Keep on Keeping On

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.

Keep on seeking, and you will find.

Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

~Matthew 7:7

How can I say it any better than that?  My life feels like a roller coaster sometimes, with unimaginably awesome ascents and unforgiving descents.  When I remember to put faith in my Faith, however, my life plateaus for a bit, and more often or not the plateau is on an up, not on a down.

Last night was filled with all kinds of rushes in good ways.  Here are a few highlights:

• Thing 1 and Thing 2 came home after spending the last 5 nights with their dad.
• Thing 1 presented Dave with an awesome picture he drew, with the caption "The Best Dad Award"
• I did my taxes last night, and forecasted Dave's.  The good news...  Actually, GREAT news is that money is on it's way!
• My fingers were ready for knitting last night.  I divided my dress for the front and back over the weekend, and last night I started the neck and shoulder shaping, including binding off the neckline stitches.  I'm thinking I'll be able to finish at least the left shoulder tonight!

I hope you and your loved ones are either on the ascent or on a plateau at the top!  XO

The Year of Ketchup

While preparing to compose today's post, I realized my previous method of naming my posts, by day number counting from the beginning of the post, doesn't really do my blog justice.  So much has happened since I began writing the blog that I could have essentially started back at Day 1 any number of times.  So from here on out I will be trying to name my posts in some sort of creatively relevant manner.

Last night was my second knit in a row of not working on knitting my wedding dress.  I had every intention of working on it, however the pattern with all my notes has temporarily made itself scarce.  I'm going to find it, I know I am, however the break from knitting has given me some time to...  NOT think.  Don't get me wrong...  I LOVE to knit.  And even more, I love to be knitting my wedding dress.  However sometimes my mind just gets going to fast that even concentrating on my pattern can't keep my mind under control.  My thoughts while knitting tend to be focused on money, the wedding (obviously) and a whole lot of randomness, but at times all the thoughts blur together and make me feel anxious.  And with all the good in my life, I don't like to feel anxious.

So last night I spent my time playing on my Kindle Fire, Dave's first big surprise for me over the Christmas/New Year's holiday.  Words With Friends has become an addiction, however last night I was sucked into Sim City.  I remember being in high school, spending weekends at my Dad's and staying up until all hours playing it.  Now that I think about it, even back then it gave me the same escape from reality then as it does now.

Last night's game was going extremely well until my city grew so big that I actually started LOSING money.  And that leads me to my thought of the morning.  How many times can our hopes and dreams become SO large that they actually case us to implode onto ourselves?  We let ourselves take on so much that by the time we realize we're overburdened, we're already caving in under the pressure?

So I realize today, that like Sim City, it is necessary to take life one step at a time.  Last night I found myself building too much of one zone, only to lose money and have them remain empty.  This is like life, only people put eggs into too many baskets and fail to succeed or make an omelette out of any of them.

Dave and I have decided that 2012 is the year of Catch-Up.  (Everytime I say this I want to say Ketchup, with my boys in mind).  But, Suze Orman would probably agree that it's impossible to catch up if you're trying to tackle it all at the same time.  Tackle one at a time and you'll get them all worked out eventually.  Try to handle them all at once and you'll be where you started, with nothing done and nothing more to show for all your stress and efforts.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  ~Matthew 6:34

DAY 355

Today is going much better that yesterday.  I feel like I can breathe and am in more control of what's going on in my life.  Yes, there are still things I want (and have no control over), like making more money, but as long as we have a roof over our head and food in the cabinets I can handle the rest.  And what I don't feel like I can handle, I can pray for.

Day 351

I've been wanting to write so badly for the last couple of weeks, however I wanted to wait to share the incredible news I have...

Dave and I are engaged!

Throughout each day, every day, I never cease to be astounded by the changes and experiences I have had over the past year.  And now I have gone back around full circle to where I wanted to be when I started this blog nearly a year ago.

