While I wrote earlier that today is going better than yesterday, I decided that I have to add that I'm finding it ridiculously difficult to get any work done. I'm sitting at work more or less staring at screen wondering what I should/have to do next. It doesn't really help that I'm on top of all the work that's come in and have already gotten 99.9 percent of my work done. Looking around my cubicle, all I can really see that needs done is that my desk should be wiped down. But I really don't feel like it.
Dave's packed my lunch for the past couple of days, and after eating I start feeling really sleepy shortly thereafter. I wish I could unfold a sleeping bag under my desk and take a nap (I type, yawning).
I probably shouldn't be admitting this, but what often fills my day is random thoughts. I mean, right now I'm staring at my water bottle wondering how many ounces are in a gallon. Do you know? (Looking on google.com to find out) 128 fl. oz. are in a gallon. So... I have a 32 fl. oz. water bottle and I drink at least two a day. No wonder another portion of my day is filled with trips to the ladies room!
But with that said, it's time to fill my water bottle back up for the third time today, haha.
Showing posts with label Eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eating. Show all posts
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, June 16, 2011
DAY 137, Post 1
I think the hardest part of my job is knowing what to do when I have nothing to do. Right now is obviously one of those moments. At no previous job has my desk ever been cleaner than my desk is right now. Is there clutter on it? Yes. But only of the kind that my co-workers need and I can't put in a drawer that may be locked when they go to get it. So... The Franklin Covey puncher for organizer pages stays on my desk, taking up a valuable two-square-feet..
A definite perk of this job is the plethora of K-Cup options for the Keurig machine in the break rooms. With probably a minimum of 20 flavors, I've been able to try my tongue at them without having to buy a whole box at the grocery store. At $7.99/box, I would hate to get a box home and discover upon the first sip that I detest the flavor. Thanks to Dave and his sweet tooth, I've started putting sugar in my coffee again and have been able to stomach every flavor the break room has to offer.
And the highlights of my job?! The continued ability to have lunch with Dave every day. And today we carpooled. (Can it be considered carpooling when we only drive a quarter-mile at most to work?) Unfortunately the lunches and carpooling will stop next week when his schedule moves up an hour-and-a-half, but we'll still be able to see each other on breaks.
This is the boys' weekend with their Dad, quite appropriately considering it's Father's Day weekend, and Dave and I are enjoying a little bit of quiet already. Weekends begin Wednesday night and don't end until I pick them up after work on Monday. I can't fully figure out what to do for Dave for Father's Day though. K is across the ocean, and my bank account is suffering, but I still want to do something special for him. He is an amazing father to his daughter, an amazing role-model for my boys, and an amazing person altogether. I just want him to have an amazing day.
A definite perk of this job is the plethora of K-Cup options for the Keurig machine in the break rooms. With probably a minimum of 20 flavors, I've been able to try my tongue at them without having to buy a whole box at the grocery store. At $7.99/box, I would hate to get a box home and discover upon the first sip that I detest the flavor. Thanks to Dave and his sweet tooth, I've started putting sugar in my coffee again and have been able to stomach every flavor the break room has to offer.
And the highlights of my job?! The continued ability to have lunch with Dave every day. And today we carpooled. (Can it be considered carpooling when we only drive a quarter-mile at most to work?) Unfortunately the lunches and carpooling will stop next week when his schedule moves up an hour-and-a-half, but we'll still be able to see each other on breaks.
This is the boys' weekend with their Dad, quite appropriately considering it's Father's Day weekend, and Dave and I are enjoying a little bit of quiet already. Weekends begin Wednesday night and don't end until I pick them up after work on Monday. I can't fully figure out what to do for Dave for Father's Day though. K is across the ocean, and my bank account is suffering, but I still want to do something special for him. He is an amazing father to his daughter, an amazing role-model for my boys, and an amazing person altogether. I just want him to have an amazing day.
