DAY 29, Post 4

The Cross County Care Package was mailed today.  It will be there tomorrow.  I'm taking a deep breath and hoping it doesn't get a "oh f***" response from him.  I will continue to send them though.  The front of the sweater is almost completed, but he'll be getting a sleeve, the hoodie and front pocket before he gets the front or green sleeve.  I would hope that all the pieces would be reunited with both of us present, not just in one package or another.  A girl can hope, can't she?

I got my hours for work today and they are a little bit...  Depressing...  14 hours this week.  I had today off, have Wednesday (my birthday!) and Thursday off, and then don't work Saturday or Sunday because it's my weekend with the boys.  I'm really looking forward to going to church on Sunday though.  I just wish I didn't have to feel bad when the tithe basket goes by without a contribution from me.  It's amazing how much I can count every penny when I've been HORRIBLE about money in the past.

I think about all the things I want to do with my paychecks and child support (when it starts coming in), however I look at the little sign I put on my monitor and refocus...

Yes, there is the exception of CL-WoW.  However he's the only exception for the time being.  And I wouldn't so much call him a focus as a...  Distraction.  Little things keep reminding me of him and don't allow him to get out of my head.  So, I'll take that as a sign (yes, I believe in signs), that it's not time to let go yet.  Something will tell me if/when that time comes.

DAY 29, Post 3

One step forward, two steps back... Or maybe not. I had to let go of something that wasn't working today. No, it wasn't CL-WoW. But I realized I couldn't proceed with how things were going with CT when I was clearly hung up elsewhere. So... I'll sit here and wait.

A Cross-County Care Package is all set to be mailed, however I fear that it will piss him off. And that's the last thing I want to do. But I care. So when these little things kept showing up, I couldn't help but to gather them and wait til a package was full. And now it is.

I spent about two hours in my car this morning, just trying to get some clarity. I can't seem to think when I'm at home. Or, I can, but it's not necessarily the thoughts I'm looking for. I wound up at Schuler's Bakery, a place he raved about to me. I bought a donut that I haven't eaten yet. I don't know that I will. It just doesn't feel right.

Now I'm sitting outside of a 2pm job interview, clearing my head, on here, before I go in and knock the socks off them. :-). I had cancelled this same interview six weeks ago and last week decided to call and see if the job was still open. Wish me luck!

DAY 29, Post 2

It's nearly 5am and storming for the third time tonight.  Everytime the storms have come in Penny has started barking her head off, and this time the boys are awake too.  Some teachers are going to have lots of grumpy kids on their hands today.  Heck, I'm going to be grumpy too.

I've got a job interview at 2pm this afternoon.  I was supposed to have this interview six weeks about but cancelled it due to everything that happened the day before, and also the expectation that the job with DWA would go somewhere.  Well...  The job with DWA went nowhere and I'm tired of (not even) living paycheck to paycheck so I decided to call the man back.  Luckily he hasn't filled the position and was still interested in talking to me.  Thankfully I had only told him about the DWA job offer, so I could tell him that the job never started. 

Another strike of lightening.  I just want to get in my car and drive.  Thankfully the lack of gas in my gas tank and nearly empty bank account are keeping me home.  I have a feeling the empty roads would make me feel worse than I do right now.

DAY 29, Post 1

Song of the Day... If you're listening... Reading...

DAY 28, Post 2

Hmmm... I didn't want to go to work today... AT ALL. I wanted to sleep in and get lost in my dreams. Honestly, I'm looking forward to going to bed early tonight and getting all cozy in my bed with my body pillow.

I've done a lot of thinking during the past couple of days. About letting go, and going separate ways. Honestly, if you really care about someone, in any way, I don't think going separate ways should ever be up for discussion. So this isn't working for me. But... I'm trying. And for me, it's trying really hard. I'm working on the sweater right now. The sweater was never meant to be mine. It's not mine. It's his. And I want to finish it, green sleeve and all.

DAY 28, Post 1

As I said, I'm setting up my Song of the Day posts a few days in advance (in this case, it's Monday)...  But I had this song in my head, not realizing I was posting it as Sunday's Song of the Day...

Breakfast with the Beatles...

DAY 27, Post 2

I woke up in a funk this morning.  I was dreaming all night, and they were those dreams that you'd rather just continue living in than wake up and face whatever your real life has to offer...  Like my job that I have to work ALL weekend or my messy apartment.  No, Operation Mini-Goals hasn't been going so well in the cleaning department. 

I've sat here for ten minutes trying to figure out what else to write and I just feel...  lost.  Besides taking care of my boys and getting my butt to work, the rest of what I do seems...  Blurry.  I long for clarity.  Please, God.  Give me clarity.

DAY 27, Post 1

Today's Song of the Day...  What an AWESOME video!!!

DAY 26, Post 1

I have to admit, I set up my Song of the Day posts days in advance.  This one is due to a miscommunication about Ryan Adams vs. Bryan Adams, haha.  I still don't know who Ryan Adams is.  Maybe that will be tomorrow's Song of the Day.



I don't think the link above is going to work, so click here...

(Everything I Do) I Do It For You by Bryan Adams

DAY 25, Post 4

Soooo... My "Soul Mate Spec Sheet" in its revised form... (*are new)

1. Calls or texts within a day of first date
2. Doesn't mind and actually likes PDA
3. Sleeps on left side of bed
4. Knows how to and enjoys cooking
5. Sends texts/pictures during the day if/when thinking about me
6. At least 3 inches taller than me
7. At least 20 pounds heavier than me
8. In good shape
9. Smells good (Axe is a plus)
10. Likes kids
11. Likes video games*
12. Likes hockey
13. Likes to camp
14. Does not hunt
15. Great sense of humor
16. Reads books and/or magazines
17. Dark hair
18. Likes board games
19. Plays WoW*
20. Likes animals
21. Likes to stare at the stars
22. Likes to build things/work with hands
23. Looks at the glass as at least 1/2 full
24. Will eat cereal for dinner
25. Will take chances
26. Is spontaneous
27. Is NOT a couch potato
28. Loves to travel
29. Opens doors for me
30. Mixes CDs for me (or makes playlists on my iPOD for me)
31. Interested in architecture
32. Interested in restoring/renovating houses/buildings
33. Within 5 years of my age
34. Has a library card
35. Knows how to do laundry
36. Would dress up for Halloween
37. Has 3-5 (minimum) good local friends
38. Will paint my toenails
39. Voted for Obama
40. Hums or whistles
41. Will buy tampons/feminine products at the store
42. Has never been in jail
43. Is close to his family*
44. Likes ethnic food (Indian/Thai/Greek)
45. Doesn't mind if food touches*
46. Likes garbage plates*
47. Likes Sushi
48. Owns a swimsuit and likes to swim
49. Buys me tulips, even if they are out of season
50. Makes an effort to meet/know my friends
51. Likes my family and they like him*
52. Initiates activities with my boys
53. Stops by my office/work to say hi if in the area
54. Pays attention to positive details
55. Rubs my head/strokes my hair
56. Gives awesome massages
57. Awesome in bed* (hey, this is my list)
58. Loves to cuddle*
59. Takes out the garbage*
60. Hugging him is like dancing, even if we're standing still*
61. Says hello and goodbye with a kiss, hug and a smile*
62. Introduces me to local friends/family voluntarily within first two months*
63. Understands that money doesn't mean crap to me and isn't embarrassed by his place/status in life*
64. Is willing/able to communicate openly with me about past, present and future*
65. Doesn't mind and enjoys if I surprise him at work with a coffee or for break/lunch*
66. Gives as much as he receives*
67. Must have a verbal filter* (Added 03-03-2011)

DAY 25, Post 3

I was outside with our puppy, Penny, this morning, and was watching her run around with a piece of bread she found in a neighbor's yard.  She scurried around for a bit, looking for a place to hide her treasure, and she made me think...  "Dogs are smart.  How do I 'hide' my treasures so that they don't escape me?"

