DAY 30, Post 6

The seven o'clock hour is for some reason always very hard for me.  It seems to drag along, with Nick on the TV, boys arguing, me trying to figure out what to focus on, and every.second.ticking.by.slowly.

Tonight is no different.

I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow.  With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone.  Without kids.  Without family.  Alone.  Joy.

I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill.  Do I bake myself a cake?  Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch?  Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians?  That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...

I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow.  I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night.  I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow.  But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste.  And I wish it wasn't.  The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry.  My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason.  And it sucks.  I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years....  With a shrimp ring and champagne.  THAT was a GREAT night...  And 2011 was to be great too...