Stress and Money: They Come and They Go

An hour later...

Suddenly, while I'm focused on doing the best job I can, and whistling while I work, I get a call that I don't want... My ex-husband, telling me that the kids are being refused from day care unless I go over and make a payment.

So I did.

Argh.

I don't have money for this. Yes, I got paid today and have money in my bank account to cover the check I had to write, but that severely impacts the other bills I have to pay. Rent (for February!), car insurance, food, gas for the car... Sigh... I NEED to find something else.

To top it off, the IRS website is no longer telling me the status of my (hefty) tax return. The site I used to file said I could receive my funds in as soon as 10 days. Today is day 10. So why, today, is the status of my return no longer showing up? Is my payment in process? Is it not coming? I'm not a fan of uncertainty.

And to say the least, I'm stressed.

Majorly, agonizingly, stressed.

I know what I need to do, but why is it so hard sometimes? Being a Christian I know I need to put my Faith in God to provide what I need, but I feel like I should be doing more.

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I started this post yesterday...

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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.

The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests.  While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise.  My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of.  Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them.  The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.

While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous.  In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."

What's next? 

That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...

What's going to burden my life next?  What's going to make my life better next?  How do I take care of this medical issue?  In general...  What's next?

I can only answer the 3rd of these questions.  On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix.  In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives.  1.  These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous.  2.  This will not affect my ability to have children.  3.  Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.

Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry.  Scared that this won't be the end of it.  Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous.  Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened.  Scared that I won't see my boys grow up.  Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave.  Scared in general...

But I have to interupt those thoughts.  Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns.  So I turn to God.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
   they walk and don't lag behind.

Take a Bite Out of Life!

I've decided that the cereal "Life" is very much like life itself.  If you let it sit there too long without tasting it, it will get soggy and stale.  So what are you waiting for?  Take a bite!

Last night I decided it was time to get back to knitting my dress.  I think I may have completed four rows (each row takes about 20 minutes to knit, uninterupted), which I feel good about.  I have no doubt that I'll have the dress finished in time, however I am concerned that it won't fit.  Is it a concern with cause?  No.  I have absolutely no reason to think it won't fit.  But if it doesn't, I would, crazily enough, like to knit it again so it does.  And in case you're wondering, either way I'll be selling the dress (custom-made for other people, not MY dress) on Etsy.

Tonight I would like to work on our invites for the small wedding.  We found a style we like on the internet, however the company wants $4+/card for what is essentially a 4x6 picture and envelope.  Using Photoshop I am planning on tweaking the design, making it our own and getting them printed at Walmart or Meijer.  Then we'll mount the pictures on good, Bazzill cardstock and send them out!  What this other company wanted $4.39/each for, we'll be able to make for under $1!  I'll post pictures of it when I'm finished.

I hate to close up a post this way, but I am going to ask for your prayers.  I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and have to wait up to two weeks for biopsy results to know what is going on.  The hardest part(s) for me are 1) I feel fine.  A routine yearly test came back with abnormal results and they send me into a frenzy.  2) While I try to be an optimist, the worst case scenario scares the shit out of me...  And pisses me off.  I know I have to keep my Faith, and keep a positive mind, however I'm not ready to give up what I have.  And I'm not ready to give up on what I want in the future. 

I'm not going to give up!

The Year of Ketchup

While preparing to compose today's post, I realized my previous method of naming my posts, by day number counting from the beginning of the post, doesn't really do my blog justice.  So much has happened since I began writing the blog that I could have essentially started back at Day 1 any number of times.  So from here on out I will be trying to name my posts in some sort of creatively relevant manner.

Last night was my second knit in a row of not working on knitting my wedding dress.  I had every intention of working on it, however the pattern with all my notes has temporarily made itself scarce.  I'm going to find it, I know I am, however the break from knitting has given me some time to...  NOT think.  Don't get me wrong...  I LOVE to knit.  And even more, I love to be knitting my wedding dress.  However sometimes my mind just gets going to fast that even concentrating on my pattern can't keep my mind under control.  My thoughts while knitting tend to be focused on money, the wedding (obviously) and a whole lot of randomness, but at times all the thoughts blur together and make me feel anxious.  And with all the good in my life, I don't like to feel anxious.

So last night I spent my time playing on my Kindle Fire, Dave's first big surprise for me over the Christmas/New Year's holiday.  Words With Friends has become an addiction, however last night I was sucked into Sim City.  I remember being in high school, spending weekends at my Dad's and staying up until all hours playing it.  Now that I think about it, even back then it gave me the same escape from reality then as it does now.

Last night's game was going extremely well until my city grew so big that I actually started LOSING money.  And that leads me to my thought of the morning.  How many times can our hopes and dreams become SO large that they actually case us to implode onto ourselves?  We let ourselves take on so much that by the time we realize we're overburdened, we're already caving in under the pressure?

So I realize today, that like Sim City, it is necessary to take life one step at a time.  Last night I found myself building too much of one zone, only to lose money and have them remain empty.  This is like life, only people put eggs into too many baskets and fail to succeed or make an omelette out of any of them.

Dave and I have decided that 2012 is the year of Catch-Up.  (Everytime I say this I want to say Ketchup, with my boys in mind).  But, Suze Orman would probably agree that it's impossible to catch up if you're trying to tackle it all at the same time.  Tackle one at a time and you'll get them all worked out eventually.  Try to handle them all at once and you'll be where you started, with nothing done and nothing more to show for all your stress and efforts.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  ~Matthew 6:34

DAY 359

Stepping away from typing up yesterday's post (a day late) I'm faced with a completely new set of feelings.  While I stand by yesteday's thoughts that I have learned how to live, and that every moment needs to be appreciated and cherished, it takes on a completely new meaning to me.

