I'm home with the boys this week as my place of employment is on Winter Shutdown. What does this mean? Genuine, quality time with the boys... Or so it should have meant this. Unfortunately they both have wicked coughs and fevers (up to 102.6 so far) and the house is full of coughs and whines. Blah.
With their sickness, however, comes a bit of relaxation time for me. I've started a new knitting project, having finished Thing 1 and Thing 2's stockings just in time for Christmas. I told Dave I needed a break from stockings before I work on his, my and K's stockings for next Christmas. So, a blanket is what I'm working on now.
I've decided to start another (additional) blog, documenting my path of trying to save pennies I don't have in the first place. I've discovered quite a few ways to cut off dollars here and there, and having met some of the amazing people I have in the last month, I 've realized that more people than me need to know how to do the same.
For example, I bought an ORGANIC gallon of milk at the grocery for $1.67 (a non-organic gallon usually costs $2.99+) because it was about to hit the expiration date. With the rate we go through milk I knew the boys and I will drink it before it goes bad, so that 50% off purchase was AWESOME!
I'm searching for a USB cord to hook the camera up to the computer, and then I will share pictures of the stockings, and progress of the blanket... If you're interested, custom-made stockings will be posted for sale on etsy.com, however you will need to order early as they take about a month to knit. (No, I'm not dedicated to knitting every minute of my life.)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Day 323
I've come to the realization that I do NOT like slow days at work. While some people may enjoy the fact that they can theoretically do what they want, I find my eyes wanting to close, and myself endlessly daydreaming about what I'd rather be doing. I like being busy. No, I don't like getting down to the wire with tasks that need to be done, but I really enjoy having a stream of projects to work on.
The boys have been with their dad since Wednesday and do not come home to Dave and I until Christmas Day (Sunday) at 3pm. I miss them. We enjoy the quiet, don't get me wrong, however... After a day or so it's almost too quiet.
Dave can't wait to give me my Christmas presents, and I can't wait to see Dave and the boys open theirs. The materialistic aura around Christmas continues to trouble me, however I love to give. Honestly, I have everything I could possibly want. If there were no presents under the tree for me, I would be perfectly ok with that.
Alright, I am going to move on to pretending I'm working on something else... In all reality, I'm probably listening to Tony Robbins and trying to develop a way to become financially successful. :-)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Day 310
I'm out of the office on lunch and it occurred to me that I haven't updated the blog lately.
My silence has been the result of extreme happiness and hard work. Dave, the boys and I are all happy and healthy, and we are gearing up for Christmas. I've been trying to impress upon the boys this Christmas season what the true meaning of the holiday is. It's not about what we get, but about what we have and why we have it.
But I won't deny that's difficult. With a six-year-old (and nine-year-old) in the house, visions of Santa with a bag of presents are very prominent.
We have made K-Love, a national Christian radio station, a fixture in our lives, and I heard on it yesterday that the average PERSON (not couple, family, etc.) spends $700/year on Christmas presents. I let out an audible "phooooooo." $700/year... That's essentially rent for a month for us. So here I am trying to figure out how to make Christmas great on maybe $300, and I hear that the average person spends $700. So if you're reading this, I challenge you to remember what Christmas is really about, and try to focus on that instead.
Dave asked me over the weekend what I want for Christmas and my response (after telling him - him), was a new coffee cup. Yes, that's all I want. A new travel mug that doesn't leak when I try to take a sip out of it. But I guess I never cease to surprise him. I know he knows I'm not materialistic, but at the time of the year when most people send out mile long Christmas-lists with hundreds of dollars of ideas that they'll probably never use, I choose to be real. And even when I stretch my brain, I can't think of anything else I want for Christmas.
We found a new church in August that we've been attending, Grace Baptist, and we love how their focus in not on what the church needs financially, but when they do talk about money, it's about how we can help the missionaries or other organizations that need money. Our family decided to help out Operation Christmas Child (I think that's what it's called), after we heard about what children on the other side of the world have to do without. While I was able to buy my boys each a 24-box of Crayons for $.50, on the other side of the globe, children go without because crayons cost $5.00... and the average monthly income is $2.00. Children in Africa need to follow a food truck once a week in order to get fed, and because they lack bowls or cups, they drop the hot oatmeal (or whatever they're served) out of their hands and onto the road... And they end up eating it off the road.
So how can I ask for anything more than a coffee cup, when there are children living like this?
My silence has been the result of extreme happiness and hard work. Dave, the boys and I are all happy and healthy, and we are gearing up for Christmas. I've been trying to impress upon the boys this Christmas season what the true meaning of the holiday is. It's not about what we get, but about what we have and why we have it.
But I won't deny that's difficult. With a six-year-old (and nine-year-old) in the house, visions of Santa with a bag of presents are very prominent.
We have made K-Love, a national Christian radio station, a fixture in our lives, and I heard on it yesterday that the average PERSON (not couple, family, etc.) spends $700/year on Christmas presents. I let out an audible "phooooooo." $700/year... That's essentially rent for a month for us. So here I am trying to figure out how to make Christmas great on maybe $300, and I hear that the average person spends $700. So if you're reading this, I challenge you to remember what Christmas is really about, and try to focus on that instead.
Dave asked me over the weekend what I want for Christmas and my response (after telling him - him), was a new coffee cup. Yes, that's all I want. A new travel mug that doesn't leak when I try to take a sip out of it. But I guess I never cease to surprise him. I know he knows I'm not materialistic, but at the time of the year when most people send out mile long Christmas-lists with hundreds of dollars of ideas that they'll probably never use, I choose to be real. And even when I stretch my brain, I can't think of anything else I want for Christmas.
We found a new church in August that we've been attending, Grace Baptist, and we love how their focus in not on what the church needs financially, but when they do talk about money, it's about how we can help the missionaries or other organizations that need money. Our family decided to help out Operation Christmas Child (I think that's what it's called), after we heard about what children on the other side of the world have to do without. While I was able to buy my boys each a 24-box of Crayons for $.50, on the other side of the globe, children go without because crayons cost $5.00... and the average monthly income is $2.00. Children in Africa need to follow a food truck once a week in order to get fed, and because they lack bowls or cups, they drop the hot oatmeal (or whatever they're served) out of their hands and onto the road... And they end up eating it off the road.
So how can I ask for anything more than a coffee cup, when there are children living like this?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Day 263
Why should I feel discouraged,
Today I'm feeling discouraged. Despite all the wonderfulness in my life, DH continues to be a constant source of stress and negativity. Honestly, he's my only source of negativity.
I'm trying to work, and his emails and text messages keep coming in. So I've turned to music... And my blog...
Today's song of the day (in the way of lyrics)...
His Eye Is On the Sparrow
Why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for Heav'n and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
A constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches over me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me (He watches me)
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches (I know he watches)
(I know he watches me)
"Let not your heart be troubled,"
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth
But one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me (He watches me)
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me (He watches me)
He watches me (I know he watches me)
Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
From care He sets me free:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Day 250
I've found that it's important to remember to stay positive at ALL times. My bank account's drained and I didn't get one of the two jobs I interviewed for, but I thank God I have a job and there's another paycheck coming my way next week. And on top of that, I'm extremely happy, the boys, Dave and I are healthy, and... Wow... Look where I was a year ago! And even eight months ago!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Day 226
Monday got my week off to a bumpy start but Tuesday seems to be starting much better. The boys even got up before me this morning and were ready to leave for daycare by 7:30, which... Got me to work EARLY!
