Song of the Day...
Showing posts with label Crying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crying. Show all posts
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
DAY 62, Post 5
I'm struggling tonight. With loneliness... With hurt... With worry. With anguish... With frustration. With too many thoughts... And I can't stand it.
I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?
Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.
I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?
Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
DAY 52, Post 4
I'm not feeling great right now. After I went shopping I got stuck in a thunderstorm/hail storm, and sat in my car knitting and listening to music for a bit. I'm changing tomorrow's Song of the Day, so you can listen to the song then, but the lyrics are here... I hadn't read them before, or really listened to them, and I honestly thought they were more... Religious... When I added them to the playlist I put them on.
But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel. And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
But this song, now that I've listened to it a few too many times this afternoon, is exactly how I feel. And I just want to cry, but I want to cry due to a smile, not due to feeling down.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
The tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
DAY 32, Post 4
What a day. I seemed to get from all sides... Bad, good and in the middle.
The very bad I'm not going to get into. That's where the day started, well, after the visit to DH's house this morning to pull the files.
Then I headed to the GAL appointment. I wound up there an hour early, which seems to be the story of my life lately. So, I drove down the street to the Christian bookstore. On my way out I saw a Proverbs verse about friends that I was going to text, however when I got to my car and looked into my Bible I found another verse instead...
"The mouth of an adulterous woman is a deep pit; a man who is under the Lord's wrath falls into it."
~Proverbs 22:14
I cried. Seriously I felt horrible. Did he fall into my pit? Is this why he keeps getting hit by slingshots of shit?
So I sat there and cried and came to the sudden realization that I need to make REAL changes in my life. I need to BE a good person and surround myself with good people. The road I've been on doesn't work for me anymore.
So now I'm at dinner with the boys, waiting until it's time to go to church for DivorceCare. Today is another new turning point in my life. I can't wait to see where life takes me from here on out.
The very bad I'm not going to get into. That's where the day started, well, after the visit to DH's house this morning to pull the files.
Then I headed to the GAL appointment. I wound up there an hour early, which seems to be the story of my life lately. So, I drove down the street to the Christian bookstore. On my way out I saw a Proverbs verse about friends that I was going to text, however when I got to my car and looked into my Bible I found another verse instead...
"The mouth of an adulterous woman is a deep pit; a man who is under the Lord's wrath falls into it."
~Proverbs 22:14
I cried. Seriously I felt horrible. Did he fall into my pit? Is this why he keeps getting hit by slingshots of shit?
So I sat there and cried and came to the sudden realization that I need to make REAL changes in my life. I need to BE a good person and surround myself with good people. The road I've been on doesn't work for me anymore.
So now I'm at dinner with the boys, waiting until it's time to go to church for DivorceCare. Today is another new turning point in my life. I can't wait to see where life takes me from here on out.
DAY 32, Post 3
Today is going to be an interesting day...
This morning at 8am I was accompanied into DH's house by a sheriff to go through MY file cabinet. Yes, MY file cabinet. DH and his attorney would not allow me to take MY files, but instead I got to leave the files that I want with DH so that he can take them to his attorney to make copies... for me... Yea, nice. It will probably cost me $3.00/copy which is f***ing ridiculous.
This afternoon at 1:30ish I have my first meeting with the GAL. I'm finishing up my paperwork right now, but I must admit I'm freaking out. I don't want to say anything wrong and risk losing custody to him. I can't/don't want to go into details about why on here as I've heard I could be sued for slander, even if what I say is the truth.
On my way to the GAL meeting I am going to stop by a Christian bookstore. For the longest time I was agnostic, however the weekend after I moved out I attended a service at Ginghamsburg Church in Tipp City, OH. It was amazing, and if I wan't crying, I was tearing up or getting goosebumps all the way through the service. A couple of weeks later, Pastor Mike made a comment in his sermon (is that the right word) about how the trials we face now are just manure fertilizing a better future. Having had the Slingshots of Shit discussion with CL-WoW already, this just struck me as awe-inspiring. Anyway, I'm going to stop by the Christian bookstore to see if there is anything that will help me through this.
Then tonight, Ginghamsburg has a DivorceCare Ministry for adults as well as a separate one for children. I've decided the three of us NEED to go. I will not deny, I do NOT miss DH in the least. But I do have those moments of panic where I wonder "How the HELL did I wind up HERE?!?" Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my apartment. I LOVE my boys. But this whole situation is still scary for me.
CT texted me yesterday wishing me a happy birthday, and then asked later in the day how my day was going and we had a short conversation. I said my day was going better than it started and he asked if I had a new boyfriend. Obviously, I don't. However when I asked if he had picked up any new phone numbers, he insulted me GREATLY when he said, "No, I'm taking a break from you crazy f**kers." All I can still think is, "Wow." I can NOT handle that. I will NOT deal with that. I've just added another item to my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet."
This morning at 8am I was accompanied into DH's house by a sheriff to go through MY file cabinet. Yes, MY file cabinet. DH and his attorney would not allow me to take MY files, but instead I got to leave the files that I want with DH so that he can take them to his attorney to make copies... for me... Yea, nice. It will probably cost me $3.00/copy which is f***ing ridiculous.
This afternoon at 1:30ish I have my first meeting with the GAL. I'm finishing up my paperwork right now, but I must admit I'm freaking out. I don't want to say anything wrong and risk losing custody to him. I can't/don't want to go into details about why on here as I've heard I could be sued for slander, even if what I say is the truth.
