Day 310

I'm out of the office on lunch and it occurred to me that I haven't updated the blog lately.


My silence has been the result of extreme happiness and hard work. Dave, the boys and I are all happy and healthy, and we are gearing up for Christmas. I've been trying to impress upon the boys this Christmas season what the true meaning of the holiday is. It's not about what we get, but about what we have and why we have it.


But I won't deny that's difficult. With a six-year-old (and nine-year-old) in the house, visions of Santa with a bag of presents are very prominent.


We have made K-Love, a national Christian radio station, a fixture in our lives, and I heard on it yesterday that the average PERSON (not couple, family, etc.) spends $700/year on Christmas presents.  I let out an audible "phooooooo."  $700/year...  That's essentially rent for a month for us.  So here I am trying to figure out how to make Christmas great on maybe $300, and I hear that the average person spends $700.  So if you're reading this, I challenge you to remember what Christmas is really about, and try to focus on that instead.


Dave asked me over the weekend what I want for Christmas and my response (after telling him - him), was a new coffee cup.  Yes, that's all I want.  A new travel mug that doesn't leak when I try to take a sip out of it.  But I guess I never cease to surprise him.  I know he knows I'm not materialistic, but at the time of the year when most people send out mile long Christmas-lists with hundreds of dollars of ideas that they'll probably never use, I choose to be real.  And even when I stretch my brain, I can't think of anything else I want for Christmas.


We found a new church in August that we've been attending, Grace Baptist, and we love how their focus in not on what the church needs financially, but when they do talk about money, it's about how we can help the missionaries or other organizations that need money.  Our family decided to help out Operation Christmas Child (I think that's what it's called), after we heard about what children on the other side of the world have to do without.  While I was able to buy my boys each a 24-box of Crayons for $.50, on the other side of the globe, children go without because crayons cost $5.00... and the average monthly income is $2.00.  Children in Africa need to follow a food truck once a week in order to get fed, and because they lack bowls or cups, they drop the hot oatmeal (or whatever they're served) out of their hands and onto the road...  And they end up eating it off the road.


So how can I ask for anything more than a coffee cup, when there are children living like this?

DAY 113, Post 1

When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends.  Well, let me revise that.  I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.

But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend.  And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so.  This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could...  Just because...

Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.

I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later...  Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park.  I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there.  The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers.  It was amazing!  Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play.  Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face!  Luckily he got the ball with his glove.  Unfortunately, he dropped it.  But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously!  And yesterday...

Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany.  Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months.  After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet.  The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time.  As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be.  :-)

Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!

DAY 99, Post 1

It's been another amazing week.  Yesterday was Mother's Day and I do not hesitate to say it was the BEST Mother's Day I have celebrated.  It was DH's weekend to have the boys (although I had them from 11am - 7pm yesterday) and...  I got to sleep in!  At about 10am I was woken up by Dave with kisses and an invitation to the kitchen for breakfast.  And what a breakfast it was!  He had made me a HUMONGOUS omelet with shrimp scampi, onions, salsa, mushrooms (?) and lots of other deliciousness and I got to enjoy Breakfast with the Beatles with him. 

After we picked up the boys we went to church, and then home where the boys were blown away to see that Dave's TV has made it's way to Troy...  And the Wii and old TV are now set up in Jacob's room.  Dave has been VERY helpful in implementing discipline in the house, and not in a harsh manner.  Actually, his method of discipline is all about earning respect and rights by giving respect and contributing to the house.  So, the although the Wii and TV are now in Jacob's room, the remotes for all of the above are in our show organizer in the front hallway, out of reach in the top row of shoe holders.  The boys are now aware that in order to play/watch ANYTHING, they must have done all their chores and have been respectful all day.  There are no second chances on being respectful.

Later yesterday afternoon the four of us went to Brukner Nature Center.  We walked the path(s) for a while, but because of all the rain, we suddenly found ourselves without a path and surrounded by mud and water.  While at first we tried to stay dry and clean, it didn't work for two long.  I will add pictures to this post later tonight.  We almost had a pet snake, however (and thankfully) the thing escaped from Dave's pocket somewhere along the walk.  I can't say I'm disappointed, although I know the boys were.

When we got home I attempted to wash/dry all of our sneakers however I managed to break the dryer in the process.  Dave's been working on fixing it today (the belt came off the drum) and I'll be helping finish it up when I get home tonight.  (I'm very excited, as I (1) LOVE doing this type of thing and (2) know it's not an activity Dave would normally let me help with...  Especially considering he did my nails last night, haha.)

Pictures and more will come tonight...

DAY 77, Post 2

I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.

I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.

This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.

Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...

"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.

"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?

"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."

The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

DAY 76, Post 2

Take me out to the ballgame! Or 30 of them?!

Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.

The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)

CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.

I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.

