The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I started this post yesterday...

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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.

The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests.  While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise.  My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of.  Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them.  The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.

While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous.  In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."

What's next? 

That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...

What's going to burden my life next?  What's going to make my life better next?  How do I take care of this medical issue?  In general...  What's next?

I can only answer the 3rd of these questions.  On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix.  In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives.  1.  These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous.  2.  This will not affect my ability to have children.  3.  Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.

Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry.  Scared that this won't be the end of it.  Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous.  Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened.  Scared that I won't see my boys grow up.  Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave.  Scared in general...

But I have to interupt those thoughts.  Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns.  So I turn to God.

Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
   they walk and don't lag behind.

Keep on Keeping On

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.

Keep on seeking, and you will find.

Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

~Matthew 7:7

How can I say it any better than that?  My life feels like a roller coaster sometimes, with unimaginably awesome ascents and unforgiving descents.  When I remember to put faith in my Faith, however, my life plateaus for a bit, and more often or not the plateau is on an up, not on a down.

Last night was filled with all kinds of rushes in good ways.  Here are a few highlights:

• Thing 1 and Thing 2 came home after spending the last 5 nights with their dad.
• Thing 1 presented Dave with an awesome picture he drew, with the caption "The Best Dad Award"
• I did my taxes last night, and forecasted Dave's.  The good news...  Actually, GREAT news is that money is on it's way!
• My fingers were ready for knitting last night.  I divided my dress for the front and back over the weekend, and last night I started the neck and shoulder shaping, including binding off the neckline stitches.  I'm thinking I'll be able to finish at least the left shoulder tonight!

I hope you and your loved ones are either on the ascent or on a plateau at the top!  XO

Take a Bite Out of Life!

I've decided that the cereal "Life" is very much like life itself.  If you let it sit there too long without tasting it, it will get soggy and stale.  So what are you waiting for?  Take a bite!

Last night I decided it was time to get back to knitting my dress.  I think I may have completed four rows (each row takes about 20 minutes to knit, uninterupted), which I feel good about.  I have no doubt that I'll have the dress finished in time, however I am concerned that it won't fit.  Is it a concern with cause?  No.  I have absolutely no reason to think it won't fit.  But if it doesn't, I would, crazily enough, like to knit it again so it does.  And in case you're wondering, either way I'll be selling the dress (custom-made for other people, not MY dress) on Etsy.

Tonight I would like to work on our invites for the small wedding.  We found a style we like on the internet, however the company wants $4+/card for what is essentially a 4x6 picture and envelope.  Using Photoshop I am planning on tweaking the design, making it our own and getting them printed at Walmart or Meijer.  Then we'll mount the pictures on good, Bazzill cardstock and send them out!  What this other company wanted $4.39/each for, we'll be able to make for under $1!  I'll post pictures of it when I'm finished.

I hate to close up a post this way, but I am going to ask for your prayers.  I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and have to wait up to two weeks for biopsy results to know what is going on.  The hardest part(s) for me are 1) I feel fine.  A routine yearly test came back with abnormal results and they send me into a frenzy.  2) While I try to be an optimist, the worst case scenario scares the shit out of me...  And pisses me off.  I know I have to keep my Faith, and keep a positive mind, however I'm not ready to give up what I have.  And I'm not ready to give up on what I want in the future. 

I'm not going to give up!

The Year of Ketchup

While preparing to compose today's post, I realized my previous method of naming my posts, by day number counting from the beginning of the post, doesn't really do my blog justice.  So much has happened since I began writing the blog that I could have essentially started back at Day 1 any number of times.  So from here on out I will be trying to name my posts in some sort of creatively relevant manner.

Last night was my second knit in a row of not working on knitting my wedding dress.  I had every intention of working on it, however the pattern with all my notes has temporarily made itself scarce.  I'm going to find it, I know I am, however the break from knitting has given me some time to...  NOT think.  Don't get me wrong...  I LOVE to knit.  And even more, I love to be knitting my wedding dress.  However sometimes my mind just gets going to fast that even concentrating on my pattern can't keep my mind under control.  My thoughts while knitting tend to be focused on money, the wedding (obviously) and a whole lot of randomness, but at times all the thoughts blur together and make me feel anxious.  And with all the good in my life, I don't like to feel anxious.

So last night I spent my time playing on my Kindle Fire, Dave's first big surprise for me over the Christmas/New Year's holiday.  Words With Friends has become an addiction, however last night I was sucked into Sim City.  I remember being in high school, spending weekends at my Dad's and staying up until all hours playing it.  Now that I think about it, even back then it gave me the same escape from reality then as it does now.