This morning Dave sent me a quote request he got at his new job. A customer requested multiples of certain items, and while my first response was "Oh my goodness!", at second glance I couldn't help but notice that the customer wrote (s)he "needed" a quote for these items. It never ceases to amaze me what people think they need. And when I think about it, "Need" is really such a strong word. Think about it. What do you REALLY need? Food? Water? Clothing or some variation of? And some type of shelter? But isn't that it?
DH used to say "I need a #1..." when we went through the McDonalds drive through, and I found it obnoxious then. I think now I realize that people saying "I need..." is one of my few pet peeves. I challenge you, from here on out, to listen to yourself when you're asking for something. Are you polite? Do you say "please" and "thank you"? Try it. You might surprise yourself.
This morning Dave sent me a quote request he got at his new job. A customer requested multiples of certain items, and while my first response was "Oh my goodness!", at second glance I couldn't help but notice that the customer wrote (s)he "needed" a quote for these items. It never ceases to amaze me what people think they need. And when I think about it, "Need" is really such a strong word. Think about it. What do you REALLY need? Food? Water? Clothing or some variation of? And some type of shelter? But isn't that it?
DH used to say "I need a #1..." when we went through the McDonalds drive through, and I found it obnoxious then. I think now I realize that people saying "I need..." is one of my few pet peeves. I challenge you, from here on out, to listen to yourself when you're asking for something. Are you polite? Do you say "please" and "thank you"? Try it. You might surprise yourself.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Day 221, Post 1
Wow, I can hardly believe it's been well over a month since I posted last. Yes, I'm alive and VERY well, as are the boys and Dave. We've been through some changes, however they appear to all be for the better and for that I'm very grateful.
Dave started a new job at the end of August which he really seems to enjoy. While it's not physically exhausting, it challenges him mentally and keeps him interested. It's further than his previous (still my current) 1/4 mile commute, but the roads are good and they will be well plowed in the winter.
Thing 2 started Kindergarten and Thing 1 Third Grade several weeks ago. Both are enjoying school very much, and are keeping themselves out of trouble. Better yet, both are making friends in our neighborhood and enjoying playing outside. Numerous Nerf battles have taken place, and the boys come home caked in mud but they LOVE it. And I love seeing them happy.
We've started attending a new church, after our old church became too focused on money for our preferences. And we really like it. On the first day we attended, the door attendant recognized we were new and introduced himself, and the family sitting in front of us turned around and introduced themselves. And better yet, I know people who go there. Dave doesn't know them really, but he will. I feel like, and I believe Dave does as well, that we've finally found a home church. And it's a wonderful feeling.
And a more wonderful feeling is just being happy. EXTREMELY happy. No matter what happens in my day, in our day, I know/we know we can handle it. And that feeling alone is amazing.
Dave started a new job at the end of August which he really seems to enjoy. While it's not physically exhausting, it challenges him mentally and keeps him interested. It's further than his previous (still my current) 1/4 mile commute, but the roads are good and they will be well plowed in the winter.
Thing 2 started Kindergarten and Thing 1 Third Grade several weeks ago. Both are enjoying school very much, and are keeping themselves out of trouble. Better yet, both are making friends in our neighborhood and enjoying playing outside. Numerous Nerf battles have taken place, and the boys come home caked in mud but they LOVE it. And I love seeing them happy.
We've started attending a new church, after our old church became too focused on money for our preferences. And we really like it. On the first day we attended, the door attendant recognized we were new and introduced himself, and the family sitting in front of us turned around and introduced themselves. And better yet, I know people who go there. Dave doesn't know them really, but he will. I feel like, and I believe Dave does as well, that we've finally found a home church. And it's a wonderful feeling.
And a more wonderful feeling is just being happy. EXTREMELY happy. No matter what happens in my day, in our day, I know/we know we can handle it. And that feeling alone is amazing.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
DAY 179, Post 1
It's amazing how after years of wanting little things and never getting them and eventually giving up, that I realize I'm now getting those things. And those little things all add up to a big, remarkable, wonderful happiness.
Every day before and after work the simple act of a hug and kiss from or to Dave just makes the day better. And the texts during the day to see how each other is doing reminds us how much we care about each other. The zzzziinnnggg that my phone makes when a text message from him comes in makes me smile and my heart warm every time I hear it.
I am not a materialistic person by any means, but on the flip side, I, like Dave, like to spoil our loved ones. Even if it's just by buying each others' favorite candy while we're at the gas station, we just let each other know that they are never far from our thoughts. I don't need or want flowers, jewelry or expensive gifts. It's like Kenny Rogers sang...
Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open the door for me for me, what would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things
That mean the most in my life
... And I have the little things that mean the most in my life.
XOXOXO
Every day before and after work the simple act of a hug and kiss from or to Dave just makes the day better. And the texts during the day to see how each other is doing reminds us how much we care about each other. The zzzziinnnggg that my phone makes when a text message from him comes in makes me smile and my heart warm every time I hear it.
I am not a materialistic person by any means, but on the flip side, I, like Dave, like to spoil our loved ones. Even if it's just by buying each others' favorite candy while we're at the gas station, we just let each other know that they are never far from our thoughts. I don't need or want flowers, jewelry or expensive gifts. It's like Kenny Rogers sang...
Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open the door for me for me, what would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things
That mean the most in my life
... And I have the little things that mean the most in my life.
XOXOXO
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Day 178, Post 1
Ah... Sometimes it's hard not to let the stress of money get to me. But when it does I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful support network who remind me to keep my chin up and that God will provide.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Day 170, Post 1
I'll start with a little bit about optimism and keeping a positive attitude. This weekend was hindered by a dark cloud that I won't really get into, however I'm amazed by the positive attitude that some can keep, despite the rolling thunderstorms that seem to pop up on a random, unpredictable schedule. While some people in my life have an amazing (and to me un-admirable) ability to pick out all that doesn't work in their lives, those that pick out the good when the thunderstorms roll in have my support through anything. I certainly don't want or intend to be a fair weather friend, however those who can keep their chins up and keep smiling give me so much more hope about my own abilities to work through the storms in my life. So keep it, lovely. Keep smiling. Keep laughing. I love you and I'll be there for you through it all.
Moving on...
Being in love, and I mean REALLY in love, has made me feel almost bad for laughing... er, scoffing... at lines in movies when the actors said how love felt. Take Sleepless in Seattle for example. Tom Hanks' character says that when he and his deceased wife would touch it would feel like *magic*. I remember rolling my eyes at this line numerous times. "Yea, right." I would think. Love can't possibly feel like that. But folks, it does. And I'm in awe to actually be able to experience it for myself. I never imagined being with someone who would give me butterflies anytime I thought of him, and even more so whenever I see him. Someone who makes my arm tingle when he touches it, and makes me feel beautiful.. all the time...
I hope you all can feel this type of love someday if you don't already have it. To me, being able to give you this would be the best gift possible. Unfortunately I don't fly around in a diaper with wings on my back and a bow and arrow in my hand. But if I see cupid and know you're looking I'll send him your way.
Moving on...
Being in love, and I mean REALLY in love, has made me feel almost bad for laughing... er, scoffing... at lines in movies when the actors said how love felt. Take Sleepless in Seattle for example. Tom Hanks' character says that when he and his deceased wife would touch it would feel like *magic*. I remember rolling my eyes at this line numerous times. "Yea, right." I would think. Love can't possibly feel like that. But folks, it does. And I'm in awe to actually be able to experience it for myself. I never imagined being with someone who would give me butterflies anytime I thought of him, and even more so whenever I see him. Someone who makes my arm tingle when he touches it, and makes me feel beautiful.. all the time...
