WoW... Today marks three months since THAT day... I never knew that would be the last kiss. I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be... It. I was just SO hurt and SO angry. I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested. I still don't I suppose. I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.
Because honestly... I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last. I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car. I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him. And I don't want that day to have been... It... It was too good before then to just end like that.
It's 2am and I'm awake. And I don't want to be. I want to be asleep. But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts.
I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me. He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him. Penny's also curled up next to him. It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
DAY 68, Post 2
I feel numb. This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing. I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there. I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month. And even then I didn't really eat it. I miss bacon and egg sandwiches... Or bacon and french toast. I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
DAY 51, Post 3
An inspiring morning, to say the least...
I realized that over the last four months I have let my personal dreams slip. While I've spent lots of time worrying about people and things that couldn't be changed, I've forgotten about what I want to do. And it's time I refocus, or at least spend a good portion of that time on my dreams.
I've had the dream of starting my own scrapbooking supply business. I've always wanted to have my own brick-and-mortar store selling all the supplies I have (which, thanks to "friends" are less than they should have been), but I want to design and manufacture my own out-of-the-box supplies. And to do that, I need to design them.
Martha Stewart didn't start her first catering business until she was 39. I'm just barely 32. So, with 7 years left, I should be able to make some headway. But this time I'll do it right. Martha wrote in her book, The Martha Rules (see below) that she recommends only investing in your business with cash. That's how I messed up the last time. Credit, credit and more credit. I'll be paying off that debt until the end of time. But now's the time to make a change. Do something that I want to do and do it the right way.
And that day starts today.
I realized that over the last four months I have let my personal dreams slip. While I've spent lots of time worrying about people and things that couldn't be changed, I've forgotten about what I want to do. And it's time I refocus, or at least spend a good portion of that time on my dreams.
I've had the dream of starting my own scrapbooking supply business. I've always wanted to have my own brick-and-mortar store selling all the supplies I have (which, thanks to "friends" are less than they should have been), but I want to design and manufacture my own out-of-the-box supplies. And to do that, I need to design them.
Martha Stewart didn't start her first catering business until she was 39. I'm just barely 32. So, with 7 years left, I should be able to make some headway. But this time I'll do it right. Martha wrote in her book, The Martha Rules (see below) that she recommends only investing in your business with cash. That's how I messed up the last time. Credit, credit and more credit. I'll be paying off that debt until the end of time. But now's the time to make a change. Do something that I want to do and do it the right way.
And that day starts today.
Monday, March 21, 2011
DAY 50, Post 2
Today I receive my first glimpse of what being a single mom with a sick child is like. DH wouldn't help me, and replied to the last of my texts with a snippy response. I didn't appreciate it. So, I had to call off work. Gulp. I hate calling off work. I've called off work enough already, and with April rent looming right around the corner, any missed day hurts.
Last night was a rough night of sleep. I slept on the floor in the living room for a good bit so that I wouldn't disturb Thing 1 who was sleeping in my bed. When I did go to my bed, I dreamt. And once again he was in my dreams. It's agonizing seeing him in my dreams. And for some reason in my dream last night he brought 30 people with him and they wanted to play some game where we all crammed into a car. Did you know you can get claustrophobic in a dream? Well, you can!
The dream took place at a hotel where the elevators when up, down, forward, back, left and right. And I was lost. I feel lost anyways, and I guess it was reflected in my dream. I couldn't find the path to where I wanted to go, and that's how I feel in my everyday life. And it sucks. I don't want to move on, per say, but I know that where I am right now is not working.
Last night was a rough night of sleep. I slept on the floor in the living room for a good bit so that I wouldn't disturb Thing 1 who was sleeping in my bed. When I did go to my bed, I dreamt. And once again he was in my dreams. It's agonizing seeing him in my dreams. And for some reason in my dream last night he brought 30 people with him and they wanted to play some game where we all crammed into a car. Did you know you can get claustrophobic in a dream? Well, you can!