Last night's game was going extremely well until my city grew so big that I actually started LOSING money.  And that leads me to my thought of the morning.  How many times can our hopes and dreams become SO large that they actually case us to implode onto ourselves?  We let ourselves take on so much that by the time we realize we're overburdened, we're already caving in under the pressure?

So I realize today, that like Sim City, it is necessary to take life one step at a time.  Last night I found myself building too much of one zone, only to lose money and have them remain empty.  This is like life, only people put eggs into too many baskets and fail to succeed or make an omelette out of any of them.

Dave and I have decided that 2012 is the year of Catch-Up.  (Everytime I say this I want to say Ketchup, with my boys in mind).  But, Suze Orman would probably agree that it's impossible to catch up if you're trying to tackle it all at the same time.  Tackle one at a time and you'll get them all worked out eventually.  Try to handle them all at once and you'll be where you started, with nothing done and nothing more to show for all your stress and efforts.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  ~Matthew 6:34

DAY 359

Stepping away from typing up yesterday's post (a day late) I'm faced with a completely new set of feelings.  While I stand by yesteday's thoughts that I have learned how to live, and that every moment needs to be appreciated and cherished, it takes on a completely new meaning to me.

While there are no results yet, I received word from a doctor yesterday that the results from a routine exam came back abnormal and that further testing and a biopsy are necessary.  Without going into too much detail, the outcome from this (if negative) could impact Dave and my ability to have children of our own, which we very much would like to do.  And while I am trying to stay positive, the "What-if's" sometimes get the best of me.

A follow up exam was scheduled for February 15, however I decided to call today and see if the doctor had had any cancellations.  My favorite doctor in the office had a cancellation tomorrow at 2:15pm and I jumped on it.  With our wedding on the horizon, I would like to know the results sooner rather than later.  I don't like being on edge with the boys, and last night and this morning I was EXTREMELY irritable towards both of them, a fact which I am NOT proud of.  I have taken pride in my ability to keep a level head with them in most situations, and last night and this morning I most certainly did not.

On the flip side, this has certainly reinforced yesterday's post...  For me at least.  Cherish every moment.  Don't (or try not to) stress over the things you can't control.  And take time for hugs and kisses, no matter how late you're running.  It's these moments you will and want to remember.

I brought Dave's headphones to work today so that I can listen to K-Love and the first song I heard when I turned it on was "Hope Now" by Addison Road.  The chorus really got to me...

Everything rides on hope now
Everything runs on Faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free.

In the past year I have been given MANY blessings, including a wonderful man who loves me and a renewed relationship with God, who I can praise and give thanks to everyday, despite everything I may or may not be experiencing.  He has a path for me.  I just have to remember to be patient to find out what that path is and where it will take me.

DAY 355

Today is going much better that yesterday.  I feel like I can breathe and am in more control of what's going on in my life.  Yes, there are still things I want (and have no control over), like making more money, but as long as we have a roof over our head and food in the cabinets I can handle the rest.  And what I don't feel like I can handle, I can pray for.

DAY 354

Extremely anxious...  There's no other way to express how I'm feeling right now.  I know some say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, however right now He's giving us a whole lot.  And while we're doing the best we can to take control of some things, others are out of our hands altogether.  I don't like not being in control.

In times like this I have to work extra hard to maintain optimism.  Keep my chin up and keep looking at what our final goals are.  And I have to pray.  Pray to God that He puts us on a good path, and hopefully a better one.

I have a Franklin Covey planner now at work.  I got the 7 Habits refill for this year, and every day has a quote.  Monday's was particularly inspirational...

"People with goals succeed because they know where they're going." - Earl Nightingale

I think I need to make higher goals...

Day 351

I've been wanting to write so badly for the last couple of weeks, however I wanted to wait to share the incredible news I have...

Dave and I are engaged!

Throughout each day, every day, I never cease to be astounded by the changes and experiences I have had over the past year.  And now I have gone back around full circle to where I wanted to be when I started this blog nearly a year ago.

Now I am in the process of knitting my wedding dress for the small ceremony, which we will be having in March with immediate family.  Here's where I am right now...

I'm only about 15 inches (of 41) through, but I hope it will speed up a little now that I am starting to decrease.  It's worked from the bottom up in a feather and fan pattern.  All I can REALLY hope is that it fits when it is finished.

Day 178, Post 1

Ah...  Sometimes it's hard not to let the stress of money get to me.  But when it does I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful support network who remind me to keep my chin up and that God will provide.

Day 170, Post 1

I'll start with a little bit about optimism and keeping a positive attitude.  This weekend was hindered by a dark cloud that I won't really get into, however I'm amazed by the positive attitude that some can keep, despite the rolling thunderstorms that seem to pop up on a random, unpredictable schedule.  While some people in my life have an amazing (and to me un-admirable) ability to pick out all that doesn't work in their lives, those that pick out the good when the thunderstorms roll in have my support through anything.  I certainly don't want or intend to be a fair weather friend, however those who can keep their chins up and keep smiling give me so much more hope about my own abilities to work through the storms in my life.  So keep it, lovely.  Keep smiling.  Keep laughing.  I love you and I'll be there for you through it all.

