I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.
I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.
This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.
Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...
"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.
"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?
"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."
The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Showing posts with label e-Mail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label e-Mail. Show all posts
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
DAY 72, Post 2
I'm having difficulty today taking my mind off him. I'm sitting in my car at Thing 1's baseball practice and I'm... Concerned. I guess while I didn't expect a response from my last email, even a short and even rude one would have let me know he's alive. No, I can't say alive and well because under his circumstances, I wouldn't expect well. But because of his circumstances, that's why I would like even a one word response. Because I am a worrier. I am concerned. And I care too much.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
DAY 71, Post 2
I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today. I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise. And it feels great.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
DAY 60, Post 2
Holy day from hell. And it all has to do with work. The good part is that I have a job, and nothing bad happened to me today. The bad part is... The computers were down, in various ways, all day. And I, being the lucky person that I am, was the only person the system would allow to 1) clock in and 2) be cashier. And that was only after we were open for an hour and having to process every credit card transaction with a crappy hand machine. So yea... Stressful.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that due to another (ex) employee, I went to work two hours early today (she had two no-calls/no-shows earlier this week) and opened after closing last night. I'm NOT a fan of only having eight hours between shifts.
On a different note... Emails were exchanged last night and very early this morning. They started with a not-so-nice one from me, followed by a not-so-nice one from him, followed by an apology from him and then a couple of others. I continue to worry about him, but am going to limit my contact to Wednesdays for the time being. I guess they will be "Happy Hump Day" messages. As much as he is used to doing everything on his own, for reasons I DO understand, I want to remind him that he is not alone.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that due to another (ex) employee, I went to work two hours early today (she had two no-calls/no-shows earlier this week) and opened after closing last night. I'm NOT a fan of only having eight hours between shifts.
On a different note... Emails were exchanged last night and very early this morning. They started with a not-so-nice one from me, followed by a not-so-nice one from him, followed by an apology from him and then a couple of others. I continue to worry about him, but am going to limit my contact to Wednesdays for the time being. I guess they will be "Happy Hump Day" messages. As much as he is used to doing everything on his own, for reasons I DO understand, I want to remind him that he is not alone.
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