I hope you all can feel this type of love someday if you don't already have it. To me, being able to give you this would be the best gift possible. Unfortunately I don't fly around in a diaper with wings on my back and a bow and arrow in my hand. But if I see cupid and know you're looking I'll send him your way.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Day 164, Post 1
Today has already been a whirlwind day. And it's probably going to get even more so considering I just drank a 6-hour energy shot and I'm currently nursing an AMP energy drink. (Can you tell I was feeling completely exhausted?)
To start the day off, Thing 2 beat me at a game of Backgammon (almost) fair-and-square before school. I found out my paycheck was deposited so I went to the ATM to get money for Dave and I to buy gas and my card was rejected as invalid. Invalid?? I called the bank and because I changed my last name due to the divorce, a new ATM card was issued a month ago. I just never opened the envelope. Doh.
So home I went, and then to Speedway to buy gas. Yea... I paid for $15, pulled the handle so it would pump while I was taking care of trash and the next thing I know, my car has $21+ in gas. And I'm an honest person so I went back in to take care of the balance I owed, but the girl at the cash register couldn't figure it out and customer comp'd the difference for me. Two gallons of free gas?!? I'll take it!
Then, an hour after I got to work there was a fire alarm and the fire truck came so... A nice ten minute break was had.
But I was crashing... Hard... I don't know why, but I was completely exhausted and coffee wasn't working so I went out during lunch to buy an energy shot. I decided while I was out to buy new headphones (Slacker.com keeps me going during the day and my headphones broke) at Meijer and while checking out, I had a feeling to buy two scratch-off lottery tickets for $1 each. And I won $4!
This afternoon I am getting my haircut for the first time since my birthday, and I am REALLY looking forward to it. While I know I could go to Great Clips and spend $15, haircuts by my favorite local stylist are the one luxury that I really allow myself. I am anything but a materialistic person as far as I'm concerned, but damn... A good haircut complete with a shampoo and style just feels SO great sometimes.
Dave reminds me occasionally that God will provide what we need, but today He is being VERY good to me! It's a GREAT day! Thank you!
To start the day off, Thing 2 beat me at a game of Backgammon (almost) fair-and-square before school. I found out my paycheck was deposited so I went to the ATM to get money for Dave and I to buy gas and my card was rejected as invalid. Invalid?? I called the bank and because I changed my last name due to the divorce, a new ATM card was issued a month ago. I just never opened the envelope. Doh.
So home I went, and then to Speedway to buy gas. Yea... I paid for $15, pulled the handle so it would pump while I was taking care of trash and the next thing I know, my car has $21+ in gas. And I'm an honest person so I went back in to take care of the balance I owed, but the girl at the cash register couldn't figure it out and customer comp'd the difference for me. Two gallons of free gas?!? I'll take it!
Then, an hour after I got to work there was a fire alarm and the fire truck came so... A nice ten minute break was had.
But I was crashing... Hard... I don't know why, but I was completely exhausted and coffee wasn't working so I went out during lunch to buy an energy shot. I decided while I was out to buy new headphones (Slacker.com keeps me going during the day and my headphones broke) at Meijer and while checking out, I had a feeling to buy two scratch-off lottery tickets for $1 each. And I won $4!
This afternoon I am getting my haircut for the first time since my birthday, and I am REALLY looking forward to it. While I know I could go to Great Clips and spend $15, haircuts by my favorite local stylist are the one luxury that I really allow myself. I am anything but a materialistic person as far as I'm concerned, but damn... A good haircut complete with a shampoo and style just feels SO great sometimes.
Dave reminds me occasionally that God will provide what we need, but today He is being VERY good to me! It's a GREAT day! Thank you!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
DAY 163, Post 1
It never ceases to amaze me how completely miserable some people are willing to be 24/7. Whether they be friends, family, exes or co-workers, I just want to smack them into a state of contented bliss. Even during my lowest times, I did not allow myself to walk around in a state where I allowed myself to be a bitch to everyone around me.
The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him. I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it. DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house. To me, this is not acceptable. When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand. They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle. We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys. But for him, that is not possible.
Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails. To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago. My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate.
Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman. The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her. And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life. Well, except with DH. Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.
The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him. I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it. DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house. To me, this is not acceptable. When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand. They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle. We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys. But for him, that is not possible.
Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails. To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago. My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate.
Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman. The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her. And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life. Well, except with DH. Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Day 159, Post 1
Today's Song of the Day... Thanks to a great choir at church, we've been introduced to this song by Chris Tomlin over the past few weeks. I LOVE it!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Day 152, Post 1
Yes, I am at work. I'm continuing to work on a special project with a couple of great co-workers, however today is review day and... It gets a bit boring. Except for when one of them starts tapping out sitcom theme songs on the table and a google search for the actual theme song follows. That's what's happening now.
I talked to the boys last night (they are at their dad's), and I feel bad for their dad. Why? At the end of the conversation they wanted to know when they are coming back to my house and wanted to blow me kisses. They don't do that during conversations with their dad, but that's because he hasn't earned the respect from them to receive that type of treatment. And that sucks.
Dave and I are continuing to work wonderfully as a team. Last night we relished in the fact that we paid the rent not only on-time, but a day early. While this may seem like a small accomplishment to some, it's huge to us. Although it will be slow-going, we see in our near future that all bills (well, all household bills, not my personal debt) will be caught up, on time, and paid on a timely basis. And that's a WONDERFUL feeling. While in the past I hated with a passion the necessary task of balancing my checkbook... And refused to do it... Now I have an Excel file that breaks down all my spending into categories and I check my bank account on a daily basis. Plus, I have a yearly tab which shows the spending per category from one month to the next and is truly an eye-opener. I have to remember that the month of May included a road-trip for the four of us back to New York, but the amount I/we spent eating out was ridiculous!
I can't figure out how to include my spreadsheet (my figures excluded) to this post, but if you would like the file to use for yourself, let me know!
I talked to the boys last night (they are at their dad's), and I feel bad for their dad. Why? At the end of the conversation they wanted to know when they are coming back to my house and wanted to blow me kisses. They don't do that during conversations with their dad, but that's because he hasn't earned the respect from them to receive that type of treatment. And that sucks.
Dave and I are continuing to work wonderfully as a team. Last night we relished in the fact that we paid the rent not only on-time, but a day early. While this may seem like a small accomplishment to some, it's huge to us. Although it will be slow-going, we see in our near future that all bills (well, all household bills, not my personal debt) will be caught up, on time, and paid on a timely basis. And that's a WONDERFUL feeling. While in the past I hated with a passion the necessary task of balancing my checkbook... And refused to do it... Now I have an Excel file that breaks down all my spending into categories and I check my bank account on a daily basis. Plus, I have a yearly tab which shows the spending per category from one month to the next and is truly an eye-opener. I have to remember that the month of May included a road-trip for the four of us back to New York, but the amount I/we spent eating out was ridiculous!
I can't figure out how to include my spreadsheet (my figures excluded) to this post, but if you would like the file to use for yourself, let me know!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Day 148, Post 1
I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
DAY 137, Post 1
I think the hardest part of my job is knowing what to do when I have nothing to do. Right now is obviously one of those moments. At no previous job has my desk ever been cleaner than my desk is right now. Is there clutter on it? Yes. But only of the kind that my co-workers need and I can't put in a drawer that may be locked when they go to get it. So... The Franklin Covey puncher for organizer pages stays on my desk, taking up a valuable two-square-feet..
