Today I breathe easier. And I must say that I wrote that first sentence hours ago. But now, I breathe a LOT easier.
Putting our trust in God showed us in the last 24 hours how he WILL provide what we need. And it re-affirms how I need to be more faithful and less stressed on a daily basis, and with whatever this world throws at me. When the world throws poop at us, God will help us wash it off.
For me, it meant a little bit of compassion and assistance from DH. He is helping with daycare costs a little bit more until my tax return comes.
For Dave, it means a new job.
And for us, it means that we have decided not to proceed with a big wedding with all the festivities next year. We realized while talking last night that we were each planning the big ceremony for the other person, but in all actuality, all we need individually is the small ceremony we're having this year. We'll have each other and our immediate family. THAT is what is most important. NOT spending thousands of dollars on a party.
And with that last part said, I need to resurrect the "Song of the Day."
Showing posts with label DH. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DH. Show all posts
Friday, February 10, 2012
Monday, December 19, 2011
Day 323
I've come to the realization that I do NOT like slow days at work. While some people may enjoy the fact that they can theoretically do what they want, I find my eyes wanting to close, and myself endlessly daydreaming about what I'd rather be doing. I like being busy. No, I don't like getting down to the wire with tasks that need to be done, but I really enjoy having a stream of projects to work on.
The boys have been with their dad since Wednesday and do not come home to Dave and I until Christmas Day (Sunday) at 3pm. I miss them. We enjoy the quiet, don't get me wrong, however... After a day or so it's almost too quiet.
Dave can't wait to give me my Christmas presents, and I can't wait to see Dave and the boys open theirs. The materialistic aura around Christmas continues to trouble me, however I love to give. Honestly, I have everything I could possibly want. If there were no presents under the tree for me, I would be perfectly ok with that.
Alright, I am going to move on to pretending I'm working on something else... In all reality, I'm probably listening to Tony Robbins and trying to develop a way to become financially successful. :-)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Day 226
Monday got my week off to a bumpy start but Tuesday seems to be starting much better. The boys even got up before me this morning and were ready to leave for daycare by 7:30, which... Got me to work EARLY!
This morning Dave sent me a quote request he got at his new job. A customer requested multiples of certain items, and while my first response was "Oh my goodness!", at second glance I couldn't help but notice that the customer wrote (s)he "needed" a quote for these items. It never ceases to amaze me what people think they need. And when I think about it, "Need" is really such a strong word. Think about it. What do you REALLY need? Food? Water? Clothing or some variation of? And some type of shelter? But isn't that it?
DH used to say "I need a #1..." when we went through the McDonalds drive through, and I found it obnoxious then. I think now I realize that people saying "I need..." is one of my few pet peeves. I challenge you, from here on out, to listen to yourself when you're asking for something. Are you polite? Do you say "please" and "thank you"? Try it. You might surprise yourself.
This morning Dave sent me a quote request he got at his new job. A customer requested multiples of certain items, and while my first response was "Oh my goodness!", at second glance I couldn't help but notice that the customer wrote (s)he "needed" a quote for these items. It never ceases to amaze me what people think they need. And when I think about it, "Need" is really such a strong word. Think about it. What do you REALLY need? Food? Water? Clothing or some variation of? And some type of shelter? But isn't that it?
DH used to say "I need a #1..." when we went through the McDonalds drive through, and I found it obnoxious then. I think now I realize that people saying "I need..." is one of my few pet peeves. I challenge you, from here on out, to listen to yourself when you're asking for something. Are you polite? Do you say "please" and "thank you"? Try it. You might surprise yourself.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
DAY 163, Post 1
It never ceases to amaze me how completely miserable some people are willing to be 24/7. Whether they be friends, family, exes or co-workers, I just want to smack them into a state of contented bliss. Even during my lowest times, I did not allow myself to walk around in a state where I allowed myself to be a bitch to everyone around me.
The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him. I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it. DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house. To me, this is not acceptable. When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand. They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle. We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys. But for him, that is not possible.
Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails. To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago. My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate.
Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman. The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her. And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life. Well, except with DH. Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.
The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him. I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it. DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house. To me, this is not acceptable. When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand. They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle. We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys. But for him, that is not possible.
Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails. To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago. My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate.
Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman. The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her. And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life. Well, except with DH. Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Day 152, Post 1
Yes, I am at work. I'm continuing to work on a special project with a couple of great co-workers, however today is review day and... It gets a bit boring. Except for when one of them starts tapping out sitcom theme songs on the table and a google search for the actual theme song follows. That's what's happening now.