This afternoon she had a stick.  I have sticks...  My boys, the little money I make at my job, my job, my apartment, my self-respect, my happiness, my health, my family, my friends...  How do I not get the short end of the stick?  How do I ensure someone isn't going to cut one of them down and try to take it away from me?  And if they try, how do I prevent it?

The District Manager was in the restaurant today and was talking to my manager about design issues in our store.  I couldn't help but to take the opportunity during my break to ask him if corporate positions are hired from within the company as well...  and he said YES!  He said that whenever possible, all positions are filled by people who are already within the company.  AND he gave me the information for the Design Manager, as with the expansions and new locations the company is constantly having, they could possibly need additional help.  So, I'll be contacting her to inquire about possible positions tonight!

DAY 25, Post 2

Last night I was feeling GREAT, and right now I'm feeling good, however somewhere in the middle I had a little lapse.  Let's call it a "How the hell did I get here?!?" moment.  I sat here in my empty apartment, looking around, wondering how I wound up...  Here...  I had a momentary lapse in thought, thinking, "Please, God.  Take me back in time."  Six weeks, six months, I wondered if I could wake up in a moment where I could do things differently.  Yes, I even thought about my marriage.

But do I want my marriage again?  No!  Absolutely not!

And then sleep rescued me.  A nice, rare, dreamless sleep.

I woke this morning to find my "Note From the Universe" waiting in my email in-box...

"Hey, Kimberly, don't you see? The "right" circumstances, people, and opportunities are just like "good" ideas - they come to you fastest, once you relax.

Zip, Zap, Zop,
The Universe"

And even though my eyes were open, I actually woke up.  I relaxed enough on Tuesday to get a job interview for next week.  (Yay for me!)  So now I tell myself, "Come on, Kim!  Relax!  All those things you are waiting for will come to you!  Just stop worrying, relax, and live in the moment!"

DAY 25, Post 1

Song of the Day, thanks to CT and his iPOD...

DAY 24, Post 3

Ahhhh...  The joy of sitting on my butt at home after a day at work.  Today's work included scrubbing the grout between the floor and cove base.  It's nice and white now but damn!  I could join the military with my floor scrubbing-with-a-brush skills!  Too bad I can't do a pull-up...  yet...

I have two...  Well...  Three pairs of jeans, two that I can wear to work.  One I already knew were too big and required a belt.  The second pair today proved that they are reaching that point as well.  I NEVER thought I would be down to this weight again.  I mean, I haven't been in the 150's since BEFORE I got pregnant with #1.  That was 9 years ago!  Woo hoo!  Now I'm just going to start doing crunches and home exercises so that I keep the weight off.  Anybody know of any good exercises to make legs look as good as the belly?

Tonight, and every Wednesday night, DH has the boys.  They all had a meeting this afternoon with the Guardian ad Lietum (spelling?), and I wish I had been a fly on the wall to see/hear how it went.  The GAL, for those of you who don't know, is an attorney appointed by the court to give his/her recommendation on who should get custody of the boys.  I didn't have the money to pay my half until I was paid last week, so my initial appointment isn't until next week.  DH's home visit with the boys and the GAL is next Wednesday night...  My birthday.  I can't say I'm necessarily disappointed about not having the boys on my birthday, but my birthday in general brings mixed feelings.  I hadn't seen my 32nd year starting this way.  But it's going to be a GREAT year.  I won't settle for anything else.

My co-workers at CMG joke about my "Black Book."  Being the outgoing person that I have become, there isn't a week that goes by that I don't get a phone number, business card or prayer from a customer.  Actually, that's how C.T. and I met, haha.  Last week I racked up all three, but the phone numbers weren't from people interested in dating me.  The first was from a single mom on Valentine's Day who joked about how she was going to take her food home with a bottle of wine and wallow in her singleness for the night.  I joked with her about how I wanted to go to the grocery and borrow their motorized cart.  The business cards were from a personal trainer (I have a free training session!) and a lawyer who randomly asked me if I, or anyone else in my life, needed a prayer.  I said yes, and mentioned myself and one other (for individual prayers), and he and his companion broke out in prayer in the middle of the dining room.  While I appreciated the gesture, I must admit it felt rather...  awkward.

To our customers who wear AXE cologne...  God, you smell GOOD!

On that note, I've decided to revise and share my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet" in one of my future posts.  Hope it's read and appreciated by someone worthy!

DAY 24, Post 2

My friend E.W. put this up as her Facebook status this morning, and I LOVE it!...

"If life hands you lemons...MAKE orange juice and leave people wondering how the heck you did it! Dare to be different - Be Amazing!"

In the past year I've experienced more than a lot of people experience in five...

• Loss of three family members
• Mom had a stroke
• Separated from spouse
• Moved
• Started a new job
• Moved my business out of my home and into an office
• Shut down my business of five years due to separation/divorce and money constraints
• Was offered another job which won't start because it sounds like the company is folding
• Met a great man and had two AMAZING months where I...
• Learned what TO EXPECT from a significant other
• Learned what to NOT ACCEPT from a significant other
• Lost nearly 60 pounds
• Started down the road of discovering who I am

So, lemons, I've gotcha.  But f*** lemonade.  It's too sour for me.  I'm going to make Orange Strawberry Banana juice, because I'm looking for some sweetness in my life.

DAY 24, Post 1

How could I NOT post this as my Song of the Day when I thought of it?

DAY 23, Post 5

Moving on...

I decided to make a list of things I'm looking forward to, even if they aren't in the cards for the near future...

• April 14, 2011 and D-Day
• Painting my apartment
• Building my dream house...  someday
• Finding true love
• Hearing "I Love You" from someone besides my family or my boys
• Getting a job I LOVE
• Paying off my bills and not having to worry about money
• Traveling
• Visiting my family in New York
• Driving cross country
• Going to Europe
• Being totally happy
• Never having to let go
• Summer
• Having an organized, furnished apartment
• Painting
• Passionate, deep kisses
• Hugs that don't end and feel like dancing
• Eternal smiles
• Public Displays of Affection
• Finishing my blanket
• Forgiving the past
• Reading the entire Bible
• Cleaning out my DVR

DAY 23, Post 4

Deep sigh.  My apology was heard.  The photos are off my computer.  I wish much happiness for us both (individually) in the future and hope that if we cross paths we can do it with a smile.

I've never walked away from ANY relationship not knowing if I would speak with the person ever again.  I think that's what hurts the most.  But if nothing else, he's shown me how I should be treated by my significant other, and hopefully the same was true, in a positive light. 

