Although mentally exhausting, these past two days at work have been my favorite so far. I've barely had a dull moment, and in some ways I feel like I'm back working in NYC again. But unlike in NYC, even when the workload is hectic, there are still plenty of smiling faces and friendly attitudes.
I find it funny that the woman at the temp agency who hired me asked me if I thought I could handle working with nine men. Honestly, I don't think I could handle working with nine women! These guys are great to work with and keep me laughing. And unlike CMG, I'm in my first week and I haven't dreaded coming to work once. Do I want to be at home curled up with Dave? YEA! But I don't dread being at work. And that feels GREAT!
Showing posts with label CMG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CMG. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
DAY 88, Post 1
Alrighty then! It's time I fill you in on all the greatness in my life in the last week!
I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...
I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.
But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!
The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...
There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.
To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.
And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.
I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.
Oh... I am SOOO blessed!
I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...
I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.
But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!
The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...
There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.
To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.
And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.
I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.
Oh... I am SOOO blessed!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
DAY 77, Post 2
I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.
I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.
This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.
Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...
"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.
"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?
"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."
The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.
This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.
Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...
"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.
"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?
"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."
The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
DAY 72, Post 2
I'm having difficulty today taking my mind off him. I'm sitting in my car at Thing 1's baseball practice and I'm... Concerned. I guess while I didn't expect a response from my last email, even a short and even rude one would have let me know he's alive. No, I can't say alive and well because under his circumstances, I wouldn't expect well. But because of his circumstances, that's why I would like even a one word response. Because I am a worrier. I am concerned. And I care too much.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
DAY 71, Post 2
I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today. I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise. And it feels great.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
DAY 70, Post 2
I only have a few minutes before I need to get ready for work. Today I work 8-4. I clearly upset my General Manager yesterday when he saw the note that I had updated my availability for work. He came to ask me about not being able to work on Sundays, and I stated to him that the church has asked me to help out. While I haven't written about it on here before, the church has contacted me to assist in the Children's Ministry, particularly in the childcare rooms during services. I would be honored. But I can't (personally)commit unless I know that I will not have to work on Sundays. It would be unfair for them to count on me unless I can commit to not working on Sundays. And seeing as I had been thinking about it for some time anyway, I think it's the right thing to do. As Christians we aren't supposed to work on Sundays anyway, so what better way to "work" then to help out at my church?
I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for. While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me. And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon. I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though. Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.
While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college. I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall. Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling. The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce. And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys. NO way.
I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for. While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me. And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon. I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though. Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.
While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college. I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall. Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling. The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce. And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys. NO way.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
DAY 69, Post 2
Tonight I went to the recovery service at Ginghamsburg Church, and unlike my last experience there, tonight was VERY powerful. And I walked out feeling uplifted and with a new purpose.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
Friday, April 8, 2011
DAY 68, Post 2
I feel numb. This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing. I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there. I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month. And even then I didn't really eat it. I miss bacon and egg sandwiches... Or bacon and french toast. I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
DAY 67, Post 2
I am completely exhausted, physically and just about emotionally. I worked 9-1/2 hours today, which was long, but was nice because it got me a little bit closer to having overtime this week as I was only scheduled for 7 hours. But still, working 2-1/2 hours past when I was planning becomes a little draining. Luckily, the last couple hours flew by.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
DAY 66, Post 3
I'm taking steps in the moving-forward direction this morning. Whether they be the right steps or not, I guess only time will tell.
I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy. I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider. If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life. And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die. So... I need to consider bankruptcy. I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.
Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency. They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about. Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week. So... Yay! I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car. The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures. Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.
Oh! I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget! It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month. The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job. I have so much to be grateful for though. One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children. I can't imagine being under that type of stress. Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc. It's hard enough with just my two boys! She is married though, but still... If he's making the same as us... It's got to be REALLY hard!
I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy. I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider. If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life. And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die. So... I need to consider bankruptcy. I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.
Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency. They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about. Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week. So... Yay! I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car. The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures. Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.
