Thanks to a BEAUTIFUL rainbow as Kimi and James pulled in on Thursday night, and Dave, here's today's song of the day...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
DAY 88, Post 1
Alrighty then! It's time I fill you in on all the greatness in my life in the last week!
I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...
I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.
But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!
The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...
There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.
To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.
And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.
I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.
Oh... I am SOOO blessed!
I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...
I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.
But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!
The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...
There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.
To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.
And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.
I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.
Oh... I am SOOO blessed!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
DAY 86, Post 1
Yes, I am most definitely still alive... And VERY well... Hence not writing in a week. And what I lovely week it's been!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
DAY 81, Post 2
I can't even express how overjoyed I am right now. A HUGE smile has been permanently placed on my face, and I don't see it leaving... Ever...
Over the last three months I knew there was a reason why I couldn't let go... Why I wouldn't let go... And my feelings were right.
I love being right. I love feeling it with my heart.
XOXO
Over the last three months I knew there was a reason why I couldn't let go... Why I wouldn't let go... And my feelings were right.
I love being right. I love feeling it with my heart.
XOXO
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
DAY 78, Post 2
WoW... Today marks three months since THAT day... I never knew that would be the last kiss. I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be... It. I was just SO hurt and SO angry. I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested. I still don't I suppose. I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.
Because honestly... I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last. I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car. I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him. And I don't want that day to have been... It... It was too good before then to just end like that.
It's 2am and I'm awake. And I don't want to be. I want to be asleep. But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts.
I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me. He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him. Penny's also curled up next to him. It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.
Because honestly... I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last. I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car. I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him. And I don't want that day to have been... It... It was too good before then to just end like that.
It's 2am and I'm awake. And I don't want to be. I want to be asleep. But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts.
I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me. He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him. Penny's also curled up next to him. It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
DAY 77, Post 2
I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.
I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.
This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.
Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...
"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.
"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?
"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."
The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.
This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.
Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...
"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.
"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?
"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."
The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Saturday, April 16, 2011
DAY 76, Post 2
Take me out to the ballgame! Or 30 of them?!
Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.
The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)
CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.
I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.
Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.
The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)
CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.
I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.
Friday, April 15, 2011
DAY 75, Post 3
The boys and I have watched this commercial about 10 times in the last five minutes. We missed it during the Super Bowl (not surprising, considering our bad Super Bowl experience), but we love it!
DAY 75, Post 2
Wow... I am overjoyed right now! I got the job and I start a week from Monday! Its a 50% pay increase, 40 hours a week, and a total... I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling!
On a side note... I had a first date last night. It went GREAT and I look forward to seeing him again!
On a side note... I had a first date last night. It went GREAT and I look forward to seeing him again!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
DAY 73, Post 4
I just saw him again, but that's besides the point. I am on my way home as fast as I can get there because I got a call about the job I REALLY want. They want to interview me TODAY!! Thank you, Jesus for giving me this opportunity!
By the way, he was heading back towards his house when I was walking out of the mall. I'm just happy our cars weren't at the same light together.
By the way, he was heading back towards his house when I was walking out of the mall. I'm just happy our cars weren't at the same light together.
DAY 73, Post 3
Well, this day isn't going as planned. I came out here to buy clothes and when I got to the register the money I had transferred into my account before I left home was gone. My business account is overdrawn and has been charged off and apparently they are taking funds from my other accounts to take care of my balance.
Soooo... I went to the bank across the street to get money out my checking account (I lost my debit card and ordered a new one this morning) and then drove back over to mall. I didn't park near the entrance because I was really upset and after 10 minutes I decided to get some food. Wouldn't you know, as I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, he drove by. Yea... I drive out here not intending to see him, bother him, etc. and he drives by ME. (I know it wasn't intentional.)
Unfortunately where I was planning on picking up a small lunch was in the same direction he was headed. I lost my appetite. I turned around when I got there and came back to the mall, where I am now. It didn't make me lose my appetite to see him so much as the possibility of being seen by him. I'm not here for him. And I don't want to piss him off.
