Do Your Laundry

As I climbed into bed last night I could help but to think about how simple things, like crawling into my own bed each night, can be taken for granted.  From there I began to think about the other earthly pleasures I take for granted, most of them on a daily basis.

Why did I have such thoughts?

Here's why...

Pretty much unrecognizable, that's a clothes dryer in the middle of the picture, next to the chair.  Or should I say a charred dryer next to a charred chair?

Upon arriving home from church yesterday, Dave, the boys and I were welcomed by firetrucks and a Red Cross van in our driveway.  Three apartments down, a young mother had put her daughters down for a nap, and walked out of their room into a cloud of black smoke coming out of the dryer.  She opened the door and flames burst out at her.  From there, the fire spread around the apartment, and between the flames and the smoke, the possessions they held dear were destroyed.

No clothes.

No furniture.

No toys.

No... Anything...

Dave and I pulled together a couple bags of clothes for her and her fiance and I was able to find a few baby blankets left over from my boys for her 5 month old.  And Thing 2 brought tears to her eyes when he presented her with a stuffed elephant for her 2 year old.  But I went to bed wanting to be able to do more.

As I lay down to sleep, however, it truly hit me how much they lost.  Everything must be re-acquired.  From a cup to drink out of to toothbrushes and towels.  Baby clothes and diapers, and a chair to sit on.  Wow.

I seem to be full of pleas for my readers (if I have any) lately, but here's a couple more...

1.  Check out dryer vents and lint traps regularly.  Your lint trap should be emptied before EVERY load.  A clogged vent can not only cause clothes to not by dried in one cycle, but can burn out your heating element, or worse, start a fire.  If you rent, ask your landlord to clean your vent at least once a year.

2.  Invest in renter's insurance.  If you own your home, your home owner's insurance would cover a disaster such as this.  However if you rent, you need to cover yourself.  And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't cost that much.  Geico, for instance, charges approximately $40/month.  Does that sound like a lot?  Think about EVERYTHING you'd need to replace if your apartment burnt down.  Yea...

Day 310

I'm out of the office on lunch and it occurred to me that I haven't updated the blog lately.


My silence has been the result of extreme happiness and hard work. Dave, the boys and I are all happy and healthy, and we are gearing up for Christmas. I've been trying to impress upon the boys this Christmas season what the true meaning of the holiday is. It's not about what we get, but about what we have and why we have it.


But I won't deny that's difficult. With a six-year-old (and nine-year-old) in the house, visions of Santa with a bag of presents are very prominent.


We have made K-Love, a national Christian radio station, a fixture in our lives, and I heard on it yesterday that the average PERSON (not couple, family, etc.) spends $700/year on Christmas presents.  I let out an audible "phooooooo."  $700/year...  That's essentially rent for a month for us.  So here I am trying to figure out how to make Christmas great on maybe $300, and I hear that the average person spends $700.  So if you're reading this, I challenge you to remember what Christmas is really about, and try to focus on that instead.


Dave asked me over the weekend what I want for Christmas and my response (after telling him - him), was a new coffee cup.  Yes, that's all I want.  A new travel mug that doesn't leak when I try to take a sip out of it.  But I guess I never cease to surprise him.  I know he knows I'm not materialistic, but at the time of the year when most people send out mile long Christmas-lists with hundreds of dollars of ideas that they'll probably never use, I choose to be real.  And even when I stretch my brain, I can't think of anything else I want for Christmas.


We found a new church in August that we've been attending, Grace Baptist, and we love how their focus in not on what the church needs financially, but when they do talk about money, it's about how we can help the missionaries or other organizations that need money.  Our family decided to help out Operation Christmas Child (I think that's what it's called), after we heard about what children on the other side of the world have to do without.  While I was able to buy my boys each a 24-box of Crayons for $.50, on the other side of the globe, children go without because crayons cost $5.00... and the average monthly income is $2.00.  Children in Africa need to follow a food truck once a week in order to get fed, and because they lack bowls or cups, they drop the hot oatmeal (or whatever they're served) out of their hands and onto the road...  And they end up eating it off the road.


So how can I ask for anything more than a coffee cup, when there are children living like this?

Day 164, Post 1

Today has already been a whirlwind day.  And it's probably going to get even more so considering I just drank a 6-hour energy shot and I'm currently nursing an AMP energy drink.  (Can you tell I was feeling completely exhausted?)

