The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I started this post yesterday...

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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.

The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests.  While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise.  My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of.  Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them.  The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.

While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous.  In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."

What's next? 

That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...

What's going to burden my life next?  What's going to make my life better next?  How do I take care of this medical issue?  In general...  What's next?

I can only answer the 3rd of these questions.  On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix.  In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives.  1.  These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous.  2.  This will not affect my ability to have children.  3.  Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.

Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry.  Scared that this won't be the end of it.  Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous.  Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened.  Scared that I won't see my boys grow up.  Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave.  Scared in general...

But I have to interupt those thoughts.  Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns.  So I turn to God.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
   they walk and don't lag behind.

Keep on Keeping On

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.

Keep on seeking, and you will find.

Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

~Matthew 7:7

How can I say it any better than that?  My life feels like a roller coaster sometimes, with unimaginably awesome ascents and unforgiving descents.  When I remember to put faith in my Faith, however, my life plateaus for a bit, and more often or not the plateau is on an up, not on a down.

Last night was filled with all kinds of rushes in good ways.  Here are a few highlights:

• Thing 1 and Thing 2 came home after spending the last 5 nights with their dad.
• Thing 1 presented Dave with an awesome picture he drew, with the caption "The Best Dad Award"
• I did my taxes last night, and forecasted Dave's.  The good news...  Actually, GREAT news is that money is on it's way!
• My fingers were ready for knitting last night.  I divided my dress for the front and back over the weekend, and last night I started the neck and shoulder shaping, including binding off the neckline stitches.  I'm thinking I'll be able to finish at least the left shoulder tonight!

I hope you and your loved ones are either on the ascent or on a plateau at the top!  XO

Every Inch of Life...

More nights than not I can be found on my side of the couch, with Penny (the dog) in my lap, knitting.  Dave will be on the other side of the couch, his PS3 controller in his hands, playing the game of the moment.  Right now it's Skyrim.  We'll both have our legs stretched out down the couch, intertwined with each other, and we'll both look up occasionally to find the other one staring at us.  It's not a bad stare.  It's a fascinating, "I love that person, no matter what s/he is doing" stare.  Now that the wedding dress is getting longer, Dave has been picking it up, feeling it, and rubbing his face on it because it smells like me.  I think it's sweet.  Last night, however, he said something that really struck me.  He said, "You know, you have touched EVERY inch of this dress." 

Yea, I have.

While I'm not saying that a store-bought wedding dress doesn't mean as much as the one I'm knitting, and I'm not saying that I'm not going to buy one for the big wedding/reception next year, however I AM just really (don't know what word I want) that I have touched every 1/4 inch of this dress!  It makes it SO personal!

I can't say that I have touched as much of any other aspect of my life as I have my dress.  I've been reviewing my finances on a nearly-daily basis since last May, however I can't say I'm touching every piece of my finances when I can't afford to pay all my bills.  And by discussing my dress, I realize I need to be just as involved in my boys' lives as I am in the construction of this dress.  Am I a good mom (in my opinion)?  Yes, I believe I'm a GREAT mom.  However there are always ways a parent can improve.  And I'm going to find them.  And the same goes for being a mate for Dave. 

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Later...  I need a nap.  And I need to be at home.  The work week needs to end...  Fast...

DAY 359

Stepping away from typing up yesterday's post (a day late) I'm faced with a completely new set of feelings.  While I stand by yesteday's thoughts that I have learned how to live, and that every moment needs to be appreciated and cherished, it takes on a completely new meaning to me.

While there are no results yet, I received word from a doctor yesterday that the results from a routine exam came back abnormal and that further testing and a biopsy are necessary.  Without going into too much detail, the outcome from this (if negative) could impact Dave and my ability to have children of our own, which we very much would like to do.  And while I am trying to stay positive, the "What-if's" sometimes get the best of me.

A follow up exam was scheduled for February 15, however I decided to call today and see if the doctor had had any cancellations.  My favorite doctor in the office had a cancellation tomorrow at 2:15pm and I jumped on it.  With our wedding on the horizon, I would like to know the results sooner rather than later.  I don't like being on edge with the boys, and last night and this morning I was EXTREMELY irritable towards both of them, a fact which I am NOT proud of.  I have taken pride in my ability to keep a level head with them in most situations, and last night and this morning I most certainly did not.

