The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I started this post yesterday...

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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.

The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests.  While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise.  My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of.  Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them.  The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.

While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous.  In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."

What's next? 

That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...

What's going to burden my life next?  What's going to make my life better next?  How do I take care of this medical issue?  In general...  What's next?

I can only answer the 3rd of these questions.  On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix.  In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives.  1.  These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous.  2.  This will not affect my ability to have children.  3.  Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.

Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry.  Scared that this won't be the end of it.  Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous.  Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened.  Scared that I won't see my boys grow up.  Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave.  Scared in general...

But I have to interupt those thoughts.  Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns.  So I turn to God.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
   they walk and don't lag behind.

Take a Bite Out of Life!

I've decided that the cereal "Life" is very much like life itself.  If you let it sit there too long without tasting it, it will get soggy and stale.  So what are you waiting for?  Take a bite!

Last night I decided it was time to get back to knitting my dress.  I think I may have completed four rows (each row takes about 20 minutes to knit, uninterupted), which I feel good about.  I have no doubt that I'll have the dress finished in time, however I am concerned that it won't fit.  Is it a concern with cause?  No.  I have absolutely no reason to think it won't fit.  But if it doesn't, I would, crazily enough, like to knit it again so it does.  And in case you're wondering, either way I'll be selling the dress (custom-made for other people, not MY dress) on Etsy.

Tonight I would like to work on our invites for the small wedding.  We found a style we like on the internet, however the company wants $4+/card for what is essentially a 4x6 picture and envelope.  Using Photoshop I am planning on tweaking the design, making it our own and getting them printed at Walmart or Meijer.  Then we'll mount the pictures on good, Bazzill cardstock and send them out!  What this other company wanted $4.39/each for, we'll be able to make for under $1!  I'll post pictures of it when I'm finished.

I hate to close up a post this way, but I am going to ask for your prayers.  I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and have to wait up to two weeks for biopsy results to know what is going on.  The hardest part(s) for me are 1) I feel fine.  A routine yearly test came back with abnormal results and they send me into a frenzy.  2) While I try to be an optimist, the worst case scenario scares the shit out of me...  And pisses me off.  I know I have to keep my Faith, and keep a positive mind, however I'm not ready to give up what I have.  And I'm not ready to give up on what I want in the future. 

I'm not going to give up!

DAY 359

Stepping away from typing up yesterday's post (a day late) I'm faced with a completely new set of feelings.  While I stand by yesteday's thoughts that I have learned how to live, and that every moment needs to be appreciated and cherished, it takes on a completely new meaning to me.

While there are no results yet, I received word from a doctor yesterday that the results from a routine exam came back abnormal and that further testing and a biopsy are necessary.  Without going into too much detail, the outcome from this (if negative) could impact Dave and my ability to have children of our own, which we very much would like to do.  And while I am trying to stay positive, the "What-if's" sometimes get the best of me.

A follow up exam was scheduled for February 15, however I decided to call today and see if the doctor had had any cancellations.  My favorite doctor in the office had a cancellation tomorrow at 2:15pm and I jumped on it.  With our wedding on the horizon, I would like to know the results sooner rather than later.  I don't like being on edge with the boys, and last night and this morning I was EXTREMELY irritable towards both of them, a fact which I am NOT proud of.  I have taken pride in my ability to keep a level head with them in most situations, and last night and this morning I most certainly did not.

On the flip side, this has certainly reinforced yesterday's post...  For me at least.  Cherish every moment.  Don't (or try not to) stress over the things you can't control.  And take time for hugs and kisses, no matter how late you're running.  It's these moments you will and want to remember.

I brought Dave's headphones to work today so that I can listen to K-Love and the first song I heard when I turned it on was "Hope Now" by Addison Road.  The chorus really got to me...

Everything rides on hope now
Everything runs on Faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free.

In the past year I have been given MANY blessings, including a wonderful man who loves me and a renewed relationship with God, who I can praise and give thanks to everyday, despite everything I may or may not be experiencing.  He has a path for me.  I just have to remember to be patient to find out what that path is and where it will take me.