To start the day off, Thing 2 beat me at a game of Backgammon (almost) fair-and-square before school.  I found out my paycheck was deposited so I went to the ATM to get money for Dave and I to buy gas and my card was rejected as invalid.  Invalid??  I called the bank and because I changed my last name due to the divorce, a new ATM card was issued a month ago.  I just never opened the envelope.  Doh.

So home I went, and then to Speedway to buy gas.  Yea...  I paid for $15, pulled the handle so it would pump while I was taking care of trash and the next thing I know, my car has $21+ in gas.  And I'm an honest person so I went back in to take care of the balance I owed, but the girl at the cash register couldn't figure it out and customer comp'd the difference for me.  Two gallons of free gas?!?  I'll take it!

Then, an hour after I got to work there was a fire alarm and the fire truck came so...  A nice ten minute break was had.

But I was crashing...  Hard...  I don't know why, but I was completely exhausted and coffee wasn't working so I went out during lunch to buy an energy shot.  I decided while I was out to buy new headphones (Slacker.com keeps me going during the day and my headphones broke) at Meijer and while checking out, I had a feeling to buy two scratch-off lottery tickets for $1 each.  And I won $4!

This afternoon I am getting my haircut for the first time since my birthday, and I am REALLY looking forward to it.  While I know I could go to Great Clips and spend $15, haircuts by my favorite local stylist are the one luxury that I really allow myself.  I am anything but a materialistic person as far as I'm concerned, but damn...  A good haircut complete with a shampoo and style just feels SO great sometimes.

Dave reminds me occasionally that God will provide what we need, but today He is being VERY good to me!  It's a GREAT day!  Thank you!

Day 148, Post 1

I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.

Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.

The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.

DAY 113, Post 1

When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends.  Well, let me revise that.  I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.

But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend.  And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so.  This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could...  Just because...

Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.

I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later...  Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park.  I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there.  The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers.  It was amazing!  Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play.  Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face!  Luckily he got the ball with his glove.  Unfortunately, he dropped it.  But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously!  And yesterday...

Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany.  Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months.  After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet.  The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time.  As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be.  :-)

Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!

DAY 107, Post 2

I'm beginning to think that my new job is God's way of telling me that I should have followed in my parents' footsteps and gone to school for accounting.  Somehow the Administrative Assistant position here includes the special added responsibility of scouring through dozens of tabs on Excel spreadsheets to find where miniscule cost savings figures have come from.  And while I normally enjoy detail orientated tasks, the one I've been working on for the past two days is making my eyes cross and blood boil.  I'm just glad I didn't listen to my first instinct last night and take my work home with me, as I probably would have smashed the laptop before the night was over.

Tonight Thing 2 is supposed to have a T-Ball game, a make-up game for one that was previously rained out.  And it's raining...  Again.  And as horrible as it may sound, I find myself relieved.  DH has been less than cordial at any of the games, and at last Friday night's make-up game (also for Thing 2), Dave was just about to throw him a punch.  But I've already reminded Dave, that he's never been in jail, and DH is not an acceptable reason (not that any is) to make a visit there.  Plus, I don't have money to bail him out, haha.

I'm a few weeks behind in reading "Our Daily Bread," however when I go home for lunch I'm going to have to show Dave today's to read.  The end reads,

"Instead of returning injury and insult, may we live by Christ-honoring and Spirit-empowered alternatives: Live at peace with everyone, submit to a spiritual mediator, and leave it in the hands of authorities and, most of all, in God's hands."

Perhaps DH will someday get tired of being ignored through his insults and tirades, or perhaps I'll have to get a restraining order against him, but in the meantime, I really do have to remember, for Dave and my sake, that we can not take any action except no action.

DAY 101, Post 1

I love my new job.  LOVE it.  But the hours between 2 and 4pm seem to drag unmercilessly.  And even worse are the days (like today) when I have eaten a big lunch and my eyes just want to keep crossing.  Today the Mountain Dew and coffee don't seem to be helping either.  So...  I blog.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be doing this from work, but I have a dilemma as far as work is concerned.  I'm GREAT at my job.  And I'm quick to get my work done, which leaves me with a void in my To-Do pile.  Currently I have work to do, however I'm waiting for responses from my co-workers before I can continue on any of it.  And I've already cleaned my desk, including spraying it with cleaner, and my e-mail inbox.  And I've started on a Power Point presentation for the weekly Monday Morning meeting, even though my pre-decessors didn't normally work on it until Friday.  But, yes...  I get satisfaction out of surprising people with the news that my work is already finished...  Correctly...  And ahead of schedule.