I talked to the boys last night (they are at their dad's), and I feel bad for their dad. Why? At the end of the conversation they wanted to know when they are coming back to my house and wanted to blow me kisses. They don't do that during conversations with their dad, but that's because he hasn't earned the respect from them to receive that type of treatment. And that sucks.
Dave and I are continuing to work wonderfully as a team. Last night we relished in the fact that we paid the rent not only on-time, but a day early. While this may seem like a small accomplishment to some, it's huge to us. Although it will be slow-going, we see in our near future that all bills (well, all household bills, not my personal debt) will be caught up, on time, and paid on a timely basis. And that's a WONDERFUL feeling. While in the past I hated with a passion the necessary task of balancing my checkbook... And refused to do it... Now I have an Excel file that breaks down all my spending into categories and I check my bank account on a daily basis. Plus, I have a yearly tab which shows the spending per category from one month to the next and is truly an eye-opener. I have to remember that the month of May included a road-trip for the four of us back to New York, but the amount I/we spent eating out was ridiculous!
I can't figure out how to include my spreadsheet (my figures excluded) to this post, but if you would like the file to use for yourself, let me know!
I talked to the boys last night (they are at their dad's), and I feel bad for their dad. Why? At the end of the conversation they wanted to know when they are coming back to my house and wanted to blow me kisses. They don't do that during conversations with their dad, but that's because he hasn't earned the respect from them to receive that type of treatment. And that sucks.
Dave and I are continuing to work wonderfully as a team. Last night we relished in the fact that we paid the rent not only on-time, but a day early. While this may seem like a small accomplishment to some, it's huge to us. Although it will be slow-going, we see in our near future that all bills (well, all household bills, not my personal debt) will be caught up, on time, and paid on a timely basis. And that's a WONDERFUL feeling. While in the past I hated with a passion the necessary task of balancing my checkbook... And refused to do it... Now I have an Excel file that breaks down all my spending into categories and I check my bank account on a daily basis. Plus, I have a yearly tab which shows the spending per category from one month to the next and is truly an eye-opener. I have to remember that the month of May included a road-trip for the four of us back to New York, but the amount I/we spent eating out was ridiculous!
I can't figure out how to include my spreadsheet (my figures excluded) to this post, but if you would like the file to use for yourself, let me know!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Day 148, Post 1
I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
DAY 137, Post 1
I think the hardest part of my job is knowing what to do when I have nothing to do. Right now is obviously one of those moments. At no previous job has my desk ever been cleaner than my desk is right now. Is there clutter on it? Yes. But only of the kind that my co-workers need and I can't put in a drawer that may be locked when they go to get it. So... The Franklin Covey puncher for organizer pages stays on my desk, taking up a valuable two-square-feet..
A definite perk of this job is the plethora of K-Cup options for the Keurig machine in the break rooms. With probably a minimum of 20 flavors, I've been able to try my tongue at them without having to buy a whole box at the grocery store. At $7.99/box, I would hate to get a box home and discover upon the first sip that I detest the flavor. Thanks to Dave and his sweet tooth, I've started putting sugar in my coffee again and have been able to stomach every flavor the break room has to offer.
And the highlights of my job?! The continued ability to have lunch with Dave every day. And today we carpooled. (Can it be considered carpooling when we only drive a quarter-mile at most to work?) Unfortunately the lunches and carpooling will stop next week when his schedule moves up an hour-and-a-half, but we'll still be able to see each other on breaks.
This is the boys' weekend with their Dad, quite appropriately considering it's Father's Day weekend, and Dave and I are enjoying a little bit of quiet already. Weekends begin Wednesday night and don't end until I pick them up after work on Monday. I can't fully figure out what to do for Dave for Father's Day though. K is across the ocean, and my bank account is suffering, but I still want to do something special for him. He is an amazing father to his daughter, an amazing role-model for my boys, and an amazing person altogether. I just want him to have an amazing day.
A definite perk of this job is the plethora of K-Cup options for the Keurig machine in the break rooms. With probably a minimum of 20 flavors, I've been able to try my tongue at them without having to buy a whole box at the grocery store. At $7.99/box, I would hate to get a box home and discover upon the first sip that I detest the flavor. Thanks to Dave and his sweet tooth, I've started putting sugar in my coffee again and have been able to stomach every flavor the break room has to offer.
And the highlights of my job?! The continued ability to have lunch with Dave every day. And today we carpooled. (Can it be considered carpooling when we only drive a quarter-mile at most to work?) Unfortunately the lunches and carpooling will stop next week when his schedule moves up an hour-and-a-half, but we'll still be able to see each other on breaks.