Oh! I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget! It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month. The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job. I have so much to be grateful for though. One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children. I can't imagine being under that type of stress. Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc. It's hard enough with just my two boys! She is married though, but still... If he's making the same as us... It's got to be REALLY hard!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DAY 65, Post 4
I want to put a HUGE thank you out there to my sweetie-pie Thing 2. He totally made my night by having a dance party in the living room with me. We danced to "Try a Little Tenderness", and let me tell you... I could feel it in my belly when we were through! Now I know how I'm going to get rid of the belly fat that doesn't want to go away, despite the weight loss.
The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at. And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices. I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.
Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking... Now what? What do I put my efforts in to now? I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was. I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face. Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me. And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has. So... HA!
But really... What now? Where do I concentrate my efforts? I am thinking job searching would be a good route. And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters. The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject. While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt. I got myself into this mess. To me, I really should try to get myself out of it. Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation. I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.
Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life. And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people. An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about. I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling. I REALLY want to help people. But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while... At least a few months if not a year. Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.
The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at. And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices. I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.
Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking... Now what? What do I put my efforts in to now? I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was. I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face. Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me. And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has. So... HA!
But really... What now? Where do I concentrate my efforts? I am thinking job searching would be a good route. And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters. The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject. While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt. I got myself into this mess. To me, I really should try to get myself out of it. Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation. I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.
Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life. And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people. An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about. I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling. I REALLY want to help people. But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while... At least a few months if not a year. Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.
Monday, April 4, 2011
DAY 64, Post 1
Another Song of the Day thanks to the tunes that play at work while we're setting up for the day...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
DAY 62, Post 4
My evening thinking session has started early today, thanks to the March 28, 2011 "Our Daily Bread" article which I caught up on today. A couple sections especially got to me...
Love is not blind but looks
Abroad through others' eyes,
And asks not, "Must I give?"
But, "May I sacrifice?" -Ziegler
Yea, I am approaching this quote first because it's easier for me to discuss. I've done a lot lately, not because I felt I must give, but because I felt there were things I could myself sacrifice to do something for others. And I did. And no, love is not blind. Sometimes, however, love gives the false impression that you can see clearly when actually you can't. You can't always see what you're doing clearly, and unfortunately giving sometimes means hurting, both someone else and yourself. Why someone else? Because they can't give in return. Which is where the rest comes in...
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests
but each of you to the interests of the others.
-Philippians 2:3-4
I cannot deny for a second that a lot of my giving and sacrificing had selfish intents. And I was looking to my own interests and not to the interests of others. And after having read this I am feeling REALLY bad. Like horribly bad. Because I can't walk in anyone's shoes but my own, and while I would gladly walk in someone else's shoes to remove some of the stress, scariness, uncomfortableness, etc., those shoes are not mine and will not fit. I can't walk on their shoes, but can only be asked to walk beside them, which I haven't been. And, I won't deny that I've wanted that invitation.
BUT, I must also say, that I do wish I could help. More than anything, I wish I could be Mary Poppins and snap my fingers to clean up the messes. That would be a wonderful day. But I'm not Mary Poppins. I'm a 32-year old single-mother of two working a (basically) minimum wage job to pay my bills. And they're not even all getting paid (on-time). And somehow I need to focus on cleaning up my own messes, even if they are not the ones I want to focus on. Because, how can I help anyone else if I don't have my rent paid, gas, water and electric paid for, a job, or food in my kitchen for me and my boys?
Friday, April 1, 2011
DAY 61, Post 2
I can't really express how I've felt today. My emotions, feelings, etc. run all over the gamut. Tired, motivated, proud, spiritual... Those are just a few...
I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week. As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go. And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit. Because there certainly are. But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up. Will I be exhausted from working so much? Hell, yea! But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again. So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.
While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December. And writing that rent check was... Exhilirating. After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well. Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments! While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks. And I don't like having that little in my account. I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have... More... I handled it like shit. I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December. Woo hoo for me!
After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry. I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed. Yuck, I know. But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room.
And Penny... Damn her sometimes... This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night. Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny! Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago. Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each. So... I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold. The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear. Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.
The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid. Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now. Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well. The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat. And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so... Yea...
Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful. While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend. I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season. I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games. I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves. Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.
This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences. Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit. And I appreciate the lessons each have provided. It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way. With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do. But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers. Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them. So thank you, ladies! Patience truly is a virtue!
So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience. And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial. Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day. I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it. And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well. No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later. If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to. But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week. As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go. And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit. Because there certainly are. But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up. Will I be exhausted from working so much? Hell, yea! But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again. So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.