Moving on...

Being in love, and I mean REALLY in love, has made me feel almost bad for laughing...  er, scoffing... at lines in movies when the actors said how love felt.  Take Sleepless in Seattle for example.  Tom Hanks' character says that when he and his deceased wife would touch it would feel like *magic*.  I remember rolling my eyes at this line numerous times.  "Yea, right." I would think.  Love can't possibly feel like that.  But folks, it does.  And I'm in awe to actually be able to experience it for myself.  I never imagined being with someone who would give me butterflies anytime I thought of him, and even more so whenever I see him.  Someone who makes my arm tingle when he touches it, and makes me feel beautiful..  all the time...

I hope you all can feel this type of love someday if you don't already have it.  To me, being able to give you this would be the best gift possible.  Unfortunately I don't fly around in a diaper with wings on my back and a bow and arrow in my hand.  But if I see cupid and know you're looking I'll send him your way.

Day 135, Post 1

Dave so greatly reminded me today that sometimes things get worse before they get better. And I needed that reminded, especially when financially things got worse today on the brink of getting better.

Ill admit, I've been playing roulette for the past couple of months in regards to what bill(s) had to be paid and which could wait. And today the gas company caught up to me. But as pissed as I am (at myself and my lack of funds), I have to remind myself of all the positives. 1) its not winter and we don't need heat 2) Dave and I both now have GOOD jobs and this is the last month of this poorness 3) the electricity is still on 4) the rent is paid.

So, now comes the struggle of figuring out how and when to get the gas turned back on. I HATE asking for help. And while you may wonder why Dave isn't paying it, ill tell you he would x's 5 if he could. But his job just started last week, and after 2 months of being unemployed, you can imagine what his bank account looks like. Sadly, mine isn't any better.

But as Monty Python sang...

Always look on the bright side of life!

I'll suck it up and ask for help one last time, knowing that next month we'll be on the up and up... Or at least our bank accounts will be. Dave, the boys and I are already well on the up and up. And it just hit me that despite the financial stresses, I really couldn't be happier. And that feels better than words can express.

DAY 71, Post 2

I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today.  I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise.  And it feels great.

It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.

It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.

It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.

It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over.  It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm...  Stopping.  Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him.  Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him.  But stopping means I'm going to stop trying.  I'm going to stop worrying about him.  And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me).  And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response...  Perhaps ever...  But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.

It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.

But...  I feel like I'm moving forward.

DAY 68, Post 3

I'm really beginning to resent my neighbor's car alarm.  It has a double honk, and the "beep beep" gets me every time, as do the placement of their headlights.  I need to find something else to focus on.  Something else to distract me and put my thoughts into, as this isn't working for me.

It was a tough day at work.  It was a tough day period.  I entered this week feeling really optimistic about what could lie ahead, and so far I...  Haven't been totally disappointed but it's not where I thought I would be this week.  At all.

DAY 65, Post 2

Well, today could be the day!  And although I'm overwhelmingly excited about that possibility, I'm starting to feel very nervous.  Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.

I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there.  And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close.  The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore.  It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys.  I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me.  OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us.  And he watches my every move.

I started my own personal counseling this morning.  It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it.  So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists.  The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me.  I need to be pushed.  I need to be challenged.  And I hope to get this from her.

I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday.  It had me at 141 pounds.  Yikes.  Or Yay?  I don't really know what to think.  The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds.  I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college.  And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes.  My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore.  Who would've known that boobs would shrink?

DAY 43, Post 4

Almost a month ago I posted a bunch of Mini-Goals for the month.  I decided it's time to evaluate my progress and set new goals for next month...

1. Get an oil change for my car.  It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money. DID IT!
2. Inquire about design jobs.  I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me. I've been looking for jobs, but haven't been focusing on only interior design.  So far, I haven't found anything, but I'm not giving up.
3. Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection.  Due to money I wasn't able to do this...  This month...
4. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter. Eh...  I tried...
5. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely. The lights have definitely been turned off more than they were last month, but I need to get better at this still...
6. Make a wreath for my front door with my boys.  Due to money we didn't do this either...
7. Start cooking actual meals.  Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me.  Eh...  I cooked more this month, but I didn't make as much progress as I had hoped.
8. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself. I've read the Bible quite a bit, but I need to be better about reading to the boys.
9. Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha. Yea...  Didn't happen...
10. Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket. Didn't even finish one more...  But I started!
11. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.  We bought UNO this month but only played a couple of times.
12. Positive visualization  I've decided to eliminate drama-filled people from my life, and stay positive.  The visualization isn't necessarily up to me.

