DAY 70, Post 2

I only have a few minutes before I need to get ready for work.  Today I work 8-4.  I clearly upset my General Manager yesterday when he saw the note that I had updated my availability for work.  He came to ask me about not being able to work on Sundays, and I stated to him that the church has asked me to help out.  While I haven't written about it on here before, the church has contacted me to assist in the Children's Ministry, particularly in the childcare rooms during services.  I would be honored.  But I can't (personally)commit unless I know that I will not have to work on Sundays.  It would be unfair for them to count on me unless I can commit to not working on Sundays.  And seeing as I had been thinking about it for some time anyway, I think it's the right thing to do.  As Christians we aren't supposed to work on Sundays anyway, so what better way to "work" then to help out at my church?

I've spent the last hour scouring the internet for jobs and luckily found a couple to apply for.  While for the most part I like the people I work with at my job, the pay and hours really aren't working for me.  And having a four year degree, I am really concerned that I will get trapped in the minimum-wage restaurant track if I don't make a change soon.  I'm grateful that I've made it the three months I have there so far though.  Seriously, the job is MUCH more intense than I ever expected.

While looking for a new job, I've also been giving a lot of thought to going back to college.  I'm debating between education and therapy/counseling as far as majors go, and I will continue to think about it, probably until the fall.  Both of my moms went back to school later in life, and both went back after the age of 32, so I can wait a bit longer until I figure out if this is my calling.  The thought of taking out more student loans continues to be troubling to me, but pursuing a career in interior design/architecture is proving to be difficult, especially due to the geographic constraints imposed by the divorce.  And there is no way I will move out of the area and lose time with my boys.  NO way.

DAY 65, Post 4

I want to put a HUGE thank you out there to my sweetie-pie Thing 2.  He totally made my night by having a dance party in the living room with me.  We danced to "Try a Little Tenderness", and let me tell you...  I could feel it in my belly when we were through!  Now I know how I'm going to get rid of the belly fat that doesn't want to go away, despite the weight loss.

The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at.  And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices.  I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.

Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking...  Now what?  What do I put my efforts in to now?  I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was.  I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face.  Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me.  And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has.  So...  HA!

But really...  What now?  Where do I concentrate my efforts?  I am thinking job searching would be a good route.  And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters.  The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject.  While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt.  I got myself into this mess.  To me, I really should try to get myself out of it.  Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation.  I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.

Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life.  And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people.  An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about.  I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling.  I REALLY want to help people.  But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while...  At least a few months if not a year.  Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.

DAY 65, Post 3

Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.

CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.

I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.