I'll start with a little bit about optimism and keeping a positive attitude. This weekend was hindered by a dark cloud that I won't really get into, however I'm amazed by the positive attitude that some can keep, despite the rolling thunderstorms that seem to pop up on a random, unpredictable schedule. While some people in my life have an amazing (and to me un-admirable) ability to pick out all that doesn't work in their lives, those that pick out the good when the thunderstorms roll in have my support through anything. I certainly don't want or intend to be a fair weather friend, however those who can keep their chins up and keep smiling give me so much more hope about my own abilities to work through the storms in my life. So keep it, lovely. Keep smiling. Keep laughing. I love you and I'll be there for you through it all.
Moving on...
Being in love, and I mean REALLY in love, has made me feel almost bad for laughing... er, scoffing... at lines in movies when the actors said how love felt. Take Sleepless in Seattle for example. Tom Hanks' character says that when he and his deceased wife would touch it would feel like *magic*. I remember rolling my eyes at this line numerous times. "Yea, right." I would think. Love can't possibly feel like that. But folks, it does. And I'm in awe to actually be able to experience it for myself. I never imagined being with someone who would give me butterflies anytime I thought of him, and even more so whenever I see him. Someone who makes my arm tingle when he touches it, and makes me feel beautiful.. all the time...
I hope you all can feel this type of love someday if you don't already have it. To me, being able to give you this would be the best gift possible. Unfortunately I don't fly around in a diaper with wings on my back and a bow and arrow in my hand. But if I see cupid and know you're looking I'll send him your way.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
DAY 163, Post 1
It never ceases to amaze me how completely miserable some people are willing to be 24/7. Whether they be friends, family, exes or co-workers, I just want to smack them into a state of contented bliss. Even during my lowest times, I did not allow myself to walk around in a state where I allowed myself to be a bitch to everyone around me.
The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him. I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it. DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house. To me, this is not acceptable. When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand. They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle. We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys. But for him, that is not possible.
Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails. To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago. My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate.
Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman. The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her. And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life. Well, except with DH. Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.
The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him. I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it. DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house. To me, this is not acceptable. When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand. They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle. We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys. But for him, that is not possible.
Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails. To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago. My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate.
Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman. The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her. And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life. Well, except with DH. Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DAY 65, Post 3
Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
DAY 62, Post 5
I'm struggling tonight. With loneliness... With hurt... With worry. With anguish... With frustration. With too many thoughts... And I can't stand it.
I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?
Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.
I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?
Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.
Monday, March 28, 2011
DAY 57, Post 5
Now I'm 95% sure about what I saw earlier. And instead of being angry, I'm just sad.
Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this? I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before? I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.
I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish. An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is. And it sucks. Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.
While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful. And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others. And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit... Be honest already! What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be? Only more hurt for you AND other people!
Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this? I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before? I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.
I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish. An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is. And it sucks. Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.
While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful. And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others. And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit... Be honest already! What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be? Only more hurt for you AND other people!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
DAY 52, Post 4
I'm not feeling great right now. After I went shopping I got stuck in a thunderstorm/hail storm, and sat in my car knitting and listening to music for a bit. I'm changing tomorrow's Song of the Day, so you can listen to the song then, but the lyrics are here... I hadn't read them before, or really listened to them, and I honestly thought they were more... Religious... When I added them to the playlist I put them on.
But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel. And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel. And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
Sunday, March 13, 2011
DAY 42, Post 2
I'm feeling a little bit like a Mercy Me song I've been listening to...
"I'm finding myself
At a loss for words
And the funny thing is
It's ok."
~Word of God Speak
This past week was interesting... Good, bad, easy, difficult, funny, sad, etc. I really don't know what, if anything, I could say about it.