This is the boys' weekend with their Dad, quite appropriately considering it's Father's Day weekend, and Dave and I are enjoying a little bit of quiet already. Weekends begin Wednesday night and don't end until I pick them up after work on Monday. I can't fully figure out what to do for Dave for Father's Day though. K is across the ocean, and my bank account is suffering, but I still want to do something special for him. He is an amazing father to his daughter, an amazing role-model for my boys, and an amazing person altogether. I just want him to have an amazing day.
Monday, May 23, 2011
DAY 113, Post 1
When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends. Well, let me revise that. I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.
But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend. And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so. This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could... Just because...
Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.
I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later... Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park. I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there. The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers. It was amazing! Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play. Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face! Luckily he got the ball with his glove. Unfortunately, he dropped it. But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously! And yesterday...
Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany. Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months. After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet. The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time. As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be. :-)
Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!
But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend. And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so. This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could... Just because...
Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.
I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later... Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park. I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there. The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers. It was amazing! Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play. Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face! Luckily he got the ball with his glove. Unfortunately, he dropped it. But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously! And yesterday...
Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany. Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months. After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet. The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time. As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be. :-)
Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
DAY 109, Post 1
Last night Dave and I didn't have the boys so we took the opportunity, as horrible and selfish as it may sound, to eat out. No, I will not deny that we don't eat out with them because of the extra cost associated with feeding two more mouths. And... It's just so much more enjoyable eating out when it's only the two of us.
Anyway... When we arrived back home, DH was in the parking lot, kids in the car with him, and being a giant a**. I won't disclose the details of his attitude, however neither Dave nor I appreciated the way that he spoke to me. And Dave let him know it. And DH's response? Something along the lines of "Get out of my way you stupid jerk!"
Everyday I think more and more about getting a restraining order against him. However I fear the consequences of performing such actions. What would he/could he do to retaliate against me? And the only reason I would get the order is because I am more than tired of him verbally accosting me, whereever and whenever he wants. And his choice location lately seems to be at the boys' baseball games. And that's bullshit.
Anyway... When we arrived back home, DH was in the parking lot, kids in the car with him, and being a giant a**. I won't disclose the details of his attitude, however neither Dave nor I appreciated the way that he spoke to me. And Dave let him know it. And DH's response? Something along the lines of "Get out of my way you stupid jerk!"
Everyday I think more and more about getting a restraining order against him. However I fear the consequences of performing such actions. What would he/could he do to retaliate against me? And the only reason I would get the order is because I am more than tired of him verbally accosting me, whereever and whenever he wants. And his choice location lately seems to be at the boys' baseball games. And that's bullshit.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
DAY 107, Post 2
I'm beginning to think that my new job is God's way of telling me that I should have followed in my parents' footsteps and gone to school for accounting. Somehow the Administrative Assistant position here includes the special added responsibility of scouring through dozens of tabs on Excel spreadsheets to find where miniscule cost savings figures have come from. And while I normally enjoy detail orientated tasks, the one I've been working on for the past two days is making my eyes cross and blood boil. I'm just glad I didn't listen to my first instinct last night and take my work home with me, as I probably would have smashed the laptop before the night was over.
Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out. And it's raining... Again. And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved. DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch. But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there. Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.
I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read. The end reads,
"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."
Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.
Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out. And it's raining... Again. And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved. DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch. But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there. Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.
I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read. The end reads,
"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."
Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
DAY 101, Post 1
I love my new job. LOVE it. But the hours between 2 and 4pm seem to drag unmercilessly. And even worse are the days (like today) when I have eaten a big lunch and my eyes just want to keep crossing. Today the Mountain Dew and coffee don't seem to be helping either. So... I blog.
Yes, I know I shouldn't be doing this from work, but I have a dilemma as far as work is concerned. I'm GREAT at my job. And I'm quick to get my work done, which leaves me with a void in my To-Do pile. Currently I have work to do, however I'm waiting for responses from my co-workers before I can continue on any of it. And I've already cleaned my desk, including spraying it with cleaner, and my e-mail inbox. And I've started on a Power Point presentation for the weekly Monday Morning meeting, even though my pre-decessors didn't normally work on it until Friday. But, yes... I get satisfaction out of surprising people with the news that my work is already finished... Correctly... And ahead of schedule.
Yesterday Dave and I bought a grill and last night he made DELICIOUS beef ribs for dinner. I've never had beef ribs before, and even Mr. Picky Eater Thing 2 loved them! I have to say however, that I had absolutely no clue how much buying a Propane tank cost! Speedway charged over $50 for the tank (because we needed to buy a new tank, not just exchange an empty for a filled), but on a positive note, they give 1000 speedway points with a tank purchase. Now if I only knew how to cash in Speedway points... Hmmm...