On the flip side, this has certainly reinforced yesterday's post...  For me at least.  Cherish every moment.  Don't (or try not to) stress over the things you can't control.  And take time for hugs and kisses, no matter how late you're running.  It's these moments you will and want to remember.

I brought Dave's headphones to work today so that I can listen to K-Love and the first song I heard when I turned it on was "Hope Now" by Addison Road.  The chorus really got to me...

Everything rides on hope now
Everything runs on Faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free.

In the past year I have been given MANY blessings, including a wonderful man who loves me and a renewed relationship with God, who I can praise and give thanks to everyday, despite everything I may or may not be experiencing.  He has a path for me.  I just have to remember to be patient to find out what that path is and where it will take me.

Day 310

I'm out of the office on lunch and it occurred to me that I haven't updated the blog lately.


My silence has been the result of extreme happiness and hard work. Dave, the boys and I are all happy and healthy, and we are gearing up for Christmas. I've been trying to impress upon the boys this Christmas season what the true meaning of the holiday is. It's not about what we get, but about what we have and why we have it.


But I won't deny that's difficult. With a six-year-old (and nine-year-old) in the house, visions of Santa with a bag of presents are very prominent.


We have made K-Love, a national Christian radio station, a fixture in our lives, and I heard on it yesterday that the average PERSON (not couple, family, etc.) spends $700/year on Christmas presents.  I let out an audible "phooooooo."  $700/year...  That's essentially rent for a month for us.  So here I am trying to figure out how to make Christmas great on maybe $300, and I hear that the average person spends $700.  So if you're reading this, I challenge you to remember what Christmas is really about, and try to focus on that instead.


Dave asked me over the weekend what I want for Christmas and my response (after telling him - him), was a new coffee cup.  Yes, that's all I want.  A new travel mug that doesn't leak when I try to take a sip out of it.  But I guess I never cease to surprise him.  I know he knows I'm not materialistic, but at the time of the year when most people send out mile long Christmas-lists with hundreds of dollars of ideas that they'll probably never use, I choose to be real.  And even when I stretch my brain, I can't think of anything else I want for Christmas.


We found a new church in August that we've been attending, Grace Baptist, and we love how their focus in not on what the church needs financially, but when they do talk about money, it's about how we can help the missionaries or other organizations that need money.  Our family decided to help out Operation Christmas Child (I think that's what it's called), after we heard about what children on the other side of the world have to do without.  While I was able to buy my boys each a 24-box of Crayons for $.50, on the other side of the globe, children go without because crayons cost $5.00... and the average monthly income is $2.00.  Children in Africa need to follow a food truck once a week in order to get fed, and because they lack bowls or cups, they drop the hot oatmeal (or whatever they're served) out of their hands and onto the road...  And they end up eating it off the road.


So how can I ask for anything more than a coffee cup, when there are children living like this?

Day 178, Post 1

Ah...  Sometimes it's hard not to let the stress of money get to me.  But when it does I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful support network who remind me to keep my chin up and that God will provide.

DAY 163, Post 1

It never ceases to amaze me how completely miserable some people are willing to be 24/7.  Whether they be friends, family, exes or co-workers, I just want to smack them into a state of contented bliss.  Even during my lowest times, I did not allow myself to walk around in a state where I allowed myself to be a bitch to everyone around me.

The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him.  I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it.  DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house.  To me, this is not acceptable.  When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand.  They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle.  We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys.  But for him, that is not possible.

Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails.  To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago.  My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate. 

Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman.  The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her.  And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life.  Well, except with DH.  Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.

DAY 113, Post 1

When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends.  Well, let me revise that.  I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.

But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend.  And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so.  This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could...  Just because...

Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.

I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later...  Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park.  I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there.  The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers.  It was amazing!  Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play.  Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face!  Luckily he got the ball with his glove.  Unfortunately, he dropped it.  But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously!  And yesterday...

Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany.  Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months.  After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet.  The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time.  As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be.  :-)

Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!

DAY 107, Post 2

I'm beginning to think that my new job is God's way of telling me that I should have followed in my parents' footsteps and gone to school for accounting.  Somehow the Administrative Assistant position here includes the special added responsibility of scouring through dozens of tabs on Excel spreadsheets to find where miniscule cost savings figures have come from.  And while I normally enjoy detail orientated tasks, the one I've been working on for the past two days is making my eyes cross and blood boil.  I'm just glad I didn't listen to my first instinct last night and take my work home with me, as I probably would have smashed the laptop before the night was over.

Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out.  And it's raining...  Again.  And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved.  DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch.  But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there.  Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.

I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read.  The end reads,

"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."

Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.

DAY 88, Post 1

Alrighty then! It's time I fill you in on all the greatness in my life in the last week!

I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...

I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.

But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!

The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...

There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.

To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.

And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.

I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.

Oh... I am SOOO blessed!

DAY 77, Post 2

I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.

I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.

This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.

Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...

"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.

"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?

"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."

The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

DAY 70, Post 2

I only have a few minutes before I need to get ready for work.  Today I work 8-4.  I clearly upset my General Manager yesterday when he saw the note that I had updated my availability for work.  He came to ask me about not being able to work on Sundays, and I stated to him that the church has asked me to help out.  While I haven't written about it on here before, the church has contacted me to assist in the Children's Ministry, particularly in the childcare rooms during services.  I would be honored.  But I can't (personally)commit unless I know that I will not have to work on Sundays.  It would be unfair for them to count on me unless I can commit to not working on Sundays.  And seeing as I had been thinking about it for some time anyway, I think it's the right thing to do.  As Christians we aren't supposed to work on Sundays anyway, so what better way to "work" then to help out at my church?

I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for.  While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me.  And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon.  I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though.  Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.

While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college.  I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall.  Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling.  The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce.  And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys.  NO way.

DAY 64, Post 3

Like the rest of this year, today was a truly cleansing day.  Not only did I clean up the apartment, but I also cleaned up my life a bit.  And no, I didn't let go of that biggest lingering thought in my life.  But, I did let go, in a way of another.

It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life.  I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were.  And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying.  I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend. 

Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today.  I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring.  Poor puppy was soaking wet.  It's funny...  Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.

DAY 63, Post 2

The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.

So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.

This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.

Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.

Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.

DAY 62, Post 2

Last night I decided to tackle this big yarn mess that Penny made...

This tangled mess of yarn made me think about my life, and the big, complicated knots I knit for myself sometimes.  Although not on purpose, I seem to get myself, physically and emotionally, into situations I can't get out of, at all or very easily.

It took me an hour, and a lot of patience, to sit there and figure out where the ends of every skein were supposed to go.  I had six skeins of yarn to figure out.  Thinking about it now, I remember that one of my grandmothers used to give me a dollar to untangle her (fake) pearls when I was a little girl.  For some reason, I was the only one of the granddaughters with enough patience to sit there and figure it out for her.  Somewhere along the last 25+ years, I've lost that patience and developed the need to fix everything RIGHT NOW.  I need to slow down again.  Let things happen in their own time.

After I untangled the web, I was able to finish knitting the fourth block of my blanket...

I made a mistake on it when I was knitting, but like life, which is full of mistakes which cannot be undone, I decided to leave it.  And while it may not be apparent to other people's unknowing eyes, I'll know it's there.  But the mistake will build character in my blanket, make it mine, just like the mistakes in my life make it truly mine as well.

Nobody gives us a script to run our lives.  And while I have a pattern to follow to make my blanket, it's still mine.  Mistakes will happen.  And I've decided to make the blanket bigger to fit my bed.  So I'll take that and implement it into my life.  I'm taking the script that wasn't given to me, and I'm going to make my life bigger.  And yes, mistakes will happen, but they'll happen for a reason.  And I'll smile, learn from them, and continue to make my life...  Truly MINE.

DAY 58, Post 2

With friends and family who love me and have always wanted to see me reach my full potential, I've never had to worry about receiving an earful of encouragement, advice or criticism, even when I didn't want it. And although I haven't always listened, I'm extremely grateful that these wonderful people are in my life.

I sit here at work, on my break, thinking about people who don't have the support I do. They struggle through life, no one to guide them or hold their hand, or even to tell them when they've fucked up (pardon my language). They repeatedly make the wrong mistakes, and like an idiot expect a different result each time. And unfortunately for some of these people, when something good does come to them, they find a way to mess that up.