Now I am in the process of knitting my wedding dress for the small ceremony, which we will be having in March with immediate family.  Here's where I am right now...

I'm only about 15 inches (of 41) through, but I hope it will speed up a little now that I am starting to decrease.  It's worked from the bottom up in a feather and fan pattern.  All I can REALLY hope is that it fits when it is finished.

Day 323

I've come to the realization that I do NOT like slow days at work. While some people may enjoy the fact that they can theoretically do what they want, I find my eyes wanting to close, and myself endlessly daydreaming about what I'd rather be doing. I like being busy. No, I don't like getting down to the wire with tasks that need to be done, but I really enjoy having a stream of projects to work on.

The boys have been with their dad since Wednesday and do not come home to Dave and I until Christmas Day (Sunday) at 3pm. I miss them. We enjoy the quiet, don't get me wrong, however... After a day or so it's almost too quiet.

Dave can't wait to give me my Christmas presents, and I can't wait to see Dave and the boys open theirs. The materialistic aura around Christmas continues to trouble me, however I love to give. Honestly, I have everything I could possibly want. If there were no presents under the tree for me, I would be perfectly ok with that.

Alright, I am going to move on to pretending I'm working on something else...  In all reality, I'm probably listening to Tony Robbins and trying to develop a way to become financially successful.  :-)

Day 310

I'm out of the office on lunch and it occurred to me that I haven't updated the blog lately.


My silence has been the result of extreme happiness and hard work. Dave, the boys and I are all happy and healthy, and we are gearing up for Christmas. I've been trying to impress upon the boys this Christmas season what the true meaning of the holiday is. It's not about what we get, but about what we have and why we have it.


But I won't deny that's difficult. With a six-year-old (and nine-year-old) in the house, visions of Santa with a bag of presents are very prominent.


We have made K-Love, a national Christian radio station, a fixture in our lives, and I heard on it yesterday that the average PERSON (not couple, family, etc.) spends $700/year on Christmas presents.  I let out an audible "phooooooo."  $700/year...  That's essentially rent for a month for us.  So here I am trying to figure out how to make Christmas great on maybe $300, and I hear that the average person spends $700.  So if you're reading this, I challenge you to remember what Christmas is really about, and try to focus on that instead.


Dave asked me over the weekend what I want for Christmas and my response (after telling him - him), was a new coffee cup.  Yes, that's all I want.  A new travel mug that doesn't leak when I try to take a sip out of it.  But I guess I never cease to surprise him.  I know he knows I'm not materialistic, but at the time of the year when most people send out mile long Christmas-lists with hundreds of dollars of ideas that they'll probably never use, I choose to be real.  And even when I stretch my brain, I can't think of anything else I want for Christmas.


We found a new church in August that we've been attending, Grace Baptist, and we love how their focus in not on what the church needs financially, but when they do talk about money, it's about how we can help the missionaries or other organizations that need money.  Our family decided to help out Operation Christmas Child (I think that's what it's called), after we heard about what children on the other side of the world have to do without.  While I was able to buy my boys each a 24-box of Crayons for $.50, on the other side of the globe, children go without because crayons cost $5.00... and the average monthly income is $2.00.  Children in Africa need to follow a food truck once a week in order to get fed, and because they lack bowls or cups, they drop the hot oatmeal (or whatever they're served) out of their hands and onto the road...  And they end up eating it off the road.


So how can I ask for anything more than a coffee cup, when there are children living like this?

Day 221, Post 1

Wow, I can hardly believe it's been well over a month since I posted last.  Yes, I'm alive and VERY well, as are the boys and Dave.  We've been through some changes, however they appear to all be for the better and for that I'm very grateful.

Dave started a new job at the end of August which he really seems to enjoy.  While it's not physically exhausting, it challenges him mentally and keeps him interested.  It's further than his previous (still my current) 1/4 mile commute, but the roads are good and they will be well plowed in the winter. 