Tonight is the first of our two much appreciated (regular) nights off from the boys of the week. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my boys. However, the quiet in the house for those two nights is... Welcomed with open arms... And I will say that I know I like it even more because I know their dad won't be calling to talk to them, even though he already saw them earlier in the day. Perhaps I'll come across as uncaring, but on the nights when he has them, I try to give him HIS time with them without interuptions from me. But he doesn't look at it that way. And I feel he intrudes on my time with the boys. And unfortunately for the boys (and him I guess), they don't want to talk to him when he calls. But he gives attitude to me and them if they don't talk to him, so I am forced to give them no option but to talk to him. And that sucks.
Alright.. Back to work.
Yes, I know I shouldn't be doing this from work, but I have a dilemma as far as work is concerned. I'm GREAT at my job. And I'm quick to get my work done, which leaves me with a void in my To-Do pile. Currently I have work to do, however I'm waiting for responses from my co-workers before I can continue on any of it. And I've already cleaned my desk, including spraying it with cleaner, and my e-mail inbox. And I've started on a Power Point presentation for the weekly Monday Morning meeting, even though my pre-decessors didn't normally work on it until Friday. But, yes... I get satisfaction out of surprising people with the news that my work is already finished... Correctly... And ahead of schedule.
Yesterday Dave and I bought a grill and last night he made DELICIOUS beef ribs for dinner. I've never had beef ribs before, and even Mr. Picky Eater Thing 2 loved them! I have to say however, that I had absolutely no clue how much buying a Propane tank cost! Speedway charged over $50 for the tank (because we needed to buy a new tank, not just exchange an empty for a filled), but on a positive note, they give 1000 speedway points with a tank purchase. Now if I only knew how to cash in Speedway points... Hmmm...
Tonight is the first of our two much appreciated (regular) nights off from the boys of the week. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my boys. However, the quiet in the house for those two nights is... Welcomed with open arms... And I will say that I know I like it even more because I know their dad won't be calling to talk to them, even though he already saw them earlier in the day. Perhaps I'll come across as uncaring, but on the nights when he has them, I try to give him HIS time with them without interuptions from me. But he doesn't look at it that way. And I feel he intrudes on my time with the boys. And unfortunately for the boys (and him I guess), they don't want to talk to him when he calls. But he gives attitude to me and them if they don't talk to him, so I am forced to give them no option but to talk to him. And that sucks.
Alright.. Back to work.
Monday, April 11, 2011
DAY 71, Post 2
I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today. I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise. And it feels great.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
DAY 67, Post 2
I am completely exhausted, physically and just about emotionally. I worked 9-1/2 hours today, which was long, but was nice because it got me a little bit closer to having overtime this week as I was only scheduled for 7 hours. But still, working 2-1/2 hours past when I was planning becomes a little draining. Luckily, the last couple hours flew by.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DAY 65, Post 3
Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
DAY 65, Post 2
Well, today could be the day! And although I'm overwhelmingly excited about that possibility, I'm starting to feel very nervous. Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.
I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there. And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close. The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore. It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys. I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me. OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us. And he watches my every move.
I started my own personal counseling this morning. It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it. So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists. The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me. I need to be pushed. I need to be challenged. And I hope to get this from her.
I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday. It had me at 141 pounds. Yikes. Or Yay? I don't really know what to think. The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds. I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college. And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes. My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore. Who would've known that boobs would shrink?
I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there. And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close. The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore. It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys. I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me. OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us. And he watches my every move.
I started my own personal counseling this morning. It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it. So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists. The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me. I need to be pushed. I need to be challenged. And I hope to get this from her.
I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday. It had me at 141 pounds. Yikes. Or Yay? I don't really know what to think. The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds. I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college. And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes. My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore. Who would've known that boobs would shrink?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
DAY 63, Post 3
Church was amazing this morning. Pastor Mike spoke a lot about forgiveness and said a few things that really spoke to me.
"Mercy is grace for the undeserved."
"Forgiveness isn't just for the offender but also for the one who was offended."
"The wise forgive but don't forget."
"Don't be a grace abuser."
"Divorce is sometimes the lesser of two mistakes."
No, I don't remember all of these things by myself when I leave church, but I take notes in the back of my Bible during the service. And I'm so glad I do. At first I worried that writing and highlighting in my Bible was sacreligious, but I've realized that how else am I going to remember the lessons and thoughts that really touched me?
A specific Bible verse also touched me...
"Let any one of you who is without a sin be the first to throw a stone at her."
