DAY 66, Post 3

I'm taking steps in the moving-forward direction this morning.  Whether they be the right steps or not, I guess only time will tell.

I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy.  I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider.  If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life.  And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die.  So...  I need to consider bankruptcy.  I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.

Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency.  They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about.  Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week.  So...  Yay!  I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.

Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car.  The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures.  Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.

Oh!  I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget!  It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month.  The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job.  I have so much to be grateful for though.  One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children.  I can't imagine being under that type of stress.  Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc.  It's hard enough with just my two boys!  She is married though, but still...  If he's making the same as us...  It's got to be REALLY hard!

DAY 65, Post 2

Well, today could be the day!  And although I'm overwhelmingly excited about that possibility, I'm starting to feel very nervous.  Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.

I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there.  And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close.  The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore.  It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys.  I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me.  OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us.  And he watches my every move.

I started my own personal counseling this morning.  It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it.  So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists.  The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me.  I need to be pushed.  I need to be challenged.  And I hope to get this from her.

I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday.  It had me at 141 pounds.  Yikes.  Or Yay?  I don't really know what to think.  The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds.  I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college.  And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes.  My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore.  Who would've known that boobs would shrink?

DAY 32, Post 3

Today is going to be an interesting day...

This morning at 8am I was accompanied into DH's house by a sheriff to go through MY file cabinet.  Yes, MY file cabinet.  DH and his attorney would not allow me to take MY files, but instead I got to leave the files that I want with DH so that he can take them to his attorney to make copies...  for me...  Yea, nice.  It will probably cost me $3.00/copy which is f***ing ridiculous.

This afternoon at 1:30ish I have my first meeting with the GAL.  I'm finishing up my paperwork right now, but I must admit I'm freaking out.  I don't want to say anything wrong and risk losing custody to him.  I can't/don't want to go into details about why on here as I've heard I could be sued for slander, even if what I say is the truth.

On my way to the GAL meeting I am going to stop by a Christian bookstore.  For the longest time I was agnostic, however the weekend after I moved out I attended a service at Ginghamsburg Church in Tipp City, OH.  It was amazing, and if I wan't crying, I was tearing up or getting goosebumps all the way through the service.  A couple of weeks later, Pastor Mike made a comment in his sermon (is that the right word) about how the trials we face now are just manure fertilizing a better future.  Having had the Slingshots of Shit discussion with CL-WoW already, this just struck me as awe-inspiring.  Anyway, I'm going to stop by the Christian bookstore to see if there is anything that will help me through this.

Then tonight, Ginghamsburg has a DivorceCare Ministry for adults as well as a separate one for children.  I've decided the three of us NEED to go.  I will not deny, I do NOT miss DH in the least.  But I do have those moments of panic where I wonder "How the HELL did I wind up HERE?!?"  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my apartment.  I LOVE my boys.  But this whole situation is still scary for me.

CT texted me yesterday wishing me a happy birthday, and then asked later in the day how my day was going and we had a short conversation.  I said my day was going better than it started and he asked if I had a new boyfriend.  Obviously, I don't.  However when I asked if he had picked up any new phone numbers, he insulted me GREATLY when he said, "No, I'm taking a break from you crazy f**kers."  All I can still think is, "Wow."  I can NOT handle that.  I will NOT deal with that.  I've just added another item to my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet."

DAY 30, Post 4

What a beautiful day! I'm taking a quick breather before I go get the boys. I think we'll have to go outside for a while when we get home. Penny will enjoy running around with them a bit.

I had my appointment with my attorney this afternoon after work and she left me with a lot of hope, including about next Monday's custody hearing. I feel REALLY good about that.

I didn't hear anything about the Cross County Care Package... Yet... The postman said it should be delivered today, and I really hope it was. I composed an email this morning concerning it, and sent it this afternoon, so that if there is backlash or negativity about it I can direct him to read the email. I can't imagine myself getting upset about receiving a care package though... From anyone... I guess only time will tell.

