DAY 68, Post 2

I feel numb.  This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing.  I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there.  I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month.  And even then I didn't really eat it.  I miss bacon and egg sandwiches...  Or bacon and french toast.  I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.

I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream.  I was able to put my arms around him and hug him.  In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was.  In my dream he even had the scars of his accident.  But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life.  I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him.  Just like I do now.

In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him.  But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run.  I was able to find him without any struggle.  And I wish I knew what this meant.  I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow.  That I would be able to find him without a struggle. 

I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him.  To let him know I'm here for him.  And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me.  And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support.  I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week.  But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him.  And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself.  It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.

This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work.  And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend.  It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night.  And not to be...  I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for...  But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service.  But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated.  And I NEED to go to church.  If they had service every day I would go every day.