Thank you for the memories...  I'll never forget you, however...  I'll go forward with fond memories and the hope we can/have forgiven each other for any hurt that was caused.

The BEST New Years Eve in My First 31 Years...

And a GREAT smile... 

Whoever she is, make sure she'll drive 30 minutes to take you coffee on your 10 minute break.

DAY 23, Post 3

Sometimes the hardest thing to say is "I'm sorry." While a lot of other things come out of my mouth, I walk around feeling shitty about the bad things I have said, and not knowing if my apology has been read, or even accepted. So again, sorry. From the bottom of my heart.

DAY 23, Post 2

OK ladies out there... If you're having a bad day/week/month/year whatever, set your DVR to record The Talk. It's the best decision I ever made. Here I am, up at 12:30am and watching yesterday's episode of The Talk and laughing my ass off. Ahhh, laughing feels soooo good!

The ladies have selected presidents that they considered to be hot and Leah (from King of Queens)... Or was it Sarah?... selected Woodrow Wilson. Sharon Osbourne retorted that she thought he should be in a bathroom with George Michael. But then Sharon selected a president because he had a size 14 shoe... Because size matters. HA!

Thanks to CT and his savvy computer skills I cleaned out my iPOD this weekend and deleted several playlists that really didn't need to be on there anymore. (My iPOD refused to sync with my computer before his savviness.) So now I've made a "Moving On" playlist and could really use recommendations. Anyone?

On my Blackberry I've now downloaded a Daily Horoscope app and so far I'm very pleased! The only thing I wish was different was that I wish I could copy the text (so I could paste the really inspiring ones here) but with the format it's not possible.

Some days are definitely better than others and today (or should I still consider it yesterday) is by far one of the best I've had in quite a while.

Thank you again and again to all of you who are always there for me. I love you all!

XOXO,
Me

DAY 23, Post 1

Song of the Day... Wow...

DAY 22, Post 3

I had a doctor's appointment today and was shocked to hear that I've lost more weight than I thought I have...  I started 2010 at 211 pounds.  Today, I was down to 154.3.  Phooooooo...  I know my eating (or lack thereof) over the last month has been shitty, and while I don't want to gain the weight back, I know I need to keep it down by eating healthy and exercising.

Not that this is eating healthy, but this was dinner...

Yes, I've added my salad to the bottom, but I still have the Steak, hot sauce and Guacamole on top.  Yum Yum!

DAY 22, Post 2

It's a wonder what you can do without a microwave.  In this case, I didn't do it, but I was happy to be able to watch.  :-)

Popcorn!  And it was microwaveable popcorn no less!

On another positive note, I found out last night that DH has made two child support payments, so now I just need to wait for the funds to get into my account.  It could still be weeks though, so I'll just have to continue being patient.  Unfortunately with rent due next week, I get a bit uneasy just waiting here for the funds.  Ahhh...

Oh!  I have to send out a welcome to my new neice, born last Thursday afternoon.  I can't wait to meet you!

Day 22, Post 1

Song of the Day...  Because my co-workers won't stop playing it!  Ahhh!

DAY 21, Post 3

It's been a lovely day...  A lovely weekend for that matter...

Today Thing 2 had a Jedi Training birthday party to go to, and he came home with a new Yoda costume and a bag full of candy from a pinata.  I asked him if they used their light sabers to break into the pinata and he said no, a golf club.  Hmmm...  Seems some Jedi wasn't quite thinking about the powers of the force.

I went in to get my schedule this afternoon and I have tomorrow and Tuesday off and I work Wednesday 10-5.  I'm thinking this means I'll be working full days this weekend, but as long as I get a fair share of hours I'll be satisfied.  I told CT this afternoon though that I plan on getting a full-time day job by the end of March.  I WILL get a full-time day job by the end of March.  While I love my co-workers at CMG, I would much rather know that I have every night and weekend to myself...  as well as not have to clean bathrooms and the lovely floor drains.  I'll keep my job at CMG so that I can maintain my health insurance post-divorce, however I need...  Something more...

On the way home from picking up Thing 2 from the birthday party we stopped at Family Video and got a couple movies (for me and CT) and a video game.  The movies are Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Monty Python and the Life of Brian. 

I find it quite amusing how some things seem to parallel (YOU will know what I'm talking about).  Last weekend we got Paranormal Activity 2.  Not as good as Paranormal Activity (1) in my opinion but still scary.

CT is helping me achieve my fitness goals, even if for now I'm just getting psyched about them and haven't started working on them yet.  Having lost 60-70 pounds in the past year I've got a little bit of belly to burn away, and I'll be doing crunches everyday until I have money to do something more (like join a gym) about it.  Push-ups may also be in the cards, but...  I've never been a fan of push-ups.  It would be nice, however, to finally be able to do a pull-up.  I've NEVER been able to do one.  Imagine that, being able to do my first pull-up at age 32.  How completely satisfying!  Oh, how I would love a belly like Gillian Michaels'.

Mom asked me this morning if I would rather have clothes or money for my birthday, and the most honest answer I could give her was "Mom, I have no idea what size I wear."  Jeans I bought in October or November no longer fit, to the point that they fall off my hips when I'm at work.  It's ridiculous to think I've lost that much in just three months.

And on to the NASCAR race...  Denny Hamlin almost had it for me.  But with four laps left some other drivers crashed and sent him back to 24th position.  He made it back up to 21 though, but entering the season with 21 isn't exactly where I wanted to be.

Tonight I am making Lasagne for dinner.  Is it homemade?  No.  But this awesome Stoffeurs lasagne has been sitting in my freezer for some time now and I'm looking for it to be gone.  I didn't make breakfast today, and honestly, for the first time in a weeks I didn't miss Breakfast with the Beatles.  Maybe that means I'm finally moving on.  Yay me!

DAY 21, Post 2

Ahhh...  Today is...  NASCAR's opening day!  Ha ha.  I should be sitting here making my pick but my head and heart just aren't in it.  Yea, this city-chick-turned-country-hick is in a season-long NASCAR pool, thanks to my dear Aunt Flushy.

I started knitting Block 4 of my blanket last night and then started watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I made it through the first movie, but only 20 minutes of the second before falling asleep.

I've begun to resent checking my mail, email or postal mail.  Yesterday after getting back from the YMCA I checked the mail to find a ton of paperwork regarding the divorce.  I'm getting highly frustrated because I need to turn in paperwork this week and I still haven't been able to get my file cabinet, or even the files within it, from DH. 

Then when I checked my email this morning I had another response to an email I had made weeks ago for a surprise for CL-WoW.  Why the hell can't the universe just let me continue on my path without constantly reminding me of him?  The email was regarding his love for Deloreans (yes, the car from Back to the Future), and was telling me he could/can have a ride in one on March 4 in Cincinnati if he wants one.  Sigh...  I tried to set this up with such good intentions, so why does it make me feel so much like shit?

Thing 2 has a birthday party this afternoon with a Jedi training theme, and I'm trying to figure out something affordable to do with Thing 1 while that's going on.  Well, forget affordable.  Let's just be honest here.  Something FREE.  It will make me sound extremely cheap, but the $10 birthday present for this little boy REALLY doesn't fit into my budget.

