DAY 354

Extremely anxious...  There's no other way to express how I'm feeling right now.  I know some say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, however right now He's giving us a whole lot.  And while we're doing the best we can to take control of some things, others are out of our hands altogether.  I don't like not being in control.

In times like this I have to work extra hard to maintain optimism.  Keep my chin up and keep looking at what our final goals are.  And I have to pray.  Pray to God that He puts us on a good path, and hopefully a better one.

I have a Franklin Covey planner now at work.  I got the 7 Habits refill for this year, and every day has a quote.  Monday's was particularly inspirational...

"People with goals succeed because they know where they're going." - Earl Nightingale

I think I need to make higher goals...

DAY 61, Post 4

I've spent a good bit of time job searching tonight, only to reach the conclusion that job searching SUCKS.  Monster.com and Careerbuilder produced few results that I even looked at, and even those require more experience (in whatever field the job is in) than I have.  And although I applied for quite a few jobs on Craigslist, I'm dismayed that I received quite a few canned responses asking me to visit such-and-such a website to fill out a credit report or some other bogus offer.  Sigh.

So...  I've decided to look at the progress I've made on my Mini-Goals instead...

1. Keep on job searching.  Doing it!
2. Scrapbook!  I've got most of my inventory back, and it's about time I use some of this stuff for my personal use!  Doing it!
3. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.  Trying to do it, but I could be better...
4. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Trying to do it, but I could be better...
5. Cook a real meal every night that I have the boys.  Getting better at this!
6. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.  Thing 2 enjoys reading the Childrens Bible I bought him and Thing 1 with me before bed.  While we don't do it every night, we do it a few nights a week.
7. Knit 3 more blocks for my blanket....  Let's be realistic this month! I finished the front and kangaroo pocket for CL-WoW's sweater.  Does that count?
8. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.  Not in the past two weeks due to money constraints.  Perhaps by the 14th though!

DAY 43, Post 4

Almost a month ago I posted a bunch of Mini-Goals for the month.  I decided it's time to evaluate my progress and set new goals for next month...

1. Get an oil change for my car.  It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money. DID IT!
2. Inquire about design jobs.  I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me. I've been looking for jobs, but haven't been focusing on only interior design.  So far, I haven't found anything, but I'm not giving up.
3. Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection.  Due to money I wasn't able to do this...  This month...
4. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter. Eh...  I tried...
5. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely. The lights have definitely been turned off more than they were last month, but I need to get better at this still...
6. Make a wreath for my front door with my boys.  Due to money we didn't do this either...
7. Start cooking actual meals.  Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me.  Eh...  I cooked more this month, but I didn't make as much progress as I had hoped.
8. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself. I've read the Bible quite a bit, but I need to be better about reading to the boys.
9. Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha. Yea...  Didn't happen...
10. Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket. Didn't even finish one more...  But I started!
11. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.  We bought UNO this month but only played a couple of times.
12. Positive visualization  I've decided to eliminate drama-filled people from my life, and stay positive.  The visualization isn't necessarily up to me.

So for next month...

1. Keep on job searching. 
2. Scrapbook!  I've got most of my inventory back, and it's about time I use some of this stuff for my personal use! 
3. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.
4. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely.
5. Cook a real meal every night that I have the boys.
6. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.
7. Knit 3 more blocks for my blanket....  Let's be realistic this month!
8. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.

DAY 27, Post 2

I woke up in a funk this morning.  I was dreaming all night, and they were those dreams that you'd rather just continue living in than wake up and face whatever your real life has to offer...  Like my job that I have to work ALL weekend or my messy apartment.  No, Operation Mini-Goals hasn't been going so well in the cleaning department. 

I've sat here for ten minutes trying to figure out what else to write and I just feel...  lost.  Besides taking care of my boys and getting my butt to work, the rest of what I do seems...  Blurry.  I long for clarity.  Please, God.  Give me clarity.

DAY 25, Post 2

Last night I was feeling GREAT, and right now I'm feeling good, however somewhere in the middle I had a little lapse.  Let's call it a "How the hell did I get here?!?" moment.  I sat here in my empty apartment, looking around, wondering how I wound up...  Here...  I had a momentary lapse in thought, thinking, "Please, God.  Take me back in time."  Six weeks, six months, I wondered if I could wake up in a moment where I could do things differently.  Yes, I even thought about my marriage.

But do I want my marriage again?  No!  Absolutely not!

And then sleep rescued me.  A nice, rare, dreamless sleep.

I woke this morning to find my "Note From the Universe" waiting in my email in-box...

"Hey, Kimberly, don't you see? The "right" circumstances, people, and opportunities are just like "good" ideas - they come to you fastest, once you relax.

Zip, Zap, Zop,
The Universe"

And even though my eyes were open, I actually woke up.  I relaxed enough on Tuesday to get a job interview for next week.  (Yay for me!)  So now I tell myself, "Come on, Kim!  Relax!  All those things you are waiting for will come to you!  Just stop worrying, relax, and live in the moment!"

DAY 20, Post 4

Thing 2 and I tackled another item on Operation Mini-Goals tonight. He and I just played a game of War and now he and Thing 1 are playing against each other. I won't deny for a second that I beat him in a very fast game!

DAY 20, Post 2

This morning I cooked my first "real" breakfast, with the exception of pancakes since moving into my apartment on December 8. Eggs, bacon and toast. I think I did a pretty good job. I'm attaching some pictures, but I'll have to add captions and thoughts later as I'm at the Y now for a couple of hours. Thing 1 has floor hockey for an hour and a half and then Thing 2 has basketball.

