Keep on Keeping On

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.

Keep on seeking, and you will find.

Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

~Matthew 7:7

How can I say it any better than that?  My life feels like a roller coaster sometimes, with unimaginably awesome ascents and unforgiving descents.  When I remember to put faith in my Faith, however, my life plateaus for a bit, and more often or not the plateau is on an up, not on a down.

Last night was filled with all kinds of rushes in good ways.  Here are a few highlights:

• Thing 1 and Thing 2 came home after spending the last 5 nights with their dad.
• Thing 1 presented Dave with an awesome picture he drew, with the caption "The Best Dad Award"
• I did my taxes last night, and forecasted Dave's.  The good news...  Actually, GREAT news is that money is on it's way!
• My fingers were ready for knitting last night.  I divided my dress for the front and back over the weekend, and last night I started the neck and shoulder shaping, including binding off the neckline stitches.  I'm thinking I'll be able to finish at least the left shoulder tonight!

I hope you and your loved ones are either on the ascent or on a plateau at the top!  XO

The Year of Ketchup

While preparing to compose today's post, I realized my previous method of naming my posts, by day number counting from the beginning of the post, doesn't really do my blog justice.  So much has happened since I began writing the blog that I could have essentially started back at Day 1 any number of times.  So from here on out I will be trying to name my posts in some sort of creatively relevant manner.

Last night was my second knit in a row of not working on knitting my wedding dress.  I had every intention of working on it, however the pattern with all my notes has temporarily made itself scarce.  I'm going to find it, I know I am, however the break from knitting has given me some time to...  NOT think.  Don't get me wrong...  I LOVE to knit.  And even more, I love to be knitting my wedding dress.  However sometimes my mind just gets going to fast that even concentrating on my pattern can't keep my mind under control.  My thoughts while knitting tend to be focused on money, the wedding (obviously) and a whole lot of randomness, but at times all the thoughts blur together and make me feel anxious.  And with all the good in my life, I don't like to feel anxious.

So last night I spent my time playing on my Kindle Fire, Dave's first big surprise for me over the Christmas/New Year's holiday.  Words With Friends has become an addiction, however last night I was sucked into Sim City.  I remember being in high school, spending weekends at my Dad's and staying up until all hours playing it.  Now that I think about it, even back then it gave me the same escape from reality then as it does now.

Last night's game was going extremely well until my city grew so big that I actually started LOSING money.  And that leads me to my thought of the morning.  How many times can our hopes and dreams become SO large that they actually case us to implode onto ourselves?  We let ourselves take on so much that by the time we realize we're overburdened, we're already caving in under the pressure?

So I realize today, that like Sim City, it is necessary to take life one step at a time.  Last night I found myself building too much of one zone, only to lose money and have them remain empty.  This is like life, only people put eggs into too many baskets and fail to succeed or make an omelette out of any of them.

Dave and I have decided that 2012 is the year of Catch-Up.  (Everytime I say this I want to say Ketchup, with my boys in mind).  But, Suze Orman would probably agree that it's impossible to catch up if you're trying to tackle it all at the same time.  Tackle one at a time and you'll get them all worked out eventually.  Try to handle them all at once and you'll be where you started, with nothing done and nothing more to show for all your stress and efforts.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  ~Matthew 6:34

DAY 107, Post 2

I'm beginning to think that my new job is God's way of telling me that I should have followed in my parents' footsteps and gone to school for accounting.  Somehow the Administrative Assistant position here includes the special added responsibility of scouring through dozens of tabs on Excel spreadsheets to find where miniscule cost savings figures have come from.  And while I normally enjoy detail orientated tasks, the one I've been working on for the past two days is making my eyes cross and blood boil.  I'm just glad I didn't listen to my first instinct last night and take my work home with me, as I probably would have smashed the laptop before the night was over.

Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out.  And it's raining...  Again.  And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved.  DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch.  But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there.  Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.

I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read.  The end reads,

"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."

Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.

DAY 77, Post 2

I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.

I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.

This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.

Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...

"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.

"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?