So here I am, new clothes in a bag by my feet, trying to force myself to eat at this small mall Chinese restaurant that he took me to a couple times. And I'm just not hungry.
Please, God, tell me why he had to drive by then? What are you trying to tell me?
Soooo... I went to the bank across the street to get money out my checking account (I lost my debit card and ordered a new one this morning) and then drove back over to mall. I didn't park near the entrance because I was really upset and after 10 minutes I decided to get some food. Wouldn't you know, as I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, he drove by. Yea... I drive out here not intending to see him, bother him, etc. and he drives by ME. (I know it wasn't intentional.)
Unfortunately where I was planning on picking up a small lunch was in the same direction he was headed. I lost my appetite. I turned around when I got there and came back to the mall, where I am now. It didn't make me lose my appetite to see him so much as the possibility of being seen by him. I'm not here for him. And I don't want to piss him off.
So here I am, new clothes in a bag by my feet, trying to force myself to eat at this small mall Chinese restaurant that he took me to a couple times. And I'm just not hungry.
Please, God, tell me why he had to drive by then? What are you trying to tell me?
DAY 73, Post 2
It is a BEAUTIFUL day out here in Ohio. I decided to take my morning off to go shopping for an interview outfit/professional work outfit. My current work attire is jeans and a tee-shirt. I work tonight 4-11... And unfortunately tomorrow 8-4. I have an interview on Friday with an architectural placement firm, and I need something to wear that fits!
I have mixed emotions about entering the mall though. I have found Old Navy to be my favorite place to shop because the clothes fit great. But the mall, which I am sitting outside of right now, is right down the street from where he lives/lived. And although I would love to drive up the road and see if he is there, I need to... Stop. I can't make the small little drive. I need to prove to myself that I have the self-control. But its so damn hard. I guess this is when I need to pray. Jesus, please help me.
I plan on eating lunch while I am here. I brought my Bible to read while I am eating. Hopefully it will help me as well.
I have mixed emotions about entering the mall though. I have found Old Navy to be my favorite place to shop because the clothes fit great. But the mall, which I am sitting outside of right now, is right down the street from where he lives/lived. And although I would love to drive up the road and see if he is there, I need to... Stop. I can't make the small little drive. I need to prove to myself that I have the self-control. But its so damn hard. I guess this is when I need to pray. Jesus, please help me.
I plan on eating lunch while I am here. I brought my Bible to read while I am eating. Hopefully it will help me as well.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
DAY 72, Post 2
I'm having difficulty today taking my mind off him. I'm sitting in my car at Thing 1's baseball practice and I'm... Concerned. I guess while I didn't expect a response from my last email, even a short and even rude one would have let me know he's alive. No, I can't say alive and well because under his circumstances, I wouldn't expect well. But because of his circumstances, that's why I would like even a one word response. Because I am a worrier. I am concerned. And I care too much.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
DAY 71, Post 2
I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today. I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise. And it feels great.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
DAY 70, Post 2
I only have a few minutes before I need to get ready for work. Today I work 8-4. I clearly upset my General Manager yesterday when he saw the note that I had updated my availability for work. He came to ask me about not being able to work on Sundays, and I stated to him that the church has asked me to help out. While I haven't written about it on here before, the church has contacted me to assist in the Children's Ministry, particularly in the childcare rooms during services. I would be honored. But I can't (personally)commit unless I know that I will not have to work on Sundays. It would be unfair for them to count on me unless I can commit to not working on Sundays. And seeing as I had been thinking about it for some time anyway, I think it's the right thing to do. As Christians we aren't supposed to work on Sundays anyway, so what better way to "work" then to help out at my church?
I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for. While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me. And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon. I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though. Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.
While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college. I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall. Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling. The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce. And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys. NO way.
I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for. While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me. And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon. I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though. Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.
