Stress and Money: They Come and They Go

An hour later...

Suddenly, while I'm focused on doing the best job I can, and whistling while I work, I get a call that I don't want... My ex-husband, telling me that the kids are being refused from day care unless I go over and make a payment.

So I did.

Argh.

I don't have money for this. Yes, I got paid today and have money in my bank account to cover the check I had to write, but that severely impacts the other bills I have to pay. Rent (for February!), car insurance, food, gas for the car... Sigh... I NEED to find something else.

To top it off, the IRS website is no longer telling me the status of my (hefty) tax return. The site I used to file said I could receive my funds in as soon as 10 days. Today is day 10. So why, today, is the status of my return no longer showing up? Is my payment in process? Is it not coming? I'm not a fan of uncertainty.

And to say the least, I'm stressed.

Majorly, agonizingly, stressed.

I know what I need to do, but why is it so hard sometimes? Being a Christian I know I need to put my Faith in God to provide what I need, but I feel like I should be doing more.

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I started this post yesterday...

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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.

The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests.  While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise.  My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of.  Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them.  The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.

While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous.  In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."

What's next? 

That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...

What's going to burden my life next?  What's going to make my life better next?  How do I take care of this medical issue?  In general...  What's next?

I can only answer the 3rd of these questions.  On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix.  In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives.  1.  These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous.  2.  This will not affect my ability to have children.  3.  Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.

Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry.  Scared that this won't be the end of it.  Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous.  Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened.  Scared that I won't see my boys grow up.  Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave.  Scared in general...

But I have to interupt those thoughts.  Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns.  So I turn to God.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
   they walk and don't lag behind.

Take a Bite Out of Life!

I've decided that the cereal "Life" is very much like life itself.  If you let it sit there too long without tasting it, it will get soggy and stale.  So what are you waiting for?  Take a bite!

Last night I decided it was time to get back to knitting my dress.  I think I may have completed four rows (each row takes about 20 minutes to knit, uninterupted), which I feel good about.  I have no doubt that I'll have the dress finished in time, however I am concerned that it won't fit.  Is it a concern with cause?  No.  I have absolutely no reason to think it won't fit.  But if it doesn't, I would, crazily enough, like to knit it again so it does.  And in case you're wondering, either way I'll be selling the dress (custom-made for other people, not MY dress) on Etsy.

Tonight I would like to work on our invites for the small wedding.  We found a style we like on the internet, however the company wants $4+/card for what is essentially a 4x6 picture and envelope.  Using Photoshop I am planning on tweaking the design, making it our own and getting them printed at Walmart or Meijer.  Then we'll mount the pictures on good, Bazzill cardstock and send them out!  What this other company wanted $4.39/each for, we'll be able to make for under $1!  I'll post pictures of it when I'm finished.

I hate to close up a post this way, but I am going to ask for your prayers.  I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and have to wait up to two weeks for biopsy results to know what is going on.  The hardest part(s) for me are 1) I feel fine.  A routine yearly test came back with abnormal results and they send me into a frenzy.  2) While I try to be an optimist, the worst case scenario scares the shit out of me...  And pisses me off.  I know I have to keep my Faith, and keep a positive mind, however I'm not ready to give up what I have.  And I'm not ready to give up on what I want in the future. 

I'm not going to give up!

DAY 65, Post 2

Well, today could be the day!  And although I'm overwhelmingly excited about that possibility, I'm starting to feel very nervous.  Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.

I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there.  And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close.  The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore.  It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys.  I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me.  OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us.  And he watches my every move.

I started my own personal counseling this morning.  It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it.  So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists.  The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me.  I need to be pushed.  I need to be challenged.  And I hope to get this from her.

I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday.  It had me at 141 pounds.  Yikes.  Or Yay?  I don't really know what to think.  The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds.  I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college.  And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes.  My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore.  Who would've known that boobs would shrink?

DAY 62, Post 4

My evening thinking session has started early today, thanks to the March 28, 2011 "Our Daily Bread" article which I caught up on today.  A couple sections especially got to me...

Love is not blind but looks

Abroad through others' eyes,

And asks not, "Must I give?"

But, "May I sacrifice?" -Ziegler

Yea, I am approaching this quote first because it's easier for me to discuss.   I've done a lot lately, not because I felt I must give, but because I felt there were things I could myself sacrifice to do something for others.  And I did.  And no, love is not blind.  Sometimes, however, love gives the false impression that you can see clearly when actually you can't.  You can't always see what you're doing clearly, and unfortunately giving sometimes means hurting, both someone else and yourself.  Why someone else?  Because they can't give in return.  Which is where the rest comes in...

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,

not looking to your own interests

but each of you to the interests of the others.

-Philippians 2:3-4

I cannot deny for a second that a lot of my giving and sacrificing had selfish intents.  And I was looking to my own interests and not to the interests of others.  And after having read this I am feeling REALLY bad.  Like horribly bad.  Because I can't walk in anyone's shoes but my own, and while I would gladly walk in someone else's shoes to remove some of the stress, scariness, uncomfortableness, etc., those shoes are not mine and will not fit.  I can't walk on their shoes, but can only be asked to walk beside them, which I haven't been.  And, I won't deny that I've wanted that invitation.

BUT, I must also say, that I do wish I could help.  More than anything, I wish I could be Mary Poppins and snap my fingers to clean up the messes.  That would be a wonderful day.  But I'm not Mary Poppins.  I'm a 32-year old single-mother of two working a (basically) minimum wage job to pay my bills.  And they're not even all getting paid (on-time).  And somehow I need to focus on cleaning up my own messes, even if they are not the ones I want to focus on.  Because, how can I help anyone else if I don't have my rent paid, gas, water and electric paid for, a job, or food in my kitchen for me and my boys? 

DAY 43, Post 2

It was an emotional day at work, and for once the emotions weren't from me. I must say, as bad as I felt for the two emotional ones, I found comfort in knowing I'm not the only one who gets emotional there to the point of tears. I think one of my co-workers is having a hard time with the requirements of the job, and the lack of a break that is sometimes received (especially by the opening shift), and I found myself reminding myself how thankful I am just to have a job.

Today marks T minus one-month to D-Day. Nine years ago I was counting down the days to the wedding, and now I'm looking forward to having my single life back to myself, officially. Can I even call it a single life though, considering now I have two boys, a dog and a very fat cat to support?

I got home today to find a notice in the mail that my Food Stamps have been terminated as of the end of this month due to child support. As scary as this could be for me, I'm not scared. Somehow I know everything will work out. I don't know how yet, but I know it will.

DAY 39, Post 4

BIG sigh of relief.  I've FINALLY finished my First Responses to Interrogatories for the divorce.  18 pages.  Phoo...  It feels good, yet also scary, to have them finished, as I hope I didn't forget anything.  Today marks FIVE weeks left until D-Day.  Wow.

I'm going to make this a GREAT five weeks!