Entertaining enough, however, was work yesterday. The hot water heater broke, again, so the restaurant had to shut down for a bit at 3:30ish. I was off at 4, however, so it didn't impact me. I hadn't gotten a break, so I helped reduce some of the inventory before they had to throw it out by eating before leaving. While I was eating, the evening shift crew started cleaning, preparing for a solid close. One of the workers was cleaning the fryer (I think) and the next thing I knew, I heard yelling and saw flames, small flames, coming from the fryer. It's funny how some people, including myself, don't know how to put out a grease fire. Luckily someone knew and threw salt on the flames.
Tonight I tried out the Singles Group at Ginghamsburg. I was younger than everyone else by about 15 years and for me that was sort of difficult. I can't explain it, but to say I was looking for people closer to my age who would know what I'm going through. While some of them knew and understood, I just felt... Awkward. I decided to leave at "Intermission" and come home.
CT and I hung out for the past two nights, and Julie helped me organize my inventory on Friday night. Thank you, Julie! I made pasta on Friday night for CT and I, and I have to say that a highlight of the evening was the pasta readiness test... After we had already eaten. There is a secret to throwing pasta, and sometimes it sticks better than others.
Right now I'm watching the portion of Star Trek (the movie) that I slept through last night. We started off the night with Jackass 3 and pizza from Cassanos (thank you, Bronco!!), but I just couldn't last through a second movie. I don't think I've ever been able to last through two movies. Jackass 3, by the way, is hilarious, but also gag-inducing. I'm just glad the boys didn't see it. I don't even want to think about the crazy ideas they would get watching it.
Now, I think it's laundry time for me. So much to fold, and I believe a clean apartment would make me feel better. Unfortunately all the scrapbooking supplies I recovered are taking up a huge amount of space.
"I'm finding myself
At a loss for words
And the funny thing is
It's ok."
~Word of God Speak
This past week was interesting... Good, bad, easy, difficult, funny, sad, etc. I really don't know what, if anything, I could say about it.
Entertaining enough, however, was work yesterday. The hot water heater broke, again, so the restaurant had to shut down for a bit at 3:30ish. I was off at 4, however, so it didn't impact me. I hadn't gotten a break, so I helped reduce some of the inventory before they had to throw it out by eating before leaving. While I was eating, the evening shift crew started cleaning, preparing for a solid close. One of the workers was cleaning the fryer (I think) and the next thing I knew, I heard yelling and saw flames, small flames, coming from the fryer. It's funny how some people, including myself, don't know how to put out a grease fire. Luckily someone knew and threw salt on the flames.
Tonight I tried out the Singles Group at Ginghamsburg. I was younger than everyone else by about 15 years and for me that was sort of difficult. I can't explain it, but to say I was looking for people closer to my age who would know what I'm going through. While some of them knew and understood, I just felt... Awkward. I decided to leave at "Intermission" and come home.
CT and I hung out for the past two nights, and Julie helped me organize my inventory on Friday night. Thank you, Julie! I made pasta on Friday night for CT and I, and I have to say that a highlight of the evening was the pasta readiness test... After we had already eaten. There is a secret to throwing pasta, and sometimes it sticks better than others.
Right now I'm watching the portion of Star Trek (the movie) that I slept through last night. We started off the night with Jackass 3 and pizza from Cassanos (thank you, Bronco!!), but I just couldn't last through a second movie. I don't think I've ever been able to last through two movies. Jackass 3, by the way, is hilarious, but also gag-inducing. I'm just glad the boys didn't see it. I don't even want to think about the crazy ideas they would get watching it.
Now, I think it's laundry time for me. So much to fold, and I believe a clean apartment would make me feel better. Unfortunately all the scrapbooking supplies I recovered are taking up a huge amount of space.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
DAY 32, Post 2
I went to bed last night thinking I would fall asleep peacefully, but, I didn't. I worried. All night. I suppose I never got rid of my childhood nickname of "Worrywart."
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
DAY 31, Post 4
I won't deny that today started off really rough for me. REALLY rough...
I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December. I was weighed again, and today was down to 151. Last week I was 154. December 1 I was 170 pounds. She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on. I just broke down... again... I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha. But now it's official! Down 60 pounds since January 2010!
After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me. I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now. Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me. I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car. And health insurance. Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me. I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.