John 8:7
Like my scoffer last night, how often are we ready to cast judgement on someone else, when we ourselves have committed wrongs in our own lives? And how fair is that?
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself..."
Romans 2:1
I left church feeling total forgiveness for all wrongs committed against me. And I mean ALL wrongs. And I can't tell you how much more uplifted I feel. To not feel anger or hatred is a marvelous thing. I hope that someday all the offenders, and anyone else as well, will be able to feel such forgiveness towards me.
For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
DAY 63, Post 2
The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
DAY 62, Post 3
I decided to take my yarn and knitting needles to the YMCA with me earlier today, both as a boredom buster and so that DH couldn't drive me crazy. And somehow, during the three hours that we were there, I managed to start and nearly finish yet another block for my blanket! I only had two, three-minute rows to finish after getting home (and a short nap), and voila!
Friday, April 1, 2011
DAY 61, Post 2
I can't really express how I've felt today. My emotions, feelings, etc. run all over the gamut. Tired, motivated, proud, spiritual... Those are just a few...
I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week. As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go. And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit. Because there certainly are. But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up. Will I be exhausted from working so much? Hell, yea! But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again. So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.
While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December. And writing that rent check was... Exhilirating. After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well. Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments! While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks. And I don't like having that little in my account. I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have... More... I handled it like shit. I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December. Woo hoo for me!
After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry. I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed. Yuck, I know. But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room.
And Penny... Damn her sometimes... This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night. Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny! Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago. Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each. So... I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold. The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear. Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.
The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid. Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now. Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well. The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat. And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so... Yea...
Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful. While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend. I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season. I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games. I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves. Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.
This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences. Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit. And I appreciate the lessons each have provided. It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way. With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do. But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers. Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them. So thank you, ladies! Patience truly is a virtue!
So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience. And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial. Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day. I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it. And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well. No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later. If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to. But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week. As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go. And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit. Because there certainly are. But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up. Will I be exhausted from working so much? Hell, yea! But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again. So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.
While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December. And writing that rent check was... Exhilirating. After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well. Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments! While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks. And I don't like having that little in my account. I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have... More... I handled it like shit. I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December. Woo hoo for me!
After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry. I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed. Yuck, I know. But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room.
And Penny... Damn her sometimes... This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night. Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny! Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago. Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each. So... I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold. The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear. Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.
The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid. Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now. Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well. The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat. And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so... Yea...
Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful. While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend. I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season. I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games. I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves. Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.
This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences. Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit. And I appreciate the lessons each have provided. It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way. With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do. But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers. Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them. So thank you, ladies! Patience truly is a virtue!
So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience. And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial. Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day. I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it. And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well. No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later. If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to. But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
Friday, March 25, 2011
DAY 54, Post 3
I'm completely exhausted, yet my brain is in complete over-drive. Actually, I have no desire to sit at home, and would get up and drive if I didn't have to finish drying clothes for the boys. They are at DH's this weekend. I can't say I won't be driving after I drop the clothes off at his house. It's either that or pass out on the living room floor, as I don't feel like making my bed.
Work was... Work today. I kept my mouth shut and not that I ever let myself stand still (unless there is a customer at the register with me), I definitely didn't let myself stand still. SK, one of the two managers I like, told me I did great today. That made me feel better... Sort of. The funny, although not of the ha-ha kind, is that three others asked me if I had gotten my break today. I guess it was made more of a conversation last night after I left. I choose not to think about that though.
I look around my apartment, and although it's not a wreck, Penny knows how to make a mess while nobody's at home. Yarn and shoes are strewn all over the living room, I know I really should clean them up. But... I really don't feel like it. I want to snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and have everything put away where it belongs.
It's a good thing I'm not a drinker. And by drinker I mean serious, hard-core drinker. Because if I was, I would probably spend the night in a bar. And a drink doesn't even sound appetizing, just the numbing effects do.
Work was... Work today. I kept my mouth shut and not that I ever let myself stand still (unless there is a customer at the register with me), I definitely didn't let myself stand still. SK, one of the two managers I like, told me I did great today. That made me feel better... Sort of. The funny, although not of the ha-ha kind, is that three others asked me if I had gotten my break today. I guess it was made more of a conversation last night after I left. I choose not to think about that though.
I look around my apartment, and although it's not a wreck, Penny knows how to make a mess while nobody's at home. Yarn and shoes are strewn all over the living room, I know I really should clean them up. But... I really don't feel like it. I want to snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and have everything put away where it belongs.
It's a good thing I'm not a drinker. And by drinker I mean serious, hard-core drinker. Because if I was, I would probably spend the night in a bar. And a drink doesn't even sound appetizing, just the numbing effects do.
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