Stepping away from typing up yesterday's post (a day late) I'm faced with a completely new set of feelings. While I stand by yesteday's thoughts that I have learned how to live, and that every moment needs to be appreciated and cherished, it takes on a completely new meaning to me.
While there are no results yet, I received word from a doctor yesterday that the results from a routine exam came back abnormal and that further testing and a biopsy are necessary. Without going into too much detail, the outcome from this (if negative) could impact Dave and my ability to have children of our own, which we very much would like to do. And while I am trying to stay positive, the "What-if's" sometimes get the best of me.
A follow up exam was scheduled for February 15, however I decided to call today and see if the doctor had had any cancellations. My favorite doctor in the office had a cancellation tomorrow at 2:15pm and I jumped on it. With our wedding on the horizon, I would like to know the results sooner rather than later. I don't like being on edge with the boys, and last night and this morning I was EXTREMELY irritable towards both of them, a fact which I am NOT proud of. I have taken pride in my ability to keep a level head with them in most situations, and last night and this morning I most certainly did not.
On the flip side, this has certainly reinforced yesterday's post... For me at least. Cherish every moment. Don't (or try not to) stress over the things you can't control. And take time for hugs and kisses, no matter how late you're running. It's these moments you will and want to remember.
I brought Dave's headphones to work today so that I can listen to K-Love and the first song I heard when I turned it on was "Hope Now" by Addison Road. The chorus really got to me...
Everything rides on hope now
Everything runs on Faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free.
In the past year I have been given MANY blessings, including a wonderful man who loves me and a renewed relationship with God, who I can praise and give thanks to everyday, despite everything I may or may not be experiencing. He has a path for me. I just have to remember to be patient to find out what that path is and where it will take me.
Showing posts with label Hugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hugs. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
DAY 358
This was yesterday's post, written in my Day Planner...
As I got ready for work this morning, I realized that in the past year I have learned how to live. By live I don't mean perform the actions necessary in life. I mean perform them and appreciate them, and remember the ones that matter don't stress about the ones that don't.
Thing 1 is a top-knotch diddle-dwadler in the morning. It doesn't matter what time he wakes up and how little he has to do, he can still be the last one out the door in the morning. Despite how late I may be running, however, I always have time for a hug and a kiss when dropping the boys off at school. Do I use my "flex time" on days I have the boys? You bet I do! But those extra minutes for hugs and kisses are well worth it!
Don't forget how to live. Fill your life with memories of meaningful moments, regardless of how late you're running every morning.
As I got ready for work this morning, I realized that in the past year I have learned how to live. By live I don't mean perform the actions necessary in life. I mean perform them and appreciate them, and remember the ones that matter don't stress about the ones that don't.
Thing 1 is a top-knotch diddle-dwadler in the morning. It doesn't matter what time he wakes up and how little he has to do, he can still be the last one out the door in the morning. Despite how late I may be running, however, I always have time for a hug and a kiss when dropping the boys off at school. Do I use my "flex time" on days I have the boys? You bet I do! But those extra minutes for hugs and kisses are well worth it!
Don't forget how to live. Fill your life with memories of meaningful moments, regardless of how late you're running every morning.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
DAY 179, Post 1
It's amazing how after years of wanting little things and never getting them and eventually giving up, that I realize I'm now getting those things. And those little things all add up to a big, remarkable, wonderful happiness.
Every day before and after work the simple act of a hug and kiss from or to Dave just makes the day better. And the texts during the day to see how each other is doing reminds us how much we care about each other. The zzzziinnnggg that my phone makes when a text message from him comes in makes me smile and my heart warm every time I hear it.
I am not a materialistic person by any means, but on the flip side, I, like Dave, like to spoil our loved ones. Even if it's just by buying each others' favorite candy while we're at the gas station, we just let each other know that they are never far from our thoughts. I don't need or want flowers, jewelry or expensive gifts. It's like Kenny Rogers sang...
Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open the door for me for me, what would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things
That mean the most in my life
... And I have the little things that mean the most in my life.
XOXOXO
Every day before and after work the simple act of a hug and kiss from or to Dave just makes the day better. And the texts during the day to see how each other is doing reminds us how much we care about each other. The zzzziinnnggg that my phone makes when a text message from him comes in makes me smile and my heart warm every time I hear it.