While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December. And writing that rent check was... Exhilirating. After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well. Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments! While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks. And I don't like having that little in my account. I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have... More... I handled it like shit. I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December. Woo hoo for me!
After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry. I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed. Yuck, I know. But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room.
And Penny... Damn her sometimes... This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night. Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny! Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago. Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each. So... I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold. The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear. Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.
The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid. Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now. Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well. The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat. And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so... Yea...
Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful. While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend. I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season. I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games. I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves. Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.
This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences. Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit. And I appreciate the lessons each have provided. It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way. With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do. But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers. Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them. So thank you, ladies! Patience truly is a virtue!
So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience. And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial. Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day. I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it. And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well. No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later. If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to. But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
DAY 61, Post 1
Song of the Day, thanks to the tunes we listen to at work while getting ready to open...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
DAY 60, Post 2
Holy day from hell. And it all has to do with work. The good part is that I have a job, and nothing bad happened to me today. The bad part is... The computers were down, in various ways, all day. And I, being the lucky person that I am, was the only person the system would allow to 1) clock in and 2) be cashier. And that was only after we were open for an hour and having to process every credit card transaction with a crappy hand machine. So yea... Stressful.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that due to another (ex) employee, I went to work two hours early today (she had two no-calls/no-shows earlier this week) and opened after closing last night. I'm NOT a fan of only having eight hours between shifts.
On a different note... Emails were exchanged last night and very early this morning. They started with a not-so-nice one from me, followed by a not-so-nice one from him, followed by an apology from him and then a couple of others. I continue to worry about him, but am going to limit my contact to Wednesdays for the time being. I guess they will be "Happy Hump Day" messages. As much as he is used to doing everything on his own, for reasons I DO understand, I want to remind him that he is not alone.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that due to another (ex) employee, I went to work two hours early today (she had two no-calls/no-shows earlier this week) and opened after closing last night. I'm NOT a fan of only having eight hours between shifts.
On a different note... Emails were exchanged last night and very early this morning. They started with a not-so-nice one from me, followed by a not-so-nice one from him, followed by an apology from him and then a couple of others. I continue to worry about him, but am going to limit my contact to Wednesdays for the time being. I guess they will be "Happy Hump Day" messages. As much as he is used to doing everything on his own, for reasons I DO understand, I want to remind him that he is not alone.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
DAY 58, Post 2
With friends and family who love me and have always wanted to see me reach my full potential, I've never had to worry about receiving an earful of encouragement, advice or criticism, even when I didn't want it. And although I haven't always listened, I'm extremely grateful that these wonderful people are in my life.
I sit here at work, on my break, thinking about people who don't have the support I do. They struggle through life, no one to guide them or hold their hand, or even to tell them when they've fucked up (pardon my language). They repeatedly make the wrong mistakes, and like an idiot expect a different result each time. And unfortunately for some of these people, when something good does come to them, they find a way to mess that up.
I think I've been an enabler of such people. I've tried to be a nice person, and as such have not given the (constructive) criticism that was due. And it's as detrimental to me as it is to them. I stand by, caring and worrying, offering my positive emotional support, yet nothing is gained. For me or them. They still haven't learned as I chose to be quiet with my opinions and thoughts. And that sucks for the both of us. Because while things could change, they don't.
So what do I do? Change myself for other people? Or can I look at it as changing myself for myself? Speak up when I have an opinion at the risk of hurting others? And I have to ask myself... What does God want me to do? Because my current ways don't seem to make a difference. And that makes me one of those idiots.
I sit here at work, on my break, thinking about people who don't have the support I do. They struggle through life, no one to guide them or hold their hand, or even to tell them when they've fucked up (pardon my language). They repeatedly make the wrong mistakes, and like an idiot expect a different result each time. And unfortunately for some of these people, when something good does come to them, they find a way to mess that up.
I think I've been an enabler of such people. I've tried to be a nice person, and as such have not given the (constructive) criticism that was due. And it's as detrimental to me as it is to them. I stand by, caring and worrying, offering my positive emotional support, yet nothing is gained. For me or them. They still haven't learned as I chose to be quiet with my opinions and thoughts. And that sucks for the both of us. Because while things could change, they don't.
