about Joseph and the seven years of abundance followed by seven years of famine in Egypt. I can't explain it, but out of reading about Joseph stock-piling all of the excess crops, I found a deep desire to stop spending money on things that aren't completely necessary. Like $2 iced coffees at McDonalds.
I want to build my own, if even very little, stockpile, and become more responsible about money. I don't want to get the pit in my stomach worrying that my gas has been shut off. I already operate on a cash-only basis, but I really need to start doing it with my priorities solidly in place, both for me and the boys.
A couple verses from last night's session really struck me...
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus Christ."
Philippians 3:13-14
DAY 40, Post 3
If it hasn't already been written, somebody needs to write a handyman guide for the single woman. And they need to make sure to include a chapter on how to check if the furnace is working, and if not, how to fix it. Last night it was colder than normal in my apartment, and even though the thermostat was set to 75 (Yea, I know, very high), it showed the interior temperature at 60.
Panic set in.
With finances being as tight as they are, sometimes bills get paid a little late. And this month the gas bill was late. But it WAS paid. I re-read the bill several times, and a pit formed in my stomach when I read what the reconnect fee would be. $60. I won't deny, I don't have $60. And I don't get paid again until next Friday.
I put on extra layers, double-checked that the boys had enough blankets, and went to sleep. There's nothing you can do at 2am besides go to sleep. This morning when I woke up, out of habit, I ran the hot water. And amazingly enough, it WAS hot! A sigh of relief partially passed through me, however I called the gas company to make sure my service wasn't disconnected. And it wasn't! Thank goodness for small miracles!
So now, after a call to the apartment complex's super, my apartment is warming back up. It took him about 10 minutes, and I heard that comforting click of the furnace kicking on. Warm air blew out of the vents, and I became reassured, at least for one more day, that everything is going to be okay.
Panic set in.
With finances being as tight as they are, sometimes bills get paid a little late. And this month the gas bill was late. But it WAS paid. I re-read the bill several times, and a pit formed in my stomach when I read what the reconnect fee would be. $60. I won't deny, I don't have $60. And I don't get paid again until next Friday.
I put on extra layers, double-checked that the boys had enough blankets, and went to sleep. There's nothing you can do at 2am besides go to sleep. This morning when I woke up, out of habit, I ran the hot water. And amazingly enough, it WAS hot! A sigh of relief partially passed through me, however I called the gas company to make sure my service wasn't disconnected. And it wasn't! Thank goodness for small miracles!
So now, after a call to the apartment complex's super, my apartment is warming back up. It took him about 10 minutes, and I heard that comforting click of the furnace kicking on. Warm air blew out of the vents, and I became reassured, at least for one more day, that everything is going to be okay.
DAY 40, Post 2
What a difference a couple of days makes!
I'm up at 2am, and for once it's not because I woke up thinking about too much. Actually, CT graced me with a phone call after work, and I have to say, I enjoy having friends who work 2nd shift. Having someone to talk to in the dead of the night is REALLY great!
Anyway, he made me terribly hungry while making himself a breakfast burrito, and I made myself a ridiculous plate of Pizza Rolls. Ridiculous meaning like thirty of them... Drenched in Smoked Tobasco Sauce... Mmmm... It's WONDERFUL to be eating again!
Did I mention that the hospital weighed me when I was in triage the other night? 148.1. Yea. Not good. If I lose any more I want it to be because I'm exercising and doing activities that are good for me. NOT due to stressing out and not eating.
I'm entering this weekend with plans already, and it feels great to know my weekend doesn't revolve around work. Tomorrow night I'll be scrapbooking (in some way or another) with Julie, and then I'm making dinner for CT and I. (Julie, if you read this - you and J are invited!) Then... I get to SLEEP IN on Saturday morning before having to work from 11-4. I am happy to be able to go to church on Saturday after work... Pending they let me out on time. I guess I'll have to see.
I'm up at 2am, and for once it's not because I woke up thinking about too much. Actually, CT graced me with a phone call after work, and I have to say, I enjoy having friends who work 2nd shift. Having someone to talk to in the dead of the night is REALLY great!
Anyway, he made me terribly hungry while making himself a breakfast burrito, and I made myself a ridiculous plate of Pizza Rolls. Ridiculous meaning like thirty of them... Drenched in Smoked Tobasco Sauce... Mmmm... It's WONDERFUL to be eating again!