The dream took place at a hotel where the elevators when up, down, forward, back, left and right. And I was lost. I feel lost anyways, and I guess it was reflected in my dream. I couldn't find the path to where I wanted to go, and that's how I feel in my everyday life. And it sucks. I don't want to move on, per say, but I know that where I am right now is not working.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
DAY 45, Post 2
I'm caught in the loop of not giving up again... And not being able to let go... Persistance really does suck sometimes.
Mom asked me tonight why I can't let go, and I couldn't come up with an answer. Period. I just can't. Something is continuing to pull me in that direction, and while I try to distract myself, sometimes it just doesn't work.
I go to bed each night praying to God to show me the path I'm supposed to take, and each night I have dreams about him. I'm starting to resent sleep, because they show me false illusions... A non-reality that I would accept in a second if I could have it. But... I can't? (Question mark intentional)
Mom asked me tonight why I can't let go, and I couldn't come up with an answer. Period. I just can't. Something is continuing to pull me in that direction, and while I try to distract myself, sometimes it just doesn't work.
I go to bed each night praying to God to show me the path I'm supposed to take, and each night I have dreams about him. I'm starting to resent sleep, because they show me false illusions... A non-reality that I would accept in a second if I could have it. But... I can't? (Question mark intentional)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
DAY 39, Post 2
I had a dream about fleas last night. They were on Penny, but still... It got me thinking this morning.
I need to find a way to get rid of the fleas in my life for good. Because they're getting under my skin, and today I'm just angry at them.
I find it AMAZING, and not in a good way, how people in my life could or do act the way they do. It literally makes me sick. And I can't have that anymore. Dishonesty (to themselves and others), hatred, cruelty, etc. And no, I'm not just talking about one person. I just want to pick those fleas off my skin and crush them between my fingers. But I can't. I need to find a way to forgive them, and continue on in my life without them, or with minimal contact.
I went to Ginghamsburg last night for their Ash Wednesday service and found it incredible. They played a video at the beginning and I wish I could find a link to see it again. I don't know if the older attendees appreciated it as much as I did. I hope they did.
I need to find a way to get rid of the fleas in my life for good. Because they're getting under my skin, and today I'm just angry at them.
I find it AMAZING, and not in a good way, how people in my life could or do act the way they do. It literally makes me sick. And I can't have that anymore. Dishonesty (to themselves and others), hatred, cruelty, etc. And no, I'm not just talking about one person. I just want to pick those fleas off my skin and crush them between my fingers. But I can't. I need to find a way to forgive them, and continue on in my life without them, or with minimal contact.
I went to Ginghamsburg last night for their Ash Wednesday service and found it incredible. They played a video at the beginning and I wish I could find a link to see it again. I don't know if the older attendees appreciated it as much as I did. I hope they did.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
DAY 30, Post 6
The seven o'clock hour is for some reason always very hard for me. It seems to drag along, with Nick on the TV, boys arguing, me trying to figure out what to focus on, and every.second.ticking.by.slowly.
Tonight is no different.
I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone. Without kids. Without family. Alone. Joy.
I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill. Do I bake myself a cake? Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch? Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians? That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...
I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow. I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night. I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow. But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste. And I wish it wasn't. The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry. My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason. And it sucks. I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years.... With a shrimp ring and champagne. THAT was a GREAT night... And 2011 was to be great too...
Tonight is no different.
I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone. Without kids. Without family. Alone. Joy.
I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill. Do I bake myself a cake? Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch? Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians? That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...
I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow. I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night. I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow. But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste. And I wish it wasn't. The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry. My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason. And it sucks. I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years.... With a shrimp ring and champagne. THAT was a GREAT night... And 2011 was to be great too...
Sunday, February 27, 2011
DAY 28, Post 2
Hmmm... I didn't want to go to work today... AT ALL. I wanted to sleep in and get lost in my dreams. Honestly, I'm looking forward to going to bed early tonight and getting all cozy in my bed with my body pillow.
I've done a lot of thinking during the past couple of days. About letting go, and going separate ways. Honestly, if you really care about someone, in any way, I don't think going separate ways should ever be up for discussion. So this isn't working for me. But... I'm trying. And for me, it's trying really hard. I'm working on the sweater right now. The sweater was never meant to be mine. It's not mine. It's his. And I want to finish it, green sleeve and all.