"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."

The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

DAY 73, Post 2

It is a BEAUTIFUL day out here in Ohio. I decided to take my morning off to go shopping for an interview outfit/professional work outfit. My current work attire is jeans and a tee-shirt. I work tonight 4-11... And unfortunately tomorrow 8-4. I have an interview on Friday with an architectural placement firm, and I need something to wear that fits!

I have mixed emotions about entering the mall though. I have found Old Navy to be my favorite place to shop because the clothes fit great. But the mall, which I am sitting outside of right now, is right down the street from where he lives/lived. And although I would love to drive up the road and see if he is there, I need to... Stop. I can't make the small little drive. I need to prove to myself that I have the self-control. But its so damn hard. I guess this is when I need to pray. Jesus, please help me.

I plan on eating lunch while I am here. I brought my Bible to read while I am eating. Hopefully it will help me as well.

DAY 63, Post 3

Church was amazing this morning.  Pastor Mike spoke a lot about forgiveness and said a few things that really spoke to me.

"Mercy is grace for the undeserved."

"Forgiveness isn't just for the offender but also for the one who was offended."

"The wise forgive but don't forget."

"Don't be a grace abuser."

"Divorce is sometimes the lesser of two mistakes."

No, I don't remember all of these things by myself when I leave church, but I take notes in the back of my Bible during the service.  And I'm so glad I do.  At first I worried that writing and highlighting in my Bible was sacreligious, but I've realized that how else am I going to remember the lessons and thoughts that really touched me?

A specific Bible verse also touched me...

"Let any one of you who is without a sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

John 8:7

Like my scoffer last night, how often are we ready to cast judgement on someone else, when we ourselves have committed wrongs in our own lives?  And how fair is that?

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself..."

Romans 2:1

I left church feeling total forgiveness for all wrongs committed against me.  And I mean ALL wrongs.  And I can't tell you how much more uplifted I feel.  To not feel anger or hatred is a marvelous thing.  I hope that someday all the offenders, and anyone else as well, will be able to feel such forgiveness towards me.



For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15

DAY 63, Post 2

The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.

So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.

This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.

Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.

Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.

DAY 51, Post 5

I'm sitting in the doctor's office... Again... But thankfully this time it's only for a follow-up.

I decided to go to work, for lunch, today. It's funny... I'm an "addict." That's probably how I got the job, with some help from others, but four days has proven to be too difficult to pass by without some of that yummy goodness.

After lunch I went to the park and read the Bible and "Our Daily Bread", an inspirational book Aunt Flushy sent me. I really did find it inspirational. Each day has a recommended Bible passage to read, and today this one got me...

Peter 1:6-9...

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

On my way to the doctor's office I decided to charge my old phone, which is in DH's name. I was looking through some of the text messages (yes, while driving) and found some that REALLY cheered me up. And I decided that although I get down, I'm not giving up. Some things are NOT worth giving up on.

DAY 47, Post 2

It's been quite a day, and emotionally draining just about the whole way.

I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that.  Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.

But...  I went to the mall.  With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me.  I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40.  I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.

After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit.  I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow.  I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside.  And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.

Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment.  They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match.  I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits.  To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad.  That was sooo hard for me to hear.  He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him.  It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy."  I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys.  Do they make bad decisions sometimes?  Yes!  But don't we all?

DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances.  And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough.  It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.

DAY 40, Post 4

The first week's assignment for Momentum for Life is to set aside time for Daily Devotion.  While there is more to this than reading the Bible (meditation, journaling and prayer), I decided to take a few minutes and continue reading Genesis this morning.  Slowly, yet surely, I am working my way through the first book.

This morning's reading was about Joseph and the seven years of abundance followed by seven years of famine in Egypt.  I can't explain it, but out of reading about Joseph stock-piling all of the excess crops, I found a deep desire to stop spending money on things that aren't completely necessary.  Like $2 iced coffees at McDonalds. 