While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college. I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall. Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling. The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce. And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys. NO way.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
DAY 69, Post 2
Tonight I went to the recovery service at Ginghamsburg Church, and unlike my last experience there, tonight was VERY powerful. And I walked out feeling uplifted and with a new purpose.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
DAY 69, Post 1
Song of the Day... I accidentally shook my iPOD in the car this morning, starting the shuffle process and this song came on. I had never heard it before.
Friday, April 8, 2011
DAY 68, Post 3
I'm really beginning to resent my neighbor's car alarm. It has a double honk, and the "beep beep" gets me every time, as do the placement of their headlights. I need to find something else to focus on. Something else to distract me and put my thoughts into, as this isn't working for me.
It was a tough day at work. It was a tough day period. I entered this week feeling really optimistic about what could lie ahead, and so far I... Haven't been totally disappointed but it's not where I thought I would be this week. At all.
It was a tough day at work. It was a tough day period. I entered this week feeling really optimistic about what could lie ahead, and so far I... Haven't been totally disappointed but it's not where I thought I would be this week. At all.
DAY 68, Post 2
I feel numb. This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing. I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there. I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month. And even then I didn't really eat it. I miss bacon and egg sandwiches... Or bacon and french toast. I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
DAY 67, Post 2
I am completely exhausted, physically and just about emotionally. I worked 9-1/2 hours today, which was long, but was nice because it got me a little bit closer to having overtime this week as I was only scheduled for 7 hours. But still, working 2-1/2 hours past when I was planning becomes a little draining. Luckily, the last couple hours flew by.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
DAY 66, Post 3
I'm taking steps in the moving-forward direction this morning. Whether they be the right steps or not, I guess only time will tell.
I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy. I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider. If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life. And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die. So... I need to consider bankruptcy. I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.
Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency. They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about. Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week. So... Yay! I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car. The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures. Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.
Oh! I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget! It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month. The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job. I have so much to be grateful for though. One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children. I can't imagine being under that type of stress. Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc. It's hard enough with just my two boys! She is married though, but still... If he's making the same as us... It's got to be REALLY hard!
I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy. I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider. If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life. And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die. So... I need to consider bankruptcy. I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.
Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency. They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about. Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week. So... Yay! I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car. The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures. Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.
Oh! I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget! It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month. The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job. I have so much to be grateful for though. One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children. I can't imagine being under that type of stress. Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc. It's hard enough with just my two boys! She is married though, but still... If he's making the same as us... It's got to be REALLY hard!
DAY 66, Post 2
My neighbors two doors down have two birdhouses in their backyard. Nestled in the trees, I've enjoyed watching the variety of birds that frequently visit them. I'm not a bird watcher, but so far I think I've identifies cardinals, robins, blue jays and possibly doves.
This morning, watching them hop around and eat their food, I have to wonder what type of worries birds have. Sure, they think to gather their food, protect their young, build their nests and stay out of inclement weather. But what else does a bird worry about?
And now it occurs to me. The worries of a bird are not so different from a single-mom. I need to protect my boys, and provide them food and a safe shelter. But if I'm focusing on these tasks, what else do I really need to worry about? Won't the rest basically take care of itself?
This morning, watching them hop around and eat their food, I have to wonder what type of worries birds have. Sure, they think to gather their food, protect their young, build their nests and stay out of inclement weather. But what else does a bird worry about?
And now it occurs to me. The worries of a bird are not so different from a single-mom. I need to protect my boys, and provide them food and a safe shelter. But if I'm focusing on these tasks, what else do I really need to worry about? Won't the rest basically take care of itself?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DAY 65, Post 4
I want to put a HUGE thank you out there to my sweetie-pie Thing 2. He totally made my night by having a dance party in the living room with me. We danced to "Try a Little Tenderness", and let me tell you... I could feel it in my belly when we were through! Now I know how I'm going to get rid of the belly fat that doesn't want to go away, despite the weight loss.
The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at. And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices. I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.
Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking... Now what? What do I put my efforts in to now? I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was. I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face. Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me. And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has. So... HA!
But really... What now? Where do I concentrate my efforts? I am thinking job searching would be a good route. And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters. The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject. While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt. I got myself into this mess. To me, I really should try to get myself out of it. Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation. I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.
Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life. And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people. An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about. I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling. I REALLY want to help people. But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while... At least a few months if not a year. Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.
The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at. And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices. I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.
Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking... Now what? What do I put my efforts in to now? I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was. I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face. Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me. And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has. So... HA!
But really... What now? Where do I concentrate my efforts? I am thinking job searching would be a good route. And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters. The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject. While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt. I got myself into this mess. To me, I really should try to get myself out of it. Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation. I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.
Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life. And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people. An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about. I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling. I REALLY want to help people. But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while... At least a few months if not a year. Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.
DAY 65, Post 3
Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
DAY 65, Post 2
Well, today could be the day! And although I'm overwhelmingly excited about that possibility, I'm starting to feel very nervous. Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.
I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there. And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close. The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore. It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys. I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me. OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us. And he watches my every move.
I started my own personal counseling this morning. It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it. So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists. The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me. I need to be pushed. I need to be challenged. And I hope to get this from her.
I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday. It had me at 141 pounds. Yikes. Or Yay? I don't really know what to think. The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds. I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college. And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes. My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore. Who would've known that boobs would shrink?
I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there. And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close. The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore. It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys. I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me. OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us. And he watches my every move.
I started my own personal counseling this morning. It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it. So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists. The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me. I need to be pushed. I need to be challenged. And I hope to get this from her.
I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday. It had me at 141 pounds. Yikes. Or Yay? I don't really know what to think. The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds. I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college. And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes. My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore. Who would've known that boobs would shrink?
Monday, April 4, 2011
DAY 64, Post 3
Like the rest of this year, today was a truly cleansing day. Not only did I clean up the apartment, but I also cleaned up my life a bit. And no, I didn't let go of that biggest lingering thought in my life. But, I did let go, in a way of another.
It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life. I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were. And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying. I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend.
Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today. I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring. Poor puppy was soaking wet. It's funny... Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.
It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life. I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were. And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying. I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend.
Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today. I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring. Poor puppy was soaking wet. It's funny... Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.
DAY 64, Post 2
I tend to clean the most when I'm upset about something. But I'm not upset today. (Yay!) So, I'm having to play games with myself to clean the disorganization that seems to reign in this house. What am I doing?
Cleaning out my DVR and my apartment!
Right now I'm working through two weeks of episodes of The Office (syndicated and new). Every other episode I clean. During the alternate episodes, I clean during the commercials. So far it's working! A big pile of papers I had next to my desk has now been filed, and there is a load of laundry in the washing machine.
I wish I was a naturally organized person, but I'm not. So in the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on, playing games to keep the apartment clean.
Cleaning out my DVR and my apartment!
Right now I'm working through two weeks of episodes of The Office (syndicated and new). Every other episode I clean. During the alternate episodes, I clean during the commercials. So far it's working! A big pile of papers I had next to my desk has now been filed, and there is a load of laundry in the washing machine.
I wish I was a naturally organized person, but I'm not. So in the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on, playing games to keep the apartment clean.
DAY 64, Post 1
Another Song of the Day thanks to the tunes that play at work while we're setting up for the day...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
DAY 63, Post 6
No, apparently I can't post enough today. But at least I'm keeping myself occupied, right?
Tonight the boys and I made cookies. Actually, the boys made them mostly on their own, with my supervision. Thing 1 read the recipe with only minimal help from me (he even knew TSP meant teaspoon!) and each of the boys cracked their own egg. I'm quite proud of the job they did!
Tonight the boys and I made cookies. Actually, the boys made them mostly on their own, with my supervision. Thing 1 read the recipe with only minimal help from me (he even knew TSP meant teaspoon!) and each of the boys cracked their own egg. I'm quite proud of the job they did!
DAY 63, Post 5
During all my time outside today, I couldn't help but think more about how much I would LOVE a hammock on my back patio. Do I have money for it? No. Should I spend any of the (hopeful) divorce settlement money on a hammock? No, probably not. But darn, I would love one.