Monday, May 23, 2011
DAY 113, Post 1
When I was married to and lived with DH, I detested the weekends. Well, let me revise that. I couldn't stand knowing that he was going to be home for two full days with the boys and I, most likely making the three of us miserable.
But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend. And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so. This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could... Just because...
Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.
I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later... Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park. I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there. The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers. It was amazing! Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play. Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face! Luckily he got the ball with his glove. Unfortunately, he dropped it. But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously! And yesterday...
Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany. Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months. After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet. The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time. As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be. :-)
Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!
But ever since I moved out and moved on, I love the weekend. And the weekend I just had was absolutely perfect to the point that I would have called in today if I had the luxury of doing so. This was the type of weekend that I wanted to last longer not because I'm exhausted and need more days, but because I would keep reliving each day over and over if I could... Just because...
Sure, I look rather lobster-ish with my first sunburn of the summer, but I would take more than a little of the pink heat if it meant I could do it all again.
I have so many pictures I need to get up on here, and I will at some point, but in this post again I'll say I will post photos later... Friday, Dave and I went to Springfield where we went to Best Buy (thank you, Mine!), Chinese Buffet (yum yum!) and the duck park. I have never fed ducks and geese like I did there. The geese were literally walking right up to us and taking the bread out of our fingers. It was amazing! Saturday both the boys had baseball games, and we enjoyed watching both of them play. Thing 1 was pitcher for an inning and nearly caught a line drive to his face! Luckily he got the ball with his glove. Unfortunately, he dropped it. But it's clear to me that the practice he (and Thing 2) have been doing with Dave has been helping their catching skills tremendously! And yesterday...
Yesterday started with Breakfast with the Beatles until it was (in the most wonderful way possible) interupted by a call from Germany. Tears came to my eyes, literally, when I heard Dave say who it was, as I know he's been waiting for communication for over two months. After breakfast we went back out to Springfield and replanted his mom's flower garden while my newly repaired laptop was downloading WoW off his parent's turbo internet. The garden looked FANTASTIC when we were through, and when we got home all tired and hot we were able to play WoW together for the first time. As nerdy as it may sound, we were/are as excited about being able to play together as we can be. :-)
Next weekend will be taking us to New York to see my family, and I can't wait!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
DAY 109, Post 1
Last night Dave and I didn't have the boys so we took the opportunity, as horrible and selfish as it may sound, to eat out. No, I will not deny that we don't eat out with them because of the extra cost associated with feeding two more mouths. And... It's just so much more enjoyable eating out when it's only the two of us.
Anyway... When we arrived back home, DH was in the parking lot, kids in the car with him, and being a giant a**. I won't disclose the details of his attitude, however neither Dave nor I appreciated the way that he spoke to me. And Dave let him know it. And DH's response? Something along the lines of "Get out of my way you stupid jerk!"
Everyday I think more and more about getting a restraining order against him. However I fear the consequences of performing such actions. What would he/could he do to retaliate against me? And the only reason I would get the order is because I am more than tired of him verbally accosting me, whereever and whenever he wants. And his choice location lately seems to be at the boys' baseball games. And that's bullshit.
Anyway... When we arrived back home, DH was in the parking lot, kids in the car with him, and being a giant a**. I won't disclose the details of his attitude, however neither Dave nor I appreciated the way that he spoke to me. And Dave let him know it. And DH's response? Something along the lines of "Get out of my way you stupid jerk!"
Everyday I think more and more about getting a restraining order against him. However I fear the consequences of performing such actions. What would he/could he do to retaliate against me? And the only reason I would get the order is because I am more than tired of him verbally accosting me, whereever and whenever he wants. And his choice location lately seems to be at the boys' baseball games. And that's bullshit.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
DAY 102, Post 2
I can feel my belly growing... The delicacies prepared by Dave in the kitchen and on the grill are already impacting my weight. I can feel it. And it's funny... I know it's happening because a dress I bought two weeks ago (and am wearing for the first time today) doesn't fit as well around the boobs as it did before. No, I'm not pregnant. BUT, I did notice that when I lost weight I lost it in my boobs. Hmmm...
Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill. I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria. The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.
Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers. The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha. It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him.
Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy. Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma. I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit. I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools. If I could buy him one of everything, I would.
I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves. Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear. Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home. Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car. It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face. Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad. I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die? Am I in heaven?" I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring. Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!
Today for lunch Dave made barbeque pork chop sandwiches and hot italian sausages on the grill. I'm afraid I won't make it through the afternoon at work due to falling asleep due to a full-belly enduced euphoria. The yummy deliciousness is sitting in my stomach, and it's a very good thing there's not a seam running down the front of my dress or I'd be afraid it would split.
Tonight after work Dave and I will be going to play pool with my co-workers. The guys, minus the manager and assistant manager, have a regular Thursday night weekly outing set up and apparently I'm worthy enough to be invited, haha. It probably helps that I was able to connect with JM, one of my co-workers, almost immediately by discussing WoW with him.
Last night Dave and I went down to Beavercreek to go to the Fairfield Mall as well as DSW and Old Navy. Dave introduced me to Bourbon Chicken (was that the name?) at Cajun Ming, and then I introduced him to Williams Sonoma. I think the latter overwhelmed him a bit. I'm not surprised, however, considering the store is packed full of high-quality, over-priced cooking tools. If I could buy him one of everything, I would.
I was tickled (Pink, haha) to find that Gap had stock of my favorite perfume, "So Pink", still on their shelves. Unfortunately it's been discontinued, so I'll soon have to find a new fragrance to wear. Not only do I love it, but Dave as well to the point that he asked me to spray it up under the dashboard in the car on the way home. Within seconds the aroma of "So Pink" filled the car. It was lovely, I won't deny, but even more beautiful was the huge smile it put on his face. Ahhh, how I LOVE seeing his smiles.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, but for a good reason, rather than bad. I honestly laid there thinking, "Did I die? Am I in heaven?" I was going to ask Dave to pinch me, however I decided instead to lie there enjoying being wrapped up in his arms and listening to his soft snoring. Oh how love is such a beautiful thing!
Monday, May 9, 2011
DAY 99, Post 1
It's been another amazing week. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I do not hesitate to say it was the BEST Mother's Day I have celebrated. It was DH's weekend to have the boys (although I had them from 11am - 7pm yesterday) and... I got to sleep in! At about 10am I was woken up by Dave with kisses and an invitation to the kitchen for breakfast. And what a breakfast it was! He had made me a HUMONGOUS omelet with shrimp scampi, onions, salsa, mushrooms (?) and lots of other deliciousness and I got to enjoy Breakfast with the Beatles with him.
After we picked up the boys we went to church, and then home where the boys were blown away to see that Dave's TV has made it's way to Troy... And the Wii and old TV are now set up in Jacob's room. Dave has been VERY helpful in implementing discipline in the house, and not in a harsh manner. Actually, his method of discipline is all about earning respect and rights by giving respect and contributing to the house. So, the although the Wii and TV are now in Jacob's room, the remotes for all of the above are in our show organizer in the front hallway, out of reach in the top row of shoe holders. The boys are now aware that in order to play/watch ANYTHING, they must have done all their chores and have been respectful all day. There are no second chances on being respectful.
Later yesterday afternoon the four of us went to Brukner Nature Center. We walked the path(s) for a while, but because of all the rain, we suddenly found ourselves without a path and surrounded by mud and water. While at first we tried to stay dry and clean, it didn't work for two long. I will add pictures to this post later tonight. We almost had a pet snake, however (and thankfully) the thing escaped from Dave's pocket somewhere along the walk. I can't say I'm disappointed, although I know the boys were.
When we got home I attempted to wash/dry all of our sneakers however I managed to break the dryer in the process. Dave's been working on fixing it today (the belt came off the drum) and I'll be helping finish it up when I get home tonight. (I'm very excited, as I (1) LOVE doing this type of thing and (2) know it's not an activity Dave would normally let me help with... Especially considering he did my nails last night, haha.)