Thing 2 started Kindergarten and Thing 1 Third Grade several weeks ago.  Both are enjoying school very much, and are keeping themselves out of trouble.  Better yet, both are making friends in our neighborhood and enjoying playing outside.  Numerous Nerf battles have taken place, and the boys come home caked in mud but they LOVE it.  And I love seeing them happy.

We've started attending a new church, after our old church became too focused on money for our preferences.  And we really like it.  On the first day we attended, the door attendant recognized we were new and introduced himself, and the family sitting in front of us turned around and introduced themselves.  And better yet, I know people who go there.  Dave doesn't know them really, but he will.  I feel like, and I believe Dave does as well, that we've finally found a home church.  And it's a wonderful feeling.

And a more wonderful feeling is just being happy.  EXTREMELY happy.  No matter what happens in my day, in our day, I know/we know we can handle it.  And that feeling alone is amazing.

DAY 179, Post 1

It's amazing how after years of wanting little things and never getting them and eventually giving up, that I realize I'm now getting those things.  And those little things all add up to a big, remarkable, wonderful happiness.

Every day before and after work the simple act of a hug and kiss from or to Dave just makes the day better.  And the texts during the day to see how each other is doing reminds us how much we care about each other.  The zzzziinnnggg that my phone makes when a text message from him comes in makes me smile and my heart warm every time I hear it.

I am not a materialistic person by any means, but on the flip side, I, like Dave, like to spoil our loved ones.  Even if it's just by buying each others' favorite candy while we're at the gas station, we just let each other know that they are never far from our thoughts.  I don't need or want flowers, jewelry or expensive gifts.  It's like Kenny Rogers sang...

Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open the door for me for me, what would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things
That mean the most in my life

...  And I have the little things that mean the most in my life.

XOXOXO

Day 170, Post 1

I'll start with a little bit about optimism and keeping a positive attitude.  This weekend was hindered by a dark cloud that I won't really get into, however I'm amazed by the positive attitude that some can keep, despite the rolling thunderstorms that seem to pop up on a random, unpredictable schedule.  While some people in my life have an amazing (and to me un-admirable) ability to pick out all that doesn't work in their lives, those that pick out the good when the thunderstorms roll in have my support through anything.  I certainly don't want or intend to be a fair weather friend, however those who can keep their chins up and keep smiling give me so much more hope about my own abilities to work through the storms in my life.  So keep it, lovely.  Keep smiling.  Keep laughing.  I love you and I'll be there for you through it all.

Moving on...

Being in love, and I mean REALLY in love, has made me feel almost bad for laughing...  er, scoffing... at lines in movies when the actors said how love felt.  Take Sleepless in Seattle for example.  Tom Hanks' character says that when he and his deceased wife would touch it would feel like *magic*.  I remember rolling my eyes at this line numerous times.  "Yea, right." I would think.  Love can't possibly feel like that.  But folks, it does.  And I'm in awe to actually be able to experience it for myself.  I never imagined being with someone who would give me butterflies anytime I thought of him, and even more so whenever I see him.  Someone who makes my arm tingle when he touches it, and makes me feel beautiful..  all the time...

I hope you all can feel this type of love someday if you don't already have it.  To me, being able to give you this would be the best gift possible.  Unfortunately I don't fly around in a diaper with wings on my back and a bow and arrow in my hand.  But if I see cupid and know you're looking I'll send him your way.

DAY 163, Post 1

It never ceases to amaze me how completely miserable some people are willing to be 24/7.  Whether they be friends, family, exes or co-workers, I just want to smack them into a state of contented bliss.  Even during my lowest times, I did not allow myself to walk around in a state where I allowed myself to be a bitch to everyone around me.

The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him.  I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it.  DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house.  To me, this is not acceptable.  When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand.  They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle.  We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys.  But for him, that is not possible.

Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails.  To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago.  My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate. 

Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman.  The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her.  And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life.  Well, except with DH.  Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.

Day 148, Post 1

I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.

Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.

The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.

Day 135, Post 1

Dave so greatly reminded me today that sometimes things get worse before they get better. And I needed that reminded, especially when financially things got worse today on the brink of getting better.

Ill admit, I've been playing roulette for the past couple of months in regards to what bill(s) had to be paid and which could wait. And today the gas company caught up to me. But as pissed as I am (at myself and my lack of funds), I have to remind myself of all the positives. 1) its not winter and we don't need heat 2) Dave and I both now have GOOD jobs and this is the last month of this poorness 3) the electricity is still on 4) the rent is paid.

So, now comes the struggle of figuring out how and when to get the gas turned back on. I HATE asking for help. And while you may wonder why Dave isn't paying it, ill tell you he would x's 5 if he could. But his job just started last week, and after 2 months of being unemployed, you can imagine what his bank account looks like. Sadly, mine isn't any better.

But as Monty Python sang...

Always look on the bright side of life!

I'll suck it up and ask for help one last time, knowing that next month we'll be on the up and up... Or at least our bank accounts will be. Dave, the boys and I are already well on the up and up. And it just hit me that despite the financial stresses, I really couldn't be happier. And that feels better than words can express.

DAY 113, Post 1

When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends.  Well, let me revise that.  I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.

But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend.  And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so.  This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could...  Just because...

Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.

I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later...  Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park.  I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there.  The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers.  It was amazing!  Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play.  Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face!  Luckily he got the ball with his glove.  Unfortunately, he dropped it.  But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously!  And yesterday...

Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany.  Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months.  After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet.  The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time.  As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be.  :-)

Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!

DAY 102, Post 2

I can feel my belly growing...  The delicacies prepared by Dave in the kitchen and on the grill are already impacting my weight.  I can feel it.  And it's funny...  I know it's happening because a dress I bought two weeks ago (and am wearing for the first time today) doesn't fit as well around the boobs as it did before.  No, I'm not pregnant.  BUT, I did notice that when I lost weight I lost it in my boobs.  Hmmm...

Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill.  I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria.  The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.

Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers.  The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha.  It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him. 

Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy.  Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma.  I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit.  I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools.  If I could buy him one of everything, I would.

I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves.  Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear.  Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home.  Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car.  It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face.  Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.

I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad.  I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die?  Am I in heaven?"  I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring.  Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!

DAY 86, Post 1

Yes, I am most definitely still alive...  And VERY well...  Hence not writing in a week.  And what I lovely week it's been!

DAY 81, Post 2

I can't even express how overjoyed I am right now. A HUGE smile has been permanently placed on my face, and I don't see it leaving... Ever...

Over the last three months I knew there was a reason why I couldn't let go... Why I wouldn't let go... And my feelings were right.

I love being right. I love feeling it with my heart.

XOXO

DAY 75, Post 2

Wow... I am overjoyed right now! I got the job and I start a week from Monday! Its a 50% pay increase, 40 hours a week, and a total... I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling!

On a side note... I had a first date last night. It went GREAT and I look forward to seeing him again!

DAY 71, Post 2

I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today.  I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise.  And it feels great.

It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.

It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.

It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.

It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over.  It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm...  Stopping.  Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him.  Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him.  But stopping means I'm going to stop trying.  I'm going to stop worrying about him.  And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me).  And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response...  Perhaps ever...  But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.

It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.

But...  I feel like I'm moving forward.

DAY 65, Post 3

Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.

CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.

I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.

DAY 64, Post 3

Like the rest of this year, today was a truly cleansing day.  Not only did I clean up the apartment, but I also cleaned up my life a bit.  And no, I didn't let go of that biggest lingering thought in my life.  But, I did let go, in a way of another.

It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life.  I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were.  And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying.  I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend. 

Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today.  I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring.  Poor puppy was soaking wet.  It's funny...  Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.