I think I've been an enabler of such people. I've tried to be a nice person, and as such have not given the (constructive) criticism that was due. And it's as detrimental to me as it is to them. I stand by, caring and worrying, offering my positive emotional support, yet nothing is gained. For me or them. They still haven't learned as I chose to be quiet with my opinions and thoughts. And that sucks for the both of us. Because while things could change, they don't.

So what do I do? Change myself for other people? Or can I look at it as changing myself for myself? Speak up when I have an opinion at the risk of hurting others? And I have to ask myself... What does God want me to do? Because my current ways don't seem to make a difference. And that makes me one of those idiots.

DAY 54, Post 4

I took the boys' clothes over to DH's house and then got back in my car and started driving.  It was about the time that I got to the square that I realized, "What am I doing?"  I drove around the square and drove back home.  And here I am...

I don't like being worried.  I want to send a text to find out how he's doing.  But I can't.  I want to send an email.  But I won't.  I want to so terribly, but I won't.  I dread this is his last couple of days with his daughter, and I'm not going to interupt that...  Even if he's not checking his email.

So I'll sit here, watch TV and knit.  I'm working on the pocket that goes on the front of the sweater.  I'm thinking of finishing it, sewing it to the front and then stuffing it with Cellas.  What good is a pocket if there's nothing worthwhile inside?  Sure, I'd love for my hands to be inside, but...  Big sigh.

DAY 53, Post 3

This may come to shock to anyone reading this (and from what I can tell, there's only one person reading my blog right now, haha), but...  I decided to offer another night a week of custody to DH today.  With what we're talking about right now, custody will basically be split 50/50, with the kids rotating nights with us on a 2-2-5-5 cycle.  Basically, he'll have them Wednesday and Thursday nights and every other weekend (weekend being Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights) and I'll have them Monday and Tuesday nights and every other weekend. 

There were a few reasons for my deciding to do this...
1.  Growing up, I didn't like only seeing my dad every other weekend.
2.  I don't want custody to be a huge battle come our divorce proceedings.  Honestly, I want to enter the next stage of our lives as civilly as possible, and custody would be the biggest hurdle.
3.  CL-WoW.  What's he's going through child-wise breaks my heart (for him).  And I'm trying to be a better person, so I decided I needed to give DH more time with the boys. 

On the topic of trying to be a better person, I need to come up with a different definition of DH.  The former definition doesn't go along with the mentality of being a better person.  I've already changed the ringer and message notifications for him on my cell (they weren't really...  appropriate).  But, I don't really want to go back and change all the DH's to something else.  So...  I could use new meanings for the letters DH.  Suggestions, anyone?

DAY 45, Post 2

I'm caught in the loop of not giving up again...  And not being able to let go...  Persistance really does suck sometimes.

Mom asked me tonight why I can't let go, and I couldn't come up with an answer.  Period.  I just can't.  Something is continuing to pull me in that direction, and while I try to distract myself, sometimes it just doesn't work.

I go to bed each night praying to God to show me the path I'm supposed to take, and each night I have dreams about him.  I'm starting to resent sleep, because they show me false illusions...  A non-reality that I would accept in a second if I could have it.  But...  I can't? (Question mark intentional)

DAY 38, Post 2

So, for the time being, my blog is private.  A LOT has happened in the past week, and after a stint in the hospital yesterday I realized with no uncertainty that I have NOT been focused on what I needed to be focused on, especially my health.

I'm down to 148 pounds now, not a place I should have gotten to the way I did.  Lack of eating and way too much worrying about things and people I couldn't help.  After throwing up, starting to shake and nearly passing out at work, I went to the hospital where the doctor told me there is a bad virus going through town.  But come on.  I know more than she does.  I NEED to be taking care of me.  Now's the time (not that it wasn't three months or 32 years ago) to be honest with myself...  And others...

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not going to hurt people with my honesty.  But I have to enter this next part of my life doing what I know to be the right thing to do.  Right morally, right ethically, and right personally for me and my boys.

Tonight I am having dinner with JTS, my neighbor (will you give me permission to use your first name?  Haha), and then I hope to go to Ash Wednesday service at Ginghamsburg.  I've spent a lot of time in the last two days praying.  Praying for God to give me strength and guide me into a better tomorrow.  I know there's something better in store for me, but I wish I knew what it was and what all I'm doing now is preparing me for.  Patience is a virtue though, and I suppose I need to hold my horses.

I need to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped me for the past two days, both emotionally and physically.  YOU are my rock.