Knit 1, Wedding 2, We'll Make 5

Last night I finished knitting, crocheting, and sewing in the loose ends completely on my wedding dress.  I can't even express the sense of accomplishment I feel.  Not only is it complete, but it FITS!  I'll post again later today, but here's a picture of me in the dress.  More/better pictures will come on/after the big day!  Now I'm thinking of knitting a shawl in the same feather/fan pattern to wear around me with the dress, as I can't count on this unseasonably warm weather to be around then.  I can hope and pray though!

DAY 107, Post 2

I'm beginning to think that my new job is God's way of telling me that I should have followed in my parents' footsteps and gone to school for accounting.  Somehow the Administrative Assistant position here includes the special added responsibility of scouring through dozens of tabs on Excel spreadsheets to find where miniscule cost savings figures have come from.  And while I normally enjoy detail orientated tasks, the one I've been working on for the past two days is making my eyes cross and blood boil.  I'm just glad I didn't listen to my first instinct last night and take my work home with me, as I probably would have smashed the laptop before the night was over.

Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out.  And it's raining...  Again.  And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved.  DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch.  But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there.  Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.

I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read.  The end reads,

"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."

Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.

DAY 90, Post 1

Thanks to a BEAUTIFUL rainbow as Kimi and James pulled in on Thursday night, and Dave, here's today's song of the day...

DAY 73, Post 2

It is a BEAUTIFUL day out here in Ohio. I decided to take my morning off to go shopping for an interview outfit/professional work outfit. My current work attire is jeans and a tee-shirt. I work tonight 4-11... And unfortunately tomorrow 8-4. I have an interview on Friday with an architectural placement firm, and I need something to wear that fits!

I have mixed emotions about entering the mall though. I have found Old Navy to be my favorite place to shop because the clothes fit great. But the mall, which I am sitting outside of right now, is right down the street from where he lives/lived. And although I would love to drive up the road and see if he is there, I need to... Stop. I can't make the small little drive. I need to prove to myself that I have the self-control. But its so damn hard. I guess this is when I need to pray. Jesus, please help me.

I plan on eating lunch while I am here. I brought my Bible to read while I am eating. Hopefully it will help me as well.

DAY 66, Post 2

My neighbors two doors down have two birdhouses in their backyard. Nestled in the trees, I've enjoyed watching the variety of birds that frequently visit them. I'm not a bird watcher, but so far I think I've identifies cardinals, robins, blue jays and possibly doves.

This morning, watching them hop around and eat their food, I have to wonder what type of worries birds have. Sure, they think to gather their food, protect their young, build their nests and stay out of inclement weather. But what else does a bird worry about?

And now it occurs to me. The worries of a bird are not so different from a single-mom. I need to protect my boys, and provide them food and a safe shelter. But if I'm focusing on these tasks, what else do I really need to worry about? Won't the rest basically take care of itself?

DAY 64, Post 3

Like the rest of this year, today was a truly cleansing day.  Not only did I clean up the apartment, but I also cleaned up my life a bit.  And no, I didn't let go of that biggest lingering thought in my life.  But, I did let go, in a way of another.

It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life.  I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were.  And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying.  I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend. 

Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today.  I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring.  Poor puppy was soaking wet.  It's funny...  Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.

DAY 63, Post 5

During all my time outside today, I couldn't help but think more about how much I would LOVE a hammock on my back patio.  Do I have money for it?  No.  Should I spend any of the (hopeful) divorce settlement money on a hammock?  No, probably not.  But darn, I would love one.

So I decided to look and see how much a hammock would cost me, and here's one that I found and really liked...

DAY 63, Post 4

Ahhh... I can't be sure what it is exactly but I'm sitting outside on this beautiful Ohio night we're having, and I swear I smell Axe. And I'm talking about Axe cologne and mens body products, a scent I am EXTREMELY fond of.

I miss the bottles of Axe body wash and shampoo in my shower. I miss the scent of Axe left on my pillow, just so I could smell him when he was gone for a couple days. I miss the criss-cross motion he would use to spray himself with his cologne. I miss how he would ALWAYS smell good... Even his feet (Not that I can say I purposely smelled them... But the fact that I couldn't when I wasn't trying was definitely a plus.)

I have to admit, I've walked the deodorant aisle at Kroger, smelling the various Axes trying to find his. But... There must have been something about the way it mixed with him that made it just right, because no scent I've smelled in the store matches up. And that's probably good, because I would've spent the money to buy it if I could've found it.

Ahhh... One more deep breathe and then I have to go back inside. Breathe in... Breathe out... Back to reality.

DAY 52, Post 4

I'm not feeling great right now.  After I went shopping I got stuck in a thunderstorm/hail storm, and sat in my car knitting and listening to music for a bit.  I'm changing tomorrow's Song of the Day, so you can listen to the song then, but the lyrics are here...  I hadn't read them before, or really listened to them, and I honestly thought they were more...  Religious...  When I added them to the playlist I put them on. 

But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel.  And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.

Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out

How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away

'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever

DAY 47, Post 2

It's been quite a day, and emotionally draining just about the whole way.

