Do Your Laundry

As I climbed into bed last night I could help but to think about how simple things, like crawling into my own bed each night, can be taken for granted.  From there I began to think about the other earthly pleasures I take for granted, most of them on a daily basis.

Why did I have such thoughts?

Here's why...

Pretty much unrecognizable, that's a clothes dryer in the middle of the picture, next to the chair.  Or should I say a charred dryer next to a charred chair?

Upon arriving home from church yesterday, Dave, the boys and I were welcomed by firetrucks and a Red Cross van in our driveway.  Three apartments down, a young mother had put her daughters down for a nap, and walked out of their room into a cloud of black smoke coming out of the dryer.  She opened the door and flames burst out at her.  From there, the fire spread around the apartment, and between the flames and the smoke, the possessions they held dear were destroyed.

No clothes.

No furniture.

No toys.

No... Anything...

Dave and I pulled together a couple bags of clothes for her and her fiance and I was able to find a few baby blankets left over from my boys for her 5 month old.  And Thing 2 brought tears to her eyes when he presented her with a stuffed elephant for her 2 year old.  But I went to bed wanting to be able to do more.

As I lay down to sleep, however, it truly hit me how much they lost.  Everything must be re-acquired.  From a cup to drink out of to toothbrushes and towels.  Baby clothes and diapers, and a chair to sit on.  Wow.

I seem to be full of pleas for my readers (if I have any) lately, but here's a couple more...

1.  Check out dryer vents and lint traps regularly.  Your lint trap should be emptied before EVERY load.  A clogged vent can not only cause clothes to not by dried in one cycle, but can burn out your heating element, or worse, start a fire.  If you rent, ask your landlord to clean your vent at least once a year.

2.  Invest in renter's insurance.  If you own your home, your home owner's insurance would cover a disaster such as this.  However if you rent, you need to cover yourself.  And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't cost that much.  Geico, for instance, charges approximately $40/month.  Does that sound like a lot?  Think about EVERYTHING you'd need to replace if your apartment burnt down.  Yea...

Day 310

I'm out of the office on lunch and it occurred to me that I haven't updated the blog lately.


My silence has been the result of extreme happiness and hard work. Dave, the boys and I are all happy and healthy, and we are gearing up for Christmas. I've been trying to impress upon the boys this Christmas season what the true meaning of the holiday is. It's not about what we get, but about what we have and why we have it.


But I won't deny that's difficult. With a six-year-old (and nine-year-old) in the house, visions of Santa with a bag of presents are very prominent.


We have made K-Love, a national Christian radio station, a fixture in our lives, and I heard on it yesterday that the average PERSON (not couple, family, etc.) spends $700/year on Christmas presents.  I let out an audible "phooooooo."  $700/year...  That's essentially rent for a month for us.  So here I am trying to figure out how to make Christmas great on maybe $300, and I hear that the average person spends $700.  So if you're reading this, I challenge you to remember what Christmas is really about, and try to focus on that instead.


Dave asked me over the weekend what I want for Christmas and my response (after telling him - him), was a new coffee cup.  Yes, that's all I want.  A new travel mug that doesn't leak when I try to take a sip out of it.  But I guess I never cease to surprise him.  I know he knows I'm not materialistic, but at the time of the year when most people send out mile long Christmas-lists with hundreds of dollars of ideas that they'll probably never use, I choose to be real.  And even when I stretch my brain, I can't think of anything else I want for Christmas.


We found a new church in August that we've been attending, Grace Baptist, and we love how their focus in not on what the church needs financially, but when they do talk about money, it's about how we can help the missionaries or other organizations that need money.  Our family decided to help out Operation Christmas Child (I think that's what it's called), after we heard about what children on the other side of the world have to do without.  While I was able to buy my boys each a 24-box of Crayons for $.50, on the other side of the globe, children go without because crayons cost $5.00... and the average monthly income is $2.00.  Children in Africa need to follow a food truck once a week in order to get fed, and because they lack bowls or cups, they drop the hot oatmeal (or whatever they're served) out of their hands and onto the road...  And they end up eating it off the road.


So how can I ask for anything more than a coffee cup, when there are children living like this?

Day 221, Post 1

Wow, I can hardly believe it's been well over a month since I posted last.  Yes, I'm alive and VERY well, as are the boys and Dave.  We've been through some changes, however they appear to all be for the better and for that I'm very grateful.

Dave started a new job at the end of August which he really seems to enjoy.  While it's not physically exhausting, it challenges him mentally and keeps him interested.  It's further than his previous (still my current) 1/4 mile commute, but the roads are good and they will be well plowed in the winter. 

