All You Need Is Love... And Faith

Today I breathe easier.  And I must say that I wrote that first sentence hours ago.  But now, I breathe a LOT easier.

Putting our trust in God showed us in the last 24 hours how he WILL provide what we need.  And it re-affirms how I need to be more faithful and less stressed on a daily basis, and with whatever this world throws at me.  When the world throws poop at us, God will help us wash it off.

For me, it meant a little bit of compassion and assistance from DH.  He is helping with daycare costs a little bit more until my tax return comes. 

For Dave, it means a new job. 

And for us, it means that we have decided not to proceed with a big wedding with all the festivities next year.  We realized while talking last night that we were each planning the big ceremony for the other person, but in all actuality, all we need individually is the small ceremony we're having this year.  We'll have each other and our immediate family.  THAT is what is most important.  NOT spending thousands of dollars on a party.

And with that last part said, I need to resurrect the "Song of the Day."

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I started this post yesterday...

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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.

The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests.  While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise.  My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of.  Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them.  The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.

While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous.  In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."

What's next? 

That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...

What's going to burden my life next?  What's going to make my life better next?  How do I take care of this medical issue?  In general...  What's next?

I can only answer the 3rd of these questions.  On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix.  In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives.  1.  These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous.  2.  This will not affect my ability to have children.  3.  Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.

Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry.  Scared that this won't be the end of it.  Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous.  Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened.  Scared that I won't see my boys grow up.  Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave.  Scared in general...

But I have to interupt those thoughts.  Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns.  So I turn to God.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
   they walk and don't lag behind.

Every Inch of Life...

More nights than not I can be found on my side of the couch, with Penny (the dog) in my lap, knitting.  Dave will be on the other side of the couch, his PS3 controller in his hands, playing the game of the moment.  Right now it's Skyrim.  We'll both have our legs stretched out down the couch, intertwined with each other, and we'll both look up occasionally to find the other one staring at us.  It's not a bad stare.  It's a fascinating, "I love that person, no matter what s/he is doing" stare.  Now that the wedding dress is getting longer, Dave has been picking it up, feeling it, and rubbing his face on it because it smells like me.  I think it's sweet.  Last night, however, he said something that really struck me.  He said, "You know, you have touched EVERY inch of this dress." 

Yea, I have.

While I'm not saying that a store-bought wedding dress doesn't mean as much as the one I'm knitting, and I'm not saying that I'm not going to buy one for the big wedding/reception next year, however I AM just really (don't know what word I want) that I have touched every 1/4 inch of this dress!  It makes it SO personal!

I can't say that I have touched as much of any other aspect of my life as I have my dress.  I've been reviewing my finances on a nearly-daily basis since last May, however I can't say I'm touching every piece of my finances when I can't afford to pay all my bills.  And by discussing my dress, I realize I need to be just as involved in my boys' lives as I am in the construction of this dress.  Am I a good mom (in my opinion)?  Yes, I believe I'm a GREAT mom.  However there are always ways a parent can improve.  And I'm going to find them.  And the same goes for being a mate for Dave. 

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Later...  I need a nap.  And I need to be at home.  The work week needs to end...  Fast...

Day 351

I've been wanting to write so badly for the last couple of weeks, however I wanted to wait to share the incredible news I have...

Dave and I are engaged!

Throughout each day, every day, I never cease to be astounded by the changes and experiences I have had over the past year.  And now I have gone back around full circle to where I wanted to be when I started this blog nearly a year ago.

Now I am in the process of knitting my wedding dress for the small ceremony, which we will be having in March with immediate family.  Here's where I am right now...

I'm only about 15 inches (of 41) through, but I hope it will speed up a little now that I am starting to decrease.  It's worked from the bottom up in a feather and fan pattern.  All I can REALLY hope is that it fits when it is finished.

DAY 179, Post 1

It's amazing how after years of wanting little things and never getting them and eventually giving up, that I realize I'm now getting those things.  And those little things all add up to a big, remarkable, wonderful happiness.

Every day before and after work the simple act of a hug and kiss from or to Dave just makes the day better.  And the texts during the day to see how each other is doing reminds us how much we care about each other.  The zzzziinnnggg that my phone makes when a text message from him comes in makes me smile and my heart warm every time I hear it.

I am not a materialistic person by any means, but on the flip side, I, like Dave, like to spoil our loved ones.  Even if it's just by buying each others' favorite candy while we're at the gas station, we just let each other know that they are never far from our thoughts.  I don't need or want flowers, jewelry or expensive gifts.  It's like Kenny Rogers sang...

Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open the door for me for me, what would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things
That mean the most in my life

...  And I have the little things that mean the most in my life.

XOXOXO

Day 170, Post 1

I'll start with a little bit about optimism and keeping a positive attitude.  This weekend was hindered by a dark cloud that I won't really get into, however I'm amazed by the positive attitude that some can keep, despite the rolling thunderstorms that seem to pop up on a random, unpredictable schedule.  While some people in my life have an amazing (and to me un-admirable) ability to pick out all that doesn't work in their lives, those that pick out the good when the thunderstorms roll in have my support through anything.  I certainly don't want or intend to be a fair weather friend, however those who can keep their chins up and keep smiling give me so much more hope about my own abilities to work through the storms in my life.  So keep it, lovely.  Keep smiling.  Keep laughing.  I love you and I'll be there for you through it all.

Moving on...