Well, back to my NASCAR selection.  I don't want to get penalized the first race for not having made my pick!

DAY 21, Post 1

Today's Song of the Day is thanks to my boys. They found this one on YouTube... don't as me how...

DAY 20, Post 4

Thing 2 and I tackled another item on Operation Mini-Goals tonight. He and I just played a game of War and now he and Thing 1 are playing against each other. I won't deny for a second that I beat him in a very fast game!

DAY 20, Post 4

Here's an update to Operation Mini-Goals...

1. Get an oil change for my car.  It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money. - My neighbor, JTS, gave me a coupon for a half-price oil change!  Yay me!  Thanks for reading my blog!
2. Inquire about design jobs.  I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me. - Haven't started yet.
3. Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection. - Haven't started yet.
4. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter. - I've been trying to start throwing out crap and keep this place cleaned up!
5. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely. - The living room and (my) bedroom lights have been turned off for the past 2-3 nights!
6. Make a wreath for my front door with my boys. - Haven't started yet.
7. Start cooking actual meals.  Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me. - Started last night!
8. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself. - Haven't started yet.
9. Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha. - Haven't started yet.
10. Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket. - Haven't started yet.
11. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them. - I bought a deck of cards at Kroger last night and will play War with them tonight.

Day 20, Post 3

Today's Song of the Day...  Thank you, Michael Buble...

DAY 20, Post 2

This morning I cooked my first "real" breakfast, with the exception of pancakes since moving into my apartment on December 8. Eggs, bacon and toast. I think I did a pretty good job. I'm attaching some pictures, but I'll have to add captions and thoughts later as I'm at the Y now for a couple of hours. Thing 1 has floor hockey for an hour and a half and then Thing 2 has basketball.

The bacon cooking...  I must admit, I'm not a patient "chef" and I tend to rush...

My favorite toy in my kitchen...

Finished bacon...  a little crispier than I would have liked but that's what I get with impatience...

Mmm...  Toast...

The first batch of scrambled eggs...

Ooh, how I LOVE Green Goodness by Bolthouse Farms!

My breakfast plate...  The eggs were a little...  Brown...  Due to my cooking them too high...

Yea, brown eggs...

DAY 20, Post 1

Last night my Operation Mini-Goals took another step. I cooked dinner for the boys and I, and for the first time since January 17 it wasn't something that could bake in 12 minutes. I made us Garbage Plates and even baked lemon bars for dessert. (See picture)

CT came over for dinner and JTS, my awesome neighbor and later her boyfriend came over for a beer. I couldn't believe when all of a sudden it was 930pm. Refocusing, or in someone else's words "re-aligning", really can be an awesome thing.

DAY 19, Post 3

Well, I've started Operation Mini-Goals pretty well! Last night (or this morning) I turned off the lights and went to bed. I curled up next to my body pillow and tried to visualize my future. The next thing I knew my alarm was going off and I had to wake up.
Then since I've woken up this morning I've already called my attorney's office regarding child support and I've called Job and Family Services regarding my assistance. No, I will not deny that for the time being I am receiving public assistance.
I've also cleaned up a bit around the apartment. Everytime I get up I clean up a couple more things and I've closed the kitchen cupboards. I'm not Greek, but according to Greek culture it's bad luck to leave your cupboard doors open.
Now its time to get Thing 1 to school and call to make the GAL payment. Have a great day!

DAY 19, Post 2

Wow, I feel like an idiot.  A royal, world-class idiot.  I should have just let it go a month ago and done what I said I was going to do...  Concentrate on me and the boys.  Because the horse was dead then, and I was the crazy bat who was too blind to see it.

So now, I move on...  Those of you follow my blog are probably glad to hear it.  But now what do I do with myself?  I had tried moving on last week with the fire, haha, but I think I botched up that whole night and the week following pretty good.  And I think I offended someone else in the process and I don't like that.

I'm not a person who likes to hurt or offend others.  Perhaps I'm naive, but a person has to be REALLY mean for me to want to hurt or offend him/her.  Honestly, I don't wish bad on anyone in my past, even DH and he did lots of mean, hurtful things to me.  But he's my boys' dad and because of that I hope he finds some real happiness in his future.

It's 3:50 in the morning, and I'm awake...  Again...  It's been...  A couple weeks since I woke up in the middle of the night.  I think I went to bed too early last night because I've found sleep and my bed to be my escape.  But sometimes I can't escape anything in sleep.  I dream about things that matter to me, and wake up upset that life isn't how I want it to be.  But how DO I want it to be?  What DO I want?

Today I pay for the Guardian Ad Lietum (spelling?) for the boys.  $350 for a court appointed attorney who will represent the boys' best interest in the custody hearing.  DH has his first meeting with the GAL next week. I'm sour about that.  He had money to pay for the GAL right away, so he'll be introduced to him first.  The $350 will take nearly all of today's paycheck for me...  and that stings...The child support order was issued a couple weeks ago but DH's employer won't take the money out for another month minimum, and they won't do it retroactively.  So what do I do in the meantime?  I can only work so many hours without getting worn out and beat down.  I enjoy working with my co-workers, but can I say I love my job?  Absolutely not!  I NEVER saw myself working in fast food, especially with my education. 

So where do I go from here?  How do I fulfill my bucket list without going crazy from lonliness in the meantime?  How do I enjoy and be happy every second with my boys when sometimes I just want to cry?  I can't let them see that.  It's not their responsibility to make Mommy happy.  It's my responsibility to make myself happy.  But what do I do to make myself happy without being self-destructive?  Wow, that sounds bad.  No, I don't want to drink or drug myself. 

Wow...  as I typed the last sentence, today's Note from the Universe came in...

"The trick with courage, Kimberly, is realizing that it isn't so much about overcoming fear, as it is about not settling for less. And then, it comes as effortlessly as a midsummer's night breeze.

Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh-a-a-a-a-a-a, who-o-o-osh -
The Universe"

So, I need courage.  I need to know what I'm not settling for.  So let me start setting some mini-goals...  Some of these may seem small and trivial, but if I can look back in the next month and see that I've accomplished them, I'll feel a lot better.

1. Get an oil change for my car.  It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money.
2. Inquire about design jobs.  I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me.
3. Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection. 
4. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.
5. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely.
6. Make a wreath for my front door with my boys.
7. Start cooking actual meals.  Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me.
8. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.
9. Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha.
10. Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket.
11. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.

So, that's my goal for February 18 - March 17.  I'm going to work on focusing on these items and only these.  Some will be easier than others.  Today, I will tackle #11.  I'll buy UNO or a deck of cards, because that's all I can really afford, and we can play UNO or War this weekend. 

Today I work at 11am.  No, I'm not going to get there three hours early, haha.  But I think I'm going to go concentrate on me for the time being.  Either by way of sleep or by starting the next square for my blanket or by watching a show on TV.  Honestly, sleep is the hardest followed by knitting, because I tend to think and dwell on my lonliness.  I need to find something new to think about.  About the positive heading my way.  About how I see my life in the future, even if the future is today.  Positive visualization.  I'll make that...

  12.  Positive visualization.

DAY 19, Post 1

Today's song of the day...