CT's Breakfast Burrito (picture messaged to me... to make me jealous, I think)
Here's what was left of my pizza rolls when I was full...
I'm entering this weekend with plans already, and it feels great to know my weekend doesn't revolve around work. Tomorrow night I'll be scrapbooking (in some way or another) with Julie, and then I'm making dinner for CT and I. (Julie, if you read this - you and J are invited!) Then... I get to SLEEP IN on Saturday morning before having to work from 11-4. I am happy to be able to go to church on Saturday after work... Pending they let me out on time. I guess I'll have to see.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
DAY 39, Post 5
Let there be light! CL-WoW took this light bulb out eight weeks ago, and for some reason it took me just as long to get the replacement light bulb.
But enough procrastination already! I don't know if I was hoping he would be back to fix it, but I finally did what I needed to tonight. I stood on the stool and changed the light bulb myself. And it was extremely satisfying.
Equally as satisfying was squishing an emotional flea out of my life today. Turns out this new connection was full of lies and deceitfulness, and that's something I didn't/don't need in my life.
Side note - how can such a small dog be full of such potent farts? Seriously, the dog walks right up behind me and lets it go. Gag.
Tonight the boys and I went down to Ginghamsburg, despite the snow, and I attended the first session of their "Momentum for Life" series. To my surprise, one of my neighbors was there. The session gave me a LOT to think about!
To close out tonight, I have to share this quote, which I just borrowed from a Facebook friend's status...
But enough procrastination already! I don't know if I was hoping he would be back to fix it, but I finally did what I needed to tonight. I stood on the stool and changed the light bulb myself. And it was extremely satisfying.
Equally as satisfying was squishing an emotional flea out of my life today. Turns out this new connection was full of lies and deceitfulness, and that's something I didn't/don't need in my life.
Side note - how can such a small dog be full of such potent farts? Seriously, the dog walks right up behind me and lets it go. Gag.
Tonight the boys and I went down to Ginghamsburg, despite the snow, and I attended the first session of their "Momentum for Life" series. To my surprise, one of my neighbors was there. The session gave me a LOT to think about!
To close out tonight, I have to share this quote, which I just borrowed from a Facebook friend's status...
DAY 39, Post 4
BIG sigh of relief. I've FINALLY finished my First Responses to Interrogatories for the divorce. 18 pages. Phoo... It feels good, yet also scary, to have them finished, as I hope I didn't forget anything. Today marks FIVE weeks left until D-Day. Wow.
I'm going to make this a GREAT five weeks!
I'm going to make this a GREAT five weeks!
DAY 39, Post 3
I just found this Bible verse about honesty...
Luke 16:10
Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.
How true...
Luke 16:10
Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.
How true...
DAY 39, Post 2
I had a dream about fleas last night. They were on Penny, but still... It got me thinking this morning.
I need to find a way to get rid of the fleas in my life for good. Because they're getting under my skin, and today I'm just angry at them.
I find it AMAZING, and not in a good way, how people in my life could or do act the way they do. It literally makes me sick. And I can't have that anymore. Dishonesty (to themselves and others), hatred, cruelty, etc. And no, I'm not just talking about one person. I just want to pick those fleas off my skin and crush them between my fingers. But I can't. I need to find a way to forgive them, and continue on in my life without them, or with minimal contact.
I went to Ginghamsburg last night for their Ash Wednesday service and found it incredible. They played a video at the beginning and I wish I could find a link to see it again. I don't know if the older attendees appreciated it as much as I did. I hope they did.
I need to find a way to get rid of the fleas in my life for good. Because they're getting under my skin, and today I'm just angry at them.
I find it AMAZING, and not in a good way, how people in my life could or do act the way they do. It literally makes me sick. And I can't have that anymore. Dishonesty (to themselves and others), hatred, cruelty, etc. And no, I'm not just talking about one person. I just want to pick those fleas off my skin and crush them between my fingers. But I can't. I need to find a way to forgive them, and continue on in my life without them, or with minimal contact.
I went to Ginghamsburg last night for their Ash Wednesday service and found it incredible. They played a video at the beginning and I wish I could find a link to see it again. I don't know if the older attendees appreciated it as much as I did. I hope they did.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
DAY 38, Post 2
So, for the time being, my blog is private. A LOT has happened in the past week, and after a stint in the hospital yesterday I realized with no uncertainty that I have NOT been focused on what I needed to be focused on, especially my health.