I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that.  Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.

But...  I went to the mall.  With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me.  I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40.  I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.

After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit.  I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow.  I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside.  And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.

Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment.  They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match.  I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits.  To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad.  That was sooo hard for me to hear.  He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him.  It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy."  I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys.  Do they make bad decisions sometimes?  Yes!  But don't we all?

DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances.  And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough.  It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.

DAY 39, Post 5

Let there be light!  CL-WoW took this light bulb out eight weeks ago, and for some reason it took me just as long to get the replacement light bulb. 

But enough procrastination already!  I don't know if I was hoping he would be back to fix it, but I finally did what I needed to tonight.  I stood on the stool and changed the light bulb myself.  And it was extremely satisfying.

Equally as satisfying was squishing an emotional flea out of my life today.  Turns out this new connection was full of lies and deceitfulness, and that's something I didn't/don't need in my life.

Side note - how can such a small dog be full of such potent farts?  Seriously, the dog walks right up behind me and lets it go.  Gag.

Tonight the boys and I went down to Ginghamsburg, despite the snow, and I attended the first session of their "Momentum for Life" series.  To my surprise, one of my neighbors was there.  The session gave me a LOT to think about!

To close out tonight, I have to share this quote, which I just borrowed from a Facebook friend's status...

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

I wish I had read this weeks ago.

DAY 30, Post 4

What a beautiful day! I'm taking a quick breather before I go get the boys. I think we'll have to go outside for a while when we get home. Penny will enjoy running around with them a bit.

I had my appointment with my attorney this afternoon after work and she left me with a lot of hope, including about next Monday's custody hearing. I feel REALLY good about that.

I didn't hear anything about the Cross County Care Package... Yet... The postman said it should be delivered today, and I really hope it was. I composed an email this morning concerning it, and sent it this afternoon, so that if there is backlash or negativity about it I can direct him to read the email. I can't imagine myself getting upset about receiving a care package though... From anyone... I guess only time will tell.

DAY 29, Post 2

It's nearly 5am and storming for the third time tonight.  Everytime the storms have come in Penny has started barking her head off, and this time the boys are awake too.  Some teachers are going to have lots of grumpy kids on their hands today.  Heck, I'm going to be grumpy too.

I've got a job interview at 2pm this afternoon.  I was supposed to have this interview six weeks about but cancelled it due to everything that happened the day before, and also the expectation that the job with DWA would go somewhere.  Well...  The job with DWA went nowhere and I'm tired of (not even) living paycheck to paycheck so I decided to call the man back.  Luckily he hasn't filled the position and was still interested in talking to me.  Thankfully I had only told him about the DWA job offer, so I could tell him that the job never started. 

Another strike of lightening.  I just want to get in my car and drive.  Thankfully the lack of gas in my gas tank and nearly empty bank account are keeping me home.  I have a feeling the empty roads would make me feel worse than I do right now.

DAY FIVE - Part 3

Ahhhh... A three hour rest after work and dinner with my boys has left me completely refreshed!  However now it's 11:25pm, and I'm awake with no intention of going to sleep soon and no clue what of what to do with myself.

Work was hectic today, as our District Manager made a surprise visit for the day, and despite his attempts to improve the restaurant, he seemed to slow us all down with constant interuptions and meetings.  I'm just glad I wasn't called out on, and he didn't notice that I forgot to put on my non-slip shoes at first.

Childcare continues to be an area of frustration for me...  I'm not receiving child support as of yet, and despite DH's lawyer's word that he would pay for childcare, I have not seen those funds yet either.  I won't deny that I am receiving assistance, however, the terms for the assistance only allow for a specific 6 hours per day, 1/2 hour of which the daycare is closed.  On days like today when school is once again cancelled because of the weather, I am left scrambling trying to find a place for Things 1 and 2 to go before they can go to daycare.  My friends have been wonderful in their willingness to help me over the past two months, however there's only so many times I can ask them to be a Mom-taxi for me.  I would like to just put them in full-time day-care, however that is just so far out of my budget.  It's almost a Catch-22 actually.  I have gotten a second job as a furniture rep covering Lima to Cincinnati, however I can't really start that position until I have full-time daycare.  And I can't pay for full-time daycare until I start the job and start making sales.  I've seen this so many times in the past in the interior design industry.  How are you supposed to get experience in a particular niche in the design industry (i.e. hospitality or retail) if no one will give you the opportunity to get experience?  OK...  So maybe it's not exactly the SAME thing.  But it feels like it...

DAY FOUR - Part 2

I am fully aware that I have other things I should be working on, for instance, my paperwork and arguements for my divorce Pre-Trial on March 21, however my mind is otherwise occupied.  One thing is...  buyers remorse...

I braved the icy roads yesterday and went over to Walmart to get away from the cabin fever I was suffering from.  Yes, I bought some things I needed...  Toilet paper and toilet bowl cleaner...  however I also found this comforter set on sale...