I've done a lot of thinking during the past couple of days. About letting go, and going separate ways. Honestly, if you really care about someone, in any way, I don't think going separate ways should ever be up for discussion. So this isn't working for me. But... I'm trying. And for me, it's trying really hard. I'm working on the sweater right now. The sweater was never meant to be mine. It's not mine. It's his. And I want to finish it, green sleeve and all.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
DAY 27, Post 2
I woke up in a funk this morning. I was dreaming all night, and they were those dreams that you'd rather just continue living in than wake up and face whatever your real life has to offer... Like my job that I have to work ALL weekend or my messy apartment. No, Operation Mini-Goals hasn't been going so well in the cleaning department.
I've sat here for ten minutes trying to figure out what else to write and I just feel... lost. Besides taking care of my boys and getting my butt to work, the rest of what I do seems... Blurry. I long for clarity. Please, God. Give me clarity.
I've sat here for ten minutes trying to figure out what else to write and I just feel... lost. Besides taking care of my boys and getting my butt to work, the rest of what I do seems... Blurry. I long for clarity. Please, God. Give me clarity.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
DAY 25, Post 2
Last night I was feeling GREAT, and right now I'm feeling good, however somewhere in the middle I had a little lapse. Let's call it a "How the hell did I get here?!?" moment. I sat here in my empty apartment, looking around, wondering how I wound up... Here... I had a momentary lapse in thought, thinking, "Please, God. Take me back in time." Six weeks, six months, I wondered if I could wake up in a moment where I could do things differently. Yes, I even thought about my marriage.
But do I want my marriage again? No! Absolutely not!
And then sleep rescued me. A nice, rare, dreamless sleep.
I woke this morning to find my "Note From the Universe" waiting in my email in-box...
"Hey, Kimberly, don't you see? The "right" circumstances, people, and opportunities are just like "good" ideas - they come to you fastest, once you relax.
Zip, Zap, Zop,
The Universe"
And even though my eyes were open, I actually woke up. I relaxed enough on Tuesday to get a job interview for next week. (Yay for me!) So now I tell myself, "Come on, Kim! Relax! All those things you are waiting for will come to you! Just stop worrying, relax, and live in the moment!"
But do I want my marriage again? No! Absolutely not!
And then sleep rescued me. A nice, rare, dreamless sleep.
I woke this morning to find my "Note From the Universe" waiting in my email in-box...
"Hey, Kimberly, don't you see? The "right" circumstances, people, and opportunities are just like "good" ideas - they come to you fastest, once you relax.
Zip, Zap, Zop,
The Universe"
And even though my eyes were open, I actually woke up. I relaxed enough on Tuesday to get a job interview for next week. (Yay for me!) So now I tell myself, "Come on, Kim! Relax! All those things you are waiting for will come to you! Just stop worrying, relax, and live in the moment!"
Friday, February 18, 2011
DAY 19, Post 2
Wow, I feel like an idiot. A royal, world-class idiot. I should have just let it go a month ago and done what I said I was going to do... Concentrate on me and the boys. Because the horse was dead then, and I was the crazy bat who was too blind to see it.
So now, I move on... Those of you follow my blog are probably glad to hear it. But now what do I do with myself? I had tried moving on last week with the fire, haha, but I think I botched up that whole night and the week following pretty good. And I think I offended someone else in the process and I don't like that.
I'm not a person who likes to hurt or offend others. Perhaps I'm naive, but a person has to be REALLY mean for me to want to hurt or offend him/her. Honestly, I don't wish bad on anyone in my past, even DH and he did lots of mean, hurtful things to me. But he's my boys' dad and because of that I hope he finds some real happiness in his future.
It's 3:50 in the morning, and I'm awake... Again... It's been... A couple weeks since I woke up in the middle of the night. I think I went to bed too early last night because I've found sleep and my bed to be my escape. But sometimes I can't escape anything in sleep. I dream about things that matter to me, and wake up upset that life isn't how I want it to be. But how DO I want it to be? What DO I want?
