Day 323

I've come to the realization that I do NOT like slow days at work. While some people may enjoy the fact that they can theoretically do what they want, I find my eyes wanting to close, and myself endlessly daydreaming about what I'd rather be doing. I like being busy. No, I don't like getting down to the wire with tasks that need to be done, but I really enjoy having a stream of projects to work on.

The boys have been with their dad since Wednesday and do not come home to Dave and I until Christmas Day (Sunday) at 3pm. I miss them. We enjoy the quiet, don't get me wrong, however... After a day or so it's almost too quiet.

Dave can't wait to give me my Christmas presents, and I can't wait to see Dave and the boys open theirs. The materialistic aura around Christmas continues to trouble me, however I love to give. Honestly, I have everything I could possibly want. If there were no presents under the tree for me, I would be perfectly ok with that.

Alright, I am going to move on to pretending I'm working on something else...  In all reality, I'm probably listening to Tony Robbins and trying to develop a way to become financially successful.  :-)

DAY 71, Post 2

I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today.  I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise.  And it feels great.

It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.

It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.

It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.

It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over.  It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm...  Stopping.  Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him.  Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him.  But stopping means I'm going to stop trying.  I'm going to stop worrying about him.  And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me).  And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response...  Perhaps ever...  But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.

It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.

But...  I feel like I'm moving forward.

DAY 39, Post 3

I just found this Bible verse about honesty...

Luke 16:10
Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

How true...

DAY 38, Post 2

So, for the time being, my blog is private.  A LOT has happened in the past week, and after a stint in the hospital yesterday I realized with no uncertainty that I have NOT been focused on what I needed to be focused on, especially my health.

I'm down to 148 pounds now, not a place I should have gotten to the way I did.  Lack of eating and way too much worrying about things and people I couldn't help.  After throwing up, starting to shake and nearly passing out at work, I went to the hospital where the doctor told me there is a bad virus going through town.  But come on.  I know more than she does.  I NEED to be taking care of me.  Now's the time (not that it wasn't three months or 32 years ago) to be honest with myself...  And others...

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not going to hurt people with my honesty.  But I have to enter this next part of my life doing what I know to be the right thing to do.  Right morally, right ethically, and right personally for me and my boys.

Tonight I am having dinner with JTS, my neighbor (will you give me permission to use your first name?  Haha), and then I hope to go to Ash Wednesday service at Ginghamsburg.  I've spent a lot of time in the last two days praying.  Praying for God to give me strength and guide me into a better tomorrow.  I know there's something better in store for me, but I wish I knew what it was and what all I'm doing now is preparing me for.  Patience is a virtue though, and I suppose I need to hold my horses.

I need to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped me for the past two days, both emotionally and physically.  YOU are my rock.