Yesterday Dave and I bought a grill and last night he made DELICIOUS beef ribs for dinner.  I've never had beef ribs before, and even Mr. Picky Eater Thing 2 loved them!  I have to say however, that I had absolutely no clue how much buying a Propane tank cost!  Speedway charged over $50 for the tank (because we needed to buy a new tank, not just exchange an empty for a filled), but on a positive note, they give 1000 speedway points with a tank purchase.  Now if I only knew how to cash in Speedway points...  Hmmm...

Tonight is the first of our two much appreciated (regular) nights off from the boys of the week.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my boys.  However, the quiet in the house for those two nights is...  Welcomed with open arms...  And I will say that I know I like it even more because I know their dad won't be calling to talk to them, even though he already saw them earlier in the day.  Perhaps I'll come across as uncaring, but on the nights when he has them, I try to give him HIS time with them without interuptions from me.  But he doesn't look at it that way.  And I feel he intrudes on my time with the boys.  And unfortunately for the boys (and him I guess), they don't want to talk to him when he calls.  But he gives attitude to me and them if they don't talk to him, so I am forced to give them no option but to talk to him.  And that sucks.

Alright..  Back to work.

DAY 78, Post 2

WoW...  Today marks three months since THAT day...  I never knew that would be the last kiss.  I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be...  It.  I was just SO hurt and SO angry.  I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested.  I still don't I suppose.  I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.

Because honestly...  I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last.  I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car.  I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him.  And I don't want that day to have been...  It...  It was too good before then to just end like that.

It's 2am and I'm awake.  And I don't want to be.  I want to be asleep.  But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts. 

I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me.  He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him.  Penny's also curled up next to him.  It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.

DAY 77, Post 2

I'm not feeling it today. I've turned to my Bible and prayer notebook to try to find refuge from all of my thoughts. But it's not working.

I have so many "why" questions on my mind, but I know I can't ask for or search for answers. When they are ready to present themselves they will. But God, I wish the answers would present themselves sooner rather than later.

This will be an... Interesting... Week... It will be my last full week at CMG as my job at AH starts a week from Monday. And next weekend I'll have some real furniture in my apartment finally, thanks to Mom and Aunt Flushy. AND... Next Sunday is my re-affirmation at Ginghamsburg.

Today was a rough day. Check out how I described an experience at the park in an email...

"I took the boys and Penny to the park today after church and I sat there reading my Bible... And then I heard (Thing 2) scream. He came running at me with a bloody nose and dirt and mulch all over his back.

"Some kid (and you better believe I let him and the adults he was with have it) told (Thing 2) he needed to make a sacrifice for him. A sacrifice,... What the hell does a child (Thing 2's) age or even (Thing 1's) age know about the word "sacrifice"?

"But the conversation in the car shocked me. (Thing 1) asked me what the word sacrifice means, and (Thing 2) said "to get hurt so someone else doesn't have to." I guess (Thing 2) has been listening at church when Pastor Mike says that Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross for all of our sins."

The rest of this email doesn't help with my current attitude or my thought pattern today. I'll leave this post at that.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

DAY 76, Post 2

Take me out to the ballgame! Or 30 of them?!

Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.

The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)

CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.

I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.

DAY 65, Post 4

I want to put a HUGE thank you out there to my sweetie-pie Thing 2.  He totally made my night by having a dance party in the living room with me.  We danced to "Try a Little Tenderness", and let me tell you...  I could feel it in my belly when we were through!  Now I know how I'm going to get rid of the belly fat that doesn't want to go away, despite the weight loss.

The boys have finally migrated their way upstairs to bed, however I know they will be up for a while as Penny has found something to bark her head off at.  And while I know they should go to sleep, I am somewhat comforted by the sounds of their voices.  I supposed I should go confiscate their DS's for the night though.

Now that the details of the divorce have been figured out, I sit here thinking...  Now what?  What do I put my efforts in to now?  I was worried I hadn't put enough time into my divorce documents, however after looking at DH's documents, I was FAR more detailed than he was.  I must admit, his lack of detail put a slight smile on my face.  Considering how I would get criticized for my laziness, his work seemed a bit half-ass to me.  And while yes, my work schedule is a bit unconventional, up to now I HAVE had the boys more of the time than he has.  So...  HA!

