WoW... Today marks three months since THAT day... I never knew that would be the last kiss. I never knew that making the drive out there to get my key would be... It. I was just SO hurt and SO angry. I didn't see any reason why I should have been tested. I still don't I suppose. I was who I am, and the actions I have taken since then have all been trying to recover some of what was lost.
Because honestly... I don't want THAT kiss to have been the last. I don't want that to have been the last time we listen to "Feeling Good" together in his car. I don't want that day to be the last day I ever hear a real laugh from him. And I don't want that day to have been... It... It was too good before then to just end like that.
It's 2am and I'm awake. And I don't want to be. I want to be asleep. But my dreams are once again taking me back to him and it hurts.
I should say, Thing 2 woke up with a bloody nose, and after his fall at the park today, it concerns me. He's sleeping on the living room floor beside me right now, and I feel comforted that I can keep a watchful eye on him. Penny's also curled up next to him. It's amazing how she's willing to be so close to him when he's not awake, haha.
Showing posts with label CL-WoW. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CL-WoW. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
DAY 76, Post 2
Take me out to the ballgame! Or 30 of them?!
Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.
The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)
CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.
I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.
Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.
The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)
CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.
I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
DAY 73, Post 4
I just saw him again, but that's besides the point. I am on my way home as fast as I can get there because I got a call about the job I REALLY want. They want to interview me TODAY!! Thank you, Jesus for giving me this opportunity!
By the way, he was heading back towards his house when I was walking out of the mall. I'm just happy our cars weren't at the same light together.
By the way, he was heading back towards his house when I was walking out of the mall. I'm just happy our cars weren't at the same light together.
DAY 73, Post 3
Well, this day isn't going as planned. I came out here to buy clothes and when I got to the register the money I had transferred into my account before I left home was gone. My business account is overdrawn and has been charged off and apparently they are taking funds from my other accounts to take care of my balance.
Soooo... I went to the bank across the street to get money out my checking account (I lost my debit card and ordered a new one this morning) and then drove back over to mall. I didn't park near the entrance because I was really upset and after 10 minutes I decided to get some food. Wouldn't you know, as I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, he drove by. Yea... I drive out here not intending to see him, bother him, etc. and he drives by ME. (I know it wasn't intentional.)
Unfortunately where I was planning on picking up a small lunch was in the same direction he was headed. I lost my appetite. I turned around when I got there and came back to the mall, where I am now. It didn't make me lose my appetite to see him so much as the possibility of being seen by him. I'm not here for him. And I don't want to piss him off.
So here I am, new clothes in a bag by my feet, trying to force myself to eat at this small mall Chinese restaurant that he took me to a couple times. And I'm just not hungry.
Please, God, tell me why he had to drive by then? What are you trying to tell me?
Soooo... I went to the bank across the street to get money out my checking account (I lost my debit card and ordered a new one this morning) and then drove back over to mall. I didn't park near the entrance because I was really upset and after 10 minutes I decided to get some food. Wouldn't you know, as I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, he drove by. Yea... I drive out here not intending to see him, bother him, etc. and he drives by ME. (I know it wasn't intentional.)
Unfortunately where I was planning on picking up a small lunch was in the same direction he was headed. I lost my appetite. I turned around when I got there and came back to the mall, where I am now. It didn't make me lose my appetite to see him so much as the possibility of being seen by him. I'm not here for him. And I don't want to piss him off.
So here I am, new clothes in a bag by my feet, trying to force myself to eat at this small mall Chinese restaurant that he took me to a couple times. And I'm just not hungry.
Please, God, tell me why he had to drive by then? What are you trying to tell me?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
DAY 72, Post 2
I'm having difficulty today taking my mind off him. I'm sitting in my car at Thing 1's baseball practice and I'm... Concerned. I guess while I didn't expect a response from my last email, even a short and even rude one would have let me know he's alive. No, I can't say alive and well because under his circumstances, I wouldn't expect well. But because of his circumstances, that's why I would like even a one word response. Because I am a worrier. I am concerned. And I care too much.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
The vibe was off as soon as I got to work this morning. I could feel it. And right away I prayed to God to help me make it through the day. And... I got to cut avocados! While it may sound like a small thing, I'm in what one of my managers call the "cash trap.". They (the managers) find someone who's good at running the register and keep them there. And when you're on cash, there are so many duties assigned to you that you don't have time during your shift to try to learn anything new. But today... I did. And it made my day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
DAY 71, Post 2
I can't entirely explain it, but I am feeling lighter today. I'm feeling like I'm finally headed in the right direction, job-wise, love-life-wise (or lack thereof), personal-life wise. And it feels great.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
It could be because I received a call about a potential job opportunity today.
It could be because things are looking better at my current job, even though I know it's not where I want to be long-term.
It could be because the boys came back home tonight after spending five nights with their dad.