So what do I do? Change myself for other people? Or can I look at it as changing myself for myself? Speak up when I have an opinion at the risk of hurting others? And I have to ask myself... What does God want me to do? Because my current ways don't seem to make a difference. And that makes me one of those idiots.
Monday, March 28, 2011
DAY 57, Post 4
I wish I had one of the bags of sour cream from work at home with me tonight so that I could beat the crap out of it. Seriously, pound all the thickness out of it, four times as much as I need to at work. THAT'S how freaking irritated I am right now.
Why? For no concrete reason, but for a reason I'm 75% sure about. I'm not going to say too much more, but if a whole bunch of little clues add up to what I think it COULD be, then there's a BIG lie at the other end. And I HATE lies.
No joke, if I had a punching bag in my bedroom right now, Julie would be calling the cops, thinking someone was having the shit beat out of them. But now, it would just be me, probably beating the shit out of my hands.
Please, God, let me be 75% wrong, and let the right path be being taken. I don't want to believe that what I saw could be the truth.
Why? For no concrete reason, but for a reason I'm 75% sure about. I'm not going to say too much more, but if a whole bunch of little clues add up to what I think it COULD be, then there's a BIG lie at the other end. And I HATE lies.
No joke, if I had a punching bag in my bedroom right now, Julie would be calling the cops, thinking someone was having the shit beat out of them. But now, it would just be me, probably beating the shit out of my hands.
Please, God, let me be 75% wrong, and let the right path be being taken. I don't want to believe that what I saw could be the truth.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
DAY 55, Post 2
Apparently worrying is sinning. But is it so bad when I'm worrying about someone else, rather than about myself? Worrying that he's not feeling alone, even though Jesus and others (including me) are there for him?
I'm working today. Finally on break, and looking forward to getting out at 5pm. As much as I would love to take a ride tonight, the laundry, dishes and other small messes in my apartment call to me. And once again, if this is THE weekend, I don't want to possibly interfere. So again, I won't email or try to contact otherwise.
But damn, I worry.
I'm working today. Finally on break, and looking forward to getting out at 5pm. As much as I would love to take a ride tonight, the laundry, dishes and other small messes in my apartment call to me. And once again, if this is THE weekend, I don't want to possibly interfere. So again, I won't email or try to contact otherwise.
But damn, I worry.
Friday, March 25, 2011
DAY 54, Post 3
I'm completely exhausted, yet my brain is in complete over-drive. Actually, I have no desire to sit at home, and would get up and drive if I didn't have to finish drying clothes for the boys. They are at DH's this weekend. I can't say I won't be driving after I drop the clothes off at his house. It's either that or pass out on the living room floor, as I don't feel like making my bed.
Work was... Work today. I kept my mouth shut and not that I ever let myself stand still (unless there is a customer at the register with me), I definitely didn't let myself stand still. SK, one of the two managers I like, told me I did great today. That made me feel better... Sort of. The funny, although not of the ha-ha kind, is that three others asked me if I had gotten my break today. I guess it was made more of a conversation last night after I left. I choose not to think about that though.
I look around my apartment, and although it's not a wreck, Penny knows how to make a mess while nobody's at home. Yarn and shoes are strewn all over the living room, I know I really should clean them up. But... I really don't feel like it. I want to snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and have everything put away where it belongs.
It's a good thing I'm not a drinker. And by drinker I mean serious, hard-core drinker. Because if I was, I would probably spend the night in a bar. And a drink doesn't even sound appetizing, just the numbing effects do.
Work was... Work today. I kept my mouth shut and not that I ever let myself stand still (unless there is a customer at the register with me), I definitely didn't let myself stand still. SK, one of the two managers I like, told me I did great today. That made me feel better... Sort of. The funny, although not of the ha-ha kind, is that three others asked me if I had gotten my break today. I guess it was made more of a conversation last night after I left. I choose not to think about that though.
I look around my apartment, and although it's not a wreck, Penny knows how to make a mess while nobody's at home. Yarn and shoes are strewn all over the living room, I know I really should clean them up. But... I really don't feel like it. I want to snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and have everything put away where it belongs.
It's a good thing I'm not a drinker. And by drinker I mean serious, hard-core drinker. Because if I was, I would probably spend the night in a bar. And a drink doesn't even sound appetizing, just the numbing effects do.
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