But really...  What now?  Where do I concentrate my efforts?  I am thinking job searching would be a good route.  And reading a book I picked up at church that Pastor Mike wrote, Money Matters.  The topic of bankruptcy came up at both the therapist's office and at court today, and I am mixed on the subject.  While yes, it would be nice to have my creditors off my back, I have guilty feelings about writing off my debt.  I got myself into this mess.  To me, I really should try to get myself out of it.  Unfortunately I know the debt will take longer to pay off then the seven years a bankruptcy will stay on my record, especially in my current employment situation.  I guess this is something I will REALLY need to think through.

Despite the fact that I myself went to a therapist today, I have been giving a lot of thought to what I would like to do with my life.  And I've realized that I love helping, or rather attempting to help people.  An ad keeps coming up on Facebook for a degree to become a Christian therapists, and I clicked on it today just to see what it's about.  I'm not going to deny that the thought of going back to school and accruing even more debt scares the shit out of me, but I really don't think that design is my calling.  I REALLY want to help people.  But perhaps I should sit/sleep on this thought for a while...  At least a few months if not a year.  Thing 2 will be in Kindergarten in the fall, and life may or may not become simpler then.

DAY 63, Post 6

No, apparently I can't post enough today.  But at least I'm keeping myself occupied, right?

Tonight the boys and I made cookies.  Actually, the boys made them mostly on their own, with my supervision.  Thing 1 read the recipe with only minimal help from me (he even knew TSP meant teaspoon!) and each of the boys cracked their own egg.  I'm quite proud of the job they did!

DAY 61, Post 4

I've spent a good bit of time job searching tonight, only to reach the conclusion that job searching SUCKS.  Monster.com and Careerbuilder produced few results that I even looked at, and even those require more experience (in whatever field the job is in) than I have.  And although I applied for quite a few jobs on Craigslist, I'm dismayed that I received quite a few canned responses asking me to visit such-and-such a website to fill out a credit report or some other bogus offer.  Sigh.

So...  I've decided to look at the progress I've made on my Mini-Goals instead...

1. Keep on job searching.  Doing it!
2. Scrapbook!  I've got most of my inventory back, and it's about time I use some of this stuff for my personal use!  Doing it!
3. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.  Trying to do it, but I could be better...
4. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Trying to do it, but I could be better...
5. Cook a real meal every night that I have the boys.  Getting better at this!
6. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.  Thing 2 enjoys reading the Childrens Bible I bought him and Thing 1 with me before bed.  While we don't do it every night, we do it a few nights a week.
7. Knit 3 more blocks for my blanket....  Let's be realistic this month! I finished the front and kangaroo pocket for CL-WoW's sweater.  Does that count?
8. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.  Not in the past two weeks due to money constraints.  Perhaps by the 14th though!

DAY 51, Post 4

Yes, I am getting other stuff done this morning...  But while I am job searching, I am also cleaning out the DVR, watching old episodes of The Talk.  And once again the ladies are touching on topics that get to me.

Julie started the episode by talking about an article in the Huffington Post that discussed worrying.  Apparently 40% of people worry every day.  "Really?!?!"  I thought.  Only 40%?  I tried to find the article that they were talking about (not very hard though, I must admit) but I found this one instead.

Thing 2 asked me last night what grown-ups worry about, and I had to stop and think for a minute before I answered him.  I told him I worry that my boys are going to get sick (because Thing 1 was sick), and sometimes about money.  The boys don't really understand the money worry.  Thing 1 was excited when my checks came in the mail, because he thought I could just start writing checks to people.  I had to explain that there needs to be money in my account to cover the checks.  They also seem to think that when I need money I can just go to the ATM and use my debit card to get money out.  Oh, I wish it were that easy!

Then the ladies switched topics and started discussing love.  And Julie said something I had said to myself just months ago.  Actually, I had said it to myself the night I met CL-WoW...

"I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't make me happy."

Hmmm...

DAY 49, Post 2

What a beautiful first day of spring. Unfortunately Thing 1 is sick and is in my bed sleeping the afternoon away. Thing 2 and I, however, are outside, enjoying the fresh air with Julie's son (also 5 years old), Penny, and Penny's brother (who Julie adopted), Finn.

This is what elastic waisted pants were invented for... 

Despite Thing 1 being ill, we went to church this morning. Again, I left feeling like the sermon was directed at me. Today the preacher (don't know who he was today) was speaking about the company Jesus tended to keep. While he could have invited or been invited by any number of God following members of his society, he socialized a lot with people who needed God in their lives and were lacking his presence. He directed us not to cast such people out of our lives, but to help them find the way of God. Wow.

