Day 148, Post 1

I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.

Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.

The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.

DAY 113, Post 1

When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends.  Well, let me revise that.  I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.

But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend.  And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so.  This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could...  Just because...

Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.

I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later...  Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park.  I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there.  The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers.  It was amazing!  Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play.  Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face!  Luckily he got the ball with his glove.  Unfortunately, he dropped it.  But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously!  And yesterday...

Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany.  Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months.  After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet.  The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time.  As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be.  :-)

Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!

DAY 109, Post 1

Last night Dave and I didn't have the boys so we took the opportunity, as horrible and selfish as it may sound, to eat out.  No, I will not deny that we don't eat out with them because of the extra cost associated with feeding two more mouths.  And...  It's just so much more enjoyable eating out when it's only the two of us.

Anyway...  When we arrived back home, DH was in the parking lot, kids in the car with him, and being a giant a**.  I won't disclose the details of his attitude, however neither Dave nor I appreciated the way that he spoke to me.  And Dave let him know it.  And DH's response?  Something along the lines of "Get out of my way you stupid jerk!"

Everyday I think more and more about getting a restraining order against him.  However I fear the consequences of performing such actions.  What would he/could he do to retaliate against me?  And the only reason I would get the order is because I am more than tired of him verbally accosting me, whereever and whenever he wants.  And his choice location lately seems to be at the boys' baseball games.  And that's bullshit.

DAY 107, Post 2

I'm beginning to think that my new job is God's way of telling me that I should have followed in my parents' footsteps and gone to school for accounting.  Somehow the Administrative Assistant position here includes the special added responsibility of scouring through dozens of tabs on Excel spreadsheets to find where miniscule cost savings figures have come from.  And while I normally enjoy detail orientated tasks, the one I've been working on for the past two days is making my eyes cross and blood boil.  I'm just glad I didn't listen to my first instinct last night and take my work home with me, as I probably would have smashed the laptop before the night was over.

Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out.  And it's raining...  Again.  And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved.  DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch.  But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there.  Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.

I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read.  The end reads,

"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."

Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.

DAY 76, Post 2

Take me out to the ballgame! Or 30 of them?!

Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.

The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)

CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.

I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.

DAY 72, Post 2

I'm having difficulty today taking my mind off him. I'm sitting in my car at Thing 1's baseball practice and I'm... Concerned. I guess while I didn't expect a response from my last email, even a short and even rude one would have let me know he's alive. No, I can't say alive and well because under his circumstances, I wouldn't expect well. But because of his circumstances, that's why I would like even a one word response. Because I am a worrier. I am concerned. And I care too much.

The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.

DAY 61, Post 2

I can't really express how I've felt today.  My emotions, feelings, etc. run all over the gamut.  Tired, motivated, proud, spiritual...  Those are just a few...

I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week.  As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go.  And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit.  Because there certainly are.  But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up.  Will I be exhausted from working so much?  Hell, yea!  But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again.  So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.

While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December.  And writing that rent check was...  Exhilirating.  After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well.  Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments!  While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks.  And I don't like having that little in my account.  I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have...  More...  I handled it like shit.  I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December.  Woo hoo for me! 

After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry.  I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed.  Yuck, I know.  But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room. 

And Penny...  Damn her sometimes...  This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night.  Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny!  Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago.  Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each.  So...  I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold.  The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear.  Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.

The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid.  Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now.  Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well.  The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat.  And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so...  Yea...

Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful.  While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend.  I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season.  I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games.  I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves.  Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.

This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences.  Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit.  And I appreciate the lessons each have provided.  It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way.  With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do.  But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers.  Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them.  So thank you, ladies!  Patience truly is a virtue!

So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience.  And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks.  I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial.  Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day.  I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it.  And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well.  No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later.  If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to.  But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.

DAY FOUR - Part 1

I know I'll be writing more today, but I had to sign in and say that today is starting better than last night ended.  After posting my DAY THREE entry, I decided I needed to get my attitude turned around and start thinking positively again.  I know something and somebody good WILL come my way.  And I know I just need to visualize it to manifest it.

The snow/ice messed up a date I had planned for last night, but aside from that I didn't even talk to him yesterday.  A single dad with custody of his children, I know and appreciate the amount of stuff he has to do on yet another unplanned snow day.  However, (hint hint), a little bit of contact goes a LOOOONG way with me.

Aunt Flushy was going to meet me in Cleveland Sunday night with a lot of G-ma's furniture (including a couch, dressers, and a REAL Queen sized bed, although my air mattress doesn't bother me), however with this weather those plans have been pushed back.  I don't know if I was looking more forward to the furniture or seeing family.  Honestly, I think it was the latter.  Hugs from family members mean so much, however I miss hugs that last for hours and feel like dancing even though we're standing still.

I've decided to focus on summer.  Forget this crappy winter.  Well, not all crappy, just the weather and breaking-up part.  I'm going to focus on the boys' Junior Baseball starting in April, and a pool membership in June.  I'm going to soak up some sun and smile.  Maybe that's what I need to visualize when I go to bed every night...  The upcoming sunshine and warm weather...