To CL-WoW... I doubt you're reading this but thank you... The hour today meant the world to me. Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.
I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December. I was weighed again, and today was down to 151. Last week I was 154. December 1 I was 170 pounds. She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on. I just broke down... again... I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha. But now it's official! Down 60 pounds since January 2010!
After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me. I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now. Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me. I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car. And health insurance. Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me. I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.
To CL-WoW... I doubt you're reading this but thank you... The hour today meant the world to me. Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.
DAY 31, Post 3
I'm doing pretty well tackling my to-do list, although right now I'm at the doctors office waiting to be seen. So far I've done all the dishes, cleaned out my car, cleaned and vacuumed my room, cleaned my bathroom (with the exception of the toilet), cleaned the half-bath (again, with the exception of the toilet), and done a ton of laundry. I've also hung most of the pictures, but I found a couple more I want to put up.
My to-do list doesn't seem to be distracting me very well though. I'm still thinking way too much. And although I appreciate all of the birthday wishes I've received, I'm sorry that I haven't responded to one of them personally yet. I'd rather just think of today as any other day where I don't have to work. I don't feel like thinking about it being by birthday. It's just not a happy day for me...
Monday, February 28, 2011
DAY 29, Post 2
It's nearly 5am and storming for the third time tonight. Everytime the storms have come in Penny has started barking her head off, and this time the boys are awake too. Some teachers are going to have lots of grumpy kids on their hands today. Heck, I'm going to be grumpy too.
I've got a job interview at 2pm this afternoon. I was supposed to have this interview six weeks about but cancelled it due to everything that happened the day before, and also the expectation that the job with DWA would go somewhere. Well... The job with DWA went nowhere and I'm tired of (not even) living paycheck to paycheck so I decided to call the man back. Luckily he hasn't filled the position and was still interested in talking to me. Thankfully I had only told him about the DWA job offer, so I could tell him that the job never started.
Another strike of lightening. I just want to get in my car and drive. Thankfully the lack of gas in my gas tank and nearly empty bank account are keeping me home. I have a feeling the empty roads would make me feel worse than I do right now.
I've got a job interview at 2pm this afternoon. I was supposed to have this interview six weeks about but cancelled it due to everything that happened the day before, and also the expectation that the job with DWA would go somewhere. Well... The job with DWA went nowhere and I'm tired of (not even) living paycheck to paycheck so I decided to call the man back. Luckily he hasn't filled the position and was still interested in talking to me. Thankfully I had only told him about the DWA job offer, so I could tell him that the job never started.
Another strike of lightening. I just want to get in my car and drive. Thankfully the lack of gas in my gas tank and nearly empty bank account are keeping me home. I have a feeling the empty roads would make me feel worse than I do right now.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
DAY 17, Part 3
Brilliant me. I showed up to work two hours early. So now I'm home looking up the seven stages of grief...
According to Recover From Grief.com, they are...
According to Recover From Grief.com, they are...
- Shock and Denial - Yup, I've been there.
- Pain and Guilt - Yup, been there too.
- Anger and Bargaining - That's me!
- "Depression", Reflection, Lonliness - Been there...
- The upward turn - Not there yet...
- Reconstruction and working through - Will come in time...
- Acceptance and hope - Working on that...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
DAY 16, Part 1
It was a rough day at work. I was talking to a coworker and she said to me, "You can't ride a dead horse." Well, what if the horse isn't dead but just wants to walk for a while? I couldn't help but to think about this for the rest of the day... Seven hours. Obviously I'm still thinking about it now.
I was making chips and one of my managers said, "Kim, your chips are missing something! A smile!". I burst into tears. My coworkers know I'm going through a divorce and am having a hard time with a couple other "issues", but they know me to be an up-beat woman, normally full of smiles. Crying was definitely not something I wanted to do at work... Ever. I must have needed a good, short cry though, as I was able to joke and laugh for the two hours after that. I LOVE my coworkers!
