I'll Whistle While I Work

I arrived at work nearly an hour and a half early this morning.  Why?  Thanks to the incredibly supportive man in my life, I fell asleep on the couch at 7pm last night and slept right through, besides being woken to go to bed.  This morning I feel COMPLETELY refreshed, alert and ready to go.  That feeling in itself is refreshing.  When I fall asleep at 7, however, I start waking up around 3am, wondering when the alarm is going to go off.  By 5am I gave up sleeping and decided to make it an early day at work.

When I arrived, the first email I saw was K-Love's Encouraging Word of the Day, and how completely appropriate it was, for me at least...

"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." ~Colossians 3:23

I must admit, I've become lazy.  At work, at home, in life in general.  And I need to change that.  I don't focus on what I don't have, but when I'm not completely satisfied with what I do have (my job, despite loving the people and being great at it), I put it on the side or back burner and choose to focus on other things.

But maybe that's why I'm not being presented with an opportunity that I would enjoy more.  Perhaps it's because I'm not working as hard as I can at what I do have, and making the most of it.  Perhaps I need to "whistle while I work" and that will be the key to opening more doors.

Besides work, I have been exploring other opportunities.  Dave will be starting school in the next couple of weeks (going for his Bachelors in Game Art and Design!), and hearing him talk about it makes me think about going back myself to finish my Bachelors in Graphic Design.  No, the thought of taking out more student loans does NOT excite me, however at least payment on my current loans would stop until I wrapped up the next degree.  And where I live now is not an interior design mecca.  Besides doing free-lance work, I do not see myself finding a job in the field I was formerly educated in. 

Today I believe I'll focus on doing the best I can at everything I do, and stop being lazy and avoiding what I don't particularly want to do.

DAY 355, Post 2

While I wrote earlier that today is going better than yesterday, I decided that I have to add that I'm finding it ridiculously difficult to get any work done.  I'm sitting at work more or less staring at screen wondering what I should/have to do next.  It doesn't really help that I'm on top of all the work that's come in and have already gotten 99.9 percent of my work done.  Looking around my cubicle, all I can really see that needs done is that my desk should be wiped down.  But I really don't feel like it.

Dave's packed my lunch for the past couple of days, and after eating I start feeling really sleepy shortly thereafter.  I wish I could unfold a sleeping bag under my desk and take a nap (I type, yawning).

I probably shouldn't be admitting this, but what often fills my day is random thoughts.  I mean, right now I'm staring at my water bottle wondering how many ounces are in a gallon.  Do you know?  (Looking on google.com to find out)  128 fl. oz. are in a gallon.  So...  I have a 32 fl. oz. water bottle and I drink at least two a day.  No wonder another portion of my day is filled with trips to the ladies room!

But with that said, it's time to fill my water bottle back up for the third time today, haha.

Day 323

I've come to the realization that I do NOT like slow days at work. While some people may enjoy the fact that they can theoretically do what they want, I find my eyes wanting to close, and myself endlessly daydreaming about what I'd rather be doing. I like being busy. No, I don't like getting down to the wire with tasks that need to be done, but I really enjoy having a stream of projects to work on.

The boys have been with their dad since Wednesday and do not come home to Dave and I until Christmas Day (Sunday) at 3pm. I miss them. We enjoy the quiet, don't get me wrong, however... After a day or so it's almost too quiet.

Dave can't wait to give me my Christmas presents, and I can't wait to see Dave and the boys open theirs. The materialistic aura around Christmas continues to trouble me, however I love to give. Honestly, I have everything I could possibly want. If there were no presents under the tree for me, I would be perfectly ok with that.

Alright, I am going to move on to pretending I'm working on something else...  In all reality, I'm probably listening to Tony Robbins and trying to develop a way to become financially successful.  :-)

DAY 129, Post 1

So there's been a few days since my last post. Why? Because I, of all people, was asked to help write the office internet policy. And one of the many topics discussed is that we're not supposed to blog. Am I surprised? No. However in the times when I don't have work to do, it would be nice to be able to jump on here and write a few lines.

Today was an amazing day, and in many ways prayers were answered. Dave got a job today and will be starting tomorrow... In the same building as me. We will work in different parts of the building, but... WoW!

We're both tired and getting ready for bed but I couldn't go to sleep without sharing the good news.

Good night and God bless!

DAY 102, Post 2

I can feel my belly growing...  The delicacies prepared by Dave in the kitchen and on the grill are already impacting my weight.  I can feel it.  And it's funny...  I know it's happening because a dress I bought two weeks ago (and am wearing for the first time today) doesn't fit as well around the boobs as it did before.  No, I'm not pregnant.  BUT, I did notice that when I lost weight I lost it in my boobs.  Hmmm...

Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill.  I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria.  The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.

Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers.  The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha.  It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him. 

Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy.  Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma.  I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit.  I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools.  If I could buy him one of everything, I would.

I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves.  Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear.  Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home.  Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car.  It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face.  Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.

I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad.  I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die?  Am I in heaven?"  I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring.  Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!

DAY 78, Post 2

WoW...  Today marks three months since THAT day...  I never knew that would be the last kiss.  I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be...  It.  I was just SO hurt and SO angry.  I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested.  I still don't I suppose.  I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.

Because honestly...  I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last.  I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car.  I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him.  And I don't want that day to have been...  It...  It was too good before then to just end like that.

It's 2am and I'm awake.  And I don't want to be.  I want to be asleep.  But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts. 

I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me.  He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him.  Penny's also curled up next to him.  It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.

DAY 67, Post 2

I am completely exhausted, physically and just about emotionally.  I worked 9-1/2 hours today, which was long, but was nice because it got me a little bit closer to having overtime this week as I was only scheduled for 7 hours.  But still, working 2-1/2 hours past when I was planning becomes a little draining.  Luckily, the last couple hours flew by.

I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew.  And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see.  Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.

Tonight is night two of not having the boys.  Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday.  It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself.  It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it.  I should go though.  Perhaps when I'm done posting.

Actually, I don't know what else to write.  My mind is just sorta...  Numb.  I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now.  And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness.  I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.

DAY 65, Post 4

I want to put a HUGE thank you out there to my sweetie-pie Thing 2.  He totally made my night by having a dance party in the living room with me.  We danced to "Try a Little Tenderness", and let me tell you...  I could feel it in my belly when we were through!  Now I know how I'm going to get rid of the belly fat that doesn't want to go away, despite the weight loss.

The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at.  And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices.  I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.

Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking...  Now what?  What do I put my efforts in to now?  I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was.  I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face.  Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me.  And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has.  So...  HA!

But really...  What now?  Where do I concentrate my efforts?  I am thinking job searching would be a good route.  And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters.  The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject.  While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt.  I got myself into this mess.  To me, I really should try to get myself out of it.  Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation.  I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.

Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life.  And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people.  An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about.  I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling.  I REALLY want to help people.  But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while...  At least a few months if not a year.  Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.

DAY 54, Post 5

I've come to the realization that my thoughts, my worries, are impossible to silence. So is, apparently, the backspace key after an evening out involving a bottle of Merlot.

I had a pleasant evening out in the company of a nice guy, but the whole time I was thinking about, and worrying about CL-WoW. Even now, bundled up in my bed with my legs wrapped around my body pillow, my thoughts remain on him. How is he doing? Is he alright? Could he use someone to talk to? Could he use a hug?

Seriously, the backspace button on my Blackberry is saving me from looking like an ass. I probably look like one anyway though. At this point, I don't really care.

DAY 54, Post 3

I'm completely exhausted, yet my brain is in complete over-drive.  Actually, I have no desire to sit at home, and would get up and drive if I didn't have to finish drying clothes for the boys.  They are at DH's this weekend.  I can't say I won't be driving after I drop the clothes off at his house.  It's either that or pass out on the living room floor, as I don't feel like making my bed.

Work was...  Work today.  I kept my mouth shut and not that I ever let myself stand still (unless there is a customer at the register with me), I definitely didn't let myself stand still.  SK, one of the two managers I like, told me I did great today.  That made me feel better...  Sort of.  The funny, although not of the ha-ha kind, is that three others asked me if I had gotten my break today.  I guess it was made more of a conversation last night after I left.  I choose not to think about that though.

I look around my apartment, and although it's not a wreck, Penny knows how to make a mess while nobody's at home.  Yarn and shoes are strewn all over the living room, I know I really should clean them up.  But...  I really don't feel like it.  I want to snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and have everything put away where it belongs.

It's a good thing I'm not a drinker.  And by drinker I mean serious, hard-core drinker.  Because if I was, I would probably spend the night in a bar.  And a drink doesn't even sound appetizing, just the numbing effects do.

DAY 51, Post 2

One of the toughest parts of being a mom is being a nice, caring, giving mom.  And I don't mean the type of nice, caring, giving mom who buys special treats at the grocery store.  No.  I'm talking about the nice, caring giving mom who shares her bed with her sick child after he gets sick in his own bed.

And then he throws up in her bed.

And she sleeps on the living room floor...  again...