This song was playing the day of my first interview (I had THREE!) with my job. It truly empowered me as I was sitting there, as I had not yet moved out of the old house, and I had no idea how everything was going to work out. Now, everyday that I work it plays. Now I know I just need to listen to it, haha.

DAY 18, Post 2

Ahhh, it was an interesting night last night.  The horse is NOT dead.  And I feel rotten for everything I wrote a couple days ago.  I know I was angry and hurt, but in my heart I don't ever want anyone to hurt.

I showed up at work two hours early again today.  So once again, I'm at home, finding things to do. 

Honestly, I'm working on the sweater.  I told him I was making it for me (via text) and that somebody would get a great view of my ass in a backless sweater and he laughed.  I miss his laugh.  I miss his smile.  I miss him.  Do I miss our relationship?  Hell yea!  But more than anything I miss HIM.  Who he is and nothing else.  We come from far different backgrounds, but I wouldn't ever change a single thing about him.  Not one single thing.

DAY 18, Post 1

Green Card is one of my all-time favorite movies, and this song, from the ending scene, is one of my favorite songs.  Enjoy!

DAY 17, Part 3

Brilliant me.  I showed up to work two hours early.  So now I'm home looking up the seven stages of grief...

According to Recover From Grief.com, they are...

1. Shock and Denial - Yup, I've been there.
2. Pain and Guilt - Yup, been there too.
3. Anger and Bargaining - That's me!
4. "Depression", Reflection, Lonliness - Been there...
5. The upward turn - Not there yet...
6. Reconstruction and working through - Will come in time...
7. Acceptance and hope - Working on that...

The seven stages don't necessarily go in order, but I'm looking forward to being on #8, haha.  Moving on!

DAY 17, Part 2

I can't deny, I'm in a pissy mood this morning. I think ill have to look up the different stages of grief when I get home this afternoon because I'm obviously now in the anger stage. I'm in no mood to go into work and make salsas and smile, and that sucks. I'm just pissed off.

Yesterday before my posts I resent a text asking if he would have coffee with me this evening. We had exchanged short texts on Monday and yes, I am still looking for that final, in-person conversation. Why is that so hard to get? Does he have feelings for me that he's afraid will show if he sees me?

Ahhh! REALLY not in the mood to work. Its just good that I deleted his number and all texts from my phone last night, because I've got words.

DAY 17, Post 1

Ha ha!  How appropriate!  Today's Song of the Day...  GOODBYE!

DAY 16, Part 3

Today's song of the day, haha...

DAY 16, Part 2

Wow... I guess it takes a truly nice (although somewhat messed up, haha) person to make me realize how truly fucked up other people are. I just asked my friend Chris to have lunch with me on my birthday so I would have something to look forward to (and I'll pay, haha) and not only did he say yes but he said he would take the day off from work. I must add that I said I didn't want him to take the day off from work because he, like me, needs the money, but really!?! He would do that!?! (His response to me saying I didn't want him to take the day off was "Why not? I can take a vacation day and still get paid.". Hmmmm...)

DH never took my birthday off, never offered to take my birthday off, and two years ago, on my 30th birthday, didn't even wish me a Happy Birthday because he was mad at me for some stupid reason or another. I didn't get my birthday present or "happy birthday" for three days...

Following up on my earlier post from today, I think I have to put the horse to sleep. It's unfortunate that some people don't want to see the good in others, even when she truly cares about him and wants to make sure he's ok. With all the shit I've been going through, I'm embarrassed now that I've been more worried about the horse's ailments than my own. So, fuck you, horse. You've given up something great. The grass is always greener somewhere, but I'm afraid it will be hard if not impossible to find greener than me. Oh, and I want the back of the sweater and coffee mug returned. If I can't get a return email or text when I write I care and/or worry about you, then no woman should knit you a sweater or drive 30 minutes for a 10 minute coffee break with you. I cared, to the point that I cried at work today, but the hell with you. You obviously were not who I thought you were and I was a fool to care about you.

Ahhh... Sorry to the rest of you. If you know me, then undoubtedly you know who I'm talking about. (Yes, jerk. I shared my feelings for you with others.) But damn, I feel better. I know he'll never read the above, because he doesn't care, but if by chance he does read it, I hope (and you know it's not like me to say this) it hurts like he hurt me.

Two minutes later...

I've deleted the number and texts (again) from my phone. He knows where I live, (as I do him), but should he ever want to apologize (sincerely) it will take a drive here and some major groveling. I'm done contacting him. Ill forgive in time, but forget, no. I don't think you can forget how much you cared for someone, especially when it wasn't reciprocal.

2011 will be a GREAT year... For ME...

DAY 16, Part 1

It was a rough day at work. I was talking to a coworker and she said to me, "You can't ride a dead horse." Well, what if the horse isn't dead but just wants to walk for a while? I couldn't help but to think about this for the rest of the day... Seven hours. Obviously I'm still thinking about it now.

I was making chips and one of my managers said, "Kim, your chips are missing something! A smile!". I burst into tears. My coworkers know I'm going through a divorce and am having a hard time with a couple other "issues", but they know me to be an up-beat woman, normally full of smiles. Crying was definitely not something I wanted to do at work... Ever. I must have needed a good, short cry though, as I was able to joke and laugh for the two hours after that. I LOVE my coworkers!

For the rest of day I tried to think purely of a song in my head... I'm Alright by JoDee Messina. "It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight and I guess I'm doin' alright!"

So... The "dead" horse. I'm not giving up on it altogether. Maybe it's not meant to be ridden again, haha. But it can be kept well and nurtured and known that somebody cares about it. I think I'm going to give it a month in the pasture to take care of itself and mend, and maybe I'll check in then.

In the meantime I'm going to try to plan an inexpensive birthday day of pampering for myself. My hands look like shit, I could use a haircut, and my body just HURTS. I've been putting all my tip money into a jar (thanks to CL-WoW) and my friend Chris recommended saving it for Christmas. I think I'll use it on my birthday and save for the rest of the year for Christmas.

If you're reading this, I'd love to know! Please post comments if/when you have any.

XOXO,
Me

DAY 15, Part 2

I'm a little bit late, but I want to keep up my daily blogging...

My manager scheduled me for 4pm - close today and I thought I would get some sleep this morning but I still woke up at 7:30 wide awake. Grrrr... I was up for an hour and then went back to sleep for a bit, but I had a bad dream about CL-WoW...

In the dream I was trying to meet him for coffee (a current/constant dilemma anyway) and he told me his job was in chaos (one week on, one week off) and was moving back to ND. I don't have a clue where I was in my dream but I tried to get to him as fast as I could and couldn't find my way out of the town I was in to save my life. I woke up crying and completely frustrated.

Again, I'm so grateful for the awesome co-workers I have and my friends and family for bringing a smile to my face. I managed to get through this day without driving a motorized cart through the V-Day displays, and made over $5 in tips in the process. Yay me!

This picture, by the way, is what happens to my hands in my current job. Nice, huh?

DAY 15, Part 1

I missed Breakfast with the Beatles yesterday.  Seriously missed it.  Missed eggs and bacon and coffee with sugar that comes out of a cheese grater because I couldn't find a sugar bowl at Walmart.