I'm down to 148 pounds now, not a place I should have gotten to the way I did. Lack of eating and way too much worrying about things and people I couldn't help. After throwing up, starting to shake and nearly passing out at work, I went to the hospital where the doctor told me there is a bad virus going through town. But come on. I know more than she does. I NEED to be taking care of me. Now's the time (not that it wasn't three months or 32 years ago) to be honest with myself... And others...
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to hurt people with my honesty. But I have to enter this next part of my life doing what I know to be the right thing to do. Right morally, right ethically, and right personally for me and my boys.
Tonight I am having dinner with JTS, my neighbor (will you give me permission to use your first name? Haha), and then I hope to go to Ash Wednesday service at Ginghamsburg. I've spent a lot of time in the last two days praying. Praying for God to give me strength and guide me into a better tomorrow. I know there's something better in store for me, but I wish I knew what it was and what all I'm doing now is preparing me for. Patience is a virtue though, and I suppose I need to hold my horses.
I need to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped me for the past two days, both emotionally and physically. YOU are my rock.
I'm down to 148 pounds now, not a place I should have gotten to the way I did. Lack of eating and way too much worrying about things and people I couldn't help. After throwing up, starting to shake and nearly passing out at work, I went to the hospital where the doctor told me there is a bad virus going through town. But come on. I know more than she does. I NEED to be taking care of me. Now's the time (not that it wasn't three months or 32 years ago) to be honest with myself... And others...
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to hurt people with my honesty. But I have to enter this next part of my life doing what I know to be the right thing to do. Right morally, right ethically, and right personally for me and my boys.
Tonight I am having dinner with JTS, my neighbor (will you give me permission to use your first name? Haha), and then I hope to go to Ash Wednesday service at Ginghamsburg. I've spent a lot of time in the last two days praying. Praying for God to give me strength and guide me into a better tomorrow. I know there's something better in store for me, but I wish I knew what it was and what all I'm doing now is preparing me for. Patience is a virtue though, and I suppose I need to hold my horses.
I need to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped me for the past two days, both emotionally and physically. YOU are my rock.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
DAY 36, Post 1
I LOVED this song when I heard the band at Ginghamsburg sing it... Today's Song of the Day - Matt Redman - You Never Let Go
Sunday, March 6, 2011
DAY 35, Post 3
When we lived in Mt. Vernon, NY in the early 2000's, I read a TON of books. The library was my source of exercise and solace, and I would push Thing 1 in his stroller two miles each way to get to the beautiful Bronxville library. We would make thre trip at least once a week.
One of the books I read was by Patricia Heaton (I think... I'm on my Blackberry and don't feel like looking it up), the female star of... The book was called Motherhood and Hollywood: How to Get a Job Like Mine and chronicled her career as an actress and mother.
She brought up, and I have to ask you moms out there, have you noticed that you give the perfect toast to your kids and keep the burnt toast to yourself? That's what I do!
Anyway, I find myself eating burnt toast tonight but in another sense... Last night there seemed to be urinary problems in my house. Thing 2 wet his bed, and Miki, the fat cat, decided to pee on Thing 1's bed. Laundry has taken farrrr too long today, and now I find myself in Thing 2's bed with an extra blanket while the boys enjoy my bed with all clean sheets and lots of pillows. Mmm, how I would love to be snuggled up with my body pillow right around now...
One of the books I read was by Patricia Heaton (I think... I'm on my Blackberry and don't feel like looking it up), the female star of... The book was called Motherhood and Hollywood: How to Get a Job Like Mine and chronicled her career as an actress and mother.
She brought up, and I have to ask you moms out there, have you noticed that you give the perfect toast to your kids and keep the burnt toast to yourself? That's what I do!
Anyway, I find myself eating burnt toast tonight but in another sense... Last night there seemed to be urinary problems in my house. Thing 2 wet his bed, and Miki, the fat cat, decided to pee on Thing 1's bed. Laundry has taken farrrr too long today, and now I find myself in Thing 2's bed with an extra blanket while the boys enjoy my bed with all clean sheets and lots of pillows. Mmm, how I would love to be snuggled up with my body pillow right around now...
DAY 35, Post 2
I was raised Catholic. I remember dressing nicer for Mass and sitting through long homilies after which I remembered nothing. I think that's what happens when you've been forced into a religious institution as a child with so say in the matter.
As a young adult I turned... Agnostic... I was spiritual, no doubt, however I doubted the existance of God with everything I had. I believed my Grandpa B. was out there watching over me, and I would pray to him when I needed something.