The bacon cooking...  I must admit, I'm not a patient "chef" and I tend to rush...

My favorite toy in my kitchen...

Finished bacon...  a little crispier than I would have liked but that's what I get with impatience...

Mmm...  Toast...

The first batch of scrambled eggs...

Ooh, how I LOVE Green Goodness by Bolthouse Farms!

My breakfast plate...  The eggs were a little...  Brown...  Due to my cooking them too high...

Yea, brown eggs...

DAY 20, Post 1

Last night my Operation Mini-Goals took another step. I cooked dinner for the boys and I, and for the first time since January 17 it wasn't something that could bake in 12 minutes. I made us Garbage Plates and even baked lemon bars for dessert. (See picture)

CT came over for dinner and JTS, my awesome neighbor and later her boyfriend came over for a beer. I couldn't believe when all of a sudden it was 930pm. Refocusing, or in someone else's words "re-aligning", really can be an awesome thing.

DAY 19, Post 3

Well, I've started Operation Mini-Goals pretty well! Last night (or this morning) I turned off the lights and went to bed. I curled up next to my body pillow and tried to visualize my future. The next thing I knew my alarm was going off and I had to wake up.
Then since I've woken up this morning I've already called my attorney's office regarding child support and I've called Job and Family Services regarding my assistance. No, I will not deny that for the time being I am receiving public assistance.
I've also cleaned up a bit around the apartment. Everytime I get up I clean up a couple more things and I've closed the kitchen cupboards. I'm not Greek, but according to Greek culture it's bad luck to leave your cupboard doors open.
Now its time to get Thing 1 to school and call to make the GAL payment. Have a great day!

DAY 19, Post 2

Wow, I feel like an idiot.  A royal, world-class idiot.  I should have just let it go a month ago and done what I said I was going to do...  Concentrate on me and the boys.  Because the horse was dead then, and I was the crazy bat who was too blind to see it.

So now, I move on...  Those of you follow my blog are probably glad to hear it.  But now what do I do with myself?  I had tried moving on last week with the fire, haha, but I think I botched up that whole night and the week following pretty good.  And I think I offended someone else in the process and I don't like that.

I'm not a person who likes to hurt or offend others.  Perhaps I'm naive, but a person has to be REALLY mean for me to want to hurt or offend him/her.  Honestly, I don't wish bad on anyone in my past, even DH and he did lots of mean, hurtful things to me.  But he's my boys' dad and because of that I hope he finds some real happiness in his future.

It's 3:50 in the morning, and I'm awake...  Again...  It's been...  A couple weeks since I woke up in the middle of the night.  I think I went to bed too early last night because I've found sleep and my bed to be my escape.  But sometimes I can't escape anything in sleep.  I dream about things that matter to me, and wake up upset that life isn't how I want it to be.  But how DO I want it to be?  What DO I want?

Today I pay for the Guardian Ad Lietum (spelling?) for the boys.  $350 for a court appointed attorney who will represent the boys' best interest in the custody hearing.  DH has his first meeting with the GAL next week. I'm sour about that.  He had money to pay for the GAL right away, so he'll be introduced to him first.  The $350 will take nearly all of today's paycheck for me...  and that stings...The child support order was issued a couple weeks ago but DH's employer won't take the money out for another month minimum, and they won't do it retroactively.  So what do I do in the meantime?  I can only work so many hours without getting worn out and beat down.  I enjoy working with my co-workers, but can I say I love my job?  Absolutely not!  I NEVER saw myself working in fast food, especially with my education. 

So where do I go from here?  How do I fulfill my bucket list without going crazy from lonliness in the meantime?  How do I enjoy and be happy every second with my boys when sometimes I just want to cry?  I can't let them see that.  It's not their responsibility to make Mommy happy.  It's my responsibility to make myself happy.  But what do I do to make myself happy without being self-destructive?  Wow, that sounds bad.  No, I don't want to drink or drug myself. 

Wow...  as I typed the last sentence, today's Note from the Universe came in...

"The trick with courage, Kimberly, is realizing that it isn't so much about overcoming fear, as it is about not settling for less. And then, it comes as effortlessly as a midsummer's night breeze.

Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh-a-a-a-a-a-a, who-o-o-osh -
The Universe"

So, I need courage.  I need to know what I'm not settling for.  So let me start setting some mini-goals...  Some of these may seem small and trivial, but if I can look back in the next month and see that I've accomplished them, I'll feel a lot better.

1. Get an oil change for my car.  It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money.
2. Inquire about design jobs.  I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me.
3. Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection. 
4. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.
5. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely.
6. Make a wreath for my front door with my boys.
7. Start cooking actual meals.  Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me.
8. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.
9. Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha.
10. Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket.
11. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.

So, that's my goal for February 18 - March 17.  I'm going to work on focusing on these items and only these.  Some will be easier than others.  Today, I will tackle #11.  I'll buy UNO or a deck of cards, because that's all I can really afford, and we can play UNO or War this weekend. 

Today I work at 11am.  No, I'm not going to get there three hours early, haha.  But I think I'm going to go concentrate on me for the time being.  Either by way of sleep or by starting the next square for my blanket or by watching a show on TV.  Honestly, sleep is the hardest followed by knitting, because I tend to think and dwell on my lonliness.  I need to find something new to think about.  About the positive heading my way.  About how I see my life in the future, even if the future is today.  Positive visualization.  I'll make that...

  12.  Positive visualization.