DAY 30, Post 3

Nearly 6am... I've spent the last three hours working on my responses to DH's first set of divorce interrogatories. I had already spent three plus hours working on these things, and I'm only on question 12 out of 22.

This afternoon I have an appointment with my attorney to discuss my goals and Thursday I have my initial appointment with the GAL. Oh, and the highlight of Thursday is meeting with DH and a sheriff to go through MY file cabinet to get information I need to finish these interrogatories. Joy joy. It will be the highlight of my day.

And then... Next Monday there is yet another custody hearing. Neither my attorney nor I can figure out why DH and his attorney requested another hearing on an arrangement they proposed and set forth into motion. Stupid stupid.

DAY 24, Post 3

Ahhhh...  The joy of sitting on my butt at home after a day at work.  Today's work included scrubbing the grout between the floor and cove base.  It's nice and white now but damn!  I could join the military with my floor scrubbing-with-a-brush skills!  Too bad I can't do a pull-up...  yet...

I have two...  Well...  Three pairs of jeans, two that I can wear to work.  One I already knew were too big and required a belt.  The second pair today proved that they are reaching that point as well.  I NEVER thought I would be down to this weight again.  I mean, I haven't been in the 150's since BEFORE I got pregnant with #1.  That was 9 years ago!  Woo hoo!  Now I'm just going to start doing crunches and home exercises so that I keep the weight off.  Anybody know of any good exercises to make legs look as good as the belly?

Tonight, and every Wednesday night, DH has the boys.  They all had a meeting this afternoon with the Guardian ad Lietum (spelling?), and I wish I had been a fly on the wall to see/hear how it went.  The GAL, for those of you who don't know, is an attorney appointed by the court to give his/her recommendation on who should get custody of the boys.  I didn't have the money to pay my half until I was paid last week, so my initial appointment isn't until next week.  DH's home visit with the boys and the GAL is next Wednesday night...  My birthday.  I can't say I'm necessarily disappointed about not having the boys on my birthday, but my birthday in general brings mixed feelings.  I hadn't seen my 32nd year starting this way.  But it's going to be a GREAT year.  I won't settle for anything else.

My co-workers at CMG joke about my "Black Book."  Being the outgoing person that I have become, there isn't a week that goes by that I don't get a phone number, business card or prayer from a customer.  Actually, that's how C.T. and I met, haha.  Last week I racked up all three, but the phone numbers weren't from people interested in dating me.  The first was from a single mom on Valentine's Day who joked about how she was going to take her food home with a bottle of wine and wallow in her singleness for the night.  I joked with her about how I wanted to go to the grocery and borrow their motorized cart.  The business cards were from a personal trainer (I have a free training session!) and a lawyer who randomly asked me if I, or anyone else in my life, needed a prayer.  I said yes, and mentioned myself and one other (for individual prayers), and he and his companion broke out in prayer in the middle of the dining room.  While I appreciated the gesture, I must admit it felt rather...  awkward.

To our customers who wear AXE cologne...  God, you smell GOOD!

On that note, I've decided to revise and share my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet" in one of my future posts.  Hope it's read and appreciated by someone worthy!

DAY 19, Post 3

Well, I've started Operation Mini-Goals pretty well! Last night (or this morning) I turned off the lights and went to bed. I curled up next to my body pillow and tried to visualize my future. The next thing I knew my alarm was going off and I had to wake up.
Then since I've woken up this morning I've already called my attorney's office regarding child support and I've called Job and Family Services regarding my assistance. No, I will not deny that for the time being I am receiving public assistance.
I've also cleaned up a bit around the apartment. Everytime I get up I clean up a couple more things and I've closed the kitchen cupboards. I'm not Greek, but according to Greek culture it's bad luck to leave your cupboard doors open.
Now its time to get Thing 1 to school and call to make the GAL payment. Have a great day!