A definite perk of this job is the plethora of K-Cup options for the Keurig machine in the break rooms. With probably a minimum of 20 flavors, I've been able to try my tongue at them without having to buy a whole box at the grocery store. At $7.99/box, I would hate to get a box home and discover upon the first sip that I detest the flavor. Thanks to Dave and his sweet tooth, I've started putting sugar in my coffee again and have been able to stomach every flavor the break room has to offer.
And the highlights of my job?! The continued ability to have lunch with Dave every day. And today we carpooled. (Can it be considered carpooling when we only drive a quarter-mile at most to work?) Unfortunately the lunches and carpooling will stop next week when his schedule moves up an hour-and-a-half, but we'll still be able to see each other on breaks.
This is the boys' weekend with their Dad, quite appropriately considering it's Father's Day weekend, and Dave and I are enjoying a little bit of quiet already. Weekends begin Wednesday night and don't end until I pick them up after work on Monday. I can't fully figure out what to do for Dave for Father's Day though. K is across the ocean, and my bank account is suffering, but I still want to do something special for him. He is an amazing father to his daughter, an amazing role-model for my boys, and an amazing person altogether. I just want him to have an amazing day.
A definite perk of this job is the plethora of K-Cup options for the Keurig machine in the break rooms. With probably a minimum of 20 flavors, I've been able to try my tongue at them without having to buy a whole box at the grocery store. At $7.99/box, I would hate to get a box home and discover upon the first sip that I detest the flavor. Thanks to Dave and his sweet tooth, I've started putting sugar in my coffee again and have been able to stomach every flavor the break room has to offer.
And the highlights of my job?! The continued ability to have lunch with Dave every day. And today we carpooled. (Can it be considered carpooling when we only drive a quarter-mile at most to work?) Unfortunately the lunches and carpooling will stop next week when his schedule moves up an hour-and-a-half, but we'll still be able to see each other on breaks.
This is the boys' weekend with their Dad, quite appropriately considering it's Father's Day weekend, and Dave and I are enjoying a little bit of quiet already. Weekends begin Wednesday night and don't end until I pick them up after work on Monday. I can't fully figure out what to do for Dave for Father's Day though. K is across the ocean, and my bank account is suffering, but I still want to do something special for him. He is an amazing father to his daughter, an amazing role-model for my boys, and an amazing person altogether. I just want him to have an amazing day.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Day 135, Post 1
Dave so greatly reminded me today that sometimes things get worse before they get better. And I needed that reminded, especially when financially things got worse today on the brink of getting better.
Ill admit, I've been playing roulette for the past couple of months in regards to what bill(s) had to be paid and which could wait. And today the gas company caught up to me. But as pissed as I am (at myself and my lack of funds), I have to remind myself of all the positives. 1) its not winter and we don't need heat 2) Dave and I both now have GOOD jobs and this is the last month of this poorness 3) the electricity is still on 4) the rent is paid.
So, now comes the struggle of figuring out how and when to get the gas turned back on. I HATE asking for help. And while you may wonder why Dave isn't paying it, ill tell you he would x's 5 if he could. But his job just started last week, and after 2 months of being unemployed, you can imagine what his bank account looks like. Sadly, mine isn't any better.
But as Monty Python sang...
Always look on the bright side of life!
I'll suck it up and ask for help one last time, knowing that next month we'll be on the up and up... Or at least our bank accounts will be. Dave, the boys and I are already well on the up and up. And it just hit me that despite the financial stresses, I really couldn't be happier. And that feels better than words can express.
Ill admit, I've been playing roulette for the past couple of months in regards to what bill(s) had to be paid and which could wait. And today the gas company caught up to me. But as pissed as I am (at myself and my lack of funds), I have to remind myself of all the positives. 1) its not winter and we don't need heat 2) Dave and I both now have GOOD jobs and this is the last month of this poorness 3) the electricity is still on 4) the rent is paid.
So, now comes the struggle of figuring out how and when to get the gas turned back on. I HATE asking for help. And while you may wonder why Dave isn't paying it, ill tell you he would x's 5 if he could. But his job just started last week, and after 2 months of being unemployed, you can imagine what his bank account looks like. Sadly, mine isn't any better.
But as Monty Python sang...
Always look on the bright side of life!
I'll suck it up and ask for help one last time, knowing that next month we'll be on the up and up... Or at least our bank accounts will be. Dave, the boys and I are already well on the up and up. And it just hit me that despite the financial stresses, I really couldn't be happier. And that feels better than words can express.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
DAY 129, Post 1
So there's been a few days since my last post. Why? Because I, of all people, was asked to help write the office internet policy. And one of the many topics discussed is that we're not supposed to blog. Am I surprised? No. However in the times when I don't have work to do, it would be nice to be able to jump on here and write a few lines.
Today was an amazing day, and in many ways prayers were answered. Dave got a job today and will be starting tomorrow... In the same building as me. We will work in different parts of the building, but... WoW!
We're both tired and getting ready for bed but I couldn't go to sleep without sharing the good news.
Good night and God bless!
Today was an amazing day, and in many ways prayers were answered. Dave got a job today and will be starting tomorrow... In the same building as me. We will work in different parts of the building, but... WoW!
We're both tired and getting ready for bed but I couldn't go to sleep without sharing the good news.
Good night and God bless!
Monday, May 23, 2011
DAY 113, Post 1
When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends. Well, let me revise that. I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.
But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend. And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so. This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could... Just because...
Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.
I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later... Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park. I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there. The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers. It was amazing! Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play. Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face! Luckily he got the ball with his glove. Unfortunately, he dropped it. But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously! And yesterday...
Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany. Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months. After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet. The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time. As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be. :-)
Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!
But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend. And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so. This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could... Just because...
Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.
I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later... Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park. I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there. The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers. It was amazing! Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play. Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face! Luckily he got the ball with his glove. Unfortunately, he dropped it. But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously! And yesterday...
Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany. Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months. After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet. The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time. As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be. :-)
Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
DAY 109, Post 1
Last night Dave and I didn't have the boys so we took the opportunity, as horrible and selfish as it may sound, to eat out. No, I will not deny that we don't eat out with them because of the extra cost associated with feeding two more mouths. And... It's just so much more enjoyable eating out when it's only the two of us.
Anyway... When we arrived back home, DH was in the parking lot, kids in the car with him, and being a giant a**. I won't disclose the details of his attitude, however neither Dave nor I appreciated the way that he spoke to me. And Dave let him know it. And DH's response? Something along the lines of "Get out of my way you stupid jerk!"
Everyday I think more and more about getting a restraining order against him. However I fear the consequences of performing such actions. What would he/could he do to retaliate against me? And the only reason I would get the order is because I am more than tired of him verbally accosting me, whereever and whenever he wants. And his choice location lately seems to be at the boys' baseball games. And that's bullshit.
Anyway... When we arrived back home, DH was in the parking lot, kids in the car with him, and being a giant a**. I won't disclose the details of his attitude, however neither Dave nor I appreciated the way that he spoke to me. And Dave let him know it. And DH's response? Something along the lines of "Get out of my way you stupid jerk!"
Everyday I think more and more about getting a restraining order against him. However I fear the consequences of performing such actions. What would he/could he do to retaliate against me? And the only reason I would get the order is because I am more than tired of him verbally accosting me, whereever and whenever he wants. And his choice location lately seems to be at the boys' baseball games. And that's bullshit.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
DAY 108, Post 1
Although mentally exhausting, these past two days at work have been my favorite so far. I've barely had a dull moment, and in some ways I feel like I'm back working in NYC again. But unlike in NYC, even when the workload is hectic, there are still plenty of smiling faces and friendly attitudes.