Later I turned to the Law of Attraction and Abraham Hicks. I still believe this philosophy holds some merit. Think positively and good things will come to you. Have you ever noticed that if your day starts off bad and you dwell on it that your day only gets worse? I believe you need to focus on the positive, as hard as that may be.
This weekend, however, I took a major emotional/religious step. Last week I decided that I will be re-baptized after my divorce is final, and I even called the Church to find out information. Last night we went to church (unfortunately we were late as I thought the service started at 5:30 instead of 5:00), and Pastor Mike mentioned that on Easter there will be a mass Baptism. I tried to approach him, however I was ushered away by someone I think was security.
This morning I decided to go to service again, this time being on time. AMAZING. I get so much more out of the service being there from the very beginning. And even though he didn't mention the Baptism today, I approached Pastor Mike and got to speak with him briefly. I WILL be re-baptized on Easter Sunday and I am elated.
The focus of this weekend's services was the book of Matthew. And the verses which struck me the most were...
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:33-34
I also found Matthew 6:1 to be deeply touching, although it wasn't discussed in service...
"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' in front of others, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."
I often had issues with people in my past with people who would do good deeds for others and then talk their mouths off about the deeds. It made me feel like they were doing it to be rewarded themselves, rather than for the "right" reasons.
I encourage all of you (and I'll do it myself) to do something good for someone else without sharing what you've done with anyone. Feel good about what you've done because you did it, not because you were praised for it by others.
As a young adult I turned... Agnostic... I was spiritual, no doubt, however I doubted the existance of God with everything I had. I believed my Grandpa B. was out there watching over me, and I would pray to him when I needed something.
Later I turned to the Law of Attraction and Abraham Hicks. I still believe this philosophy holds some merit. Think positively and good things will come to you. Have you ever noticed that if your day starts off bad and you dwell on it that your day only gets worse? I believe you need to focus on the positive, as hard as that may be.
This weekend, however, I took a major emotional/religious step. Last week I decided that I will be re-baptized after my divorce is final, and I even called the Church to find out information. Last night we went to church (unfortunately we were late as I thought the service started at 5:30 instead of 5:00), and Pastor Mike mentioned that on Easter there will be a mass Baptism. I tried to approach him, however I was ushered away by someone I think was security.
This morning I decided to go to service again, this time being on time. AMAZING. I get so much more out of the service being there from the very beginning. And even though he didn't mention the Baptism today, I approached Pastor Mike and got to speak with him briefly. I WILL be re-baptized on Easter Sunday and I am elated.
The focus of this weekend's services was the book of Matthew. And the verses which struck me the most were...
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:33-34
I also found Matthew 6:1 to be deeply touching, although it wasn't discussed in service...
"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' in front of others, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."
I often had issues with people in my past with people who would do good deeds for others and then talk their mouths off about the deeds. It made me feel like they were doing it to be rewarded themselves, rather than for the "right" reasons.
I encourage all of you (and I'll do it myself) to do something good for someone else without sharing what you've done with anyone. Feel good about what you've done because you did it, not because you were praised for it by others.
DAY 35, Post 1
The Song of the Day today is for my Dad and Ginny... I know this is one of Dad's favorites...Thank you for coming to visit. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I love you.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
DAY 33, Post 4
What an AMAZING night! And day for that matter!
Two of my parents are on their way in to see me and the boys and I will be thrilled to see them in the morning.
Tonight, the boys, my friend Ashley, neighbor JTS and I enjoyed a great night of pizza and conversation.
Ashley didn't leave until after midnight, and I am proud to say that, as she said on her Facebook page, tonight a friend became a sister.
I am at peace tonight, and despite all the wrong I have been complaining about, I now go forward ready to embrace the challenges ahead in a new light. My separation/upcoming divorce has opened a brand new door for me, and through that door I can see who my true friends are, as well as reconnect with all the people (friends and family) who I have not been able to in such a long time. When one door closes another door opens, and I am more than excited to see what's in store behind Door Number 2!
Two of my parents are on their way in to see me and the boys and I will be thrilled to see them in the morning.
Tonight, the boys, my friend Ashley, neighbor JTS and I enjoyed a great night of pizza and conversation.
Ashley didn't leave until after midnight, and I am proud to say that, as she said on her Facebook page, tonight a friend became a sister.