So for next month...

1. Keep on job searching. 
2. Scrapbook!  I've got most of my inventory back, and it's about time I use some of this stuff for my personal use! 
3. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.
4. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely.
5. Cook a real meal every night that I have the boys.
6. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.
7. Knit 3 more blocks for my blanket....  Let's be realistic this month!
8. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.

DAY 40, Post 3

If it hasn't already been written, somebody needs to write a handyman guide for the single woman.  And they need to make sure to include a chapter on how to check if the furnace is working, and if not, how to fix it.  Last night it was colder than normal in my apartment, and even though the thermostat was set to 75 (Yea, I know, very high), it showed the interior temperature at 60.

Panic set in.

With finances being as tight as they are, sometimes bills get paid a little late.  And this month the gas bill was late.  But it WAS paid.  I re-read the bill several times, and a pit formed in my stomach when I read what the reconnect fee would be.  $60.  I won't deny, I don't have $60.  And I don't get paid again until next Friday.

I put on extra layers, double-checked that the boys had enough blankets, and went to sleep.  There's nothing you can do at 2am besides go to sleep.  This morning when I woke up, out of habit, I ran the hot water.  And amazingly enough, it WAS hot!  A sigh of relief partially passed through me, however I called the gas company to make sure my service wasn't disconnected.  And it wasn't!  Thank goodness for small miracles!

So now, after a call to the apartment complex's super, my apartment is warming back up.  It took him about 10 minutes, and I heard that comforting click of the furnace kicking on.  Warm air blew out of the vents, and I became reassured, at least for one more day, that everything is going to be okay.

DAY 40, Post 1

Song of the Day...  Wow...

DAY 39, Post 4

BIG sigh of relief.  I've FINALLY finished my First Responses to Interrogatories for the divorce.  18 pages.  Phoo...  It feels good, yet also scary, to have them finished, as I hope I didn't forget anything.  Today marks FIVE weeks left until D-Day.  Wow.

I'm going to make this a GREAT five weeks!

DAY 35, Post 2

I was raised Catholic. I remember dressing nicer for Mass and sitting through long homilies after which I remembered nothing. I think that's what happens when you've been forced into a religious institution as a child with so say in the matter.

As a young adult I turned... Agnostic... I was spiritual, no doubt, however I doubted the existance of God with everything I had. I believed my Grandpa B. was out there watching over me, and I would pray to him when I needed something.

Later I turned to the Law of Attraction and Abraham Hicks. I still believe this philosophy holds some merit. Think positively and good things will come to you. Have you ever noticed that if your day starts off bad and you dwell on it that your day only gets worse? I believe you need to focus on the positive, as hard as that may be.

This weekend, however, I took a major emotional/religious step. Last week I decided that I will be re-baptized after my divorce is final, and I even called the Church to find out information. Last night we went to church (unfortunately we were late as I thought the service started at 5:30 instead of 5:00), and Pastor Mike mentioned that on Easter there will be a mass Baptism. I tried to approach him, however I was ushered away by someone I think was security.

This morning I decided to go to service again, this time being on time. AMAZING. I get so much more out of the service being there from the very beginning. And even though he didn't mention the Baptism today, I approached Pastor Mike and got to speak with him briefly. I WILL be re-baptized on Easter Sunday and I am elated.

The focus of this weekend's services was the book of Matthew. And the verses which struck me the most were...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:33-34

I also found Matthew 6:1 to be deeply touching, although it wasn't discussed in service...

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' in front of others, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."

I often had issues with people in my past with people who would do good deeds for others and then talk their mouths off about the deeds. It made me feel like they were doing it to be rewarded themselves, rather than for the "right" reasons.

I encourage all of you (and I'll do it myself) to do something good for someone else without sharing what you've done with anyone. Feel good about what you've done because you did it, not because you were praised for it by others.

DAY 33, Post 4

What an AMAZING night! And day for that matter!

Two of my parents are on their way in to see me and the boys and I will be thrilled to see them in the morning.

Tonight, the boys, my friend Ashley, neighbor JTS and I enjoyed a great night of pizza and conversation.

Ashley didn't leave until after midnight, and I am proud to say that, as she said on her Facebook page, tonight a friend became a sister.

I am at peace tonight, and despite all the wrong I have been complaining about, I now go forward ready to embrace the challenges ahead in a new light. My separation/upcoming divorce has opened a brand new door for me, and through that door I can see who my true friends are, as well as reconnect with all the people (friends and family) who I have not been able to in such a long time. When one door closes another door opens, and I am more than excited to see what's in store behind Door Number 2!