For the rest of day I tried to think purely of a song in my head... I'm Alright by JoDee Messina. "It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight and I guess I'm doin' alright!"
So... The "dead" horse. I'm not giving up on it altogether. Maybe it's not meant to be ridden again, haha. But it can be kept well and nurtured and known that somebody cares about it. I think I'm going to give it a month in the pasture to take care of itself and mend, and maybe I'll check in then.
In the meantime I'm going to try to plan an inexpensive birthday day of pampering for myself. My hands look like shit, I could use a haircut, and my body just HURTS. I've been putting all my tip money into a jar (thanks to CL-WoW) and my friend Chris recommended saving it for Christmas. I think I'll use it on my birthday and save for the rest of the year for Christmas.
If you're reading this, I'd love to know! Please post comments if/when you have any.
XOXO,
Me
I was making chips and one of my managers said, "Kim, your chips are missing something! A smile!". I burst into tears. My coworkers know I'm going through a divorce and am having a hard time with a couple other "issues", but they know me to be an up-beat woman, normally full of smiles. Crying was definitely not something I wanted to do at work... Ever. I must have needed a good, short cry though, as I was able to joke and laugh for the two hours after that. I LOVE my coworkers!
For the rest of day I tried to think purely of a song in my head... I'm Alright by JoDee Messina. "It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight and I guess I'm doin' alright!"
So... The "dead" horse. I'm not giving up on it altogether. Maybe it's not meant to be ridden again, haha. But it can be kept well and nurtured and known that somebody cares about it. I think I'm going to give it a month in the pasture to take care of itself and mend, and maybe I'll check in then.
In the meantime I'm going to try to plan an inexpensive birthday day of pampering for myself. My hands look like shit, I could use a haircut, and my body just HURTS. I've been putting all my tip money into a jar (thanks to CL-WoW) and my friend Chris recommended saving it for Christmas. I think I'll use it on my birthday and save for the rest of the year for Christmas.
If you're reading this, I'd love to know! Please post comments if/when you have any.
XOXO,
Me
DAY 15, Part 2
I'm a little bit late, but I want to keep up my daily blogging...
My manager scheduled me for 4pm - close today and I thought I would get some sleep this morning but I still woke up at 7:30 wide awake. Grrrr... I was up for an hour and then went back to sleep for a bit, but I had a bad dream about CL-WoW...
In the dream I was trying to meet him for coffee (a current/constant dilemma anyway) and he told me his job was in chaos (one week on, one week off) and was moving back to ND. I don't have a clue where I was in my dream but I tried to get to him as fast as I could and couldn't find my way out of the town I was in to save my life. I woke up crying and completely frustrated.
Again, I'm so grateful for the awesome co-workers I have and my friends and family for bringing a smile to my face. I managed to get through this day without driving a motorized cart through the V-Day displays, and made over $5 in tips in the process. Yay me!
This picture, by the way, is what happens to my hands in my current job. Nice, huh?
My manager scheduled me for 4pm - close today and I thought I would get some sleep this morning but I still woke up at 7:30 wide awake. Grrrr... I was up for an hour and then went back to sleep for a bit, but I had a bad dream about CL-WoW...
In the dream I was trying to meet him for coffee (a current/constant dilemma anyway) and he told me his job was in chaos (one week on, one week off) and was moving back to ND. I don't have a clue where I was in my dream but I tried to get to him as fast as I could and couldn't find my way out of the town I was in to save my life. I woke up crying and completely frustrated.
Again, I'm so grateful for the awesome co-workers I have and my friends and family for bringing a smile to my face. I managed to get through this day without driving a motorized cart through the V-Day displays, and made over $5 in tips in the process. Yay me!
This picture, by the way, is what happens to my hands in my current job. Nice, huh?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
DAY 13
Wow... Day 13. Maybe I'm just sleep deprived but I find it coincidental that I worked 13 hours today. 5 hours of overtime so YAY me!
I really don't have that much to write so don't be surprised that this one's short. Today had its highs and lows, and I think I dealt with the lows alright. Money is a constant concern right now, but it will work itself out soon enough... Hopefully...