It could be because I sent a final email last night, despite the fact that I said my communications were over. It was not a mean email, but was full of truth and let him know that I'm... Stopping. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring about him. Stopping doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving him. But stopping means I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to stop worrying about him. And I'm going to stop communicating with him (at least until he contacts me). And having not received any recent communication from him, I don't expect a response... Perhaps ever... But it was a heartfelt email, and I hope it is read.
It could be because I had a great hug yesterday.
But... I feel like I'm moving forward.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
DAY 69, Post 2
Tonight I went to the recovery service at Ginghamsburg Church, and unlike my last experience there, tonight was VERY powerful. And I walked out feeling uplifted and with a new purpose.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
Friday, April 8, 2011
DAY 68, Post 3
I'm really beginning to resent my neighbor's car alarm. It has a double honk, and the "beep beep" gets me every time, as do the placement of their headlights. I need to find something else to focus on. Something else to distract me and put my thoughts into, as this isn't working for me.
It was a tough day at work. It was a tough day period. I entered this week feeling really optimistic about what could lie ahead, and so far I... Haven't been totally disappointed but it's not where I thought I would be this week. At all.
It was a tough day at work. It was a tough day period. I entered this week feeling really optimistic about what could lie ahead, and so far I... Haven't been totally disappointed but it's not where I thought I would be this week. At all.
DAY 68, Post 2
I feel numb. This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing. I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there. I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month. And even then I didn't really eat it. I miss bacon and egg sandwiches... Or bacon and french toast. I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
DAY 67, Post 2
I am completely exhausted, physically and just about emotionally. I worked 9-1/2 hours today, which was long, but was nice because it got me a little bit closer to having overtime this week as I was only scheduled for 7 hours. But still, working 2-1/2 hours past when I was planning becomes a little draining. Luckily, the last couple hours flew by.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DAY 65, Post 3
Today is... Bittersweet. I should be celebrating. DH and I reached a settlement and the divorce will be final as soon as the paperwork is filed. But I feel so alone.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
CL-WoW and I had plans to celebrate D-Day. And he has nothing to celebrate in his own life, but I'm selfish and all I want is him... Here. I want to wrap him up in a huge hug that feels like it lasts forever. I want to take away his stresses and worries for as long as I can. And I can't.
I hate not having control. I hate not being able to make him smile. I hate not being able make him happy. And I hate to hate.
Monday, April 4, 2011
DAY 64, Post 3
Like the rest of this year, today was a truly cleansing day. Not only did I clean up the apartment, but I also cleaned up my life a bit. And no, I didn't let go of that biggest lingering thought in my life. But, I did let go, in a way of another.
It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life. I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were. And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying. I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend.
Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today. I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring. Poor puppy was soaking wet. It's funny... Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.
It's sad to see this year how "friends" have been one of the least clean, negative things in my life. I entered this year thinking I knew who my local best friends were. And while I still have GREAT friends in the area (so please don't be offended if you're among them), the ones who have chosen to remove themselves from my life, in one way or another, is somewhat dismaying. I'm happy, however, that today's cleansing did not involve losing a friend.
Penny, unfortunately, got a cleansing of her own today. I put her outside this morning and five minutes later went to let her in to realize that it had started pouring. Poor puppy was soaking wet. It's funny... Her fur when she is wet looks like somebody spent hours crimping it like my sisters and I did in the 80's.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
DAY 63, Post 4
Ahhh... I can't be sure what it is exactly but I'm sitting outside on this beautiful Ohio night we're having, and I swear I smell Axe. And I'm talking about Axe cologne and mens body products, a scent I am EXTREMELY fond of.
I miss the bottles of Axe body wash and shampoo in my shower. I miss the scent of Axe left on my pillow, just so I could smell him when he was gone for a couple days. I miss the criss-cross motion he would use to spray himself with his cologne. I miss how he would ALWAYS smell good... Even his feet (Not that I can say I purposely smelled them... But the fact that I couldn't when I wasn't trying was definitely a plus.)
I have to admit, I've walked the deodorant aisle at Kroger, smelling the various Axes trying to find his. But... There must have been something about the way it mixed with him that made it just right, because no scent I've smelled in the store matches up. And that's probably good, because I would've spent the money to buy it if I could've found it.
Ahhh... One more deep breathe and then I have to go back inside. Breathe in... Breathe out... Back to reality.
I miss the bottles of Axe body wash and shampoo in my shower. I miss the scent of Axe left on my pillow, just so I could smell him when he was gone for a couple days. I miss the criss-cross motion he would use to spray himself with his cologne. I miss how he would ALWAYS smell good... Even his feet (Not that I can say I purposely smelled them... But the fact that I couldn't when I wasn't trying was definitely a plus.)
I have to admit, I've walked the deodorant aisle at Kroger, smelling the various Axes trying to find his. But... There must have been something about the way it mixed with him that made it just right, because no scent I've smelled in the store matches up. And that's probably good, because I would've spent the money to buy it if I could've found it.
Ahhh... One more deep breathe and then I have to go back inside. Breathe in... Breathe out... Back to reality.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
DAY 62, Post 4
My evening thinking session has started early today, thanks to the March 28, 2011 "Our Daily Bread" article which I caught up on today. A couple sections especially got to me...