Today I pay for the Guardian Ad Lietum (spelling?) for the boys. $350 for a court appointed attorney who will represent the boys' best interest in the custody hearing. DH has his first meeting with the GAL next week. I'm sour about that. He had money to pay for the GAL right away, so he'll be introduced to him first. The $350 will take nearly all of today's paycheck for me... and that stings...The child support order was issued a couple weeks ago but DH's employer won't take the money out for another month minimum, and they won't do it retroactively. So what do I do in the meantime? I can only work so many hours without getting worn out and beat down. I enjoy working with my co-workers, but can I say I love my job? Absolutely not! I NEVER saw myself working in fast food, especially with my education.
So where do I go from here? How do I fulfill my bucket list without going crazy from lonliness in the meantime? How do I enjoy and be happy every second with my boys when sometimes I just want to cry? I can't let them see that. It's not their responsibility to make Mommy happy. It's my responsibility to make myself happy. But what do I do to make myself happy without being self-destructive? Wow, that sounds bad. No, I don't want to drink or drug myself.
Wow... as I typed the last sentence, today's Note from the Universe came in...
"The trick with courage, Kimberly, is realizing that it isn't so much about overcoming fear, as it is about not settling for less. And then, it comes as effortlessly as a midsummer's night breeze.
Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh-a-a-a-a-a-a, who-o-o-osh -
The Universe"
So, I need courage. I need to know what I'm not settling for. So let me start setting some mini-goals... Some of these may seem small and trivial, but if I can look back in the next month and see that I've accomplished them, I'll feel a lot better.
Today I work at 11am. No, I'm not going to get there three hours early, haha. But I think I'm going to go concentrate on me for the time being. Either by way of sleep or by starting the next square for my blanket or by watching a show on TV. Honestly, sleep is the hardest followed by knitting, because I tend to think and dwell on my lonliness. I need to find something new to think about. About the positive heading my way. About how I see my life in the future, even if the future is today. Positive visualization. I'll make that...
12. Positive visualization.
So now, I move on... Those of you follow my blog are probably glad to hear it. But now what do I do with myself? I had tried moving on last week with the fire, haha, but I think I botched up that whole night and the week following pretty good. And I think I offended someone else in the process and I don't like that.
I'm not a person who likes to hurt or offend others. Perhaps I'm naive, but a person has to be REALLY mean for me to want to hurt or offend him/her. Honestly, I don't wish bad on anyone in my past, even DH and he did lots of mean, hurtful things to me. But he's my boys' dad and because of that I hope he finds some real happiness in his future.
It's 3:50 in the morning, and I'm awake... Again... It's been... A couple weeks since I woke up in the middle of the night. I think I went to bed too early last night because I've found sleep and my bed to be my escape. But sometimes I can't escape anything in sleep. I dream about things that matter to me, and wake up upset that life isn't how I want it to be. But how DO I want it to be? What DO I want?
Today I pay for the Guardian Ad Lietum (spelling?) for the boys. $350 for a court appointed attorney who will represent the boys' best interest in the custody hearing. DH has his first meeting with the GAL next week. I'm sour about that. He had money to pay for the GAL right away, so he'll be introduced to him first. The $350 will take nearly all of today's paycheck for me... and that stings...The child support order was issued a couple weeks ago but DH's employer won't take the money out for another month minimum, and they won't do it retroactively. So what do I do in the meantime? I can only work so many hours without getting worn out and beat down. I enjoy working with my co-workers, but can I say I love my job? Absolutely not! I NEVER saw myself working in fast food, especially with my education.
So where do I go from here? How do I fulfill my bucket list without going crazy from lonliness in the meantime? How do I enjoy and be happy every second with my boys when sometimes I just want to cry? I can't let them see that. It's not their responsibility to make Mommy happy. It's my responsibility to make myself happy. But what do I do to make myself happy without being self-destructive? Wow, that sounds bad. No, I don't want to drink or drug myself.
Wow... as I typed the last sentence, today's Note from the Universe came in...
"The trick with courage, Kimberly, is realizing that it isn't so much about overcoming fear, as it is about not settling for less. And then, it comes as effortlessly as a midsummer's night breeze.
Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh-a-a-a-a-a-a, who-o-o-osh -
The Universe"
So, I need courage. I need to know what I'm not settling for. So let me start setting some mini-goals... Some of these may seem small and trivial, but if I can look back in the next month and see that I've accomplished them, I'll feel a lot better.