DAY 50, Post 2

Today I receive my first glimpse of what being a single mom with a sick child is like.  DH wouldn't help me, and replied to the last of my texts with a snippy response.  I didn't appreciate it.  So, I had to call off work.  Gulp.  I hate calling off work.  I've called off work enough already, and with April rent looming right around the corner, any missed day hurts.

Last night was a rough night of sleep.  I slept on the floor in the living room for a good bit so that I wouldn't disturb Thing 1 who was sleeping in my bed.  When I did go to my bed, I dreamt.  And once again he was in my dreams.  It's agonizing seeing him in my dreams.  And for some reason in my dream last night he brought 30 people with him and they wanted to play some game where we all crammed into a car.  Did you know you can get claustrophobic in a dream?  Well, you can!

The dream took place at a hotel where the elevators when up, down, forward, back, left and right.  And I was lost.  I feel lost anyways, and I guess it was reflected in my dream.  I couldn't find the path to where I wanted to go, and that's how I feel in my everyday life.  And it sucks.  I don't want to move on, per say, but I know that where I am right now is not working.

DAY 49, Post 2

What a beautiful first day of spring. Unfortunately Thing 1 is sick and is in my bed sleeping the afternoon away. Thing 2 and I, however, are outside, enjoying the fresh air with Julie's son (also 5 years old), Penny, and Penny's brother (who Julie adopted), Finn.

This is what elastic waisted pants were invented for... 

Despite Thing 1 being ill, we went to church this morning. Again, I left feeling like the sermon was directed at me. Today the preacher (don't know who he was today) was speaking about the company Jesus tended to keep. While he could have invited or been invited by any number of God following members of his society, he socialized a lot with people who needed God in their lives and were lacking his presence. He directed us not to cast such people out of our lives, but to help them find the way of God. Wow.

While there are people who have been in my life who need God, and there are still, I will admit that there a few in particular that I choose to never to have any type of social relationship with ever again. But for the rest, I will be more mindful not to cast them aside immediately, despite the path I am trying to follow for myself.

And for the one who has expressed how much Jesus is needed in their life, I hope you find him. I will help you in any way I can.

DAY 47, Post 2

It's been quite a day, and emotionally draining just about the whole way.

I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that.  Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.

But...  I went to the mall.  With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me.  I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40.  I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.

After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit.  I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow.  I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside.  And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.

Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment.  They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match.  I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits.  To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad.  That was sooo hard for me to hear.  He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him.  It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy."  I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys.  Do they make bad decisions sometimes?  Yes!  But don't we all?

DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances.  And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough.  It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.

DAY 45, Post 2

I'm caught in the loop of not giving up again...  And not being able to let go...  Persistance really does suck sometimes.

Mom asked me tonight why I can't let go, and I couldn't come up with an answer.  Period.  I just can't.  Something is continuing to pull me in that direction, and while I try to distract myself, sometimes it just doesn't work.

I go to bed each night praying to God to show me the path I'm supposed to take, and each night I have dreams about him.  I'm starting to resent sleep, because they show me false illusions...  A non-reality that I would accept in a second if I could have it.  But...  I can't? (Question mark intentional)

DAY 42, Post 2

I'm feeling a little bit like a Mercy Me song I've been listening to...

"I'm finding myself
At a loss for words
And the funny thing is
It's ok."
~Word of God Speak

This past week was interesting...  Good, bad, easy, difficult, funny, sad, etc.  I really don't know what, if anything, I could say about it.

Entertaining enough, however, was work yesterday.  The hot water heater broke, again, so the restaurant had to shut down for a bit at 3:30ish.  I was off at 4, however, so it didn't impact me.  I hadn't gotten a break, so I helped reduce some of the inventory before they had to throw it out by eating before leaving.  While I was eating, the evening shift crew started cleaning, preparing for a solid close.  One of the workers was cleaning the fryer (I think) and the next thing I knew, I heard yelling and saw flames, small flames, coming from the fryer.  It's funny how some people, including myself, don't know how to put out a grease fire.  Luckily someone knew and threw salt on the flames.

Tonight I tried out the Singles Group at Ginghamsburg.  I was younger than everyone else by about 15 years and for me that was sort of difficult.  I can't explain it, but to say I was looking for people closer to my age who would know what I'm going through.  While some of them knew and understood, I just felt...  Awkward.  I decided to leave at "Intermission" and come home.

CT and I hung out for the past two nights, and Julie helped me organize my inventory on Friday night.  Thank you, Julie!  I made pasta on Friday night for CT and I, and I have to say that a highlight of the evening was the pasta readiness test...  After we had already eaten.  There is a secret to throwing pasta, and sometimes it sticks better than others.