So I decided to look and see how much a hammock would cost me, and here's one that I found and really liked...
So I decided to look and see how much a hammock would cost me, and here's one that I found and really liked...
DAY 63, Post 4
Ahhh... I can't be sure what it is exactly but I'm sitting outside on this beautiful Ohio night we're having, and I swear I smell Axe. And I'm talking about Axe cologne and mens body products, a scent I am EXTREMELY fond of.
I miss the bottles of Axe body wash and shampoo in my shower. I miss the scent of Axe left on my pillow, just so I could smell him when he was gone for a couple days. I miss the criss-cross motion he would use to spray himself with his cologne. I miss how he would ALWAYS smell good... Even his feet (Not that I can say I purposely smelled them... But the fact that I couldn't when I wasn't trying was definitely a plus.)
I have to admit, I've walked the deodorant aisle at Kroger, smelling the various Axes trying to find his. But... There must have been something about the way it mixed with him that made it just right, because no scent I've smelled in the store matches up. And that's probably good, because I would've spent the money to buy it if I could've found it.
Ahhh... One more deep breathe and then I have to go back inside. Breathe in... Breathe out... Back to reality.
I miss the bottles of Axe body wash and shampoo in my shower. I miss the scent of Axe left on my pillow, just so I could smell him when he was gone for a couple days. I miss the criss-cross motion he would use to spray himself with his cologne. I miss how he would ALWAYS smell good... Even his feet (Not that I can say I purposely smelled them... But the fact that I couldn't when I wasn't trying was definitely a plus.)
I have to admit, I've walked the deodorant aisle at Kroger, smelling the various Axes trying to find his. But... There must have been something about the way it mixed with him that made it just right, because no scent I've smelled in the store matches up. And that's probably good, because I would've spent the money to buy it if I could've found it.
Ahhh... One more deep breathe and then I have to go back inside. Breathe in... Breathe out... Back to reality.
DAY 63, Post 3
Church was amazing this morning. Pastor Mike spoke a lot about forgiveness and said a few things that really spoke to me.
"Mercy is grace for the undeserved."
"Forgiveness isn't just for the offender but also for the one who was offended."
"The wise forgive but don't forget."
"Don't be a grace abuser."
"Divorce is sometimes the lesser of two mistakes."
No, I don't remember all of these things by myself when I leave church, but I take notes in the back of my Bible during the service. And I'm so glad I do. At first I worried that writing and highlighting in my Bible was sacreligious, but I've realized that how else am I going to remember the lessons and thoughts that really touched me?
A specific Bible verse also touched me...
"Let any one of you who is without a sin be the first to throw a stone at her."
John 8:7
Like my scoffer last night, how often are we ready to cast judgement on someone else, when we ourselves have committed wrongs in our own lives? And how fair is that?
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself..."
Romans 2:1
I left church feeling total forgiveness for all wrongs committed against me. And I mean ALL wrongs. And I can't tell you how much more uplifted I feel. To not feel anger or hatred is a marvelous thing. I hope that someday all the offenders, and anyone else as well, will be able to feel such forgiveness towards me.
For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
DAY 63, Post 2
The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
DAY 62, Post 5
I'm struggling tonight. With loneliness... With hurt... With worry. With anguish... With frustration. With too many thoughts... And I can't stand it.
I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?
Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.
I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?
Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.
DAY 62, Post 4
My evening thinking session has started early today, thanks to the March 28, 2011 "Our Daily Bread" article which I caught up on today. A couple sections especially got to me...
Love is not blind but looks
Abroad through others' eyes,
And asks not, "Must I give?"
But, "May I sacrifice?" -Ziegler
Yea, I am approaching this quote first because it's easier for me to discuss. I've done a lot lately, not because I felt I must give, but because I felt there were things I could myself sacrifice to do something for others. And I did. And no, love is not blind. Sometimes, however, love gives the false impression that you can see clearly when actually you can't. You can't always see what you're doing clearly, and unfortunately giving sometimes means hurting, both someone else and yourself. Why someone else? Because they can't give in return. Which is where the rest comes in...
