The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I started this post yesterday...

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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.

The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests.  While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise.  My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of.  Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them.  The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.

While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous.  In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."

What's next? 

That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...

What's going to burden my life next?  What's going to make my life better next?  How do I take care of this medical issue?  In general...  What's next?

I can only answer the 3rd of these questions.  On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix.  In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives.  1.  These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous.  2.  This will not affect my ability to have children.  3.  Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.

Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry.  Scared that this won't be the end of it.  Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous.  Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened.  Scared that I won't see my boys grow up.  Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave.  Scared in general...

But I have to interupt those thoughts.  Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns.  So I turn to God.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
   they walk and don't lag behind.

DAY 38, Post 2

So, for the time being, my blog is private.  A LOT has happened in the past week, and after a stint in the hospital yesterday I realized with no uncertainty that I have NOT been focused on what I needed to be focused on, especially my health.

I'm down to 148 pounds now, not a place I should have gotten to the way I did.  Lack of eating and way too much worrying about things and people I couldn't help.  After throwing up, starting to shake and nearly passing out at work, I went to the hospital where the doctor told me there is a bad virus going through town.  But come on.  I know more than she does.  I NEED to be taking care of me.  Now's the time (not that it wasn't three months or 32 years ago) to be honest with myself...  And others...

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not going to hurt people with my honesty.  But I have to enter this next part of my life doing what I know to be the right thing to do.  Right morally, right ethically, and right personally for me and my boys.

Tonight I am having dinner with JTS, my neighbor (will you give me permission to use your first name?  Haha), and then I hope to go to Ash Wednesday service at Ginghamsburg.  I've spent a lot of time in the last two days praying.  Praying for God to give me strength and guide me into a better tomorrow.  I know there's something better in store for me, but I wish I knew what it was and what all I'm doing now is preparing me for.  Patience is a virtue though, and I suppose I need to hold my horses.

I need to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped me for the past two days, both emotionally and physically.  YOU are my rock.

DAY 31, Post 4

I won't deny that today started off really rough for me.  REALLY rough...

I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December.  I was weighed again, and today was down to 151.  Last week I was 154.  December 1 I was 170 pounds.  She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on.  I just broke down...  again...  I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha.  But now it's official!  Down 60 pounds since January 2010!

After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me.  I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now.  Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me.  I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car.  And health insurance.  Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't.  And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me.  I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.

To CL-WoW...  I doubt you're reading this but thank you...  The hour today meant the world to me.  Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.