I am not a materialistic person by any means, but on the flip side, I, like Dave, like to spoil our loved ones. Even if it's just by buying each others' favorite candy while we're at the gas station, we just let each other know that they are never far from our thoughts. I don't need or want flowers, jewelry or expensive gifts. It's like Kenny Rogers sang...
Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open the door for me for me, what would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things
That mean the most in my life
... And I have the little things that mean the most in my life.
XOXOXO
Monday, June 27, 2011
Day 148, Post 1
I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
DAY 102, Post 2
I can feel my belly growing... The delicacies prepared by Dave in the kitchen and on the grill are already impacting my weight. I can feel it. And it's funny... I know it's happening because a dress I bought two weeks ago (and am wearing for the first time today) doesn't fit as well around the boobs as it did before. No, I'm not pregnant. BUT, I did notice that when I lost weight I lost it in my boobs. Hmmm...
Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill. I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria. The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.
Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers. The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha. It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him.
Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy. Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma. I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit. I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools. If I could buy him one of everything, I would.
I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves. Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear. Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home. Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car. It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face. Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad. I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die? Am I in heaven?" I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring. Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!
Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill. I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria. The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.
Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers. The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha. It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him.
Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy. Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma. I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit. I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools. If I could buy him one of everything, I would.
I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves. Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear. Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home. Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car. It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face. Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad. I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die? Am I in heaven?" I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring. Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
DAY 88, Post 1
Alrighty then! It's time I fill you in on all the greatness in my life in the last week!
I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...
I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.
But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!
The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...
There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.
To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.
And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.
I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.
Oh... I am SOOO blessed!
I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...
I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.
But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!
The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...
There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.
To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.
And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.
I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.
Oh... I am SOOO blessed!
Monday, April 11, 2011
DAY 71, Post 2
I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today. I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise. And it feels great.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
Friday, April 8, 2011
DAY 68, Post 2
I feel numb. This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing. I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there. I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month. And even then I didn't really eat it. I miss bacon and egg sandwiches... Or bacon and french toast. I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DAY 65, Post 3
Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
Friday, March 25, 2011
DAY 54, Post 5
I've come to the realization that my thoughts, my worries, are impossible to silence. So is, apparently, the backspace key after an evening out involving a bottle of Merlot.
I had a pleasant evening out in the company of a nice guy, but the whole time I was thinking about, and worrying about CL-WoW. Even now, bundled up in my bed with my legs wrapped around my body pillow, my thoughts remain on him. How is he doing? Is he alright? Could he use someone to talk to? Could he use a hug?
Seriously, the backspace button on my Blackberry is saving me from looking like an ass. I probably look like one anyway though. At this point, I don't really care.
I had a pleasant evening out in the company of a nice guy, but the whole time I was thinking about, and worrying about CL-WoW. Even now, bundled up in my bed with my legs wrapped around my body pillow, my thoughts remain on him. How is he doing? Is he alright? Could he use someone to talk to? Could he use a hug?
Seriously, the backspace button on my Blackberry is saving me from looking like an ass. I probably look like one anyway though. At this point, I don't really care.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
DAY 32, Post 2
I went to bed last night thinking I would fall asleep peacefully, but, I didn't. I worried. All night. I suppose I never got rid of my childhood nickname of "Worrywart."
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
DAY 31, Post 4
I won't deny that today started off really rough for me. REALLY rough...
I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December. I was weighed again, and today was down to 151. Last week I was 154. December 1 I was 170 pounds. She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on. I just broke down... again... I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha. But now it's official! Down 60 pounds since January 2010!
After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me. I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now. Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me. I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car. And health insurance. Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me. I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.
To CL-WoW... I doubt you're reading this but thank you... The hour today meant the world to me. Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.
I went to the doctor again today, and unlike last week, today saw the P.A. I saw in December. I was weighed again, and today was down to 151. Last week I was 154. December 1 I was 170 pounds. She asked me if I'm trying to lose weight and I said no, to which she asked what the heck is going on. I just broke down... again... I can't tell you how much I love crying at the doctor's office, haha. But now it's official! Down 60 pounds since January 2010!
After my doctor's appointment, I had a couple of interesting conversations, one with a VIP, and they put a LOT into perspective for me. I'm very fortunate to have all that I have right now. Although I would love for my family to be here in Ohio with me, I'm very lucky that they are alive and healthy and have always supported me. I'm also very lucky to have a nice apartment, my children in my custody, a job and a car. And health insurance. Yea, it sucks to live paycheck to paycheck, but I need to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. And even though I care very much for what I don't have, I need to maintain a positive attitude for me and my boys and focus on what I do have going for me. I hope my positive attitude can rub off on others, and I hope that if you know me and see me in real life, that remind me of the need to be positive if you see me slipping.