Love is not blind but looks
Abroad through others' eyes,
And asks not, "Must I give?"
But, "May I sacrifice?" -Ziegler
Yea, I am approaching this quote first because it's easier for me to discuss. I've done a lot lately, not because I felt I must give, but because I felt there were things I could myself sacrifice to do something for others. And I did. And no, love is not blind. Sometimes, however, love gives the false impression that you can see clearly when actually you can't. You can't always see what you're doing clearly, and unfortunately giving sometimes means hurting, both someone else and yourself. Why someone else? Because they can't give in return. Which is where the rest comes in...
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests
but each of you to the interests of the others.
-Philippians 2:3-4
I cannot deny for a second that a lot of my giving and sacrificing had selfish intents. And I was looking to my own interests and not to the interests of others. And after having read this I am feeling REALLY bad. Like horribly bad. Because I can't walk in anyone's shoes but my own, and while I would gladly walk in someone else's shoes to remove some of the stress, scariness, uncomfortableness, etc., those shoes are not mine and will not fit. I can't walk on their shoes, but can only be asked to walk beside them, which I haven't been. And, I won't deny that I've wanted that invitation.
BUT, I must also say, that I do wish I could help. More than anything, I wish I could be Mary Poppins and snap my fingers to clean up the messes. That would be a wonderful day. But I'm not Mary Poppins. I'm a 32-year old single-mother of two working a (basically) minimum wage job to pay my bills. And they're not even all getting paid (on-time). And somehow I need to focus on cleaning up my own messes, even if they are not the ones I want to focus on. Because, how can I help anyone else if I don't have my rent paid, gas, water and electric paid for, a job, or food in my kitchen for me and my boys?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
DAY 60, Post 2
Holy day from hell. And it all has to do with work. The good part is that I have a job, and nothing bad happened to me today. The bad part is... The computers were down, in various ways, all day. And I, being the lucky person that I am, was the only person the system would allow to 1) clock in and 2) be cashier. And that was only after we were open for an hour and having to process every credit card transaction with a crappy hand machine. So yea... Stressful.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that due to another (ex) employee, I went to work two hours early today (she had two no-calls/no-shows earlier this week) and opened after closing last night. I'm NOT a fan of only having eight hours between shifts.
On a different note... Emails were exchanged last night and very early this morning. They started with a not-so-nice one from me, followed by a not-so-nice one from him, followed by an apology from him and then a couple of others. I continue to worry about him, but am going to limit my contact to Wednesdays for the time being. I guess they will be "Happy Hump Day" messages. As much as he is used to doing everything on his own, for reasons I DO understand, I want to remind him that he is not alone.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that due to another (ex) employee, I went to work two hours early today (she had two no-calls/no-shows earlier this week) and opened after closing last night. I'm NOT a fan of only having eight hours between shifts.
On a different note... Emails were exchanged last night and very early this morning. They started with a not-so-nice one from me, followed by a not-so-nice one from him, followed by an apology from him and then a couple of others. I continue to worry about him, but am going to limit my contact to Wednesdays for the time being. I guess they will be "Happy Hump Day" messages. As much as he is used to doing everything on his own, for reasons I DO understand, I want to remind him that he is not alone.
Monday, March 28, 2011
DAY 57, Post 5
Now I'm 95% sure about what I saw earlier. And instead of being angry, I'm just sad.
Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this? I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before? I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.
I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish. An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is. And it sucks. Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.
While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful. And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others. And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit... Be honest already! What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be? Only more hurt for you AND other people!
Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this? I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before? I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.
I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish. An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is. And it sucks. Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.
While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful. And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others. And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit... Be honest already! What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be? Only more hurt for you AND other people!
DAY 57, Post 4
I wish I had one of the bags of sour cream from work at home with me tonight so that I could beat the crap out of it. Seriously, pound all the thickness out of it, four times as much as I need to at work. THAT'S how freaking irritated I am right now.
Why? For no concrete reason, but for a reason I'm 75% sure about. I'm not going to say too much more, but if a whole bunch of little clues add up to what I think it COULD be, then there's a BIG lie at the other end. And I HATE lies.
No joke, if I had a punching bag in my bedroom right now, Julie would be calling the cops, thinking someone was having the shit beat out of them. But now, it would just be me, probably beating the shit out of my hands.
Please, God, let me be 75% wrong, and let the right path be being taken. I don't want to believe that what I saw could be the truth.
Why? For no concrete reason, but for a reason I'm 75% sure about. I'm not going to say too much more, but if a whole bunch of little clues add up to what I think it COULD be, then there's a BIG lie at the other end. And I HATE lies.
No joke, if I had a punching bag in my bedroom right now, Julie would be calling the cops, thinking someone was having the shit beat out of them. But now, it would just be me, probably beating the shit out of my hands.
Please, God, let me be 75% wrong, and let the right path be being taken. I don't want to believe that what I saw could be the truth.
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