Right now I'm watching the portion of Star Trek (the movie) that I slept through last night.  We started off the night with Jackass 3 and pizza from Cassanos (thank you, Bronco!!), but I just couldn't last through a second movie.  I don't think I've ever been able to last through two movies.  Jackass 3, by the way, is hilarious, but also gag-inducing.  I'm just glad the boys didn't see it.  I don't even want to think about the crazy ideas they would get watching it.

Now, I think it's laundry time for me.  So much to fold, and I believe a clean apartment would make me feel better.  Unfortunately all the scrapbooking supplies I recovered are taking up a huge amount of space.

DAY 40, Post 3

If it hasn't already been written, somebody needs to write a handyman guide for the single woman.  And they need to make sure to include a chapter on how to check if the furnace is working, and if not, how to fix it.  Last night it was colder than normal in my apartment, and even though the thermostat was set to 75 (Yea, I know, very high), it showed the interior temperature at 60.

Panic set in.

With finances being as tight as they are, sometimes bills get paid a little late.  And this month the gas bill was late.  But it WAS paid.  I re-read the bill several times, and a pit formed in my stomach when I read what the reconnect fee would be.  $60.  I won't deny, I don't have $60.  And I don't get paid again until next Friday.

I put on extra layers, double-checked that the boys had enough blankets, and went to sleep.  There's nothing you can do at 2am besides go to sleep.  This morning when I woke up, out of habit, I ran the hot water.  And amazingly enough, it WAS hot!  A sigh of relief partially passed through me, however I called the gas company to make sure my service wasn't disconnected.  And it wasn't!  Thank goodness for small miracles!

So now, after a call to the apartment complex's super, my apartment is warming back up.  It took him about 10 minutes, and I heard that comforting click of the furnace kicking on.  Warm air blew out of the vents, and I became reassured, at least for one more day, that everything is going to be okay.

DAY 40, Post 2

What a difference a couple of days makes!

I'm up at 2am, and for once it's not because I woke up thinking about too much.  Actually, CT graced me with a phone call after work, and I have to say, I enjoy having friends who work 2nd shift.  Having someone to talk to in the dead of the night is REALLY great!

Anyway, he made me terribly hungry while making himself a breakfast burrito, and I made myself a ridiculous plate of Pizza Rolls.  Ridiculous meaning like thirty of them...  Drenched in Smoked Tobasco Sauce...  Mmmm...  It's WONDERFUL to be eating again!

CT's Breakfast Burrito (picture messaged to me...  to make me jealous, I think)

Here's what was left of my pizza rolls when I was full...

Did I mention that the hospital weighed me when I was in triage the other night?  148.1.  Yea.  Not good.  If I lose any more I want it to be because I'm exercising and doing activities that are good for me.  NOT due to stressing out and not eating.

I'm entering this weekend with plans already, and it feels great to know my weekend doesn't revolve around work.  Tomorrow night I'll be scrapbooking (in some way or another) with Julie, and then I'm making dinner for CT and I.  (Julie, if you read this - you and J are invited!)  Then...  I get to SLEEP IN on Saturday morning before having to work from 11-4.  I am happy to be able to go to church on Saturday after work...  Pending they let me out on time.  I guess I'll have to see.

DAY 35, Post 3

When we lived in Mt. Vernon, NY in the early 2000's, I read a TON of books. The library was my source of exercise and solace, and I would push Thing 1 in his stroller two miles each way to get to the beautiful Bronxville library. We would make thre trip at least once a week.

One of the books I read was by Patricia Heaton (I think... I'm on my Blackberry and don't feel like looking it up), the female star of... The book was called Motherhood and Hollywood: How to Get a Job Like Mine and chronicled her career as an actress and mother.

She brought up, and I have to ask you moms out there, have you noticed that you give the perfect toast to your kids and keep the burnt toast to yourself? That's what I do!

Anyway, I find myself eating burnt toast tonight but in another sense... Last night there seemed to be urinary problems in my house. Thing 2 wet his bed, and Miki, the fat cat, decided to pee on Thing 1's bed. Laundry has taken farrrr too long today, and now I find myself in Thing 2's bed with an extra blanket while the boys enjoy my bed with all clean sheets and lots of pillows. Mmm, how I would love to be snuggled up with my body pillow right around now...

DAY 33, Post 2

I've been having trouble sleeping. Even at 230 am, however, it's amazing that I can still find comforting ears to talk to.

But now, over an hour later, I'm in bed and I decided to read the Bible...

Proverbs 3:21-24
"My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down your sleep will be sweet."

Hmmmm...