I think this is the song that I would play first if I could... Call it today's Song of the Day.



Happy Valentine's Day. I miss you.

DAY 14

I just got home from a double shift at work.  15.75 hours.  Sigh.

My head has been swimming with thoughts today.  How to handle tomorrow.  If I can just sleep right through it.  If I can celebrate it.  What to do about fucking Valentine's Day.  I swear, and I think I've said it before, I would LOVE to take a motorized shopping cart through the displays at the local supermarkets.  Sigh (again).

DAY 13

Wow... Day 13. Maybe I'm just sleep deprived but I find it coincidental that I worked 13 hours today. 5 hours of overtime so YAY me!
I really don't have that much to write so don't be surprised that this one's short. Today had its highs and lows, and I think I dealt with the lows alright. Money is a constant concern right now, but it will work itself out soon enough... Hopefully...

DAY 12, Part 3

Is it just me or do kids purposely misplace the TV remote so you can't watch what you want to?
I have started DVR'ing and watching The Talk with Sharon Osborne, Sarah Gilbert and others who I can't remember the names of, and I LOVE it. These ladies crack me up. It seems they've been through everything I've gone through or am going through, and they find a way to add a smile to every situation.
I must say though, that there has been a commercial on every episode I've been watching lately that I find disturbing. Easy Feet. "It's like a car wash for your feet!". How does thing not grow bacteria and give the users athlete feet? I mean, YUCK! I wouldn't leave a wash cloth on the floor of my shower and use it everyday, so why would I want to use this bristly brush thing? And, as horrible as it sounds, it I couldn't reach my feet and they needed that much help I would either take a bath, go on a diet or get a pedicure!

DAY 12, Part 2

Alright, this is the song of the day, and, well, I'm not sorry if the video offends anybody.  This song is from Monty Python's Life of Brian.  I think I need to go rent it this weekend...

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life...

DAY 12, Part 1

I had written a Bucket List for myself last year but managed to lose it in my office. So, here is my new (and possibly revised) Bucket List...

1. Write a book and have it published.
2. Sell several of my paintings.
3. Visit the Egyptian Pyramids.

4. Visit Victoria Falls.

5. Join the mile-high club (funny, I know).
6. Build my dream house (in America) and own it/live in it for the rest of my life. (See picture below)

7. Buy a vacation home and restore it in Europe.
8. Visit all 50 states.

9.  Drive cross country.
10. Take the boys to Disney World.
11. Pay off all my debt.
12. Fall in love with someone who's beautiful inside and out.
13. Visit every continent.

14.  Keep moving forward and forgive/forget the past.
15.  Bungee Jump.
16.  Skydive.
17.  Zip line through the rainforest.

My list may change, but for now this is what I've got.

DAY 11

Ha ha ha ha.  I can't think of any other emotion to describe how I feel about something I did last night...

I had a bad morning, but thanks to friends I was able to get back into better spirits and went to work feeling good.  I had to close last night (a highlight of my day, especially cleaning the drains in the men's and women's rooms) but was lucky enough to be able to hang out with a friend after getting home...

And this is what I did...

Did it give me the answers I was looking for?  No.  Did it give me the ability to move on entirely without thinking about him?  No.  But damn, it felt GOOD!  The sweater is still safe, and I'm thinking about finishing it, if even for myself and then it would be backless, but I'll just think of it as a "Snuggie" knitted sweater blanket.  Complete with sleeves and a hood.

I just got off work and home from a long shift today...  10am - 5pm.  Being in there at 10am is hard after leaving at 11:30 the night before.  I think I got two hours of sleep last night.  The boys are thankfully being great tonight, playing with Penny and on the Wii.  I think I'll relax for a little bit before figuring out what to do with the rest of my night.

DAY TEN, Post 2

Once again, my friends and family are amazing.  And I'm sorry I can't listen to everything you say.  But I hear what you're telling me, and I love that you are there to listen to me when I need to vent.

I found myself in bed at 11:30 this morning, trying to sleep so I could get over my depression.  It didn't work.  But a couple of great people felt the vibe and started texting me.  Now I'm up, tackling the mess of this apartment, and actually looking forward to going to work this evening.  I work straight through Sunday, but at least I'll have some money at the end of next week!

I won't deny...  I've been contemplating going into the local grocery stores and taking down the Valentine's Day displays with one of their motorized shopping carts.  "Oops!  I lost control!"  But I know that wouldn't look good in the eyes of the judge at the divorce or final custody hearings.  So...

Julie, my neighbor, had a wonderful idea.  I'm going to take Thing 1 and Thing 2 out on a date.  Or maybe we'll have a date in.  Order a pizza, get a new movie, play board games, and enjoy each other's company and nothing else for the whole night.  Suddenly that f-ing holiday (no pun intended) doesn't look so bad...

DAY TEN, Part 1

A friend shared this quote with me the other day...
I just need to figure out how re-estimate the value of something in my life...

"If you are distressed by anything external,
the pain is not due to the thing itself,
but to your estimate of it;
and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

DAY NINE, Part 5

I got a smile...  Actually, I got a smile and I smiled.  This day turned itself around.  I'm not going to make anything out of something that may not be there, but I'm glad I got a smile.  (Sorry if you're there going "Huh?"  I know...  I'm vague...)

But "Thank You" to my Thing 2 for giving me a much needed smile today.  I looked over at him and he had his arms AND his legs in the sleeves of his shirt.  See below.  No, he was NOT being eaten by the beanbag chair.

DAY NINE, Part 4

WoW...  I feel like crap.  My head is pounding and I just want to go hibernate in bed for the rest of the night. 

I thought I would try to find out some solid answers today, and didn't get any.  Beeped twice and the car just kept on driving and didn't even turn around.

Sorry men (and women).  I'm still stuck between a rock and a hard place.

But for YOU...

Please...  Swallow your pride...
If I have faith, you need to borrow...
For, no one can fill...
Those of your needs...
That you won't let show...

DAY NINE, Part 3

Song of the day...  this goes out to a number of you...

DAY NINE, Part 2

Stay strong. 
Keep moving forward. 
Everything will be alright...  Someday...
Keep on keeping on.
Always look on the bright side of life.

Sigh...  Having trouble focusing this morning.  I even made this little sign for my computer monitor a couple weeks ago but it's not helping...

DAY NINE, Part 1

Today's Note From the Universe makes me think...

"Like most things in life, Kimberly, getting what you want, or doing something new, or being really honest with yourself, is typically very, very hard for first timers, but then... it becomes patently, ridiculously, absurdly and preposterously EASY for the rest of eternity.

I'd say do it right, nail it, whatever it takes, because "easy" is good, and eternity is long.

Comprende?
The Universe"

So what am I?  A first timer?  Because it's still proving to be difficult to get what I want...

I'm rethinking having put the sweater into the box in my closet.  Would I like to finish it for CL-WoW?  Yes!  But even if not for him, I spent A LOT of time on that sweater already.  And I like wearing sweaters.  So, I'm thinking about taking it out and finishing it for myself.  I can always use another sweater, even if that one is a man sweater and will be huge on me.  At least it will be comfy...