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests
but each of you to the interests of the others.
-Philippians 2:3-4
I cannot deny for a second that a lot of my giving and sacrificing had selfish intents. And I was looking to my own interests and not to the interests of others. And after having read this I am feeling REALLY bad. Like horribly bad. Because I can't walk in anyone's shoes but my own, and while I would gladly walk in someone else's shoes to remove some of the stress, scariness, uncomfortableness, etc., those shoes are not mine and will not fit. I can't walk on their shoes, but can only be asked to walk beside them, which I haven't been. And, I won't deny that I've wanted that invitation.
BUT, I must also say, that I do wish I could help. More than anything, I wish I could be Mary Poppins and snap my fingers to clean up the messes. That would be a wonderful day. But I'm not Mary Poppins. I'm a 32-year old single-mother of two working a (basically) minimum wage job to pay my bills. And they're not even all getting paid (on-time). And somehow I need to focus on cleaning up my own messes, even if they are not the ones I want to focus on. Because, how can I help anyone else if I don't have my rent paid, gas, water and electric paid for, a job, or food in my kitchen for me and my boys?
DAY 62, Post 3
I decided to take my yarn and knitting needles to the YMCA with me earlier today, both as a boredom buster and so that DH couldn't drive me crazy. And somehow, during the three hours that we were there, I managed to start and nearly finish yet another block for my blanket! I only had two, three-minute rows to finish after getting home (and a short nap), and voila!
DAY 62, Post 2
Last night I decided to tackle this big yarn mess that Penny made...
This tangled mess of yarn made me think about my life, and the big, complicated knots I knit for myself sometimes. Although not on purpose, I seem to get myself, physically and emotionally, into situations I can't get out of, at all or very easily.
It took me an hour, and a lot of patience, to sit there and figure out where the ends of every skein were supposed to go. I had six skeins of yarn to figure out. Thinking about it now, I remember that one of my grandmothers used to give me a dollar to untangle her (fake) pearls when I was a little girl. For some reason, I was the only one of the granddaughters with enough patience to sit there and figure it out for her. Somewhere along the last 25+ years, I've lost that patience and developed the need to fix everything RIGHT NOW. I need to slow down again. Let things happen in their own time.
After I untangled the web, I was able to finish knitting the fourth block of my blanket...
I made a mistake on it when I was knitting, but like life, which is full of mistakes which cannot be undone, I decided to leave it. And while it may not be apparent to other people's unknowing eyes, I'll know it's there. But the mistake will build character in my blanket, make it mine, just like the mistakes in my life make it truly mine as well.
Nobody gives us a script to run our lives. And while I have a pattern to follow to make my blanket, it's still mine. Mistakes will happen. And I've decided to make the blanket bigger to fit my bed. So I'll take that and implement it into my life. I'm taking the script that wasn't given to me, and I'm going to make my life bigger. And yes, mistakes will happen, but they'll happen for a reason. And I'll smile, learn from them, and continue to make my life... Truly MINE.
This tangled mess of yarn made me think about my life, and the big, complicated knots I knit for myself sometimes. Although not on purpose, I seem to get myself, physically and emotionally, into situations I can't get out of, at all or very easily.
It took me an hour, and a lot of patience, to sit there and figure out where the ends of every skein were supposed to go. I had six skeins of yarn to figure out. Thinking about it now, I remember that one of my grandmothers used to give me a dollar to untangle her (fake) pearls when I was a little girl. For some reason, I was the only one of the granddaughters with enough patience to sit there and figure it out for her. Somewhere along the last 25+ years, I've lost that patience and developed the need to fix everything RIGHT NOW. I need to slow down again. Let things happen in their own time.
After I untangled the web, I was able to finish knitting the fourth block of my blanket...
I made a mistake on it when I was knitting, but like life, which is full of mistakes which cannot be undone, I decided to leave it. And while it may not be apparent to other people's unknowing eyes, I'll know it's there. But the mistake will build character in my blanket, make it mine, just like the mistakes in my life make it truly mine as well.
