DAY 69, Post 2

Tonight I went to the recovery service at Ginghamsburg Church, and unlike my last experience there, tonight was VERY powerful.  And I walked out feeling uplifted and with a new purpose.

Tonight, I take my step back.  No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW...  For at least a month or two.  Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness.  And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself.  And I can do this no longer.  And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself.  And I can't do this any longer either.

But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness.  Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible.  Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.

So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts.  I will pray that he and his situation improve.  I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him.  And I know I will dream of him.  And I will continue to love him.  And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.

BUT...  I will be more adament in focusing on my faith.  Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night.  Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness.  And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on.  I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer...  repeatedly.  And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly.  And tonight at service we said it again.  And oh, what a blessing that was.

As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed.  I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ.  They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ.  And that is what I need to do as well.  So, thank you to my fellow service attendees.  You are an inspiration to me.  May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.

DAY 43, Post 2

It was an emotional day at work, and for once the emotions weren't from me. I must say, as bad as I felt for the two emotional ones, I found comfort in knowing I'm not the only one who gets emotional there to the point of tears. I think one of my co-workers is having a hard time with the requirements of the job, and the lack of a break that is sometimes received (especially by the opening shift), and I found myself reminding myself how thankful I am just to have a job.

Today marks T minus one-month to D-Day. Nine years ago I was counting down the days to the wedding, and now I'm looking forward to having my single life back to myself, officially. Can I even call it a single life though, considering now I have two boys, a dog and a very fat cat to support?

I got home today to find a notice in the mail that my Food Stamps have been terminated as of the end of this month due to child support. As scary as this could be for me, I'm not scared. Somehow I know everything will work out. I don't know how yet, but I know it will.

DAY 30, Post 4

What a beautiful day! I'm taking a quick breather before I go get the boys. I think we'll have to go outside for a while when we get home. Penny will enjoy running around with them a bit.

I had my appointment with my attorney this afternoon after work and she left me with a lot of hope, including about next Monday's custody hearing. I feel REALLY good about that.

I didn't hear anything about the Cross County Care Package... Yet... The postman said it should be delivered today, and I really hope it was. I composed an email this morning concerning it, and sent it this afternoon, so that if there is backlash or negativity about it I can direct him to read the email. I can't imagine myself getting upset about receiving a care package though... From anyone... I guess only time will tell.

DAY 30, Post 2

Yea, another 2am post. I fell asleep with Thing 2 in his bed last night and woke up 15 minutes ago feeling incredibly selfish. Why? Because I want to spend time with somebody on my birthday. And I know he has stuff he wants/needs to be focusing on and it's not me... Right now.

I don't know that it WILL ever be me again. And I feel like a hypocrite. I have that "Focus on what you NEED! Not what you want..." sign on my monitor and I'm not allowing him to do that. I want to be there for him, but... I don't want to make him angry by asking for time away from what he NEEDS to be focusing on. Even if I'm only trying to do it as a friend.

His birthday is coming up too. March 19. Another Pisces. I'd LOVE to celebrate that day with him. Start year #31 off right and with a smile and laughter. Way back when I had taken the day off work. I never gave it back. But that's HIS day, and I hope he finds everything he's looking for on it. And I hope "K" is still in town to celebrate it with him. (That's all I will say about "K.")

I won't deny that I have ideas about a birthday Cross County Care Package. However seeing as I woke up to my internet not working, possibly because I haven't paid the bill, it's hard to justify spending a penny on someone besides the boys and I. BUT, I'm a giving person. And even if I don't do the package, or don't do it in the way I would have liked, the thought it there. And it's the thought that counts, right? Or so society has taught us...

The thought IS there... Constantly.

DAY 29, Post 4

The Cross County Care Package was mailed today.  It will be there tomorrow.  I'm taking a deep breath and hoping it doesn't get a "oh f***" response from him.  I will continue to send them though.  The front of the sweater is almost completed, but he'll be getting a sleeve, the hoodie and front pocket before he gets the front or green sleeve.  I would hope that all the pieces would be reunited with both of us present, not just in one package or another.  A girl can hope, can't she?

I got my hours for work today and they are a little bit...  Depressing...  14 hours this week.  I had today off, have Wednesday (my birthday!) and Thursday off, and then don't work Saturday or Sunday because it's my weekend with the boys.  I'm really looking forward to going to church on Sunday though.  I just wish I didn't have to feel bad when the tithe basket goes by without a contribution from me.  It's amazing how much I can count every penny when I've been HORRIBLE about money in the past.

I think about all the things I want to do with my paychecks and child support (when it starts coming in), however I look at the little sign I put on my monitor and refocus...

Yes, there is the exception of CL-WoW.  However he's the only exception for the time being.  And I wouldn't so much call him a focus as a...  Distraction.  Little things keep reminding me of him and don't allow him to get out of my head.  So, I'll take that as a sign (yes, I believe in signs), that it's not time to let go yet.  Something will tell me if/when that time comes.

DAY 29, Post 3

One step forward, two steps back... Or maybe not. I had to let go of something that wasn't working today. No, it wasn't CL-WoW. But I realized I couldn't proceed with how things were going with CT when I was clearly hung up elsewhere. So... I'll sit here and wait.

A Cross-County Care Package is all set to be mailed, however I fear that it will piss him off. And that's the last thing I want to do. But I care. So when these little things kept showing up, I couldn't help but to gather them and wait til a package was full. And now it is.

I spent about two hours in my car this morning, just trying to get some clarity. I can't seem to think when I'm at home. Or, I can, but it's not necessarily the thoughts I'm looking for. I wound up at Schuler's Bakery, a place he raved about to me. I bought a donut that I haven't eaten yet. I don't know that I will. It just doesn't feel right.

Now I'm sitting outside of a 2pm job interview, clearing my head, on here, before I go in and knock the socks off them. :-). I had cancelled this same interview six weeks ago and last week decided to call and see if the job was still open. Wish me luck!

DAY 21, Post 2

Ahhh...  Today is...  NASCAR's opening day!  Ha ha.  I should be sitting here making my pick but my head and heart just aren't in it.  Yea, this city-chick-turned-country-hick is in a season-long NASCAR pool, thanks to my dear Aunt Flushy.

I started knitting Block 4 of my blanket last night and then started watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I made it through the first movie, but only 20 minutes of the second before falling asleep.

I've begun to resent checking my mail, email or postal mail.  Yesterday after getting back from the YMCA I checked the mail to find a ton of paperwork regarding the divorce.  I'm getting highly frustrated because I need to turn in paperwork this week and I still haven't been able to get my file cabinet, or even the files within it, from DH. 

Then when I checked my email this morning I had another response to an email I had made weeks ago for a surprise for CL-WoW.  Why the hell can't the universe just let me continue on my path without constantly reminding me of him?  The email was regarding his love for Deloreans (yes, the car from Back to the Future), and was telling me he could/can have a ride in one on March 4 in Cincinnati if he wants one.  Sigh...  I tried to set this up with such good intentions, so why does it make me feel so much like shit?

Thing 2 has a birthday party this afternoon with a Jedi training theme, and I'm trying to figure out something affordable to do with Thing 1 while that's going on.  Well, forget affordable.  Let's just be honest here.  Something FREE.  It will make me sound extremely cheap, but the $10 birthday present for this little boy REALLY doesn't fit into my budget.

Well, back to my NASCAR selection.  I don't want to get penalized the first race for not having made my pick!