I really don't have that much to write so don't be surprised that this one's short. Today had its highs and lows, and I think I dealt with the lows alright. Money is a constant concern right now, but it will work itself out soon enough... Hopefully...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
DAY 11
Ha ha ha ha. I can't think of any other emotion to describe how I feel about something I did last night...
I had a bad morning, but thanks to friends I was able to get back into better spirits and went to work feeling good. I had to close last night (a highlight of my day, especially cleaning the drains in the men's and women's rooms) but was lucky enough to be able to hang out with a friend after getting home...
And this is what I did...
Did it give me the answers I was looking for? No. Did it give me the ability to move on entirely without thinking about him? No. But damn, it felt GOOD! The sweater is still safe, and I'm thinking about finishing it, if even for myself and then it would be backless, but I'll just think of it as a "Snuggie" knitted sweater blanket. Complete with sleeves and a hood.
I just got off work and home from a long shift today... 10am - 5pm. Being in there at 10am is hard after leaving at 11:30 the night before. I think I got two hours of sleep last night. The boys are thankfully being great tonight, playing with Penny and on the Wii. I think I'll relax for a little bit before figuring out what to do with the rest of my night.
I had a bad morning, but thanks to friends I was able to get back into better spirits and went to work feeling good. I had to close last night (a highlight of my day, especially cleaning the drains in the men's and women's rooms) but was lucky enough to be able to hang out with a friend after getting home...
And this is what I did...
Did it give me the answers I was looking for? No. Did it give me the ability to move on entirely without thinking about him? No. But damn, it felt GOOD! The sweater is still safe, and I'm thinking about finishing it, if even for myself and then it would be backless, but I'll just think of it as a "Snuggie" knitted sweater blanket. Complete with sleeves and a hood.
I just got off work and home from a long shift today... 10am - 5pm. Being in there at 10am is hard after leaving at 11:30 the night before. I think I got two hours of sleep last night. The boys are thankfully being great tonight, playing with Penny and on the Wii. I think I'll relax for a little bit before figuring out what to do with the rest of my night.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
DAY TEN, Post 2
Once again, my friends and family are amazing. And I'm sorry I can't listen to everything you say. But I hear what you're telling me, and I love that you are there to listen to me when I need to vent.
I found myself in bed at 11:30 this morning, trying to sleep so I could get over my depression. It didn't work. But a couple of great people felt the vibe and started texting me. Now I'm up, tackling the mess of this apartment, and actually looking forward to going to work this evening. I work straight through Sunday, but at least I'll have some money at the end of next week!
I won't deny... I've been contemplating going into the local grocery stores and taking down the Valentine's Day displays with one of their motorized shopping carts. "Oops! I lost control!" But I know that wouldn't look good in the eyes of the judge at the divorce or final custody hearings. So...
Julie, my neighbor, had a wonderful idea. I'm going to take Thing 1 and Thing 2 out on a date. Or maybe we'll have a date in. Order a pizza, get a new movie, play board games, and enjoy each other's company and nothing else for the whole night. Suddenly that f-ing holiday (no pun intended) doesn't look so bad...
I found myself in bed at 11:30 this morning, trying to sleep so I could get over my depression. It didn't work. But a couple of great people felt the vibe and started texting me. Now I'm up, tackling the mess of this apartment, and actually looking forward to going to work this evening. I work straight through Sunday, but at least I'll have some money at the end of next week!
I won't deny... I've been contemplating going into the local grocery stores and taking down the Valentine's Day displays with one of their motorized shopping carts. "Oops! I lost control!" But I know that wouldn't look good in the eyes of the judge at the divorce or final custody hearings. So...
Julie, my neighbor, had a wonderful idea. I'm going to take Thing 1 and Thing 2 out on a date. Or maybe we'll have a date in. Order a pizza, get a new movie, play board games, and enjoy each other's company and nothing else for the whole night. Suddenly that f-ing holiday (no pun intended) doesn't look so bad...
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