I find it funny that the woman at the temp agency who hired me asked me if I thought I could handle working with nine men. Honestly, I don't think I could handle working with nine women! These guys are great to work with and keep me laughing. And unlike CMG, I'm in my first week and I haven't dreaded coming to work once. Do I want to be at home curled up with Dave? YEA! But I don't dread being at work. And that feels GREAT!
I find it funny that the woman at the temp agency who hired me asked me if I thought I could handle working with nine men. Honestly, I don't think I could handle working with nine women! These guys are great to work with and keep me laughing. And unlike CMG, I'm in my first week and I haven't dreaded coming to work once. Do I want to be at home curled up with Dave? YEA! But I don't dread being at work. And that feels GREAT!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
DAY 107, Post 2
I'm beginning to think that my new job is God's way of telling me that I should have followed in my parents' footsteps and gone to school for accounting. Somehow the Administrative Assistant position here includes the special added responsibility of scouring through dozens of tabs on Excel spreadsheets to find where miniscule cost savings figures have come from. And while I normally enjoy detail orientated tasks, the one I've been working on for the past two days is making my eyes cross and blood boil. I'm just glad I didn't listen to my first instinct last night and take my work home with me, as I probably would have smashed the laptop before the night was over.
Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out. And it's raining... Again. And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved. DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch. But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there. Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.
I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read. The end reads,
"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."
Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.
Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out. And it's raining... Again. And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved. DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch. But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there. Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.
I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read. The end reads,
"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."
Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Day 102, Post 3
Today's addition (my first installment) to those corny "Love Is" books...
Love is being able to find the same cloud shapes when looking at the sky... Especially when they're an obscure object few other people would recognize. Tonight's object: a Naga from WoW. :-). XOXOXO.
Love is being able to find the same cloud shapes when looking at the sky... Especially when they're an obscure object few other people would recognize. Tonight's object: a Naga from WoW. :-). XOXOXO.
DAY 102, Post 2
I can feel my belly growing... The delicacies prepared by Dave in the kitchen and on the grill are already impacting my weight. I can feel it. And it's funny... I know it's happening because a dress I bought two weeks ago (and am wearing for the first time today) doesn't fit as well around the boobs as it did before. No, I'm not pregnant. BUT, I did notice that when I lost weight I lost it in my boobs. Hmmm...
Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill. I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria. The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.
Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers. The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha. It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him.
Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy. Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma. I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit. I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools. If I could buy him one of everything, I would.
I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves. Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear. Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home. Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car. It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face. Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad. I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die? Am I in heaven?" I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring. Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!
Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill. I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria. The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.
Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers. The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha. It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him.
Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy. Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma. I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit. I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools. If I could buy him one of everything, I would.
I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves. Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear. Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home. Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car. It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face. Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad. I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die? Am I in heaven?" I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring. Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!
DAY 102, Post 2
I can feel my belly growing... The delicacies prepared by Dave in the kitchen and on the grill are already impacting my weight. I can feel it. And it's funny... I know it's happening because a dress I bought two weeks ago (and am wearing for the first time today) doesn't fit as well around the boobs as it did before. No, I'm not pregnant. BUT, I did notice that when I lost weight I lost it in my boobs. Hmmm...
Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill. I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria. The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.
Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers. The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha. It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him.
Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy. Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma. I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit. I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools. If I could buy him one of everything, I would.
I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves. Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear. Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home. Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car. It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face. Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad. I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die? Am I in heaven?" I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring. Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!
Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill. I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria. The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.
Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers. The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha. It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him.
Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy. Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma. I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit. I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools. If I could buy him one of everything, I would.
I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves. Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear. Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home. Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car. It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face. Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad. I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die? Am I in heaven?" I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring. Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
DAY 101, Post 1
I love my new job. LOVE it. But the hours between 2 and 4pm seem to drag unmercilessly. And even worse are the days (like today) when I have eaten a big lunch and my eyes just want to keep crossing. Today the Mountain Dew and coffee don't seem to be helping either. So... I blog.
Yes, I know I shouldn't be doing this from work, but I have a dilemma as far as work is concerned. I'm GREAT at my job. And I'm quick to get my work done, which leaves me with a void in my To-Do pile. Currently I have work to do, however I'm waiting for responses from my co-workers before I can continue on any of it. And I've already cleaned my desk, including spraying it with cleaner, and my e-mail inbox. And I've started on a Power Point presentation for the weekly Monday Morning meeting, even though my pre-decessors didn't normally work on it until Friday. But, yes... I get satisfaction out of surprising people with the news that my work is already finished... Correctly... And ahead of schedule.
Yesterday Dave and I bought a grill and last night he made DELICIOUS beef ribs for dinner. I've never had beef ribs before, and even Mr. Picky Eater Thing 2 loved them! I have to say however, that I had absolutely no clue how much buying a Propane tank cost! Speedway charged over $50 for the tank (because we needed to buy a new tank, not just exchange an empty for a filled), but on a positive note, they give 1000 speedway points with a tank purchase. Now if I only knew how to cash in Speedway points... Hmmm...
Tonight is the first of our two much appreciated (regular) nights off from the boys of the week. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my boys. However, the quiet in the house for those two nights is... Welcomed with open arms... And I will say that I know I like it even more because I know their dad won't be calling to talk to them, even though he already saw them earlier in the day. Perhaps I'll come across as uncaring, but on the nights when he has them, I try to give him HIS time with them without interuptions from me. But he doesn't look at it that way. And I feel he intrudes on my time with the boys. And unfortunately for the boys (and him I guess), they don't want to talk to him when he calls. But he gives attitude to me and them if they don't talk to him, so I am forced to give them no option but to talk to him. And that sucks.
Alright.. Back to work.
Yes, I know I shouldn't be doing this from work, but I have a dilemma as far as work is concerned. I'm GREAT at my job. And I'm quick to get my work done, which leaves me with a void in my To-Do pile. Currently I have work to do, however I'm waiting for responses from my co-workers before I can continue on any of it. And I've already cleaned my desk, including spraying it with cleaner, and my e-mail inbox. And I've started on a Power Point presentation for the weekly Monday Morning meeting, even though my pre-decessors didn't normally work on it until Friday. But, yes... I get satisfaction out of surprising people with the news that my work is already finished... Correctly... And ahead of schedule.
Yesterday Dave and I bought a grill and last night he made DELICIOUS beef ribs for dinner. I've never had beef ribs before, and even Mr. Picky Eater Thing 2 loved them! I have to say however, that I had absolutely no clue how much buying a Propane tank cost! Speedway charged over $50 for the tank (because we needed to buy a new tank, not just exchange an empty for a filled), but on a positive note, they give 1000 speedway points with a tank purchase. Now if I only knew how to cash in Speedway points... Hmmm...
Tonight is the first of our two much appreciated (regular) nights off from the boys of the week. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my boys. However, the quiet in the house for those two nights is... Welcomed with open arms... And I will say that I know I like it even more because I know their dad won't be calling to talk to them, even though he already saw them earlier in the day. Perhaps I'll come across as uncaring, but on the nights when he has them, I try to give him HIS time with them without interuptions from me. But he doesn't look at it that way. And I feel he intrudes on my time with the boys. And unfortunately for the boys (and him I guess), they don't want to talk to him when he calls. But he gives attitude to me and them if they don't talk to him, so I am forced to give them no option but to talk to him. And that sucks.