Thing 2 started Kindergarten and Thing 1 Third Grade several weeks ago.  Both are enjoying school very much, and are keeping themselves out of trouble.  Better yet, both are making friends in our neighborhood and enjoying playing outside.  Numerous Nerf battles have taken place, and the boys come home caked in mud but they LOVE it.  And I love seeing them happy.

We've started attending a new church, after our old church became too focused on money for our preferences.  And we really like it.  On the first day we attended, the door attendant recognized we were new and introduced himself, and the family sitting in front of us turned around and introduced themselves.  And better yet, I know people who go there.  Dave doesn't know them really, but he will.  I feel like, and I believe Dave does as well, that we've finally found a home church.  And it's a wonderful feeling.

And a more wonderful feeling is just being happy.  EXTREMELY happy.  No matter what happens in my day, in our day, I know/we know we can handle it.  And that feeling alone is amazing.

Day 159, Post 1

Today's Song of the Day...  Thanks to a great choir at church, we've been introduced to this song by Chris Tomlin over the past few weeks.  I LOVE it!

DAY 99, Post 1

It's been another amazing week.  Yesterday was Mother's Day and I do not hesitate to say it was the BEST Mother's Day I have celebrated.  It was DH's weekend to have the boys (although I had them from 11am - 7pm yesterday) and...  I got to sleep in!  At about 10am I was woken up by Dave with kisses and an invitation to the kitchen for breakfast.  And what a breakfast it was!  He had made me a HUMONGOUS omelet with shrimp scampi, onions, salsa, mushrooms (?) and lots of other deliciousness and I got to enjoy Breakfast with the Beatles with him. 

After we picked up the boys we went to church, and then home where the boys were blown away to see that Dave's TV has made it's way to Troy...  And the Wii and old TV are now set up in Jacob's room.  Dave has been VERY helpful in implementing discipline in the house, and not in a harsh manner.  Actually, his method of discipline is all about earning respect and rights by giving respect and contributing to the house.  So, the although the Wii and TV are now in Jacob's room, the remotes for all of the above are in our show organizer in the front hallway, out of reach in the top row of shoe holders.  The boys are now aware that in order to play/watch ANYTHING, they must have done all their chores and have been respectful all day.  There are no second chances on being respectful.

Later yesterday afternoon the four of us went to Brukner Nature Center.  We walked the path(s) for a while, but because of all the rain, we suddenly found ourselves without a path and surrounded by mud and water.  While at first we tried to stay dry and clean, it didn't work for two long.  I will add pictures to this post later tonight.  We almost had a pet snake, however (and thankfully) the thing escaped from Dave's pocket somewhere along the walk.  I can't say I'm disappointed, although I know the boys were.

When we got home I attempted to wash/dry all of our sneakers however I managed to break the dryer in the process.  Dave's been working on fixing it today (the belt came off the drum) and I'll be helping finish it up when I get home tonight.  (I'm very excited, as I (1) LOVE doing this type of thing and (2) know it's not an activity Dave would normally let me help with...  Especially considering he did my nails last night, haha.)

Pictures and more will come tonight...

DAY 88, Post 1

Alrighty then! It's time I fill you in on all the greatness in my life in the last week!

I gave in. Last Tuesday I decided I just couldn't ignore my feelings. I had told myself, him (Dave aka CL-WoW) and others over and over that there was no way we met to just spend two months together... And I was right... And he knew it too...

I decided to make an Easter basket for him, putting egg related messages on 31 Cellas, his favorite candy treat, and putting them in plastic Easter eggs. I drove out there, drove by his house and his car wasn't there. So I drove to the mall. When I was pulling through the mall parking lot, I saw him pulling out of a restaurant across the street and head back to his house. I stopped my car, psyched myself back up and decided to go for it.

But it wasn't that easy. I sat outside his house in my car for a couple minutes and then did a "Beep Beep." But he didn't come out. So after a few more minutes and writing up a bunch more post-its, I walked to the door and knocked. And he answered. And he SMILED!

The post-it on my pointer finger said "Can I have two minutes?". And he said of course. The next finger said "I won't say anything unless it's ok with you.". He said "Of course its ok if you talk!" And talk we did. And have. And everything we've both felt has now been said... And will continue being said...

There's no shortage of smiles, laughter or "I love you's" in my life now.

To make this past week even better, I started my new job, and today actually quit the old one. My new job is amazing. Great people, great environment, and despite wanting to be home with Dave, the work day flies. And I love that. I love having a job I enjoy and am good at.

And as for Dave, he is looking to get a job here and has been a... Ray of sunshine in my life for the last week. It's been amazing to come home and see him here. The smiles, laughter, kisses, hugs and "I love yous" are everthing I could ask for, especially when they are coming from the man I want to spend forever with.

