Stress and Money: They Come and They Go

An hour later...

Suddenly, while I'm focused on doing the best job I can, and whistling while I work, I get a call that I don't want... My ex-husband, telling me that the kids are being refused from day care unless I go over and make a payment.

So I did.

Argh.

I don't have money for this. Yes, I got paid today and have money in my bank account to cover the check I had to write, but that severely impacts the other bills I have to pay. Rent (for February!), car insurance, food, gas for the car... Sigh... I NEED to find something else.

To top it off, the IRS website is no longer telling me the status of my (hefty) tax return. The site I used to file said I could receive my funds in as soon as 10 days. Today is day 10. So why, today, is the status of my return no longer showing up? Is my payment in process? Is it not coming? I'm not a fan of uncertainty.

And to say the least, I'm stressed.

Majorly, agonizingly, stressed.

I know what I need to do, but why is it so hard sometimes? Being a Christian I know I need to put my Faith in God to provide what I need, but I feel like I should be doing more.

Every Inch of Life...

More nights than not I can be found on my side of the couch, with Penny (the dog) in my lap, knitting.  Dave will be on the other side of the couch, his PS3 controller in his hands, playing the game of the moment.  Right now it's Skyrim.  We'll both have our legs stretched out down the couch, intertwined with each other, and we'll both look up occasionally to find the other one staring at us.  It's not a bad stare.  It's a fascinating, "I love that person, no matter what s/he is doing" stare.  Now that the wedding dress is getting longer, Dave has been picking it up, feeling it, and rubbing his face on it because it smells like me.  I think it's sweet.  Last night, however, he said something that really struck me.  He said, "You know, you have touched EVERY inch of this dress." 

Yea, I have.

While I'm not saying that a store-bought wedding dress doesn't mean as much as the one I'm knitting, and I'm not saying that I'm not going to buy one for the big wedding/reception next year, however I AM just really (don't know what word I want) that I have touched every 1/4 inch of this dress!  It makes it SO personal!

I can't say that I have touched as much of any other aspect of my life as I have my dress.  I've been reviewing my finances on a nearly-daily basis since last May, however I can't say I'm touching every piece of my finances when I can't afford to pay all my bills.  And by discussing my dress, I realize I need to be just as involved in my boys' lives as I am in the construction of this dress.  Am I a good mom (in my opinion)?  Yes, I believe I'm a GREAT mom.  However there are always ways a parent can improve.  And I'm going to find them.  And the same goes for being a mate for Dave. 

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Later...  I need a nap.  And I need to be at home.  The work week needs to end...  Fast...

The Year of Ketchup

While preparing to compose today's post, I realized my previous method of naming my posts, by day number counting from the beginning of the post, doesn't really do my blog justice.  So much has happened since I began writing the blog that I could have essentially started back at Day 1 any number of times.  So from here on out I will be trying to name my posts in some sort of creatively relevant manner.

Last night was my second knit in a row of not working on knitting my wedding dress.  I had every intention of working on it, however the pattern with all my notes has temporarily made itself scarce.  I'm going to find it, I know I am, however the break from knitting has given me some time to...  NOT think.  Don't get me wrong...  I LOVE to knit.  And even more, I love to be knitting my wedding dress.  However sometimes my mind just gets going to fast that even concentrating on my pattern can't keep my mind under control.  My thoughts while knitting tend to be focused on money, the wedding (obviously) and a whole lot of randomness, but at times all the thoughts blur together and make me feel anxious.  And with all the good in my life, I don't like to feel anxious.

So last night I spent my time playing on my Kindle Fire, Dave's first big surprise for me over the Christmas/New Year's holiday.  Words With Friends has become an addiction, however last night I was sucked into Sim City.  I remember being in high school, spending weekends at my Dad's and staying up until all hours playing it.  Now that I think about it, even back then it gave me the same escape from reality then as it does now.

Last night's game was going extremely well until my city grew so big that I actually started LOSING money.  And that leads me to my thought of the morning.  How many times can our hopes and dreams become SO large that they actually case us to implode onto ourselves?  We let ourselves take on so much that by the time we realize we're overburdened, we're already caving in under the pressure?

So I realize today, that like Sim City, it is necessary to take life one step at a time.  Last night I found myself building too much of one zone, only to lose money and have them remain empty.  This is like life, only people put eggs into too many baskets and fail to succeed or make an omelette out of any of them.

Dave and I have decided that 2012 is the year of Catch-Up.  (Everytime I say this I want to say Ketchup, with my boys in mind).  But, Suze Orman would probably agree that it's impossible to catch up if you're trying to tackle it all at the same time.  Tackle one at a time and you'll get them all worked out eventually.  Try to handle them all at once and you'll be where you started, with nothing done and nothing more to show for all your stress and efforts.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  ~Matthew 6:34

DAY 70, Post 2

I only have a few minutes before I need to get ready for work.  Today I work 8-4.  I clearly upset my General Manager yesterday when he saw the note that I had updated my availability for work.  He came to ask me about not being able to work on Sundays, and I stated to him that the church has asked me to help out.  While I haven't written about it on here before, the church has contacted me to assist in the Children's Ministry, particularly in the childcare rooms during services.  I would be honored.  But I can't (personally)commit unless I know that I will not have to work on Sundays.  It would be unfair for them to count on me unless I can commit to not working on Sundays.  And seeing as I had been thinking about it for some time anyway, I think it's the right thing to do.  As Christians we aren't supposed to work on Sundays anyway, so what better way to "work" then to help out at my church?

I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for.  While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me.  And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon.  I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though.  Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.

While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college.  I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall.  Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling.  The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce.  And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys.  NO way.

DAY 51, Post 3

An inspiring morning, to say the least...

I realized that over the last four months I have let my personal dreams slip.  While I've spent lots of time worrying about people and things that couldn't be changed, I've forgotten about what I want to do.  And it's time I refocus, or at least spend a good portion of that time on my dreams.

I've had the dream of starting my own scrapbooking supply business.  I've always wanted to have my own brick-and-mortar store selling all the supplies I have (which, thanks to "friends" are less than they should have been), but I want to design and manufacture my own out-of-the-box supplies.  And to do that, I need to design them.

Martha Stewart didn't start her first catering business until she was 39.  I'm just barely 32.  So, with 7 years left, I should be able to make some headway.  But this time I'll do it right.  Martha wrote in her book, The Martha Rules (see below) that she recommends only investing in your business with cash.  That's how I messed up the last time.  Credit, credit and more credit.  I'll be paying off that debt until the end of time.  But now's the time to make a change.  Do something that I want to do and do it the right way.

And that day starts today.