To CL-WoW... I doubt you're reading this but thank you... The hour today meant the world to me. Everything WILL work out for you and I'll be there for a hug whenever you need it.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
DAY 25, Post 4
Soooo... My "Soul Mate Spec Sheet" in its revised form... (*are new)
1. Calls or texts within a day of first date
2. Doesn't mind and actually likes PDA
3. Sleeps on left side of bed
4. Knows how to and enjoys cooking
5. Sends texts/pictures during the day if/when thinking about me
6. At least 3 inches taller than me
7. At least 20 pounds heavier than me
8. In good shape
9. Smells good (Axe is a plus)
10. Likes kids
11. Likes video games*
12. Likes hockey
13. Likes to camp
14. Does not hunt
15. Great sense of humor
16. Reads books and/or magazines
17. Dark hair
18. Likes board games
19. Plays WoW*
20. Likes animals
21. Likes to stare at the stars
22. Likes to build things/work with hands
23. Looks at the glass as at least 1/2 full
24. Will eat cereal for dinner
25. Will take chances
26. Is spontaneous
27. Is NOT a couch potato
28. Loves to travel
29. Opens doors for me
30. Mixes CDs for me (or makes playlists on my iPOD for me)
31. Interested in architecture
32. Interested in restoring/renovating houses/buildings
33. Within 5 years of my age
34. Has a library card
35. Knows how to do laundry
36. Would dress up for Halloween
37. Has 3-5 (minimum) good local friends
38. Will paint my toenails
39. Voted for Obama
40. Hums or whistles
41. Will buy tampons/feminine products at the store
42. Has never been in jail
43. Is close to his family*
44. Likes ethnic food (Indian/Thai/Greek)
45. Doesn't mind if food touches*
46. Likes garbage plates*
47. Likes Sushi
48. Owns a swimsuit and likes to swim
49. Buys me tulips, even if they are out of season
50. Makes an effort to meet/know my friends
51. Likes my family and they like him*
52. Initiates activities with my boys
53. Stops by my office/work to say hi if in the area
54. Pays attention to positive details
55. Rubs my head/strokes my hair
56. Gives awesome massages
57. Awesome in bed* (hey, this is my list)
58. Loves to cuddle*
59. Takes out the garbage*
60. Hugging him is like dancing, even if we're standing still*
61. Says hello and goodbye with a kiss, hug and a smile*
62. Introduces me to local friends/family voluntarily within first two months*
63. Understands that money doesn't mean crap to me and isn't embarrassed by his place/status in life*
64. Is willing/able to communicate openly with me about past, present and future*
65. Doesn't mind and enjoys if I surprise him at work with a coffee or for break/lunch*
66. Gives as much as he receives*
67. Must have a verbal filter* (Added 03-03-2011)
1. Calls or texts within a day of first date
2. Doesn't mind and actually likes PDA
3. Sleeps on left side of bed
4. Knows how to and enjoys cooking
5. Sends texts/pictures during the day if/when thinking about me
6. At least 3 inches taller than me
7. At least 20 pounds heavier than me
8. In good shape
9. Smells good (Axe is a plus)
10. Likes kids
11. Likes video games*
12. Likes hockey
13. Likes to camp
14. Does not hunt
15. Great sense of humor
16. Reads books and/or magazines
17. Dark hair
18. Likes board games
19. Plays WoW*
20. Likes animals
21. Likes to stare at the stars
22. Likes to build things/work with hands
23. Looks at the glass as at least 1/2 full
24. Will eat cereal for dinner
25. Will take chances
26. Is spontaneous
27. Is NOT a couch potato
28. Loves to travel
29. Opens doors for me
30. Mixes CDs for me (or makes playlists on my iPOD for me)
31. Interested in architecture
32. Interested in restoring/renovating houses/buildings
33. Within 5 years of my age
34. Has a library card
35. Knows how to do laundry
36. Would dress up for Halloween
37. Has 3-5 (minimum) good local friends
38. Will paint my toenails
39. Voted for Obama
40. Hums or whistles
41. Will buy tampons/feminine products at the store
42. Has never been in jail
43. Is close to his family*
44. Likes ethnic food (Indian/Thai/Greek)
45. Doesn't mind if food touches*
46. Likes garbage plates*
47. Likes Sushi
48. Owns a swimsuit and likes to swim
49. Buys me tulips, even if they are out of season
50. Makes an effort to meet/know my friends
51. Likes my family and they like him*
52. Initiates activities with my boys
53. Stops by my office/work to say hi if in the area
54. Pays attention to positive details
55. Rubs my head/strokes my hair
56. Gives awesome massages
57. Awesome in bed* (hey, this is my list)
58. Loves to cuddle*
59. Takes out the garbage*
60. Hugging him is like dancing, even if we're standing still*
61. Says hello and goodbye with a kiss, hug and a smile*
62. Introduces me to local friends/family voluntarily within first two months*
63. Understands that money doesn't mean crap to me and isn't embarrassed by his place/status in life*
64. Is willing/able to communicate openly with me about past, present and future*
65. Doesn't mind and enjoys if I surprise him at work with a coffee or for break/lunch*
66. Gives as much as he receives*
67. Must have a verbal filter* (Added 03-03-2011)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
DAY 23, Post 5
Moving on...