- Get an oil change for my car. It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money.
- Inquire about design jobs. I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me.
- Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection.
- Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.
- Turn off the lights and TV every night. Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely.
- Make a wreath for my front door with my boys.
- Start cooking actual meals. Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me.
- Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.
- Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha.
- Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket.
- Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.
Today I work at 11am. No, I'm not going to get there three hours early, haha. But I think I'm going to go concentrate on me for the time being. Either by way of sleep or by starting the next square for my blanket or by watching a show on TV. Honestly, sleep is the hardest followed by knitting, because I tend to think and dwell on my lonliness. I need to find something new to think about. About the positive heading my way. About how I see my life in the future, even if the future is today. Positive visualization. I'll make that...
12. Positive visualization.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
DAY 15, Part 2
I'm a little bit late, but I want to keep up my daily blogging...
My manager scheduled me for 4pm - close today and I thought I would get some sleep this morning but I still woke up at 7:30 wide awake. Grrrr... I was up for an hour and then went back to sleep for a bit, but I had a bad dream about CL-WoW...
In the dream I was trying to meet him for coffee (a current/constant dilemma anyway) and he told me his job was in chaos (one week on, one week off) and was moving back to ND. I don't have a clue where I was in my dream but I tried to get to him as fast as I could and couldn't find my way out of the town I was in to save my life. I woke up crying and completely frustrated.
Again, I'm so grateful for the awesome co-workers I have and my friends and family for bringing a smile to my face. I managed to get through this day without driving a motorized cart through the V-Day displays, and made over $5 in tips in the process. Yay me!
This picture, by the way, is what happens to my hands in my current job. Nice, huh?
My manager scheduled me for 4pm - close today and I thought I would get some sleep this morning but I still woke up at 7:30 wide awake. Grrrr... I was up for an hour and then went back to sleep for a bit, but I had a bad dream about CL-WoW...
In the dream I was trying to meet him for coffee (a current/constant dilemma anyway) and he told me his job was in chaos (one week on, one week off) and was moving back to ND. I don't have a clue where I was in my dream but I tried to get to him as fast as I could and couldn't find my way out of the town I was in to save my life. I woke up crying and completely frustrated.
Again, I'm so grateful for the awesome co-workers I have and my friends and family for bringing a smile to my face. I managed to get through this day without driving a motorized cart through the V-Day displays, and made over $5 in tips in the process. Yay me!
This picture, by the way, is what happens to my hands in my current job. Nice, huh?
Monday, February 7, 2011
DAY EIGHT, Part 2
I had to look...
According to Dream Moods, zombie dreams mean...
Zombie
1 - To see or dream that you are a zombie, suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.
2 - To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.
WoW... That SUCKS!
According to Dream Moods, zombie dreams mean...
Zombie
1 - To see or dream that you are a zombie, suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.
2 - To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.
WoW... That SUCKS!
DAY EIGHT, Part 1
Thank you to my friends and family for keeping me strong today. There are definitely days that are harder than others along this journey, and today is one of them.
Besides it being difficult just going through what I am, today is the first anniversary of Grandpa's death. He died on Super Bowl Sunday last year, and I'm sure he and Grandma (who died two months later) had great seats at last night's game, despite the fact that they were Buffalo Bills fans.
This is Grandpa with Things 1 and 2 in 2006...
It took me a little longer than planned, but I finished the third block of my blanket yesterday morning. It had a lot of (simple) cabling, and I'm really happy with how it turned out even though it seems narrower than the other two. See below...
Thing 2 and I both had dreams about zombies the other night, which I find EXTREMELY strange. Mine, however, was Shawn of the Dead based, and I was fighting my way through zombies to rescue CL-WoW. The only difference was, I was Shaun (in female form) and CL-WoW was Liz (in male form). And I DID have some red on me!
I just find it strange that Thing 2 and I both had zombie dreams that night. What does that mean?
Besides it being difficult just going through what I am, today is the first anniversary of Grandpa's death. He died on Super Bowl Sunday last year, and I'm sure he and Grandma (who died two months later) had great seats at last night's game, despite the fact that they were Buffalo Bills fans.