Nobody gives us a script to run our lives. And while I have a pattern to follow to make my blanket, it's still mine. Mistakes will happen. And I've decided to make the blanket bigger to fit my bed. So I'll take that and implement it into my life. I'm taking the script that wasn't given to me, and I'm going to make my life bigger. And yes, mistakes will happen, but they'll happen for a reason. And I'll smile, learn from them, and continue to make my life... Truly MINE.
Friday, April 1, 2011
DAY 61, Post 4
I've spent a good bit of time job searching tonight, only to reach the conclusion that job searching SUCKS. Monster.com and Careerbuilder produced few results that I even looked at, and even those require more experience (in whatever field the job is in) than I have. And although I applied for quite a few jobs on Craigslist, I'm dismayed that I received quite a few canned responses asking me to visit such-and-such a website to fill out a credit report or some other bogus offer. Sigh.
So... I've decided to look at the progress I've made on my Mini-Goals instead...
So... I've decided to look at the progress I've made on my Mini-Goals instead...
- Keep on job searching. Doing it!
- Scrapbook! I've got most of my inventory back, and it's about time I use some of this stuff for my personal use! Doing it!
- Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter. Trying to do it, but I could be better...
- Turn off the lights and TV every night. Trying to do it, but I could be better...
- Cook a real meal every night that I have the boys. Getting better at this!
- Read every night, both to the boys and to myself. Thing 2 enjoys reading the Childrens Bible I bought him and Thing 1 with me before bed. While we don't do it every night, we do it a few nights a week.
- Knit 3 more blocks for my blanket.... Let's be realistic this month! I finished the front and kangaroo pocket for CL-WoW's sweater. Does that count?
- Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them. Not in the past two weeks due to money constraints. Perhaps by the 14th though!
DAY 61, Post 3
Following up on today's earlier post in which I discussed patience, I practiced patience while making dinner tonight and it worked out for me. I didn't burn the sausage while cooking pasta tonight! Yay for me!
DAY 61, Post 2
I can't really express how I've felt today. My emotions, feelings, etc. run all over the gamut. Tired, motivated, proud, spiritual... Those are just a few...
I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week. As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go. And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit. Because there certainly are. But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up. Will I be exhausted from working so much? Hell, yea! But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again. So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.
While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December. And writing that rent check was... Exhilirating. After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well. Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments! While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks. And I don't like having that little in my account. I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have... More... I handled it like shit. I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December. Woo hoo for me!
After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry. I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed. Yuck, I know. But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room.
And Penny... Damn her sometimes... This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night. Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny! Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago. Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each. So... I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold. The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear. Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.
The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid. Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now. Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well. The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat. And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so... Yea...
Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful. While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend. I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season. I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games. I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves. Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.
This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences. Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit. And I appreciate the lessons each have provided. It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way. With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do. But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers. Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them. So thank you, ladies! Patience truly is a virtue!
So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience. And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial. Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day. I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it. And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well. No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later. If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to. But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week. As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go. And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit. Because there certainly are. But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up. Will I be exhausted from working so much? Hell, yea! But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again. So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.
While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December. And writing that rent check was... Exhilirating. After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well. Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments! While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks. And I don't like having that little in my account. I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have... More... I handled it like shit. I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December. Woo hoo for me!
After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry. I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed. Yuck, I know. But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room.
And Penny... Damn her sometimes... This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night. Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny! Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago. Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each. So... I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold. The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear. Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.
The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid. Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now. Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well. The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat. And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so... Yea...
Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful. While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend. I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season. I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games. I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves. Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.
This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences. Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit. And I appreciate the lessons each have provided. It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way. With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do. But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers. Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them. So thank you, ladies! Patience truly is a virtue!
So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience. And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial. Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day. I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it. And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well. No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later. If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to. But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
DAY 61, Post 1
Song of the Day, thanks to the tunes we listen to at work while getting ready to open...
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