DAY 72, Post 2

I'm having difficulty today taking my mind off him. I'm sitting in my car at Thing 1's baseball practice and I'm... Concerned. I guess while I didn't expect a response from my last email, even a short and even rude one would have let me know he's alive. No, I can't say alive and well because under his circumstances, I wouldn't expect well. But because of his circumstances, that's why I would like even a one word response. Because I am a worrier. I am concerned. And I care too much.

The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.

DAY 63, Post 6

No, apparently I can't post enough today.  But at least I'm keeping myself occupied, right?

Tonight the boys and I made cookies.  Actually, the boys made them mostly on their own, with my supervision.  Thing 1 read the recipe with only minimal help from me (he even knew TSP meant teaspoon!) and each of the boys cracked their own egg.  I'm quite proud of the job they did!

DAY 51, Post 4

Yes, I am getting other stuff done this morning...  But while I am job searching, I am also cleaning out the DVR, watching old episodes of The Talk.  And once again the ladies are touching on topics that get to me.

Julie started the episode by talking about an article in the Huffington Post that discussed worrying.  Apparently 40% of people worry every day.  "Really?!?!"  I thought.  Only 40%?  I tried to find the article that they were talking about (not very hard though, I must admit) but I found this one instead.

Thing 2 asked me last night what grown-ups worry about, and I had to stop and think for a minute before I answered him.  I told him I worry that my boys are going to get sick (because Thing 1 was sick), and sometimes about money.  The boys don't really understand the money worry.  Thing 1 was excited when my checks came in the mail, because he thought I could just start writing checks to people.  I had to explain that there needs to be money in my account to cover the checks.  They also seem to think that when I need money I can just go to the ATM and use my debit card to get money out.  Oh, I wish it were that easy!

Then the ladies switched topics and started discussing love.  And Julie said something I had said to myself just months ago.  Actually, I had said it to myself the night I met CL-WoW...

"I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't make me happy."

Hmmm...

DAY 51, Post 2

One of the toughest parts of being a mom is being a nice, caring, giving mom.  And I don't mean the type of nice, caring, giving mom who buys special treats at the grocery store.  No.  I'm talking about the nice, caring giving mom who shares her bed with her sick child after he gets sick in his own bed.

And then he throws up in her bed.

And she sleeps on the living room floor...  again...

DAY 50, Post 2

Today I receive my first glimpse of what being a single mom with a sick child is like.  DH wouldn't help me, and replied to the last of my texts with a snippy response.  I didn't appreciate it.  So, I had to call off work.  Gulp.  I hate calling off work.  I've called off work enough already, and with April rent looming right around the corner, any missed day hurts.

Last night was a rough night of sleep.  I slept on the floor in the living room for a good bit so that I wouldn't disturb Thing 1 who was sleeping in my bed.  When I did go to my bed, I dreamt.  And once again he was in my dreams.  It's agonizing seeing him in my dreams.  And for some reason in my dream last night he brought 30 people with him and they wanted to play some game where we all crammed into a car.  Did you know you can get claustrophobic in a dream?  Well, you can!

The dream took place at a hotel where the elevators when up, down, forward, back, left and right.  And I was lost.  I feel lost anyways, and I guess it was reflected in my dream.  I couldn't find the path to where I wanted to go, and that's how I feel in my everyday life.  And it sucks.  I don't want to move on, per say, but I know that where I am right now is not working.

DAY 49, Post 2

What a beautiful first day of spring. Unfortunately Thing 1 is sick and is in my bed sleeping the afternoon away. Thing 2 and I, however, are outside, enjoying the fresh air with Julie's son (also 5 years old), Penny, and Penny's brother (who Julie adopted), Finn.

This is what elastic waisted pants were invented for... 

Despite Thing 1 being ill, we went to church this morning. Again, I left feeling like the sermon was directed at me. Today the preacher (don't know who he was today) was speaking about the company Jesus tended to keep. While he could have invited or been invited by any number of God following members of his society, he socialized a lot with people who needed God in their lives and were lacking his presence. He directed us not to cast such people out of our lives, but to help them find the way of God. Wow.

While there are people who have been in my life who need God, and there are still, I will admit that there a few in particular that I choose to never to have any type of social relationship with ever again. But for the rest, I will be more mindful not to cast them aside immediately, despite the path I am trying to follow for myself.

And for the one who has expressed how much Jesus is needed in their life, I hope you find him. I will help you in any way I can.

DAY 47, Post 2

It's been quite a day, and emotionally draining just about the whole way.

I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that.  Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.

But...  I went to the mall.  With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me.  I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40.  I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.

After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit.  I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow.  I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside.  And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.

Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment.  They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match.  I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits.  To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad.  That was sooo hard for me to hear.  He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him.  It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy."  I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys.  Do they make bad decisions sometimes?  Yes!  But don't we all?

DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances.  And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough.  It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.

DAY 45, Post 1

Song of the Day...

I remember watching this video when Thing 1 was a baby...

