The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I started this post yesterday...

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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.

The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests.  While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise.  My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of.  Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them.  The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.

While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous.  In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."

What's next? 

That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...

What's going to burden my life next?  What's going to make my life better next?  How do I take care of this medical issue?  In general...  What's next?

I can only answer the 3rd of these questions.  On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix.  In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives.  1.  These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous.  2.  This will not affect my ability to have children.  3.  Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.

Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry.  Scared that this won't be the end of it.  Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous.  Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened.  Scared that I won't see my boys grow up.  Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave.  Scared in general...

But I have to interupt those thoughts.  Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns.  So I turn to God.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
   they walk and don't lag behind.

Take a Bite Out of Life!

I've decided that the cereal "Life" is very much like life itself.  If you let it sit there too long without tasting it, it will get soggy and stale.  So what are you waiting for?  Take a bite!

Last night I decided it was time to get back to knitting my dress.  I think I may have completed four rows (each row takes about 20 minutes to knit, uninterupted), which I feel good about.  I have no doubt that I'll have the dress finished in time, however I am concerned that it won't fit.  Is it a concern with cause?  No.  I have absolutely no reason to think it won't fit.  But if it doesn't, I would, crazily enough, like to knit it again so it does.  And in case you're wondering, either way I'll be selling the dress (custom-made for other people, not MY dress) on Etsy.

Tonight I would like to work on our invites for the small wedding.  We found a style we like on the internet, however the company wants $4+/card for what is essentially a 4x6 picture and envelope.  Using Photoshop I am planning on tweaking the design, making it our own and getting them printed at Walmart or Meijer.  Then we'll mount the pictures on good, Bazzill cardstock and send them out!  What this other company wanted $4.39/each for, we'll be able to make for under $1!  I'll post pictures of it when I'm finished.

I hate to close up a post this way, but I am going to ask for your prayers.  I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and have to wait up to two weeks for biopsy results to know what is going on.  The hardest part(s) for me are 1) I feel fine.  A routine yearly test came back with abnormal results and they send me into a frenzy.  2) While I try to be an optimist, the worst case scenario scares the shit out of me...  And pisses me off.  I know I have to keep my Faith, and keep a positive mind, however I'm not ready to give up what I have.  And I'm not ready to give up on what I want in the future. 

I'm not going to give up!

DAY 163, Post 1

It never ceases to amaze me how completely miserable some people are willing to be 24/7.  Whether they be friends, family, exes or co-workers, I just want to smack them into a state of contented bliss.  Even during my lowest times, I did not allow myself to walk around in a state where I allowed myself to be a bitch to everyone around me.

The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him.  I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it.  DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house.  To me, this is not acceptable.  When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand.  They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle.  We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys.  But for him, that is not possible.

Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails.  To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago.  My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate. 

Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman.  The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her.  And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life.  Well, except with DH.  Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.

Day 135, Post 1

Dave so greatly reminded me today that sometimes things get worse before they get better. And I needed that reminded, especially when financially things got worse today on the brink of getting better.

Ill admit, I've been playing roulette for the past couple of months in regards to what bill(s) had to be paid and which could wait. And today the gas company caught up to me. But as pissed as I am (at myself and my lack of funds), I have to remind myself of all the positives. 1) its not winter and we don't need heat 2) Dave and I both now have GOOD jobs and this is the last month of this poorness 3) the electricity is still on 4) the rent is paid.

So, now comes the struggle of figuring out how and when to get the gas turned back on. I HATE asking for help. And while you may wonder why Dave isn't paying it, ill tell you he would x's 5 if he could. But his job just started last week, and after 2 months of being unemployed, you can imagine what his bank account looks like. Sadly, mine isn't any better.

But as Monty Python sang...

Always look on the bright side of life!

I'll suck it up and ask for help one last time, knowing that next month we'll be on the up and up... Or at least our bank accounts will be. Dave, the boys and I are already well on the up and up. And it just hit me that despite the financial stresses, I really couldn't be happier. And that feels better than words can express.