I decided to make a list of things I'm looking forward to, even if they aren't in the cards for the near future...
I decided to make a list of things I'm looking forward to, even if they aren't in the cards for the near future...
- April 14, 2011 and D-Day
- Painting my apartment
- Building my dream house... someday
- Finding true love
- Hearing "I Love You" from someone besides my family or my boys
- Getting a job I LOVE
- Paying off my bills and not having to worry about money
- Traveling
- Visiting my family in New York
- Driving cross country
- Going to Europe
- Being totally happy
- Never having to let go
- Summer
- Having an organized, furnished apartment
- Painting
- Passionate, deep kisses
- Hugs that don't end and feel like dancing
- Eternal smiles
- Public Displays of Affection
- Finishing my blanket
- Forgiving the past
- Reading the entire Bible
- Cleaning out my DVR
Thursday, February 3, 2011
DAY FOUR - Part 1
I know I'll be writing more today, but I had to sign in and say that today is starting better than last night ended. After posting my DAY THREE entry, I decided I needed to get my attitude turned around and start thinking positively again. I know something and somebody good WILL come my way. And I know I just need to visualize it to manifest it.
The snow/ice messed up a date I had planned for last night, but aside from that I didn't even talk to him yesterday. A single dad with custody of his children, I know and appreciate the amount of stuff he has to do on yet another unplanned snow day. However, (hint hint), a little bit of contact goes a LOOOONG way with me.
Aunt Flushy was going to meet me in Cleveland Sunday night with a lot of G-ma's furniture (including a couch, dressers, and a REAL Queen sized bed, although my air mattress doesn't bother me), however with this weather those plans have been pushed back. I don't know if I was looking more forward to the furniture or seeing family. Honestly, I think it was the latter. Hugs from family members mean so much, however I miss hugs that last for hours and feel like dancing even though we're standing still.
I've decided to focus on summer. Forget this crappy winter. Well, not all crappy, just the weather and breaking-up part. I'm going to focus on the boys' Junior Baseball starting in April, and a pool membership in June. I'm going to soak up some sun and smile. Maybe that's what I need to visualize when I go to bed every night... The upcoming sunshine and warm weather...
The snow/ice messed up a date I had planned for last night, but aside from that I didn't even talk to him yesterday. A single dad with custody of his children, I know and appreciate the amount of stuff he has to do on yet another unplanned snow day. However, (hint hint), a little bit of contact goes a LOOOONG way with me.
Aunt Flushy was going to meet me in Cleveland Sunday night with a lot of G-ma's furniture (including a couch, dressers, and a REAL Queen sized bed, although my air mattress doesn't bother me), however with this weather those plans have been pushed back. I don't know if I was looking more forward to the furniture or seeing family. Honestly, I think it was the latter. Hugs from family members mean so much, however I miss hugs that last for hours and feel like dancing even though we're standing still.
I've decided to focus on summer. Forget this crappy winter. Well, not all crappy, just the weather and breaking-up part. I'm going to focus on the boys' Junior Baseball starting in April, and a pool membership in June. I'm going to soak up some sun and smile. Maybe that's what I need to visualize when I go to bed every night... The upcoming sunshine and warm weather...
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