I was also blessed with a visit with my Mom and Aunt Flushy this past weekend. I now have real furniture in my apartment and was lucky enough to be accompanied by these two wonderful women and Dave when I was re-affirmed on this past (Easter)Sunday.

Oh... I am SOOO blessed!

DAY 77, Post 2

I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.

I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.

This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.

Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...

"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.

"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?

"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."

The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

DAY 70, Post 2

I only have a few minutes before I need to get ready for work.  Today I work 8-4.  I clearly upset my General Manager yesterday when he saw the note that I had updated my availability for work.  He came to ask me about not being able to work on Sundays, and I stated to him that the church has asked me to help out.  While I haven't written about it on here before, the church has contacted me to assist in the Children's Ministry, particularly in the childcare rooms during services.  I would be honored.  But I can't (personally)commit unless I know that I will not have to work on Sundays.  It would be unfair for them to count on me unless I can commit to not working on Sundays.  And seeing as I had been thinking about it for some time anyway, I think it's the right thing to do.  As Christians we aren't supposed to work on Sundays anyway, so what better way to "work" then to help out at my church?

I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for.  While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me.  And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon.  I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though.  Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.

While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college.  I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall.  Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling.  The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce.  And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys.  NO way.

DAY 69, Post 2

Tonight I went to the recovery service at Ginghamsburg Church, and unlike my last experience there, tonight was VERY powerful.  And I walked out feeling uplifted and with a new purpose.

Tonight, I take my step back.  No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW...  For at least a month or two.  Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness.  And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself.  And I can do this no longer.  And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself.  And I can't do this any longer either.

But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness.  Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible.  Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.

So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts.  I will pray that he and his situation improve.  I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him.  And I know I will dream of him.  And I will continue to love him.  And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.

BUT...  I will be more adament in focusing on my faith.  Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night.  Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness.  And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on.  I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer...  repeatedly.  And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly.  And tonight at service we said it again.  And oh, what a blessing that was.

As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed.  I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ.  They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ.  And that is what I need to do as well.  So, thank you to my fellow service attendees.  You are an inspiration to me.  May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.

DAY 68, Post 2

I feel numb.  This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing.  I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there.  I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month.  And even then I didn't really eat it.  I miss bacon and egg sandwiches...  Or bacon and french toast.  I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.

I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream.  I was able to put my arms around him and hug him.  In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was.  In my dream he even had the scars of his accident.  But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life.  I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him.  Just like I do now.

In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him.  But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run.  I was able to find him without any struggle.  And I wish I knew what this meant.  I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow.  That I would be able to find him without a struggle. 

I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him.  To let him know I'm here for him.  And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me.  And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support.  I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week.  But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him.  And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself.  It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.

This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work.  And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend.  It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night.  And not to be...  I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for...  But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service.  But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated.  And I NEED to go to church.  If they had service every day I would go every day.

DAY 63, Post 3

Church was amazing this morning.  Pastor Mike spoke a lot about forgiveness and said a few things that really spoke to me.

"Mercy is grace for the undeserved."

"Forgiveness isn't just for the offender but also for the one who was offended."

"The wise forgive but don't forget."

"Don't be a grace abuser."

"Divorce is sometimes the lesser of two mistakes."

No, I don't remember all of these things by myself when I leave church, but I take notes in the back of my Bible during the service.  And I'm so glad I do.  At first I worried that writing and highlighting in my Bible was sacreligious, but I've realized that how else am I going to remember the lessons and thoughts that really touched me?

A specific Bible verse also touched me...

"Let any one of you who is without a sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

John 8:7

Like my scoffer last night, how often are we ready to cast judgement on someone else, when we ourselves have committed wrongs in our own lives?  And how fair is that?

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself..."

Romans 2:1

I left church feeling total forgiveness for all wrongs committed against me.  And I mean ALL wrongs.  And I can't tell you how much more uplifted I feel.  To not feel anger or hatred is a marvelous thing.  I hope that someday all the offenders, and anyone else as well, will be able to feel such forgiveness towards me.



For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15

DAY 63, Post 2

The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.

So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.

This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.

Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.

Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.

DAY 49, Post 2

What a beautiful first day of spring. Unfortunately Thing 1 is sick and is in my bed sleeping the afternoon away. Thing 2 and I, however, are outside, enjoying the fresh air with Julie's son (also 5 years old), Penny, and Penny's brother (who Julie adopted), Finn.

This is what elastic waisted pants were invented for... 