Alright.. Back to work.
Monday, May 9, 2011
DAY 99, Post 1
It's been another amazing week. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I do not hesitate to say it was the BEST Mother's Day I have celebrated. It was DH's weekend to have the boys (although I had them from 11am - 7pm yesterday) and... I got to sleep in! At about 10am I was woken up by Dave with kisses and an invitation to the kitchen for breakfast. And what a breakfast it was! He had made me a HUMONGOUS omelet with shrimp scampi, onions, salsa, mushrooms (?) and lots of other deliciousness and I got to enjoy Breakfast with the Beatles with him.
After we picked up the boys we went to church, and then home where the boys were blown away to see that Dave's TV has made it's way to Troy... And the Wii and old TV are now set up in Jacob's room. Dave has been VERY helpful in implementing discipline in the house, and not in a harsh manner. Actually, his method of discipline is all about earning respect and rights by giving respect and contributing to the house. So, the although the Wii and TV are now in Jacob's room, the remotes for all of the above are in our show organizer in the front hallway, out of reach in the top row of shoe holders. The boys are now aware that in order to play/watch ANYTHING, they must have done all their chores and have been respectful all day. There are no second chances on being respectful.
Later yesterday afternoon the four of us went to Brukner Nature Center. We walked the path(s) for a while, but because of all the rain, we suddenly found ourselves without a path and surrounded by mud and water. While at first we tried to stay dry and clean, it didn't work for two long. I will add pictures to this post later tonight. We almost had a pet snake, however (and thankfully) the thing escaped from Dave's pocket somewhere along the walk. I can't say I'm disappointed, although I know the boys were.
When we got home I attempted to wash/dry all of our sneakers however I managed to break the dryer in the process. Dave's been working on fixing it today (the belt came off the drum) and I'll be helping finish it up when I get home tonight. (I'm very excited, as I (1) LOVE doing this type of thing and (2) know it's not an activity Dave would normally let me help with... Especially considering he did my nails last night, haha.)
Pictures and more will come tonight...
After we picked up the boys we went to church, and then home where the boys were blown away to see that Dave's TV has made it's way to Troy... And the Wii and old TV are now set up in Jacob's room. Dave has been VERY helpful in implementing discipline in the house, and not in a harsh manner. Actually, his method of discipline is all about earning respect and rights by giving respect and contributing to the house. So, the although the Wii and TV are now in Jacob's room, the remotes for all of the above are in our show organizer in the front hallway, out of reach in the top row of shoe holders. The boys are now aware that in order to play/watch ANYTHING, they must have done all their chores and have been respectful all day. There are no second chances on being respectful.
Later yesterday afternoon the four of us went to Brukner Nature Center. We walked the path(s) for a while, but because of all the rain, we suddenly found ourselves without a path and surrounded by mud and water. While at first we tried to stay dry and clean, it didn't work for two long. I will add pictures to this post later tonight. We almost had a pet snake, however (and thankfully) the thing escaped from Dave's pocket somewhere along the walk. I can't say I'm disappointed, although I know the boys were.
When we got home I attempted to wash/dry all of our sneakers however I managed to break the dryer in the process. Dave's been working on fixing it today (the belt came off the drum) and I'll be helping finish it up when I get home tonight. (I'm very excited, as I (1) LOVE doing this type of thing and (2) know it's not an activity Dave would normally let me help with... Especially considering he did my nails last night, haha.)
Pictures and more will come tonight...
Monday, May 2, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
DAY 90, Post 1
Thanks to a BEAUTIFUL rainbow as Kimi and James pulled in on Thursday night, and Dave, here's today's song of the day...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
DAY 88, Post 1
Alrighty then! It's time I fill you in on all the greatness in my life in the last week!
I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...
I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.
But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!
The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...
There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.
To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.
And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.
I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.
Oh... I am SOOO blessed!
I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...
I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.
But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!
The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...
There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.
To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.
And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.
I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.
Oh... I am SOOO blessed!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
DAY 86, Post 1
Yes, I am most definitely still alive... And VERY well... Hence not writing in a week. And what I lovely week it's been!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
DAY 81, Post 2
I can't even express how overjoyed I am right now. A HUGE smile has been permanently placed on my face, and I don't see it leaving... Ever...
Over the last three months I knew there was a reason why I couldn't let go... Why I wouldn't let go... And my feelings were right.
I love being right. I love feeling it with my heart.
XOXO
Over the last three months I knew there was a reason why I couldn't let go... Why I wouldn't let go... And my feelings were right.
I love being right. I love feeling it with my heart.
XOXO
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
DAY 78, Post 2
WoW... Today marks three months since THAT day... I never knew that would be the last kiss. I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be... It. I was just SO hurt and SO angry. I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested. I still don't I suppose. I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.
Because honestly... I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last. I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car. I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him. And I don't want that day to have been... It... It was too good before then to just end like that.
It's 2am and I'm awake. And I don't want to be. I want to be asleep. But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts.
I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me. He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him. Penny's also curled up next to him. It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.
Because honestly... I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last. I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car. I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him. And I don't want that day to have been... It... It was too good before then to just end like that.
It's 2am and I'm awake. And I don't want to be. I want to be asleep. But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts.
I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me. He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him. Penny's also curled up next to him. It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
DAY 77, Post 2
I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.
I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.
This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.
Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...
"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.
"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?
"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."
The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.
This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.
Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...
"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.
"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?
"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."
The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Saturday, April 16, 2011
DAY 76, Post 2
Take me out to the ballgame! Or 30 of them?!
Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.
The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)
CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.
I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.
Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.
The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)
CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.
I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.
Friday, April 15, 2011
DAY 75, Post 3
The boys and I have watched this commercial about 10 times in the last five minutes. We missed it during the Super Bowl (not surprising, considering our bad Super Bowl experience), but we love it!
DAY 75, Post 2
Wow... I am overjoyed right now! I got the job and I start a week from Monday! Its a 50% pay increase, 40 hours a week, and a total... I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling!
On a side note... I had a first date last night. It went GREAT and I look forward to seeing him again!
On a side note... I had a first date last night. It went GREAT and I look forward to seeing him again!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
DAY 73, Post 4
I just saw him again, but that's besides the point. I am on my way home as fast as I can get there because I got a call about the job I REALLY want. They want to interview me TODAY!! Thank you, Jesus for giving me this opportunity!
By the way, he was heading back towards his house when I was walking out of the mall. I'm just happy our cars weren't at the same light together.
By the way, he was heading back towards his house when I was walking out of the mall. I'm just happy our cars weren't at the same light together.
DAY 73, Post 3
Well, this day isn't going as planned. I came out here to buy clothes and when I got to the register the money I had transferred into my account before I left home was gone. My business account is overdrawn and has been charged off and apparently they are taking funds from my other accounts to take care of my balance.
Soooo... I went to the bank across the street to get money out my checking account (I lost my debit card and ordered a new one this morning) and then drove back over to mall. I didn't park near the entrance because I was really upset and after 10 minutes I decided to get some food. Wouldn't you know, as I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, he drove by. Yea... I drive out here not intending to see him, bother him, etc. and he drives by ME. (I know it wasn't intentional.)
Unfortunately where I was planning on picking up a small lunch was in the same direction he was headed. I lost my appetite. I turned around when I got there and came back to the mall, where I am now. It didn't make me lose my appetite to see him so much as the possibility of being seen by him. I'm not here for him. And I don't want to piss him off.