DAY 35, Post 3

When we lived in Mt. Vernon, NY in the early 2000's, I read a TON of books. The library was my source of exercise and solace, and I would push Thing 1 in his stroller two miles each way to get to the beautiful Bronxville library. We would make thre trip at least once a week.

One of the books I read was by Patricia Heaton (I think... I'm on my Blackberry and don't feel like looking it up), the female star of... The book was called Motherhood and Hollywood: How to Get a Job Like Mine and chronicled her career as an actress and mother.

She brought up, and I have to ask you moms out there, have you noticed that you give the perfect toast to your kids and keep the burnt toast to yourself? That's what I do!

Anyway, I find myself eating burnt toast tonight but in another sense... Last night there seemed to be urinary problems in my house. Thing 2 wet his bed, and Miki, the fat cat, decided to pee on Thing 1's bed. Laundry has taken farrrr too long today, and now I find myself in Thing 2's bed with an extra blanket while the boys enjoy my bed with all clean sheets and lots of pillows. Mmm, how I would love to be snuggled up with my body pillow right around now...

DAY 20, Post 4

Thing 2 and I tackled another item on Operation Mini-Goals tonight. He and I just played a game of War and now he and Thing 1 are playing against each other. I won't deny for a second that I beat him in a very fast game!

DAY 19, Post 3

Well, I've started Operation Mini-Goals pretty well! Last night (or this morning) I turned off the lights and went to bed. I curled up next to my body pillow and tried to visualize my future. The next thing I knew my alarm was going off and I had to wake up.
Then since I've woken up this morning I've already called my attorney's office regarding child support and I've called Job and Family Services regarding my assistance. No, I will not deny that for the time being I am receiving public assistance.
I've also cleaned up a bit around the apartment. Everytime I get up I clean up a couple more things and I've closed the kitchen cupboards. I'm not Greek, but according to Greek culture it's bad luck to leave your cupboard doors open.
Now its time to get Thing 1 to school and call to make the GAL payment. Have a great day!

DAY 11

Ha ha ha ha.  I can't think of any other emotion to describe how I feel about something I did last night...

I had a bad morning, but thanks to friends I was able to get back into better spirits and went to work feeling good.  I had to close last night (a highlight of my day, especially cleaning the drains in the men's and women's rooms) but was lucky enough to be able to hang out with a friend after getting home...

And this is what I did...

Did it give me the answers I was looking for?  No.  Did it give me the ability to move on entirely without thinking about him?  No.  But damn, it felt GOOD!  The sweater is still safe, and I'm thinking about finishing it, if even for myself and then it would be backless, but I'll just think of it as a "Snuggie" knitted sweater blanket.  Complete with sleeves and a hood.

I just got off work and home from a long shift today...  10am - 5pm.  Being in there at 10am is hard after leaving at 11:30 the night before.  I think I got two hours of sleep last night.  The boys are thankfully being great tonight, playing with Penny and on the Wii.  I think I'll relax for a little bit before figuring out what to do with the rest of my night.

DAY TEN, Post 2

Once again, my friends and family are amazing.  And I'm sorry I can't listen to everything you say.  But I hear what you're telling me, and I love that you are there to listen to me when I need to vent.

I found myself in bed at 11:30 this morning, trying to sleep so I could get over my depression.  It didn't work.  But a couple of great people felt the vibe and started texting me.  Now I'm up, tackling the mess of this apartment, and actually looking forward to going to work this evening.  I work straight through Sunday, but at least I'll have some money at the end of next week!

I won't deny...  I've been contemplating going into the local grocery stores and taking down the Valentine's Day displays with one of their motorized shopping carts.  "Oops!  I lost control!"  But I know that wouldn't look good in the eyes of the judge at the divorce or final custody hearings.  So...

Julie, my neighbor, had a wonderful idea.  I'm going to take Thing 1 and Thing 2 out on a date.  Or maybe we'll have a date in.  Order a pizza, get a new movie, play board games, and enjoy each other's company and nothing else for the whole night.  Suddenly that f-ing holiday (no pun intended) doesn't look so bad...

DAY SEVEN

I opened a bakery in my kitchen this morning, or so it seemed, and then managed to crank out six dozen plus cookies and a couple batches of the Aunt Flushy's pretzels. Why? The three of us were invited to a Super Bowl party (go Packers!) and we met a lot of very nice people.

My favorite cookies to make right now are Peanut Butter Blossoms.  Aunt Flushy's recipe is awesome, but I won't share it.  :-)

But now I'm pooped and already in bed...

DAY SIX

I'm so glad I decided to take the weekends off when I have the boys.  Today has been a lovely day, even though we've been at home, playing WoW or Smash Brothers on the Wii.  The apartment is clean, due to an impromptu cleaning session this evening, and Thing 1 even helped vacuum.

I've been working on my blanket and I'll be finishing the third block tonight.  But here are the first two...

So...  Three blocks down, only a hundred or so to go...