I am at peace tonight, and despite all the wrong I have been complaining about, I now go forward ready to embrace the challenges ahead in a new light. My separation/upcoming divorce has opened a brand new door for me, and through that door I can see who my true friends are, as well as reconnect with all the people (friends and family) who I have not been able to in such a long time. When one door closes another door opens, and I am more than excited to see what's in store behind Door Number 2!
Friday, March 4, 2011
DAY 33, Post 3
Last night was rough. This morning has been rough. But through all this roughness I'm learning who and what I truly need to have in my life.
I called off work today. I've literally been sick all night thinking about all that's going on. I've made some phone calls this morning already and will hopefully be able to get some help and direction today.
I've been reading more of the Bible this morning, and carry a highlighter to mark the passages that touch me. I hope this isn't sac-religious. (Spelling?)
Proverbs 4:23-27
"Above all else, guard your heart,
For everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity;
Keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
Fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
And be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
Keep your foot from evil."
I called off work today. I've literally been sick all night thinking about all that's going on. I've made some phone calls this morning already and will hopefully be able to get some help and direction today.
I've been reading more of the Bible this morning, and carry a highlighter to mark the passages that touch me. I hope this isn't sac-religious. (Spelling?)
Proverbs 4:23-27
"Above all else, guard your heart,
For everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity;
Keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
Fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
And be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
Keep your foot from evil."
DAY 33, Post 2
I've been having trouble sleeping. Even at 230 am, however, it's amazing that I can still find comforting ears to talk to.
But now, over an hour later, I'm in bed and I decided to read the Bible...
Proverbs 3:21-24
"My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down your sleep will be sweet."
Hmmmm...
But now, over an hour later, I'm in bed and I decided to read the Bible...
Proverbs 3:21-24
"My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down your sleep will be sweet."
Hmmmm...
Thursday, March 3, 2011
DAY 32, Post 5
So, I already said I was looking forward to going to church tonight for DivorceCare. Well, I wasn't expecting to run into DH there. Needless to say, I turned around and walked out. My personal intentions of being there wouldn't have been spiritually met with him glaring at me from across the room.
DAY 32, Post 4
What a day. I seemed to get from all sides... Bad, good and in the middle.
The very bad I'm not going to get into. That's where the day started, well, after the visit to DH's house this morning to pull the files.
Then I headed to the GAL appointment. I wound up there an hour early, which seems to be the story of my life lately. So, I drove down the street to the Christian bookstore. On my way out I saw a Proverbs verse about friends that I was going to text, however when I got to my car and looked into my Bible I found another verse instead...
"The mouth of an adulterous woman is a deep pit; a man who is under the Lord's wrath falls into it."
~Proverbs 22:14
I cried. Seriously I felt horrible. Did he fall into my pit? Is this why he keeps getting hit by slingshots of shit?
So I sat there and cried and came to the sudden realization that I need to make REAL changes in my life. I need to BE a good person and surround myself with good people. The road I've been on doesn't work for me anymore.
So now I'm at dinner with the boys, waiting until it's time to go to church for DivorceCare. Today is another new turning point in my life. I can't wait to see where life takes me from here on out.
The very bad I'm not going to get into. That's where the day started, well, after the visit to DH's house this morning to pull the files.
Then I headed to the GAL appointment. I wound up there an hour early, which seems to be the story of my life lately. So, I drove down the street to the Christian bookstore. On my way out I saw a Proverbs verse about friends that I was going to text, however when I got to my car and looked into my Bible I found another verse instead...
"The mouth of an adulterous woman is a deep pit; a man who is under the Lord's wrath falls into it."
~Proverbs 22:14
I cried. Seriously I felt horrible. Did he fall into my pit? Is this why he keeps getting hit by slingshots of shit?
So I sat there and cried and came to the sudden realization that I need to make REAL changes in my life. I need to BE a good person and surround myself with good people. The road I've been on doesn't work for me anymore.
So now I'm at dinner with the boys, waiting until it's time to go to church for DivorceCare. Today is another new turning point in my life. I can't wait to see where life takes me from here on out.
DAY 32, Post 3
Today is going to be an interesting day...
This morning at 8am I was accompanied into DH's house by a sheriff to go through MY file cabinet. Yes, MY file cabinet. DH and his attorney would not allow me to take MY files, but instead I got to leave the files that I want with DH so that he can take them to his attorney to make copies... for me... Yea, nice. It will probably cost me $3.00/copy which is f***ing ridiculous.