This is Grandpa with Things 1 and 2 in 2006...
It took me a little longer than planned, but I finished the third block of my blanket yesterday morning. It had a lot of (simple) cabling, and I'm really happy with how it turned out even though it seems narrower than the other two. See below...
Thing 2 and I both had dreams about zombies the other night, which I find EXTREMELY strange. Mine, however, was Shawn of the Dead based, and I was fighting my way through zombies to rescue CL-WoW. The only difference was, I was Shaun (in female form) and CL-WoW was Liz (in male form). And I DID have some red on me!
I just find it strange that Thing 2 and I both had zombie dreams that night. What does that mean?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
DAY ONE
There's so much I could write about the last 14 years, or even about the last two months for that matter, but I've decided that I'm going to focus on today, tomorrow and beyond. I curled up into bed ready to hibernate for the rest of the winter tonight, and started dwelling on the crappiness I have endured. For those of you who know me, you know religion hasn't ever been a big part of my life, and it wasn't until the weekend following December 8 that I attended church... for the first time in.... 14 years for a non-wedding event. But tonight in bed I prayed. I asked God to tell me what to do. I can't say I heard a response or have felt one yet, however I did get an hour and a half nap. And it was dreamless, a miracle in its own right.
I've always had vivid dreams, but lately they have been bittersweet. I wake thinking wonderful people from my past have re-entered my life in the positive place we left off... usually where I was clueless and didn't see the slingshot of shit headed in my direction. While I'd love to be able to go back to those days and change the course that followed thereafter, I have begun to realize that it was good, although it hurts terribly at times, that I took the road I did. Perhaps I don't see the true benefits yet, I am praying to see why it played out this way somewhere down the road.
I received more court papers today, and again, I cried. While I was afraid the last time that I was going to lose my boys, today I just wanted a hug... And a map. Despite the scariness the last time I received papers, at that time I thought I had a positive and certain vision of my future. Today the road looked empty despite blue skies. I'm not a fan of uncertainty. I want a road map telling me where this journey will take me.
In the meantime, THANK YOU to those of you who have entered my life along my road so far. I appreciate all you have done for me, and I hope you know you can count on me whenever you need a hug or anything in return.
And thank you, Robert Frost... and to the boy who introduced me to this poem 16 years ago...
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
**Disclaimer... If you're a part of my life, you will inevitably be mentioned in my blog at some point. Unless I have permission from you, I will not use your name, and I will NEVER use your last name. Until that point, if it ever comes, you will be given a nickname which you probably know already. My apologies in advance if you are offended. But this is my blog, and unless you want novel-length emails and texts from me on a daily basis, I think you'll agree that I can type it out.
I've always had vivid dreams, but lately they have been bittersweet. I wake thinking wonderful people from my past have re-entered my life in the positive place we left off... usually where I was clueless and didn't see the slingshot of shit headed in my direction. While I'd love to be able to go back to those days and change the course that followed thereafter, I have begun to realize that it was good, although it hurts terribly at times, that I took the road I did. Perhaps I don't see the true benefits yet, I am praying to see why it played out this way somewhere down the road.
I received more court papers today, and again, I cried. While I was afraid the last time that I was going to lose my boys, today I just wanted a hug... And a map. Despite the scariness the last time I received papers, at that time I thought I had a positive and certain vision of my future. Today the road looked empty despite blue skies. I'm not a fan of uncertainty. I want a road map telling me where this journey will take me.
In the meantime, THANK YOU to those of you who have entered my life along my road so far. I appreciate all you have done for me, and I hope you know you can count on me whenever you need a hug or anything in return.
And thank you, Robert Frost... and to the boy who introduced me to this poem 16 years ago...
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
**Disclaimer... If you're a part of my life, you will inevitably be mentioned in my blog at some point. Unless I have permission from you, I will not use your name, and I will NEVER use your last name. Until that point, if it ever comes, you will be given a nickname which you probably know already. My apologies in advance if you are offended. But this is my blog, and unless you want novel-length emails and texts from me on a daily basis, I think you'll agree that I can type it out.
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