Despite Thing 1 being ill, we went to church this morning. Again, I left feeling like the sermon was directed at me. Today the preacher (don't know who he was today) was speaking about the company Jesus tended to keep. While he could have invited or been invited by any number of God following members of his society, he socialized a lot with people who needed God in their lives and were lacking his presence. He directed us not to cast such people out of our lives, but to help them find the way of God. Wow.

While there are people who have been in my life who need God, and there are still, I will admit that there a few in particular that I choose to never to have any type of social relationship with ever again. But for the rest, I will be more mindful not to cast them aside immediately, despite the path I am trying to follow for myself.

And for the one who has expressed how much Jesus is needed in their life, I hope you find him. I will help you in any way I can.

DAY 42, Post 2

I'm feeling a little bit like a Mercy Me song I've been listening to...

"I'm finding myself
At a loss for words
And the funny thing is
It's ok."
~Word of God Speak

This past week was interesting...  Good, bad, easy, difficult, funny, sad, etc.  I really don't know what, if anything, I could say about it.

Entertaining enough, however, was work yesterday.  The hot water heater broke, again, so the restaurant had to shut down for a bit at 3:30ish.  I was off at 4, however, so it didn't impact me.  I hadn't gotten a break, so I helped reduce some of the inventory before they had to throw it out by eating before leaving.  While I was eating, the evening shift crew started cleaning, preparing for a solid close.  One of the workers was cleaning the fryer (I think) and the next thing I knew, I heard yelling and saw flames, small flames, coming from the fryer.  It's funny how some people, including myself, don't know how to put out a grease fire.  Luckily someone knew and threw salt on the flames.

Tonight I tried out the Singles Group at Ginghamsburg.  I was younger than everyone else by about 15 years and for me that was sort of difficult.  I can't explain it, but to say I was looking for people closer to my age who would know what I'm going through.  While some of them knew and understood, I just felt...  Awkward.  I decided to leave at "Intermission" and come home.

CT and I hung out for the past two nights, and Julie helped me organize my inventory on Friday night.  Thank you, Julie!  I made pasta on Friday night for CT and I, and I have to say that a highlight of the evening was the pasta readiness test...  After we had already eaten.  There is a secret to throwing pasta, and sometimes it sticks better than others.

Right now I'm watching the portion of Star Trek (the movie) that I slept through last night.  We started off the night with Jackass 3 and pizza from Cassanos (thank you, Bronco!!), but I just couldn't last through a second movie.  I don't think I've ever been able to last through two movies.  Jackass 3, by the way, is hilarious, but also gag-inducing.  I'm just glad the boys didn't see it.  I don't even want to think about the crazy ideas they would get watching it.

Now, I think it's laundry time for me.  So much to fold, and I believe a clean apartment would make me feel better.  Unfortunately all the scrapbooking supplies I recovered are taking up a huge amount of space.

DAY 40, Post 2

What a difference a couple of days makes!

I'm up at 2am, and for once it's not because I woke up thinking about too much.  Actually, CT graced me with a phone call after work, and I have to say, I enjoy having friends who work 2nd shift.  Having someone to talk to in the dead of the night is REALLY great!

Anyway, he made me terribly hungry while making himself a breakfast burrito, and I made myself a ridiculous plate of Pizza Rolls.  Ridiculous meaning like thirty of them...  Drenched in Smoked Tobasco Sauce...  Mmmm...  It's WONDERFUL to be eating again!

CT's Breakfast Burrito (picture messaged to me...  to make me jealous, I think)

Here's what was left of my pizza rolls when I was full...

Did I mention that the hospital weighed me when I was in triage the other night?  148.1.  Yea.  Not good.  If I lose any more I want it to be because I'm exercising and doing activities that are good for me.  NOT due to stressing out and not eating.

I'm entering this weekend with plans already, and it feels great to know my weekend doesn't revolve around work.  Tomorrow night I'll be scrapbooking (in some way or another) with Julie, and then I'm making dinner for CT and I.  (Julie, if you read this - you and J are invited!)  Then...  I get to SLEEP IN on Saturday morning before having to work from 11-4.  I am happy to be able to go to church on Saturday after work...  Pending they let me out on time.  I guess I'll have to see.

DAY 39, Post 5

Let there be light!  CL-WoW took this light bulb out eight weeks ago, and for some reason it took me just as long to get the replacement light bulb. 

But enough procrastination already!  I don't know if I was hoping he would be back to fix it, but I finally did what I needed to tonight.  I stood on the stool and changed the light bulb myself.  And it was extremely satisfying.

Equally as satisfying was squishing an emotional flea out of my life today.  Turns out this new connection was full of lies and deceitfulness, and that's something I didn't/don't need in my life.