This afternoon at 1:30ish I have my first meeting with the GAL. I'm finishing up my paperwork right now, but I must admit I'm freaking out. I don't want to say anything wrong and risk losing custody to him. I can't/don't want to go into details about why on here as I've heard I could be sued for slander, even if what I say is the truth.
On my way to the GAL meeting I am going to stop by a Christian bookstore. For the longest time I was agnostic, however the weekend after I moved out I attended a service at Ginghamsburg Church in Tipp City, OH. It was amazing, and if I wan't crying, I was tearing up or getting goosebumps all the way through the service. A couple of weeks later, Pastor Mike made a comment in his sermon (is that the right word) about how the trials we face now are just manure fertilizing a better future. Having had the Slingshots of Shit discussion with CL-WoW already, this just struck me as awe-inspiring. Anyway, I'm going to stop by the Christian bookstore to see if there is anything that will help me through this.
Then tonight, Ginghamsburg has a DivorceCare Ministry for adults as well as a separate one for children. I've decided the three of us NEED to go. I will not deny, I do NOT miss DH in the least. But I do have those moments of panic where I wonder "How the HELL did I wind up HERE?!?" Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my apartment. I LOVE my boys. But this whole situation is still scary for me.
CT texted me yesterday wishing me a happy birthday, and then asked later in the day how my day was going and we had a short conversation. I said my day was going better than it started and he asked if I had a new boyfriend. Obviously, I don't. However when I asked if he had picked up any new phone numbers, he insulted me GREATLY when he said, "No, I'm taking a break from you crazy f**kers." All I can still think is, "Wow." I can NOT handle that. I will NOT deal with that. I've just added another item to my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet."
This morning at 8am I was accompanied into DH's house by a sheriff to go through MY file cabinet. Yes, MY file cabinet. DH and his attorney would not allow me to take MY files, but instead I got to leave the files that I want with DH so that he can take them to his attorney to make copies... for me... Yea, nice. It will probably cost me $3.00/copy which is f***ing ridiculous.
This afternoon at 1:30ish I have my first meeting with the GAL. I'm finishing up my paperwork right now, but I must admit I'm freaking out. I don't want to say anything wrong and risk losing custody to him. I can't/don't want to go into details about why on here as I've heard I could be sued for slander, even if what I say is the truth.
On my way to the GAL meeting I am going to stop by a Christian bookstore. For the longest time I was agnostic, however the weekend after I moved out I attended a service at Ginghamsburg Church in Tipp City, OH. It was amazing, and if I wan't crying, I was tearing up or getting goosebumps all the way through the service. A couple of weeks later, Pastor Mike made a comment in his sermon (is that the right word) about how the trials we face now are just manure fertilizing a better future. Having had the Slingshots of Shit discussion with CL-WoW already, this just struck me as awe-inspiring. Anyway, I'm going to stop by the Christian bookstore to see if there is anything that will help me through this.
Then tonight, Ginghamsburg has a DivorceCare Ministry for adults as well as a separate one for children. I've decided the three of us NEED to go. I will not deny, I do NOT miss DH in the least. But I do have those moments of panic where I wonder "How the HELL did I wind up HERE?!?" Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my apartment. I LOVE my boys. But this whole situation is still scary for me.
CT texted me yesterday wishing me a happy birthday, and then asked later in the day how my day was going and we had a short conversation. I said my day was going better than it started and he asked if I had a new boyfriend. Obviously, I don't. However when I asked if he had picked up any new phone numbers, he insulted me GREATLY when he said, "No, I'm taking a break from you crazy f**kers." All I can still think is, "Wow." I can NOT handle that. I will NOT deal with that. I've just added another item to my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet."
DAY 32, Post 2
I went to bed last night thinking I would fall asleep peacefully, but, I didn't. I worried. All night. I suppose I never got rid of my childhood nickname of "Worrywart."
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
DAY 31, Post 5
I'm pooped. And I'm thankful that although this day was somewhat draining, I feel like I'll be able to go to sleep peacefully tonight.
But I realized I couldn't go to sleep without thanking my mom for the haircut she paid for for my birthday. I must admit, the Before picture is better than the After. But I now have the nice crisp ends that always accompany a haircut. Considering how much I play with my hair when I'm thinking, I've already been enjoying feeling them, haha.
But I realized I couldn't go to sleep without thanking my mom for the haircut she paid for for my birthday. I must admit, the Before picture is better than the After. But I now have the nice crisp ends that always accompany a haircut. Considering how much I play with my hair when I'm thinking, I've already been enjoying feeling them, haha.