While there are people who have been in my life who need God, and there are still, I will admit that there a few in particular that I choose to never to have any type of social relationship with ever again. But for the rest, I will be more mindful not to cast them aside immediately, despite the path I am trying to follow for myself.

And for the one who has expressed how much Jesus is needed in their life, I hope you find him. I will help you in any way I can.

DAY 47, Post 2

It's been quite a day, and emotionally draining just about the whole way.

I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that.  Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.

But...  I went to the mall.  With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me.  I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40.  I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.

After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit.  I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow.  I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside.  And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.

Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment.  They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match.  I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits.  To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad.  That was sooo hard for me to hear.  He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him.  It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy."  I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys.  Do they make bad decisions sometimes?  Yes!  But don't we all?

DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances.  And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough.  It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.

DAY 35, Post 3

When we lived in Mt. Vernon, NY in the early 2000's, I read a TON of books. The library was my source of exercise and solace, and I would push Thing 1 in his stroller two miles each way to get to the beautiful Bronxville library. We would make thre trip at least once a week.

One of the books I read was by Patricia Heaton (I think... I'm on my Blackberry and don't feel like looking it up), the female star of... The book was called Motherhood and Hollywood: How to Get a Job Like Mine and chronicled her career as an actress and mother.

She brought up, and I have to ask you moms out there, have you noticed that you give the perfect toast to your kids and keep the burnt toast to yourself? That's what I do!

Anyway, I find myself eating burnt toast tonight but in another sense... Last night there seemed to be urinary problems in my house. Thing 2 wet his bed, and Miki, the fat cat, decided to pee on Thing 1's bed. Laundry has taken farrrr too long today, and now I find myself in Thing 2's bed with an extra blanket while the boys enjoy my bed with all clean sheets and lots of pillows. Mmm, how I would love to be snuggled up with my body pillow right around now...

DAY 30, Post 2

Yea, another 2am post. I fell asleep with Thing 2 in his bed last night and woke up 15 minutes ago feeling incredibly selfish. Why? Because I want to spend time with somebody on my birthday. And I know he has stuff he wants/needs to be focusing on and it's not me... Right now.

I don't know that it WILL ever be me again. And I feel like a hypocrite. I have that "Focus on what you NEED! Not what you want..." sign on my monitor and I'm not allowing him to do that. I want to be there for him, but... I don't want to make him angry by asking for time away from what he NEEDS to be focusing on. Even if I'm only trying to do it as a friend.

His birthday is coming up too. March 19. Another Pisces. I'd LOVE to celebrate that day with him. Start year #31 off right and with a smile and laughter. Way back when I had taken the day off work. I never gave it back. But that's HIS day, and I hope he finds everything he's looking for on it. And I hope "K" is still in town to celebrate it with him. (That's all I will say about "K.")

I won't deny that I have ideas about a birthday Cross County Care Package. However seeing as I woke up to my internet not working, possibly because I haven't paid the bill, it's hard to justify spending a penny on someone besides the boys and I. BUT, I'm a giving person. And even if I don't do the package, or don't do it in the way I would have liked, the thought it there. And it's the thought that counts, right? Or so society has taught us...

The thought IS there... Constantly.

DAY 20, Post 4

Thing 2 and I tackled another item on Operation Mini-Goals tonight. He and I just played a game of War and now he and Thing 1 are playing against each other. I won't deny for a second that I beat him in a very fast game!

DAY 11

Ha ha ha ha.  I can't think of any other emotion to describe how I feel about something I did last night...

I had a bad morning, but thanks to friends I was able to get back into better spirits and went to work feeling good.  I had to close last night (a highlight of my day, especially cleaning the drains in the men's and women's rooms) but was lucky enough to be able to hang out with a friend after getting home...

And this is what I did...

Did it give me the answers I was looking for?  No.  Did it give me the ability to move on entirely without thinking about him?  No.  But damn, it felt GOOD!  The sweater is still safe, and I'm thinking about finishing it, if even for myself and then it would be backless, but I'll just think of it as a "Snuggie" knitted sweater blanket.  Complete with sleeves and a hood.

I just got off work and home from a long shift today...  10am - 5pm.  Being in there at 10am is hard after leaving at 11:30 the night before.  I think I got two hours of sleep last night.  The boys are thankfully being great tonight, playing with Penny and on the Wii.  I think I'll relax for a little bit before figuring out what to do with the rest of my night.