So here I am, new clothes in a bag by my feet, trying to force myself to eat at this small mall Chinese restaurant that he took me to a couple times. And I'm just not hungry.
Please, God, tell me why he had to drive by then? What are you trying to tell me?
Soooo... I went to the bank across the street to get money out my checking account (I lost my debit card and ordered a new one this morning) and then drove back over to mall. I didn't park near the entrance because I was really upset and after 10 minutes I decided to get some food. Wouldn't you know, as I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, he drove by. Yea... I drive out here not intending to see him, bother him, etc. and he drives by ME. (I know it wasn't intentional.)
Unfortunately where I was planning on picking up a small lunch was in the same direction he was headed. I lost my appetite. I turned around when I got there and came back to the mall, where I am now. It didn't make me lose my appetite to see him so much as the possibility of being seen by him. I'm not here for him. And I don't want to piss him off.
So here I am, new clothes in a bag by my feet, trying to force myself to eat at this small mall Chinese restaurant that he took me to a couple times. And I'm just not hungry.
Please, God, tell me why he had to drive by then? What are you trying to tell me?
DAY 73, Post 2
It is a BEAUTIFUL day out here in Ohio. I decided to take my morning off to go shopping for an interview outfit/professional work outfit. My current work attire is jeans and a tee-shirt. I work tonight 4-11... And unfortunately tomorrow 8-4. I have an interview on Friday with an architectural placement firm, and I need something to wear that fits!
I have mixed emotions about entering the mall though. I have found Old Navy to be my favorite place to shop because the clothes fit great. But the mall, which I am sitting outside of right now, is right down the street from where he lives/lived. And although I would love to drive up the road and see if he is there, I need to... Stop. I can't make the small little drive. I need to prove to myself that I have the self-control. But its so damn hard. I guess this is when I need to pray. Jesus, please help me.
I plan on eating lunch while I am here. I brought my Bible to read while I am eating. Hopefully it will help me as well.
I have mixed emotions about entering the mall though. I have found Old Navy to be my favorite place to shop because the clothes fit great. But the mall, which I am sitting outside of right now, is right down the street from where he lives/lived. And although I would love to drive up the road and see if he is there, I need to... Stop. I can't make the small little drive. I need to prove to myself that I have the self-control. But its so damn hard. I guess this is when I need to pray. Jesus, please help me.
I plan on eating lunch while I am here. I brought my Bible to read while I am eating. Hopefully it will help me as well.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
DAY 72, Post 2
I'm having difficulty today taking my mind off him. I'm sitting in my car at Thing 1's baseball practice and I'm... Concerned. I guess while I didn't expect a response from my last email, even a short and even rude one would have let me know he's alive. No, I can't say alive and well because under his circumstances, I wouldn't expect well. But because of his circumstances, that's why I would like even a one word response. Because I am a worrier. I am concerned. And I care too much.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
DAY 71, Post 2
I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today. I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise. And it feels great.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
DAY 70, Post 2
I only have a few minutes before I need to get ready for work. Today I work 8-4. I clearly upset my General Manager yesterday when he saw the note that I had updated my availability for work. He came to ask me about not being able to work on Sundays, and I stated to him that the church has asked me to help out. While I haven't written about it on here before, the church has contacted me to assist in the Children's Ministry, particularly in the childcare rooms during services. I would be honored. But I can't (personally)commit unless I know that I will not have to work on Sundays. It would be unfair for them to count on me unless I can commit to not working on Sundays. And seeing as I had been thinking about it for some time anyway, I think it's the right thing to do. As Christians we aren't supposed to work on Sundays anyway, so what better way to "work" then to help out at my church?
I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for. While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me. And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon. I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though. Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.
While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college. I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall. Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling. The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce. And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys. NO way.
I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for. While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me. And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon. I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though. Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.
While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college. I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall. Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling. The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce. And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys. NO way.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
DAY 69, Post 2
Tonight I went to the recovery service at Ginghamsburg Church, and unlike my last experience there, tonight was VERY powerful. And I walked out feeling uplifted and with a new purpose.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
DAY 69, Post 1
Song of the Day... I accidentally shook my iPOD in the car this morning, starting the shuffle process and this song came on. I had never heard it before.
Friday, April 8, 2011
DAY 68, Post 3
I'm really beginning to resent my neighbor's car alarm. It has a double honk, and the "beep beep" gets me every time, as do the placement of their headlights. I need to find something else to focus on. Something else to distract me and put my thoughts into, as this isn't working for me.
It was a tough day at work. It was a tough day period. I entered this week feeling really optimistic about what could lie ahead, and so far I... Haven't been totally disappointed but it's not where I thought I would be this week. At all.
It was a tough day at work. It was a tough day period. I entered this week feeling really optimistic about what could lie ahead, and so far I... Haven't been totally disappointed but it's not where I thought I would be this week. At all.
DAY 68, Post 2
I feel numb. This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing. I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there. I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month. And even then I didn't really eat it. I miss bacon and egg sandwiches... Or bacon and french toast. I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
DAY 67, Post 2
I am completely exhausted, physically and just about emotionally. I worked 9-1/2 hours today, which was long, but was nice because it got me a little bit closer to having overtime this week as I was only scheduled for 7 hours. But still, working 2-1/2 hours past when I was planning becomes a little draining. Luckily, the last couple hours flew by.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
DAY 66, Post 3
I'm taking steps in the moving-forward direction this morning. Whether they be the right steps or not, I guess only time will tell.
I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy. I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider. If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life. And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die. So... I need to consider bankruptcy. I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.
Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency. They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about. Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week. So... Yay! I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car. The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures. Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.
Oh! I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget! It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month. The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job. I have so much to be grateful for though. One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children. I can't imagine being under that type of stress. Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc. It's hard enough with just my two boys! She is married though, but still... If he's making the same as us... It's got to be REALLY hard!
I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy. I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider. If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life. And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die. So... I need to consider bankruptcy. I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.
Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency. They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about. Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week. So... Yay! I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car. The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures. Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.
Oh! I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget! It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month. The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job. I have so much to be grateful for though. One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children. I can't imagine being under that type of stress. Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc. It's hard enough with just my two boys! She is married though, but still... If he's making the same as us... It's got to be REALLY hard!
DAY 66, Post 2
My neighbors two doors down have two birdhouses in their backyard. Nestled in the trees, I've enjoyed watching the variety of birds that frequently visit them. I'm not a bird watcher, but so far I think I've identifies cardinals, robins, blue jays and possibly doves.
This morning, watching them hop around and eat their food, I have to wonder what type of worries birds have. Sure, they think to gather their food, protect their young, build their nests and stay out of inclement weather. But what else does a bird worry about?
And now it occurs to me. The worries of a bird are not so different from a single-mom. I need to protect my boys, and provide them food and a safe shelter. But if I'm focusing on these tasks, what else do I really need to worry about? Won't the rest basically take care of itself?
This morning, watching them hop around and eat their food, I have to wonder what type of worries birds have. Sure, they think to gather their food, protect their young, build their nests and stay out of inclement weather. But what else does a bird worry about?
And now it occurs to me. The worries of a bird are not so different from a single-mom. I need to protect my boys, and provide them food and a safe shelter. But if I'm focusing on these tasks, what else do I really need to worry about? Won't the rest basically take care of itself?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DAY 65, Post 4
I want to put a HUGE thank you out there to my sweetie-pie Thing 2. He totally made my night by having a dance party in the living room with me. We danced to "Try a Little Tenderness", and let me tell you... I could feel it in my belly when we were through! Now I know how I'm going to get rid of the belly fat that doesn't want to go away, despite the weight loss.