DAY 109, Post 1

Last night Dave and I didn't have the boys so we took the opportunity, as horrible and selfish as it may sound, to eat out.  No, I will not deny that we don't eat out with them because of the extra cost associated with feeding two more mouths.  And...  It's just so much more enjoyable eating out when it's only the two of us.

Anyway...  When we arrived back home, DH was in the parking lot, kids in the car with him, and being a giant a**.  I won't disclose the details of his attitude, however neither Dave nor I appreciated the way that he spoke to me.  And Dave let him know it.  And DH's response?  Something along the lines of "Get out of my way you stupid jerk!"

Everyday I think more and more about getting a restraining order against him.  However I fear the consequences of performing such actions.  What would he/could he do to retaliate against me?  And the only reason I would get the order is because I am more than tired of him verbally accosting me, whereever and whenever he wants.  And his choice location lately seems to be at the boys' baseball games.  And that's bullshit.

DAY 78, Post 2

WoW...  Today marks three months since THAT day...  I never knew that would be the last kiss.  I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be...  It.  I was just SO hurt and SO angry.  I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested.  I still don't I suppose.  I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.

Because honestly...  I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last.  I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car.  I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him.  And I don't want that day to have been...  It...  It was too good before then to just end like that.

It's 2am and I'm awake.  And I don't want to be.  I want to be asleep.  But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts. 

I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me.  He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him.  Penny's also curled up next to him.  It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.

DAY 64, Post 2

I tend to clean the most when I'm upset about something.  But I'm not upset today.  (Yay!)  So, I'm having to play games with myself to clean the disorganization that seems to reign in this house.  What am I doing?

Cleaning out my DVR and my apartment!

Right now I'm working through two weeks of episodes of The Office (syndicated and new).  Every other episode I clean.  During the alternate episodes, I clean during the commercials.  So far it's working!  A big pile of papers I had next to my desk has now been filed, and there is a load of laundry in the washing machine. 

I wish I was a naturally organized person, but I'm not.  So in the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on, playing games to keep the apartment clean.

DAY 63, Post 3

Church was amazing this morning.  Pastor Mike spoke a lot about forgiveness and said a few things that really spoke to me.

"Mercy is grace for the undeserved."

"Forgiveness isn't just for the offender but also for the one who was offended."

"The wise forgive but don't forget."

"Don't be a grace abuser."

"Divorce is sometimes the lesser of two mistakes."

No, I don't remember all of these things by myself when I leave church, but I take notes in the back of my Bible during the service.  And I'm so glad I do.  At first I worried that writing and highlighting in my Bible was sacreligious, but I've realized that how else am I going to remember the lessons and thoughts that really touched me?

A specific Bible verse also touched me...

"Let any one of you who is without a sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

John 8:7

Like my scoffer last night, how often are we ready to cast judgement on someone else, when we ourselves have committed wrongs in our own lives?  And how fair is that?

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself..."

Romans 2:1

I left church feeling total forgiveness for all wrongs committed against me.  And I mean ALL wrongs.  And I can't tell you how much more uplifted I feel.  To not feel anger or hatred is a marvelous thing.  I hope that someday all the offenders, and anyone else as well, will be able to feel such forgiveness towards me.



For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15

DAY 57, Post 5

Now I'm 95% sure about what I saw earlier.  And instead of being angry, I'm just sad.

Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this?  I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before?  I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.

I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish.  An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result.  While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is.  And it sucks.  Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.

While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful.  And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others.  And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit...  Be honest already!  What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be?  Only more hurt for you AND other people!

DAY 57, Post 4

I wish I had one of the bags of sour cream from work at home with me tonight so that I could beat the crap out of it.  Seriously, pound all the thickness out of it, four times as much as I need to at work.  THAT'S how freaking irritated I am right now.

Why?  For no concrete reason, but for a reason I'm 75% sure about.  I'm not going to say too much more, but if a whole bunch of little clues add up to what I think it COULD be, then there's a BIG lie at the other end.  And I HATE lies.