DAY EIGHT, Part 3

THANK YOU to my dear friend Amber, a fellow Pisces, for letting me wallow today and for a great conversation which showed me the direction that I should be going in, rather than staying in the stagnant place I have been settling in...

 I am going to start painting again when I either 1) get my oil paints, canvasses and easels back from DH, or 2) have money to buy new paints, canvasses and an easel.

I shared with her my "Slingshots of Shit" theory, and she suggested that my collection be called S.O.S.  I agree.  So, my first paintings will be based on some of the happenings in my life.  Of course I'll be posting pictures as these paintings are completed, but in the meantime, donations will be accepted for the purchase of my art supplies!  :-)

DAY EIGHT, Part 2

I had to look...

According to Dream Moods, zombie dreams mean...

Zombie
1 - To see or dream that you are a zombie, suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

2 - To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

WoW...  That SUCKS!

DAY EIGHT, Part 1

Thank you to my friends and family for keeping me strong today.  There are definitely days that are harder than others along this journey, and today is one of them.

Besides it being difficult just going through what I am, today is the first anniversary of Grandpa's death.  He died on Super Bowl Sunday last year, and I'm sure he and Grandma (who died two months later) had great seats at last night's game, despite the fact that they were Buffalo Bills fans.

This is Grandpa with Things 1 and 2 in 2006...

It took me a little longer than planned, but I finished the third block of my blanket yesterday morning.  It had a lot of (simple) cabling, and I'm really happy with how it turned out even though it seems narrower than the other two.  See below...

Thing 2 and I both had dreams about zombies the other night, which I find EXTREMELY strange.  Mine, however, was Shawn of the Dead based, and I was fighting my way through zombies to rescue CL-WoW.  The only difference was, I was Shaun (in female form) and CL-WoW was Liz (in male form).  And I DID have some red on me!

I just find it strange that Thing 2 and I both had zombie dreams that night.  What does that mean?

DAY SEVEN

I opened a bakery in my kitchen this morning, or so it seemed, and then managed to crank out six dozen plus cookies and a couple batches of the Aunt Flushy's pretzels. Why? The three of us were invited to a Super Bowl party (go Packers!) and we met a lot of very nice people.

My favorite cookies to make right now are Peanut Butter Blossoms.  Aunt Flushy's recipe is awesome, but I won't share it.  :-)

But now I'm pooped and already in bed...

DAY SIX

I'm so glad I decided to take the weekends off when I have the boys.  Today has been a lovely day, even though we've been at home, playing WoW or Smash Brothers on the Wii.  The apartment is clean, due to an impromptu cleaning session this evening, and Thing 1 even helped vacuum.

I've been working on my blanket and I'll be finishing the third block tonight.  But here are the first two...

So...  Three blocks down, only a hundred or so to go...

DAY FIVE - Part 3

Ahhhh... A three hour rest after work and dinner with my boys has left me completely refreshed!  However now it's 11:25pm, and I'm awake with no intention of going to sleep soon and no clue what of what to do with myself.

Work was hectic today, as our District Manager made a surprise visit for the day, and despite his attempts to improve the restaurant, he seemed to slow us all down with constant interuptions and meetings.  I'm just glad I wasn't called out on, and he didn't notice that I forgot to put on my non-slip shoes at first.

Childcare continues to be an area of frustration for me...  I'm not receiving child support as of yet, and despite DH's lawyer's word that he would pay for childcare, I have not seen those funds yet either.  I won't deny that I am receiving assistance, however, the terms for the assistance only allow for a specific 6 hours per day, 1/2 hour of which the daycare is closed.  On days like today when school is once again cancelled because of the weather, I am left scrambling trying to find a place for Things 1 and 2 to go before they can go to daycare.  My friends have been wonderful in their willingness to help me over the past two months, however there's only so many times I can ask them to be a Mom-taxi for me.  I would like to just put them in full-time day-care, however that is just so far out of my budget.  It's almost a Catch-22 actually.  I have gotten a second job as a furniture rep covering Lima to Cincinnati, however I can't really start that position until I have full-time daycare.  And I can't pay for full-time daycare until I start the job and start making sales.  I've seen this so many times in the past in the interior design industry.  How are you supposed to get experience in a particular niche in the design industry (i.e. hospitality or retail) if no one will give you the opportunity to get experience?  OK...  So maybe it's not exactly the SAME thing.  But it feels like it...

DAY FIVE - Part 2

Song of the day...  Ah, Nina Simone...



Lyrics, if you want to sing along...

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

I'm feeling good

DAY FIVE - Part 1

Everyday I get an email from the Universe.  While you might think it sounds corny, I love receiving them.  (If you're interested in receiving them as well, you can sign up here.)

Anyway, I LOVE today's email...

"Being fair and reasonable will earn you respect and admiration, but being genuinely kind, Kimberly, will make you a total love magnet.

Pucker up,
The Universe"

The site goes along with my belief in the Law of Attraction, Abraham Hicks and positive thinking.  Their theory is "Thought becomes things."  So think positively, friends, and the (positive) results you are desiring will manifest themselves!

DAY FOUR - Part 4

I have to say "Thank You, Bobbie!" for this one!  When telling her about my epiphany, she started saying the lyrics to this song, which I absolutely love, and have thought about many times since I heard it years ago...

If you haven't heard the song, press play...



"Stand Beside Me" ~ JoDee Messina

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs
And I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis, workin' down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I'm sure of

I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me
Be true, don't tell lies to me
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man that who stands beside me

I didn't expect to see him, one hot July morning
His hair was longer but his eyes were the same old blue
He said, "I've missed you for so long. Oh baby, what can I do?"
I said, "I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart."

It's hard to
Tell him, "No" when I want him so bad
But I've got to be true to my heart
This time

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man who stands beside me
I want a man
Who stands beside me

Stand beside me........
Stand beside me........

DAY FOUR - Part 3

Who knew you could have an epiphany at the dentist's office? I'll spare you all the details, but I was sitting in the chair, looking at the light and I literally saw the light. No, not the light of death or heaven. But the light of what I need to be doing and be focusing on. And it wasn't what I have been focusing on. It's ME! Ahhh!

I must send out BIG thank yous to Heather, for hearing more than an earfull today, and for all the positive feedback she gave me.  Hugs!

DAY FOUR - Part 2

I am fully aware that I have other things I should be working on, for instance, my paperwork and arguements for my divorce Pre-Trial on March 21, however my mind is otherwise occupied.  One thing is...  buyers remorse...

I braved the icy roads yesterday and went over to Walmart to get away from the cabin fever I was suffering from.  Yes, I bought some things I needed...  Toilet paper and toilet bowl cleaner...  however I also found this comforter set on sale...

No, there is not a child or a dog in the middle under the covers.  I must admit, I sleep with a body pillow, thanks to the recommendation of a great person.  However, I was overwhelmed when I saw this set there.  Is it the same one as I had seen at Kohl's?  No!  But it's pretty close and was 1/6 of the price!  So...  yay for me!  Back to work tomorrow though!

DAY FOUR - Part 1

I know I'll be writing more today, but I had to sign in and say that today is starting better than last night ended.  After posting my DAY THREE entry, I decided I needed to get my attitude turned around and start thinking positively again.  I know something and somebody good WILL come my way.  And I know I just need to visualize it to manifest it.