While there are no results yet, I received word from a doctor yesterday that the results from a routine exam came back abnormal and that further testing and a biopsy are necessary.  Without going into too much detail, the outcome from this (if negative) could impact Dave and my ability to have children of our own, which we very much would like to do.  And while I am trying to stay positive, the "What-if's" sometimes get the best of me.

A follow up exam was scheduled for February 15, however I decided to call today and see if the doctor had had any cancellations.  My favorite doctor in the office had a cancellation tomorrow at 2:15pm and I jumped on it.  With our wedding on the horizon, I would like to know the results sooner rather than later.  I don't like being on edge with the boys, and last night and this morning I was EXTREMELY irritable towards both of them, a fact which I am NOT proud of.  I have taken pride in my ability to keep a level head with them in most situations, and last night and this morning I most certainly did not.

On the flip side, this has certainly reinforced yesterday's post...  For me at least.  Cherish every moment.  Don't (or try not to) stress over the things you can't control.  And take time for hugs and kisses, no matter how late you're running.  It's these moments you will and want to remember.

I brought Dave's headphones to work today so that I can listen to K-Love and the first song I heard when I turned it on was "Hope Now" by Addison Road.  The chorus really got to me...

Everything rides on hope now
Everything runs on Faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free.

In the past year I have been given MANY blessings, including a wonderful man who loves me and a renewed relationship with God, who I can praise and give thanks to everyday, despite everything I may or may not be experiencing.  He has a path for me.  I just have to remember to be patient to find out what that path is and where it will take me.

DAY 358

This was yesterday's post, written in my Day Planner...

As I got ready for work this morning, I realized that in the past year I have learned how to live.  By live I don't mean perform the actions necessary in life.  I mean perform them and appreciate them, and remember the ones that matter don't stress about the ones that don't.

Thing 1 is a top-knotch diddle-dwadler in the morning.  It doesn't matter what time he wakes up and how little he has to do, he can still be the last one out the door in the morning.  Despite how late I may be running, however, I always have time for a hug and a kiss when dropping the boys off at school.  Do I use my "flex time" on days I have the boys?  You bet I do!  But those extra minutes for hugs and kisses are well worth it!

Don't forget how to live.  Fill your life with memories of meaningful moments, regardless of how late you're running every morning.

DAY 354

Extremely anxious...  There's no other way to express how I'm feeling right now.  I know some say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, however right now He's giving us a whole lot.  And while we're doing the best we can to take control of some things, others are out of our hands altogether.  I don't like not being in control.

In times like this I have to work extra hard to maintain optimism.  Keep my chin up and keep looking at what our final goals are.  And I have to pray.  Pray to God that He puts us on a good path, and hopefully a better one.

I have a Franklin Covey planner now at work.  I got the 7 Habits refill for this year, and every day has a quote.  Monday's was particularly inspirational...

"People with goals succeed because they know where they're going." - Earl Nightingale

I think I need to make higher goals...

Day 178, Post 1

Ah...  Sometimes it's hard not to let the stress of money get to me.  But when it does I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful support network who remind me to keep my chin up and that God will provide.

DAY 66, Post 3

I'm taking steps in the moving-forward direction this morning.  Whether they be the right steps or not, I guess only time will tell.

I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy.  I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider.  If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life.  And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die.  So...  I need to consider bankruptcy.  I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.

Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency.  They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about.  Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week.  So...  Yay!  I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.

Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car.  The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures.  Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.

Oh!  I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget!  It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month.  The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job.  I have so much to be grateful for though.  One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children.  I can't imagine being under that type of stress.  Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc.  It's hard enough with just my two boys!  She is married though, but still...  If he's making the same as us...  It's got to be REALLY hard!

DAY 65, Post 3

Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.

CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.

I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.

DAY 62, Post 4

My evening thinking session has started early today, thanks to the March 28, 2011 "Our Daily Bread" article which I caught up on today.  A couple sections especially got to me...

Love is not blind but looks

Abroad through others' eyes,

And asks not, "Must I give?"

But, "May I sacrifice?" -Ziegler

Yea, I am approaching this quote first because it's easier for me to discuss.   I've done a lot lately, not because I felt I must give, but because I felt there were things I could myself sacrifice to do something for others.  And I did.  And no, love is not blind.  Sometimes, however, love gives the false impression that you can see clearly when actually you can't.  You can't always see what you're doing clearly, and unfortunately giving sometimes means hurting, both someone else and yourself.  Why someone else?  Because they can't give in return.  Which is where the rest comes in...

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,

not looking to your own interests

but each of you to the interests of the others.

-Philippians 2:3-4

I cannot deny for a second that a lot of my giving and sacrificing had selfish intents.  And I was looking to my own interests and not to the interests of others.  And after having read this I am feeling REALLY bad.  Like horribly bad.  Because I can't walk in anyone's shoes but my own, and while I would gladly walk in someone else's shoes to remove some of the stress, scariness, uncomfortableness, etc., those shoes are not mine and will not fit.  I can't walk on their shoes, but can only be asked to walk beside them, which I haven't been.  And, I won't deny that I've wanted that invitation.

BUT, I must also say, that I do wish I could help.  More than anything, I wish I could be Mary Poppins and snap my fingers to clean up the messes.  That would be a wonderful day.  But I'm not Mary Poppins.  I'm a 32-year old single-mother of two working a (basically) minimum wage job to pay my bills.  And they're not even all getting paid (on-time).  And somehow I need to focus on cleaning up my own messes, even if they are not the ones I want to focus on.  Because, how can I help anyone else if I don't have my rent paid, gas, water and electric paid for, a job, or food in my kitchen for me and my boys?