I want to build my own, if even very little, stockpile, and become more responsible about money.  I don't want to get the pit in my stomach worrying that my gas has been shut off.  I already operate on a cash-only basis, but I really need to start doing it with my priorities solidly in place, both for me and the boys.

A couple verses from last night's session really struck me...

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus Christ."
Philippians 3:13-14

DAY 39, Post 3

I just found this Bible verse about honesty...

Luke 16:10
Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

How true...

DAY 35, Post 2

I was raised Catholic. I remember dressing nicer for Mass and sitting through long homilies after which I remembered nothing. I think that's what happens when you've been forced into a religious institution as a child with so say in the matter.

As a young adult I turned... Agnostic... I was spiritual, no doubt, however I doubted the existance of God with everything I had. I believed my Grandpa B. was out there watching over me, and I would pray to him when I needed something.

Later I turned to the Law of Attraction and Abraham Hicks. I still believe this philosophy holds some merit. Think positively and good things will come to you. Have you ever noticed that if your day starts off bad and you dwell on it that your day only gets worse? I believe you need to focus on the positive, as hard as that may be.

This weekend, however, I took a major emotional/religious step. Last week I decided that I will be re-baptized after my divorce is final, and I even called the Church to find out information. Last night we went to church (unfortunately we were late as I thought the service started at 5:30 instead of 5:00), and Pastor Mike mentioned that on Easter there will be a mass Baptism. I tried to approach him, however I was ushered away by someone I think was security.

This morning I decided to go to service again, this time being on time. AMAZING. I get so much more out of the service being there from the very beginning. And even though he didn't mention the Baptism today, I approached Pastor Mike and got to speak with him briefly. I WILL be re-baptized on Easter Sunday and I am elated.

The focus of this weekend's services was the book of Matthew. And the verses which struck me the most were...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:33-34

I also found Matthew 6:1 to be deeply touching, although it wasn't discussed in service...

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' in front of others, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."

I often had issues with people in my past with people who would do good deeds for others and then talk their mouths off about the deeds. It made me feel like they were doing it to be rewarded themselves, rather than for the "right" reasons.

I encourage all of you (and I'll do it myself) to do something good for someone else without sharing what you've done with anyone. Feel good about what you've done because you did it, not because you were praised for it by others.

DAY 33, Post 3

Last night was rough. This morning has been rough. But through all this roughness I'm learning who and what I truly need to have in my life.

I called off work today. I've literally been sick all night thinking about all that's going on. I've made some phone calls this morning already and will hopefully be able to get some help and direction today.

I've been reading more of the Bible this morning, and carry a highlighter to mark the passages that touch me. I hope this isn't sac-religious. (Spelling?)

Proverbs 4:23-27
"Above all else, guard your heart,
For everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity;
Keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
Fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
And be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
Keep your foot from evil."

DAY 33, Post 2

I've been having trouble sleeping. Even at 230 am, however, it's amazing that I can still find comforting ears to talk to.

But now, over an hour later, I'm in bed and I decided to read the Bible...

Proverbs 3:21-24
"My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down your sleep will be sweet."

Hmmmm...

DAY 32, Post 4

What a day. I seemed to get from all sides... Bad, good and in the middle.

The very bad I'm not going to get into. That's where the day started, well, after the visit to DH's house this morning to pull the files.

Then I headed to the GAL appointment. I wound up there an hour early, which seems to be the story of my life lately. So, I drove down the street to the Christian bookstore. On my way out I saw a Proverbs verse about friends that I was going to text, however when I got to my car and looked into my Bible I found another verse instead...

"The mouth of an adulterous woman is a deep pit; a man who is under the Lord's wrath falls into it."
~Proverbs 22:14

I cried. Seriously I felt horrible. Did he fall into my pit? Is this why he keeps getting hit by slingshots of shit?

So I sat there and cried and came to the sudden realization that I need to make REAL changes in my life. I need to BE a good person and surround myself with good people. The road I've been on doesn't work for me anymore.

So now I'm at dinner with the boys, waiting until it's time to go to church for DivorceCare. Today is another new turning point in my life. I can't wait to see where life takes me from here on out.