The snow/ice messed up a date I had planned for last night, but aside from that I didn't even talk to him yesterday.  A single dad with custody of his children, I know and appreciate the amount of stuff he has to do on yet another unplanned snow day.  However, (hint hint), a little bit of contact goes a LOOOONG way with me.

Aunt Flushy was going to meet me in Cleveland Sunday night with a lot of G-ma's furniture (including a couch, dressers, and a REAL Queen sized bed, although my air mattress doesn't bother me), however with this weather those plans have been pushed back.  I don't know if I was looking more forward to the furniture or seeing family.  Honestly, I think it was the latter.  Hugs from family members mean so much, however I miss hugs that last for hours and feel like dancing even though we're standing still.

I've decided to focus on summer.  Forget this crappy winter.  Well, not all crappy, just the weather and breaking-up part.  I'm going to focus on the boys' Junior Baseball starting in April, and a pool membership in June.  I'm going to soak up some sun and smile.  Maybe that's what I need to visualize when I go to bed every night...  The upcoming sunshine and warm weather...

DAY THREE

So this post is a little late... I just had to go to bed. You who know me know I try my hardest to be optimistic, however last night, and even now, I'm feeling bitter. Sigh...

I really don't know what to write because I fear I'll scare away anyone who doesn't know me yet. But why do people feel the need to mess up something good? No... Something GREAT? I'm trying my hardest to move forward, however my heart wants to know why it had to end. Well, maybe my head wants to know in hopes that my heart will feel better...

I have come to despise 1-4am. Please, God, let me find a way to find comfort in these hours again.

DAY TWO

What an interesting day...  I sit here all toasty warm despite the freezing rain that is pelting my windows, thanks to my abundant supply of sweatpants and sweaters, and I'm...  content...  I worked this morning/afternoon at my part-time fast food-ish job, and for once my mind wasn't occupied with all the stuff I needed to tackle outside of work.  I was actually happy to be at work and with my co-workers, whom I am growing to admire and respect.  Despite being 10 years plus older than most of them I am realizing that most of them have lessons to teach me about life.  And I appreciate every one of them.

It took me 45 minutes and a rubber mallet to get into my car this morning, and I still managed to clock in on-time.  Yay for me!  Among other things, I have learned over the past two months how to effectively manage my time.  Two hours into my shift, however, and with a half-full dining room, the smoke alarms started going off.  SKS, one of the managers, explained to the customers what was going on and told them that unfortunately they needed to vacate the premises.  To my coworkers and my surprise, many of the customers were visably and verbally upset that we were asking (and helping!) them to leave.  "Would you like a lid or a bag for your food?", we asked, however we were given grunts and rude remarks in response.  Come on, people!  We, your faithful food servers and preparers, braved our own lives on this miserable weather day to go to work so you could enjoy your meal.  We didn't/don't want you to die eating it!  Apparently there was an exhaust pipe on the roof (or something like that) malfunctioning and it took two hours (because of the road conditions) to get the part in, so the restaurant had to remained closed until 4:30.  Unfortunately, right after the line opened back up, a Level 3 weather emergency came in.  While I was on my way out anyways, I felt bad for my co-workers who had just come in for the shift change.  Three of them don't have cars, and right away I felt amazingly thankful for all that I have.  Yea, it will be scary adding the car expense to my budget in the next couple of months, but I'll figure out a way to do it.  And I'll be proud to send out the check(s) every month.  I'm already thinking about getting a vanity plate for my car, just because I can...  ha ha!

Right before Christmas I began knitting a sweater for someone who was in my life at the time.  Although still in my life, but not in the same way, last week I packed up the yarn and unfinished sweater front and stuck it all in a box in my closet.  I am thinking that beginning knitting again, even though it was that sweater that brought me back to the hobby, was a way to start stitching my life back together.  I won't deny that I've started another project, but this time it's a blanket for me, and I'll be elated when I finish it.  I've been saving my tip money from the job to buy a bedding set I found...  see below...  but until the day comes when I can afford it, I'll be knitting a blanket to accompany it.  All these little steps are what's making the new me, ME!

Well, dang!  This comforter is no longer available!  I'm sitting here smiling while writing this though.  Two weeks ago I probably would have been upset by it.  But now...  I'm almost...  Relieved!  Like everything else in my life, finding something perfect takes time.  And if this set isn't available anymore, than it just wasn't meant to be.  I'm not going to stop working on my blanket though.  Maybe that's why I started working on it, and just didn't know it.  The colors are my favorites, and although they went with this comforter, I will go on looking for another until I find the one that's just right for me.  Who knows?!  Maybe I'll find something on clearance somewhere that I like even better?!  Hmmm, couldn't that be said for all parts of my life, even if they're not on clearance?

Thank you again to all the people who make me smile on a daily basis, even if you have just entered my life.  I truly appreciate you and the warmth you put in my heart.

Now I have to admit...  I'm curious about the plate set I liked...

Yay!  Still available!  They're so bright and uplifting to me, I couldn't help but to "Favorite" the page the first time I saw them.

Well, back to knitting, and cleaning out the DVR.  XOXO.

DAY ONE

There's so much I could write about the last 14 years, or even about the last two months for that matter, but I've decided that I'm going to focus on today, tomorrow and beyond.  I curled up into bed ready to hibernate for the rest of the winter tonight, and started dwelling on the crappiness I have endured.  For those of you who know me, you know religion hasn't ever been a big part of my life, and it wasn't until the weekend following December 8 that I attended church...  for the first time in....  14 years for a non-wedding event.  But tonight in bed I prayed.  I asked God to tell me what to do.  I can't say I heard a response or have felt one yet, however I did get an hour and a half nap.  And it was dreamless, a miracle in its own right.

I've always had vivid dreams, but lately they have been bittersweet.  I wake thinking wonderful people from my past have re-entered my life in the positive place we left off...  usually where I was clueless and didn't see the slingshot of shit headed in my direction.  While I'd love to be able to go back to those days and change the course that followed thereafter, I have begun to realize that it was good, although it hurts terribly at times, that I took the road I did.  Perhaps I don't see the true benefits yet, I am praying to see why it played out this way somewhere down the road.

I received more court papers today, and again, I cried.  While I was afraid the last time that I was going to lose my boys, today I just wanted a hug...  And a map. Despite the scariness the last time I received papers, at that time I thought I had a positive and certain vision of my future.  Today the road looked empty despite blue skies.  I'm not a fan of uncertainty.  I want a road map telling me where this journey will take me. 

In the meantime, THANK YOU to those of you who have entered my life along my road so far.  I appreciate all you have done for me, and I hope you know you can count on me whenever you need a hug or anything in return.

And thank you, Robert Frost...  and to the boy who introduced me to this poem 16 years ago...

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

**Disclaimer...  If you're a part of my life, you will inevitably be mentioned in my blog at some point.  Unless I have permission from you, I will not use your name, and I will NEVER use your last name.  Until that point, if it ever comes, you will be given a nickname which you probably know already.  My apologies in advance if you are offended.  But this is my blog, and unless you want novel-length emails and texts from me on a daily basis, I think you'll agree that I can type it out.