No joke, if I had a punching bag in my bedroom right now, Julie would be calling the cops, thinking someone was having the shit beat out of them.  But now, it would just be me, probably beating the shit out of my hands.

Please, God, let me be 75% wrong, and let the right path be being taken.  I don't want to believe that what I saw could be the truth.

DAY 53, Post 2

I had a shitty day at work.  Yes, I'm grateful to have a job, but today was a reminder that I'm not doing what I need to be doing...  For me...  I mean, for now I'm doing what I need to do so I can do what I want to do (pay bills), but... 

The kicker was that one of the managers, who likes me, told me that in a manager meeting it came up that at least one of them doesn't think I focus on my job and that I am more concerned about when I'm getting my break.  That's TOTAL bullshit.  I do my job, plus some, on a consistent, everyday basis.  No, if I've been working 7 hours and still haven't gotten a break, my concentration may not be 100%.  And yes, that has happened...  on numerous occasions.

But today, I worked 10:30-6, and at 4pm hadn't had a break.  I hadn't asked about it all day, but at 2:30 the general manager told ME that one of the other managers would be in at 3pm and he would put her on the manager drawer so I could get my break shortly after 3.  I was thinking, "Great!  He remembered!"  Well, at 4pm he was looking at me with a goofy face and I had just finished making three hotel pans of chips, so I asked, "Oh?!  Is it break time?!"  He told the other manager to get on the drawer, and she made a snippy comment about how "Next time you should say something before 3pm."

What?!?!  Why would I say anything now when obviously they think I'm more concerned about my breaks?

Just to make it clear, I'm primarily a cashier.  But being the cashier also involves keeping the line clean, keeping the dining room and bathrooms clean, restocking the line, making salsas and chips as necessary, doing table touches (asking customers how their food is), and a whole lot of restocking.  AND, when I'm not busy doing any of those things, I usually head to the back to do dishes to help everyone else out.  So, REALLY?!?

DAY 39, Post 2

I had a dream about fleas last night. They were on Penny, but still...  It got me thinking this morning.

I need to find a way to get rid of the fleas in my life for good.  Because they're getting under my skin, and today I'm just angry at them. 

I find it AMAZING, and not in a good way, how people in my life could or do act the way they do.  It literally makes me sick.  And I can't have that anymore.  Dishonesty (to themselves and others), hatred, cruelty, etc.  And no, I'm not just talking about one person.  I just want to pick those fleas off my skin and crush them between my fingers.  But I can't.  I need to find a way to forgive them, and continue on in my life without them, or with minimal contact.

I went to Ginghamsburg last night for their Ash Wednesday service and found it incredible.  They played a video at the beginning and I wish I could find a link to see it again.  I don't know if the older attendees appreciated it as much as I did.  I hope they did.

DAY 17, Part 3

Brilliant me.  I showed up to work two hours early.  So now I'm home looking up the seven stages of grief...

According to Recover From Grief.com, they are...

1. Shock and Denial - Yup, I've been there.
2. Pain and Guilt - Yup, been there too.
3. Anger and Bargaining - That's me!
4. "Depression", Reflection, Lonliness - Been there...
5. The upward turn - Not there yet...
6. Reconstruction and working through - Will come in time...
7. Acceptance and hope - Working on that...

The seven stages don't necessarily go in order, but I'm looking forward to being on #8, haha.  Moving on!

DAY 17, Part 2

I can't deny, I'm in a pissy mood this morning. I think ill have to look up the different stages of grief when I get home this afternoon because I'm obviously now in the anger stage. I'm in no mood to go into work and make salsas and smile, and that sucks. I'm just pissed off.

Yesterday before my posts I resent a text asking if he would have coffee with me this evening. We had exchanged short texts on Monday and yes, I am still looking for that final, in-person conversation. Why is that so hard to get? Does he have feelings for me that he's afraid will show if he sees me?

Ahhh! REALLY not in the mood to work. Its just good that I deleted his number and all texts from my phone last night, because I've got words.