Being in love, and I mean REALLY in love, has made me feel almost bad for laughing...  er, scoffing... at lines in movies when the actors said how love felt.  Take Sleepless in Seattle for example.  Tom Hanks' character says that when he and his deceased wife would touch it would feel like *magic*.  I remember rolling my eyes at this line numerous times.  "Yea, right." I would think.  Love can't possibly feel like that.  But folks, it does.  And I'm in awe to actually be able to experience it for myself.  I never imagined being with someone who would give me butterflies anytime I thought of him, and even more so whenever I see him.  Someone who makes my arm tingle when he touches it, and makes me feel beautiful..  all the time...

I hope you all can feel this type of love someday if you don't already have it.  To me, being able to give you this would be the best gift possible.  Unfortunately I don't fly around in a diaper with wings on my back and a bow and arrow in my hand.  But if I see cupid and know you're looking I'll send him your way.

Day 158, Post 1

Today's Song of the Day...  Going out to Dave.  XOXOXO...

DAY 113, Post 1

When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends.  Well, let me revise that.  I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.

But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend.  And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so.  This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could...  Just because...

Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.

I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later...  Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park.  I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there.  The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers.  It was amazing!  Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play.  Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face!  Luckily he got the ball with his glove.  Unfortunately, he dropped it.  But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously!  And yesterday...

Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany.  Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months.  After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet.  The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time.  As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be.  :-)

Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!

Day 102, Post 3

Today's addition (my first installment) to those corny "Love Is" books...

Love is being able to find the same cloud shapes when looking at the sky... Especially when they're an obscure object few other people would recognize. Tonight's object: a Naga from WoW. :-). XOXOXO.

DAY 102, Post 2

I can feel my belly growing...  The delicacies prepared by Dave in the kitchen and on the grill are already impacting my weight.  I can feel it.  And it's funny...  I know it's happening because a dress I bought two weeks ago (and am wearing for the first time today) doesn't fit as well around the boobs as it did before.  No, I'm not pregnant.  BUT, I did notice that when I lost weight I lost it in my boobs.  Hmmm...

Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill.  I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria.  The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.

Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers.  The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha.  It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him. 

Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy.  Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma.  I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit.  I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools.  If I could buy him one of everything, I would.

I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves.  Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear.  Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home.  Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car.  It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face.  Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.

I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad.  I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die?  Am I in heaven?"  I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring.  Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!

DAY 101, Post 1

I love my new job.  LOVE it.  But the hours between 2 and 4pm seem to drag unmercilessly.  And even worse are the days (like today) when I have eaten a big lunch and my eyes just want to keep crossing.  Today the Mountain Dew and coffee don't seem to be helping either.  So...  I blog.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be doing this from work, but I have a dilemma as far as work is concerned.  I'm GREAT at my job.  And I'm quick to get my work done, which leaves me with a void in my To-Do pile.  Currently I have work to do, however I'm waiting for responses from my co-workers before I can continue on any of it.  And I've already cleaned my desk, including spraying it with cleaner, and my e-mail inbox.  And I've started on a Power Point presentation for the weekly Monday Morning meeting, even though my pre-decessors didn't normally work on it until Friday.  But, yes...  I get satisfaction out of surprising people with the news that my work is already finished...  Correctly...  And ahead of schedule.

Yesterday Dave and I bought a grill and last night he made DELICIOUS beef ribs for dinner.  I've never had beef ribs before, and even Mr. Picky Eater Thing 2 loved them!  I have to say however, that I had absolutely no clue how much buying a Propane tank cost!  Speedway charged over $50 for the tank (because we needed to buy a new tank, not just exchange an empty for a filled), but on a positive note, they give 1000 speedway points with a tank purchase.  Now if I only knew how to cash in Speedway points...  Hmmm...

Tonight is the first of our two much appreciated (regular) nights off from the boys of the week.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my boys.  However, the quiet in the house for those two nights is...  Welcomed with open arms...  And I will say that I know I like it even more because I know their dad won't be calling to talk to them, even though he already saw them earlier in the day.  Perhaps I'll come across as uncaring, but on the nights when he has them, I try to give him HIS time with them without interuptions from me.  But he doesn't look at it that way.  And I feel he intrudes on my time with the boys.  And unfortunately for the boys (and him I guess), they don't want to talk to him when he calls.  But he gives attitude to me and them if they don't talk to him, so I am forced to give them no option but to talk to him.  And that sucks.

Alright..  Back to work.

DAY 88, Post 1

Alrighty then! It's time I fill you in on all the greatness in my life in the last week!

I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...

I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.

But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!

The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...

There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.

To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.

And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.

I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.

Oh... I am SOOO blessed!

DAY 81, Post 2

I can't even express how overjoyed I am right now. A HUGE smile has been permanently placed on my face, and I don't see it leaving... Ever...

Over the last three months I knew there was a reason why I couldn't let go... Why I wouldn't let go... And my feelings were right.

I love being right. I love feeling it with my heart.

XOXO

DAY 79, Post 1

Today's Song of the Day...

DAY 78, Post 2

WoW...  Today marks three months since THAT day...  I never knew that would be the last kiss.  I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be...  It.  I was just SO hurt and SO angry.  I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested.  I still don't I suppose.  I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.

Because honestly...  I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last.  I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car.  I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him.  And I don't want that day to have been...  It...  It was too good before then to just end like that.

It's 2am and I'm awake.  And I don't want to be.  I want to be asleep.  But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts. 

I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me.  He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him.  Penny's also curled up next to him.  It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.

DAY 78, Post 1

Today's Song of the Day...

DAY 76, Post 1

Song of the Day...

DAY 74, Post 1

Today's Song of the Day...

DAY 73, Post 1

Today's Song of the Day...

DAY 72, Post 1

Song of the Day...