The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at. And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices. I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.
Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking... Now what? What do I put my efforts in to now? I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was. I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face. Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me. And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has. So... HA!
But really... What now? Where do I concentrate my efforts? I am thinking job searching would be a good route. And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters. The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject. While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt. I got myself into this mess. To me, I really should try to get myself out of it. Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation. I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.
Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life. And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people. An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about. I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling. I REALLY want to help people. But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while... At least a few months if not a year. Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.
The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at. And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices. I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.
Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking... Now what? What do I put my efforts in to now? I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was. I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face. Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me. And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has. So... HA!
But really... What now? Where do I concentrate my efforts? I am thinking job searching would be a good route. And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters. The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject. While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt. I got myself into this mess. To me, I really should try to get myself out of it. Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation. I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.
Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life. And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people. An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about. I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling. I REALLY want to help people. But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while... At least a few months if not a year. Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.
DAY 65, Post 3
Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
DAY 65, Post 2
Well, today could be the day! And although I'm overwhelmingly excited about that possibility, I'm starting to feel very nervous. Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.
I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there. And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close. The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore. It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys. I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me. OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us. And he watches my every move.
I started my own personal counseling this morning. It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it. So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists. The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me. I need to be pushed. I need to be challenged. And I hope to get this from her.
I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday. It had me at 141 pounds. Yikes. Or Yay? I don't really know what to think. The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds. I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college. And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes. My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore. Who would've known that boobs would shrink?
I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there. And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close. The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore. It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys. I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me. OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us. And he watches my every move.
I started my own personal counseling this morning. It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it. So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists. The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me. I need to be pushed. I need to be challenged. And I hope to get this from her.
I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday. It had me at 141 pounds. Yikes. Or Yay? I don't really know what to think. The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds. I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college. And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes. My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore. Who would've known that boobs would shrink?
Monday, April 4, 2011
DAY 64, Post 3
Like the rest of this year, today was a truly cleansing day. Not only did I clean up the apartment, but I also cleaned up my life a bit. And no, I didn't let go of that biggest lingering thought in my life. But, I did let go, in a way of another.
It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life. I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were. And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying. I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend.
Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today. I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring. Poor puppy was soaking wet. It's funny... Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.
It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life. I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were. And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying. I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend.
Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today. I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring. Poor puppy was soaking wet. It's funny... Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.
DAY 64, Post 2
I tend to clean the most when I'm upset about something. But I'm not upset today. (Yay!) So, I'm having to play games with myself to clean the disorganization that seems to reign in this house. What am I doing?
Cleaning out my DVR and my apartment!
Right now I'm working through two weeks of episodes of The Office (syndicated and new). Every other episode I clean. During the alternate episodes, I clean during the commercials. So far it's working! A big pile of papers I had next to my desk has now been filed, and there is a load of laundry in the washing machine.
I wish I was a naturally organized person, but I'm not. So in the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on, playing games to keep the apartment clean.
Cleaning out my DVR and my apartment!
Right now I'm working through two weeks of episodes of The Office (syndicated and new). Every other episode I clean. During the alternate episodes, I clean during the commercials. So far it's working! A big pile of papers I had next to my desk has now been filed, and there is a load of laundry in the washing machine.
I wish I was a naturally organized person, but I'm not. So in the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on, playing games to keep the apartment clean.
DAY 64, Post 1
Another Song of the Day thanks to the tunes that play at work while we're setting up for the day...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
DAY 63, Post 6
No, apparently I can't post enough today. But at least I'm keeping myself occupied, right?
Tonight the boys and I made cookies. Actually, the boys made them mostly on their own, with my supervision. Thing 1 read the recipe with only minimal help from me (he even knew TSP meant teaspoon!) and each of the boys cracked their own egg. I'm quite proud of the job they did!
Tonight the boys and I made cookies. Actually, the boys made them mostly on their own, with my supervision. Thing 1 read the recipe with only minimal help from me (he even knew TSP meant teaspoon!) and each of the boys cracked their own egg. I'm quite proud of the job they did!
DAY 63, Post 5
During all my time outside today, I couldn't help but think more about how much I would LOVE a hammock on my back patio. Do I have money for it? No. Should I spend any of the (hopeful) divorce settlement money on a hammock? No, probably not. But darn, I would love one.
So I decided to look and see how much a hammock would cost me, and here's one that I found and really liked...
So I decided to look and see how much a hammock would cost me, and here's one that I found and really liked...
DAY 63, Post 4
Ahhh... I can't be sure what it is exactly but I'm sitting outside on this beautiful Ohio night we're having, and I swear I smell Axe. And I'm talking about Axe cologne and mens body products, a scent I am EXTREMELY fond of.
I miss the bottles of Axe body wash and shampoo in my shower. I miss the scent of Axe left on my pillow, just so I could smell him when he was gone for a couple days. I miss the criss-cross motion he would use to spray himself with his cologne. I miss how he would ALWAYS smell good... Even his feet (Not that I can say I purposely smelled them... But the fact that I couldn't when I wasn't trying was definitely a plus.)
I have to admit, I've walked the deodorant aisle at Kroger, smelling the various Axes trying to find his. But... There must have been something about the way it mixed with him that made it just right, because no scent I've smelled in the store matches up. And that's probably good, because I would've spent the money to buy it if I could've found it.
Ahhh... One more deep breathe and then I have to go back inside. Breathe in... Breathe out... Back to reality.
I miss the bottles of Axe body wash and shampoo in my shower. I miss the scent of Axe left on my pillow, just so I could smell him when he was gone for a couple days. I miss the criss-cross motion he would use to spray himself with his cologne. I miss how he would ALWAYS smell good... Even his feet (Not that I can say I purposely smelled them... But the fact that I couldn't when I wasn't trying was definitely a plus.)
I have to admit, I've walked the deodorant aisle at Kroger, smelling the various Axes trying to find his. But... There must have been something about the way it mixed with him that made it just right, because no scent I've smelled in the store matches up. And that's probably good, because I would've spent the money to buy it if I could've found it.
Ahhh... One more deep breathe and then I have to go back inside. Breathe in... Breathe out... Back to reality.
DAY 63, Post 3
Church was amazing this morning. Pastor Mike spoke a lot about forgiveness and said a few things that really spoke to me.
"Mercy is grace for the undeserved."
"Forgiveness isn't just for the offender but also for the one who was offended."
"The wise forgive but don't forget."
"Don't be a grace abuser."
"Divorce is sometimes the lesser of two mistakes."
No, I don't remember all of these things by myself when I leave church, but I take notes in the back of my Bible during the service. And I'm so glad I do. At first I worried that writing and highlighting in my Bible was sacreligious, but I've realized that how else am I going to remember the lessons and thoughts that really touched me?
A specific Bible verse also touched me...
"Let any one of you who is without a sin be the first to throw a stone at her."
John 8:7
Like my scoffer last night, how often are we ready to cast judgement on someone else, when we ourselves have committed wrongs in our own lives? And how fair is that?
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself..."
Romans 2:1
I left church feeling total forgiveness for all wrongs committed against me. And I mean ALL wrongs. And I can't tell you how much more uplifted I feel. To not feel anger or hatred is a marvelous thing. I hope that someday all the offenders, and anyone else as well, will be able to feel such forgiveness towards me.
For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
DAY 63, Post 2
The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
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