Before... Somehow it looks like I had on lipstick, even though I didn't...
After... Looking washed out for some reason. But my hair lost 1/2" - 1".
This is the longest my hair has been in years, and I was amazed that Karen said my hair was healthy, despite the fact that I haven't felt like eating much. It must be all the steak I eat at work!
DAY 31, Post 4
I won't deny that today started off really rough for me. REALLY rough...
I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December. I was weighed again, and today was down to 151. Last week I was 154. December 1 I was 170 pounds. She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on. I just broke down... again... I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha. But now it's official! Down 60 pounds since January 2010!
After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me. I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now. Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me. I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car. And health insurance. Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me. I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.
To CL-WoW... I doubt you're reading this but thank you... The hour today meant the world to me. Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.
I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December. I was weighed again, and today was down to 151. Last week I was 154. December 1 I was 170 pounds. She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on. I just broke down... again... I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha. But now it's official! Down 60 pounds since January 2010!
After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me. I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now. Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me. I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car. And health insurance. Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me. I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.
To CL-WoW... I doubt you're reading this but thank you... The hour today meant the world to me. Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.
DAY 31, Post 3
I'm doing pretty well tackling my to-do list, although right now I'm at the doctors office waiting to be seen. So far I've done all the dishes, cleaned out my car, cleaned and vacuumed my room, cleaned my bathroom (with the exception of the toilet), cleaned the half-bath (again, with the exception of the toilet), and done a ton of laundry. I've also hung most of the pictures, but I found a couple more I want to put up.
My to-do list doesn't seem to be distracting me very well though. I'm still thinking way too much. And although I appreciate all of the birthday wishes I've received, I'm sorry that I haven't responded to one of them personally yet. I'd rather just think of today as any other day where I don't have to work. I don't feel like thinking about it being by birthday. It's just not a happy day for me...
DAY 31, Post 2
DEEP Sigh... So it's the day. But I've decided to give myself a to-do list to keep myself occupied. The first task is/was cleaning up my living room, and I've been watching reruns of The Office. Wouldn't you know, one of my favorite openers was on the episode I turned on...
I can't get the YouTube blogger share feature to work properly, but click here to see the clip I'm talking about. I would be the one to sit there waiting for the colorful cube to hit the corner.
Anyway, here's my To-Do List for the day...
I can't get the YouTube blogger share feature to work properly, but click here to see the clip I'm talking about. I would be the one to sit there waiting for the colorful cube to hit the corner.
Anyway, here's my To-Do List for the day...
- Clean/vacuum living room
- Do dishes
- Clean kitchen
- Clean all bathrooms
- Finish all laundry and put away
- Clean out car
- Hang photos I found from Photo101 in college
- Go to bank and turn in tip change
- Follow up on WPAFB interior design project
- Finish knitting front of sweater
- Finish knitting blanket block
- Clean/vacuum boys bedrooms
- Clean/vacuum my room
DAY 31, Post 1
So today I don't turn 30, but 32... But here's MY birthday song and today's Song of the Day...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
DAY 30, Post 6
The seven o'clock hour is for some reason always very hard for me. It seems to drag along, with Nick on the TV, boys arguing, me trying to figure out what to focus on, and every.second.ticking.by.slowly.
Tonight is no different.
I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone. Without kids. Without family. Alone. Joy.
I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill. Do I bake myself a cake? Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch? Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians? That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...
I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow. I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night. I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow. But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste. And I wish it wasn't. The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry. My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason. And it sucks. I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years.... With a shrimp ring and champagne. THAT was a GREAT night... And 2011 was to be great too...
Tonight is no different.
I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone. Without kids. Without family. Alone. Joy.
I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill. Do I bake myself a cake? Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch? Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians? That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...
I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow. I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night. I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow. But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste. And I wish it wasn't. The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry. My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason. And it sucks. I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years.... With a shrimp ring and champagne. THAT was a GREAT night... And 2011 was to be great too...
DAY 30, Post 5
So here it is... My last photo of myself as a 31 year old. And I'm wearing the coat my mom gave me for my birthday. Thanks, Mom!
DAY 30, Post 4
What a beautiful day! I'm taking a quick breather before I go get the boys. I think we'll have to go outside for a while when we get home. Penny will enjoy running around with them a bit.