Side note - how can such a small dog be full of such potent farts?  Seriously, the dog walks right up behind me and lets it go.  Gag.

Tonight the boys and I went down to Ginghamsburg, despite the snow, and I attended the first session of their "Momentum for Life" series.  To my surprise, one of my neighbors was there.  The session gave me a LOT to think about!

To close out tonight, I have to share this quote, which I just borrowed from a Facebook friend's status...

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

I wish I had read this weeks ago.

DAY 39, Post 2

I had a dream about fleas last night. They were on Penny, but still...  It got me thinking this morning.

I need to find a way to get rid of the fleas in my life for good.  Because they're getting under my skin, and today I'm just angry at them. 

I find it AMAZING, and not in a good way, how people in my life could or do act the way they do.  It literally makes me sick.  And I can't have that anymore.  Dishonesty (to themselves and others), hatred, cruelty, etc.  And no, I'm not just talking about one person.  I just want to pick those fleas off my skin and crush them between my fingers.  But I can't.  I need to find a way to forgive them, and continue on in my life without them, or with minimal contact.

I went to Ginghamsburg last night for their Ash Wednesday service and found it incredible.  They played a video at the beginning and I wish I could find a link to see it again.  I don't know if the older attendees appreciated it as much as I did.  I hope they did.

DAY 38, Post 2

So, for the time being, my blog is private.  A LOT has happened in the past week, and after a stint in the hospital yesterday I realized with no uncertainty that I have NOT been focused on what I needed to be focused on, especially my health.

I'm down to 148 pounds now, not a place I should have gotten to the way I did.  Lack of eating and way too much worrying about things and people I couldn't help.  After throwing up, starting to shake and nearly passing out at work, I went to the hospital where the doctor told me there is a bad virus going through town.  But come on.  I know more than she does.  I NEED to be taking care of me.  Now's the time (not that it wasn't three months or 32 years ago) to be honest with myself...  And others...

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not going to hurt people with my honesty.  But I have to enter this next part of my life doing what I know to be the right thing to do.  Right morally, right ethically, and right personally for me and my boys.

Tonight I am having dinner with JTS, my neighbor (will you give me permission to use your first name?  Haha), and then I hope to go to Ash Wednesday service at Ginghamsburg.  I've spent a lot of time in the last two days praying.  Praying for God to give me strength and guide me into a better tomorrow.  I know there's something better in store for me, but I wish I knew what it was and what all I'm doing now is preparing me for.  Patience is a virtue though, and I suppose I need to hold my horses.

I need to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped me for the past two days, both emotionally and physically.  YOU are my rock.

DAY 36, Post 1

I LOVED this song when I heard the band at Ginghamsburg sing it... Today's Song of the Day - Matt Redman - You Never Let Go

DAY 35, Post 2

I was raised Catholic. I remember dressing nicer for Mass and sitting through long homilies after which I remembered nothing. I think that's what happens when you've been forced into a religious institution as a child with so say in the matter.

As a young adult I turned... Agnostic... I was spiritual, no doubt, however I doubted the existance of God with everything I had. I believed my Grandpa B. was out there watching over me, and I would pray to him when I needed something.

Later I turned to the Law of Attraction and Abraham Hicks. I still believe this philosophy holds some merit. Think positively and good things will come to you. Have you ever noticed that if your day starts off bad and you dwell on it that your day only gets worse? I believe you need to focus on the positive, as hard as that may be.

This weekend, however, I took a major emotional/religious step. Last week I decided that I will be re-baptized after my divorce is final, and I even called the Church to find out information. Last night we went to church (unfortunately we were late as I thought the service started at 5:30 instead of 5:00), and Pastor Mike mentioned that on Easter there will be a mass Baptism. I tried to approach him, however I was ushered away by someone I think was security.

This morning I decided to go to service again, this time being on time. AMAZING. I get so much more out of the service being there from the very beginning. And even though he didn't mention the Baptism today, I approached Pastor Mike and got to speak with him briefly. I WILL be re-baptized on Easter Sunday and I am elated.

The focus of this weekend's services was the book of Matthew. And the verses which struck me the most were...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:33-34

I also found Matthew 6:1 to be deeply touching, although it wasn't discussed in service...

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' in front of others, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."

I often had issues with people in my past with people who would do good deeds for others and then talk their mouths off about the deeds. It made me feel like they were doing it to be rewarded themselves, rather than for the "right" reasons.

I encourage all of you (and I'll do it myself) to do something good for someone else without sharing what you've done with anyone. Feel good about what you've done because you did it, not because you were praised for it by others.