No, there is not a child or a dog in the middle under the covers.  I must admit, I sleep with a body pillow, thanks to the recommendation of a great person.  However, I was overwhelmed when I saw this set there.  Is it the same one as I had seen at Kohl's?  No!  But it's pretty close and was 1/6 of the price!  So...  yay for me!  Back to work tomorrow though!

DAY FOUR - Part 1

I know I'll be writing more today, but I had to sign in and say that today is starting better than last night ended.  After posting my DAY THREE entry, I decided I needed to get my attitude turned around and start thinking positively again.  I know something and somebody good WILL come my way.  And I know I just need to visualize it to manifest it.

The snow/ice messed up a date I had planned for last night, but aside from that I didn't even talk to him yesterday.  A single dad with custody of his children, I know and appreciate the amount of stuff he has to do on yet another unplanned snow day.  However, (hint hint), a little bit of contact goes a LOOOONG way with me.

Aunt Flushy was going to meet me in Cleveland Sunday night with a lot of G-ma's furniture (including a couch, dressers, and a REAL Queen sized bed, although my air mattress doesn't bother me), however with this weather those plans have been pushed back.  I don't know if I was looking more forward to the furniture or seeing family.  Honestly, I think it was the latter.  Hugs from family members mean so much, however I miss hugs that last for hours and feel like dancing even though we're standing still.

I've decided to focus on summer.  Forget this crappy winter.  Well, not all crappy, just the weather and breaking-up part.  I'm going to focus on the boys' Junior Baseball starting in April, and a pool membership in June.  I'm going to soak up some sun and smile.  Maybe that's what I need to visualize when I go to bed every night...  The upcoming sunshine and warm weather...

DAY TWO

What an interesting day...  I sit here all toasty warm despite the freezing rain that is pelting my windows, thanks to my abundant supply of sweatpants and sweaters, and I'm...  content...  I worked this morning/afternoon at my part-time fast food-ish job, and for once my mind wasn't occupied with all the stuff I needed to tackle outside of work.  I was actually happy to be at work and with my co-workers, whom I am growing to admire and respect.  Despite being 10 years plus older than most of them I am realizing that most of them have lessons to teach me about life.  And I appreciate every one of them.

It took me 45 minutes and a rubber mallet to get into my car this morning, and I still managed to clock in on-time.  Yay for me!  Among other things, I have learned over the past two months how to effectively manage my time.  Two hours into my shift, however, and with a half-full dining room, the smoke alarms started going off.  SKS, one of the managers, explained to the customers what was going on and told them that unfortunately they needed to vacate the premises.  To my coworkers and my surprise, many of the customers were visably and verbally upset that we were asking (and helping!) them to leave.  "Would you like a lid or a bag for your food?", we asked, however we were given grunts and rude remarks in response.  Come on, people!  We, your faithful food servers and preparers, braved our own lives on this miserable weather day to go to work so you could enjoy your meal.  We didn't/don't want you to die eating it!  Apparently there was an exhaust pipe on the roof (or something like that) malfunctioning and it took two hours (because of the road conditions) to get the part in, so the restaurant had to remained closed until 4:30.  Unfortunately, right after the line opened back up, a Level 3 weather emergency came in.  While I was on my way out anyways, I felt bad for my co-workers who had just come in for the shift change.  Three of them don't have cars, and right away I felt amazingly thankful for all that I have.  Yea, it will be scary adding the car expense to my budget in the next couple of months, but I'll figure out a way to do it.  And I'll be proud to send out the check(s) every month.  I'm already thinking about getting a vanity plate for my car, just because I can...  ha ha!

Right before Christmas I began knitting a sweater for someone who was in my life at the time.  Although still in my life, but not in the same way, last week I packed up the yarn and unfinished sweater front and stuck it all in a box in my closet.  I am thinking that beginning knitting again, even though it was that sweater that brought me back to the hobby, was a way to start stitching my life back together.  I won't deny that I've started another project, but this time it's a blanket for me, and I'll be elated when I finish it.  I've been saving my tip money from the job to buy a bedding set I found...  see below...  but until the day comes when I can afford it, I'll be knitting a blanket to accompany it.  All these little steps are what's making the new me, ME!

Well, dang!  This comforter is no longer available!  I'm sitting here smiling while writing this though.  Two weeks ago I probably would have been upset by it.  But now...  I'm almost...  Relieved!  Like everything else in my life, finding something perfect takes time.  And if this set isn't available anymore, than it just wasn't meant to be.  I'm not going to stop working on my blanket though.  Maybe that's why I started working on it, and just didn't know it.  The colors are my favorites, and although they went with this comforter, I will go on looking for another until I find the one that's just right for me.  Who knows?!  Maybe I'll find something on clearance somewhere that I like even better?!  Hmmm, couldn't that be said for all parts of my life, even if they're not on clearance?

Thank you again to all the people who make me smile on a daily basis, even if you have just entered my life.  I truly appreciate you and the warmth you put in my heart.

Now I have to admit...  I'm curious about the plate set I liked...

Yay!  Still available!  They're so bright and uplifting to me, I couldn't help but to "Favorite" the page the first time I saw them.

Well, back to knitting, and cleaning out the DVR.  XOXO.