On my way to the GAL meeting I am going to stop by a Christian bookstore. For the longest time I was agnostic, however the weekend after I moved out I attended a service at Ginghamsburg Church in Tipp City, OH. It was amazing, and if I wan't crying, I was tearing up or getting goosebumps all the way through the service. A couple of weeks later, Pastor Mike made a comment in his sermon (is that the right word) about how the trials we face now are just manure fertilizing a better future. Having had the Slingshots of Shit discussion with CL-WoW already, this just struck me as awe-inspiring. Anyway, I'm going to stop by the Christian bookstore to see if there is anything that will help me through this.
Then tonight, Ginghamsburg has a DivorceCare Ministry for adults as well as a separate one for children. I've decided the three of us NEED to go. I will not deny, I do NOT miss DH in the least. But I do have those moments of panic where I wonder "How the HELL did I wind up HERE?!?" Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my apartment. I LOVE my boys. But this whole situation is still scary for me.
CT texted me yesterday wishing me a happy birthday, and then asked later in the day how my day was going and we had a short conversation. I said my day was going better than it started and he asked if I had a new boyfriend. Obviously, I don't. However when I asked if he had picked up any new phone numbers, he insulted me GREATLY when he said, "No, I'm taking a break from you crazy f**kers." All I can still think is, "Wow." I can NOT handle that. I will NOT deal with that. I've just added another item to my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet."
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
DAY 31, Post 4
I won't deny that today started off really rough for me. REALLY rough...
I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December. I was weighed again, and today was down to 151. Last week I was 154. December 1 I was 170 pounds. She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on. I just broke down... again... I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha. But now it's official! Down 60 pounds since January 2010!
After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me. I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now. Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me. I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car. And health insurance. Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me. I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.
To CL-WoW... I doubt you're reading this but thank you... The hour today meant the world to me. Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.
I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December. I was weighed again, and today was down to 151. Last week I was 154. December 1 I was 170 pounds. She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on. I just broke down... again... I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha. But now it's official! Down 60 pounds since January 2010!
After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me. I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now. Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me. I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car. And health insurance. Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me. I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.
To CL-WoW... I doubt you're reading this but thank you... The hour today meant the world to me. Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
DAY 30, Post 6
The seven o'clock hour is for some reason always very hard for me. It seems to drag along, with Nick on the TV, boys arguing, me trying to figure out what to focus on, and every.second.ticking.by.slowly.
Tonight is no different.
I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone. Without kids. Without family. Alone. Joy.
I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill. Do I bake myself a cake? Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch? Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians? That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...
I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow. I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night. I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow. But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste. And I wish it wasn't. The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry. My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason. And it sucks. I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years.... With a shrimp ring and champagne. THAT was a GREAT night... And 2011 was to be great too...
Tonight is no different.
I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone. Without kids. Without family. Alone. Joy.
I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill. Do I bake myself a cake? Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch? Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians? That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...
I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow. I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night. I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow. But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste. And I wish it wasn't. The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry. My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason. And it sucks. I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years.... With a shrimp ring and champagne. THAT was a GREAT night... And 2011 was to be great too...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
DAY 16, Part 1
It was a rough day at work. I was talking to a coworker and she said to me, "You can't ride a dead horse." Well, what if the horse isn't dead but just wants to walk for a while? I couldn't help but to think about this for the rest of the day... Seven hours. Obviously I'm still thinking about it now.
I was making chips and one of my managers said, "Kim, your chips are missing something! A smile!". I burst into tears. My coworkers know I'm going through a divorce and am having a hard time with a couple other "issues", but they know me to be an up-beat woman, normally full of smiles. Crying was definitely not something I wanted to do at work... Ever. I must have needed a good, short cry though, as I was able to joke and laugh for the two hours after that. I LOVE my coworkers!
For the rest of day I tried to think purely of a song in my head... I'm Alright by JoDee Messina. "It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight and I guess I'm doin' alright!"
So... The "dead" horse. I'm not giving up on it altogether. Maybe it's not meant to be ridden again, haha. But it can be kept well and nurtured and known that somebody cares about it. I think I'm going to give it a month in the pasture to take care of itself and mend, and maybe I'll check in then.
In the meantime I'm going to try to plan an inexpensive birthday day of pampering for myself. My hands look like shit, I could use a haircut, and my body just HURTS. I've been putting all my tip money into a jar (thanks to CL-WoW) and my friend Chris recommended saving it for Christmas. I think I'll use it on my birthday and save for the rest of the year for Christmas.
If you're reading this, I'd love to know! Please post comments if/when you have any.
XOXO,
Me
I was making chips and one of my managers said, "Kim, your chips are missing something! A smile!". I burst into tears. My coworkers know I'm going through a divorce and am having a hard time with a couple other "issues", but they know me to be an up-beat woman, normally full of smiles. Crying was definitely not something I wanted to do at work... Ever. I must have needed a good, short cry though, as I was able to joke and laugh for the two hours after that. I LOVE my coworkers!
For the rest of day I tried to think purely of a song in my head... I'm Alright by JoDee Messina. "It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight and I guess I'm doin' alright!"
So... The "dead" horse. I'm not giving up on it altogether. Maybe it's not meant to be ridden again, haha. But it can be kept well and nurtured and known that somebody cares about it. I think I'm going to give it a month in the pasture to take care of itself and mend, and maybe I'll check in then.
In the meantime I'm going to try to plan an inexpensive birthday day of pampering for myself. My hands look like shit, I could use a haircut, and my body just HURTS. I've been putting all my tip money into a jar (thanks to CL-WoW) and my friend Chris recommended saving it for Christmas. I think I'll use it on my birthday and save for the rest of the year for Christmas.
If you're reading this, I'd love to know! Please post comments if/when you have any.
XOXO,
Me
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