WoW... Today marks three months since THAT day... I never knew that would be the last kiss. I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be... It. I was just SO hurt and SO angry. I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested. I still don't I suppose. I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.
Because honestly... I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last. I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car. I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him. And I don't want that day to have been... It... It was too good before then to just end like that.
It's 2am and I'm awake. And I don't want to be. I want to be asleep. But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts.
I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me. He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him. Penny's also curled up next to him. It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.
Showing posts with label Heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heartbreak. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
DAY 68, Post 2
I feel numb. This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing. I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there. I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month. And even then I didn't really eat it. I miss bacon and egg sandwiches... Or bacon and french toast. I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
DAY 62, Post 5
I'm struggling tonight. With loneliness... With hurt... With worry. With anguish... With frustration. With too many thoughts... And I can't stand it.
I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?
Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.
I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?
Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.
DAY 62, Post 4
My evening thinking session has started early today, thanks to the March 28, 2011 "Our Daily Bread" article which I caught up on today. A couple sections especially got to me...
Love is not blind but looks
Abroad through others' eyes,
And asks not, "Must I give?"
But, "May I sacrifice?" -Ziegler
Yea, I am approaching this quote first because it's easier for me to discuss. I've done a lot lately, not because I felt I must give, but because I felt there were things I could myself sacrifice to do something for others. And I did. And no, love is not blind. Sometimes, however, love gives the false impression that you can see clearly when actually you can't. You can't always see what you're doing clearly, and unfortunately giving sometimes means hurting, both someone else and yourself. Why someone else? Because they can't give in return. Which is where the rest comes in...
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests
but each of you to the interests of the others.
-Philippians 2:3-4
I cannot deny for a second that a lot of my giving and sacrificing had selfish intents. And I was looking to my own interests and not to the interests of others. And after having read this I am feeling REALLY bad. Like horribly bad. Because I can't walk in anyone's shoes but my own, and while I would gladly walk in someone else's shoes to remove some of the stress, scariness, uncomfortableness, etc., those shoes are not mine and will not fit. I can't walk on their shoes, but can only be asked to walk beside them, which I haven't been. And, I won't deny that I've wanted that invitation.
BUT, I must also say, that I do wish I could help. More than anything, I wish I could be Mary Poppins and snap my fingers to clean up the messes. That would be a wonderful day. But I'm not Mary Poppins. I'm a 32-year old single-mother of two working a (basically) minimum wage job to pay my bills. And they're not even all getting paid (on-time). And somehow I need to focus on cleaning up my own messes, even if they are not the ones I want to focus on. Because, how can I help anyone else if I don't have my rent paid, gas, water and electric paid for, a job, or food in my kitchen for me and my boys?
Monday, March 28, 2011
DAY 57, Post 5
Now I'm 95% sure about what I saw earlier. And instead of being angry, I'm just sad.
Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this? I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before? I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.
I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish. An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is. And it sucks. Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.
While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful. And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others. And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit... Be honest already! What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be? Only more hurt for you AND other people!
Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this? I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before? I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.
I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish. An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is. And it sucks. Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.
While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful. And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others. And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit... Be honest already! What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be? Only more hurt for you AND other people!
Friday, March 25, 2011
DAY 54, Post 4
I took the boys' clothes over to DH's house and then got back in my car and started driving. It was about the time that I got to the square that I realized, "What am I doing?" I drove around the square and drove back home. And here I am...
I don't like being worried. I want to send a text to find out how he's doing. But I can't. I want to send an email. But I won't. I want to so terribly, but I won't. I dread this is his last couple of days with his daughter, and I'm not going to interupt that... Even if he's not checking his email.
So I'll sit here, watch TV and knit. I'm working on the pocket that goes on the front of the sweater. I'm thinking of finishing it, sewing it to the front and then stuffing it with Cellas. What good is a pocket if there's nothing worthwhile inside? Sure, I'd love for my hands to be inside, but... Big sigh.
I don't like being worried. I want to send a text to find out how he's doing. But I can't. I want to send an email. But I won't. I want to so terribly, but I won't. I dread this is his last couple of days with his daughter, and I'm not going to interupt that... Even if he's not checking his email.
So I'll sit here, watch TV and knit. I'm working on the pocket that goes on the front of the sweater. I'm thinking of finishing it, sewing it to the front and then stuffing it with Cellas. What good is a pocket if there's nothing worthwhile inside? Sure, I'd love for my hands to be inside, but... Big sigh.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
DAY 53, Post 3
This may come to shock to anyone reading this (and from what I can tell, there's only one person reading my blog right now, haha), but... I decided to offer another night a week of custody to DH today. With what we're talking about right now, custody will basically be split 50/50, with the kids rotating nights with us on a 2-2-5-5 cycle. Basically, he'll have them Wednesday and Thursday nights and every other weekend (weekend being Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights) and I'll have them Monday and Tuesday nights and every other weekend.
There were a few reasons for my deciding to do this...