I had my appointment with my attorney this afternoon after work and she left me with a lot of hope, including about next Monday's custody hearing. I feel REALLY good about that.
I didn't hear anything about the Cross County Care Package... Yet... The postman said it should be delivered today, and I really hope it was. I composed an email this morning concerning it, and sent it this afternoon, so that if there is backlash or negativity about it I can direct him to read the email. I can't imagine myself getting upset about receiving a care package though... From anyone... I guess only time will tell.
I had my appointment with my attorney this afternoon after work and she left me with a lot of hope, including about next Monday's custody hearing. I feel REALLY good about that.
I didn't hear anything about the Cross County Care Package... Yet... The postman said it should be delivered today, and I really hope it was. I composed an email this morning concerning it, and sent it this afternoon, so that if there is backlash or negativity about it I can direct him to read the email. I can't imagine myself getting upset about receiving a care package though... From anyone... I guess only time will tell.
DAY 30, Post 3
Nearly 6am... I've spent the last three hours working on my responses to DH's first set of divorce interrogatories. I had already spent three plus hours working on these things, and I'm only on question 12 out of 22.
This afternoon I have an appointment with my attorney to discuss my goals and Thursday I have my initial appointment with the GAL. Oh, and the highlight of Thursday is meeting with DH and a sheriff to go through MY file cabinet to get information I need to finish these interrogatories. Joy joy. It will be the highlight of my day.
And then... Next Monday there is yet another custody hearing. Neither my attorney nor I can figure out why DH and his attorney requested another hearing on an arrangement they proposed and set forth into motion. Stupid stupid.
This afternoon I have an appointment with my attorney to discuss my goals and Thursday I have my initial appointment with the GAL. Oh, and the highlight of Thursday is meeting with DH and a sheriff to go through MY file cabinet to get information I need to finish these interrogatories. Joy joy. It will be the highlight of my day.
And then... Next Monday there is yet another custody hearing. Neither my attorney nor I can figure out why DH and his attorney requested another hearing on an arrangement they proposed and set forth into motion. Stupid stupid.
DAY 30, Post 2
Yea, another 2am post. I fell asleep with Thing 2 in his bed last night and woke up 15 minutes ago feeling incredibly selfish. Why? Because I want to spend time with somebody on my birthday. And I know he has stuff he wants/needs to be focusing on and it's not me... Right now.
I don't know that it WILL ever be me again. And I feel like a hypocrite. I have that "Focus on what you NEED! Not what you want..." sign on my monitor and I'm not allowing him to do that. I want to be there for him, but... I don't want to make him angry by asking for time away from what he NEEDS to be focusing on. Even if I'm only trying to do it as a friend.
His birthday is coming up too. March 19. Another Pisces. I'd LOVE to celebrate that day with him. Start year #31 off right and with a smile and laughter. Way back when I had taken the day off work. I never gave it back. But that's HIS day, and I hope he finds everything he's looking for on it. And I hope "K" is still in town to celebrate it with him. (That's all I will say about "K.")
I won't deny that I have ideas about a birthday Cross County Care Package. However seeing as I woke up to my internet not working, possibly because I haven't paid the bill, it's hard to justify spending a penny on someone besides the boys and I. BUT, I'm a giving person. And even if I don't do the package, or don't do it in the way I would have liked, the thought it there. And it's the thought that counts, right? Or so society has taught us...
The thought IS there... Constantly.
I don't know that it WILL ever be me again. And I feel like a hypocrite. I have that "Focus on what you NEED! Not what you want..." sign on my monitor and I'm not allowing him to do that. I want to be there for him, but... I don't want to make him angry by asking for time away from what he NEEDS to be focusing on. Even if I'm only trying to do it as a friend.
His birthday is coming up too. March 19. Another Pisces. I'd LOVE to celebrate that day with him. Start year #31 off right and with a smile and laughter. Way back when I had taken the day off work. I never gave it back. But that's HIS day, and I hope he finds everything he's looking for on it. And I hope "K" is still in town to celebrate it with him. (That's all I will say about "K.")
I won't deny that I have ideas about a birthday Cross County Care Package. However seeing as I woke up to my internet not working, possibly because I haven't paid the bill, it's hard to justify spending a penny on someone besides the boys and I. BUT, I'm a giving person. And even if I don't do the package, or don't do it in the way I would have liked, the thought it there. And it's the thought that counts, right? Or so society has taught us...
The thought IS there... Constantly.
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