1. Growing up, I didn't like only seeing my dad every other weekend.
2. I don't want custody to be a huge battle come our divorce proceedings. Honestly, I want to enter the next stage of our lives as civilly as possible, and custody would be the biggest hurdle.
3. CL-WoW. What's he's going through child-wise breaks my heart (for him). And I'm trying to be a better person, so I decided I needed to give DH more time with the boys.
On the topic of trying to be a better person, I need to come up with a different definition of DH. The former definition doesn't go along with the mentality of being a better person. I've already changed the ringer and message notifications for him on my cell (they weren't really... appropriate). But, I don't really want to go back and change all the DH's to something else. So... I could use new meanings for the letters DH. Suggestions, anyone?
There were a few reasons for my deciding to do this...
1. Growing up, I didn't like only seeing my dad every other weekend.
2. I don't want custody to be a huge battle come our divorce proceedings. Honestly, I want to enter the next stage of our lives as civilly as possible, and custody would be the biggest hurdle.
3. CL-WoW. What's he's going through child-wise breaks my heart (for him). And I'm trying to be a better person, so I decided I needed to give DH more time with the boys.
On the topic of trying to be a better person, I need to come up with a different definition of DH. The former definition doesn't go along with the mentality of being a better person. I've already changed the ringer and message notifications for him on my cell (they weren't really... appropriate). But, I don't really want to go back and change all the DH's to something else. So... I could use new meanings for the letters DH. Suggestions, anyone?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
DAY 52, Post 4
I'm not feeling great right now. After I went shopping I got stuck in a thunderstorm/hail storm, and sat in my car knitting and listening to music for a bit. I'm changing tomorrow's Song of the Day, so you can listen to the song then, but the lyrics are here... I hadn't read them before, or really listened to them, and I honestly thought they were more... Religious... When I added them to the playlist I put them on.
But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel. And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel. And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
DAY 48, Post 2
This day is already emotionally hard, and I want so much but I feel incredibly selfish. Maybe I said that wrong... I want to give so much.
I'm at the Y with the boys right now, but my head and heart are elsewhere. Is he ok? Is he celebrating his birthday alone? Is he curled up with his blankets over his head wallowing? Would a hug make any of it better? Did he get my birthday card or my email? If so, did he appreciate them or does he even care that I sent them?
I detest this not-knowing. I am not a fan of uncertainty, and despite all I do, I care too much to... Not care. It's not in me.
It's not even my birthday, but I care too much about whether or not it's a good one to stop thinking about it... About him. And the silence is deafening.
I'm at the Y with the boys right now, but my head and heart are elsewhere. Is he ok? Is he celebrating his birthday alone? Is he curled up with his blankets over his head wallowing? Would a hug make any of it better? Did he get my birthday card or my email? If so, did he appreciate them or does he even care that I sent them?
I detest this not-knowing. I am not a fan of uncertainty, and despite all I do, I care too much to... Not care. It's not in me.
It's not even my birthday, but I care too much about whether or not it's a good one to stop thinking about it... About him. And the silence is deafening.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
DAY 45, Post 3
My thought of the afternoon...
How do I know if the reason I can't go is because I'm not supposed to?
How do I know if the reason I can't go is because I'm not supposed to?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
DAY 32, Post 2
I went to bed last night thinking I would fall asleep peacefully, but, I didn't. I worried. All night. I suppose I never got rid of my childhood nickname of "Worrywart."
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
Monday, February 28, 2011
DAY 29, Post 3
One step forward, two steps back... Or maybe not. I had to let go of something that wasn't working today. No, it wasn't CL-WoW. But I realized I couldn't proceed with how things were going with CT when I was clearly hung up elsewhere. So... I'll sit here and wait.
A Cross-County Care Package is all set to be mailed, however I fear that it will piss him off. And that's the last thing I want to do. But I care. So when these little things kept showing up, I couldn't help but to gather them and wait til a package was full. And now it is.
I spent about two hours in my car this morning, just trying to get some clarity. I can't seem to think when I'm at home. Or, I can, but it's not necessarily the thoughts I'm looking for. I wound up at Schuler's Bakery, a place he raved about to me. I bought a donut that I haven't eaten yet. I don't know that I will. It just doesn't feel right.
Now I'm sitting outside of a 2pm job interview, clearing my head, on here, before I go in and knock the socks off them. :-). I had cancelled this same interview six weeks ago and last week decided to call and see if the job was still open. Wish me luck!
A Cross-County Care Package is all set to be mailed, however I fear that it will piss him off. And that's the last thing I want to do. But I care. So when these little things kept showing up, I couldn't help but to gather them and wait til a package was full. And now it is.
I spent about two hours in my car this morning, just trying to get some clarity. I can't seem to think when I'm at home. Or, I can, but it's not necessarily the thoughts I'm looking for. I wound up at Schuler's Bakery, a place he raved about to me. I bought a donut that I haven't eaten yet. I don't know that I will. It just doesn't feel right.
Now I'm sitting outside of a 2pm job interview, clearing my head, on here, before I go in and knock the socks off them. :-). I had cancelled this same interview six weeks ago and last week decided to call and see if the job was still open. Wish me luck!
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