Pictures and more will come tonight...
After we picked up the boys we went to church, and then home where the boys were blown away to see that Dave's TV has made it's way to Troy... And the Wii and old TV are now set up in Jacob's room. Dave has been VERY helpful in implementing discipline in the house, and not in a harsh manner. Actually, his method of discipline is all about earning respect and rights by giving respect and contributing to the house. So, the although the Wii and TV are now in Jacob's room, the remotes for all of the above are in our show organizer in the front hallway, out of reach in the top row of shoe holders. The boys are now aware that in order to play/watch ANYTHING, they must have done all their chores and have been respectful all day. There are no second chances on being respectful.
Later yesterday afternoon the four of us went to Brukner Nature Center. We walked the path(s) for a while, but because of all the rain, we suddenly found ourselves without a path and surrounded by mud and water. While at first we tried to stay dry and clean, it didn't work for two long. I will add pictures to this post later tonight. We almost had a pet snake, however (and thankfully) the thing escaped from Dave's pocket somewhere along the walk. I can't say I'm disappointed, although I know the boys were.
When we got home I attempted to wash/dry all of our sneakers however I managed to break the dryer in the process. Dave's been working on fixing it today (the belt came off the drum) and I'll be helping finish it up when I get home tonight. (I'm very excited, as I (1) LOVE doing this type of thing and (2) know it's not an activity Dave would normally let me help with... Especially considering he did my nails last night, haha.)
Pictures and more will come tonight...
Saturday, April 16, 2011
DAY 76, Post 2
Take me out to the ballgame! Or 30 of them?!
Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.
The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)
CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.
I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.
Baseball season for the boys has officially begun. Right now I'm in a local school gymnasium for the team and individual player pictures. Thing 2 had his pictures at 8am, and Thing 1's are at 930. While I thought about leaving to get Tim Hortons for the boys, I'm tired, comfortable, and unwilling to spend the money on food we don't need.
The boys look so cute/handsome in their uniforms though. I want to see if I can get a quick picture of both of them together without having to pay for it. I doubt it, but it would be worth a shot (no pun intended!)
CT came by and we talked yesterday. He's struggling with me being out there dating other people and I feel really bad about it. I mean, I know where he's coming from... Sort of... Because I've wondered more than once if CL-WoW has been out there. While I enjoy my time with him immensely, I worry about committing especially after my date with JW Thursday night. I had a really great time, nevermind the fact that we closed more than one establishment in town, haha.
I suppose all I can do is pray. If no other day/week has shown me the power of prayer and putting my trust in Jesus, this week has. And I know I have to do it for ALL aspects of my life. And right now, relationships (or lack thereof) are one of the areas I need the most guidance in.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
DAY 73, Post 3
Well, this day isn't going as planned. I came out here to buy clothes and when I got to the register the money I had transferred into my account before I left home was gone. My business account is overdrawn and has been charged off and apparently they are taking funds from my other accounts to take care of my balance.
Soooo... I went to the bank across the street to get money out my checking account (I lost my debit card and ordered a new one this morning) and then drove back over to mall. I didn't park near the entrance because I was really upset and after 10 minutes I decided to get some food. Wouldn't you know, as I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, he drove by. Yea... I drive out here not intending to see him, bother him, etc. and he drives by ME. (I know it wasn't intentional.)
Unfortunately where I was planning on picking up a small lunch was in the same direction he was headed. I lost my appetite. I turned around when I got there and came back to the mall, where I am now. It didn't make me lose my appetite to see him so much as the possibility of being seen by him. I'm not here for him. And I don't want to piss him off.
So here I am, new clothes in a bag by my feet, trying to force myself to eat at this small mall Chinese restaurant that he took me to a couple times. And I'm just not hungry.
Please, God, tell me why he had to drive by then? What are you trying to tell me?
Soooo... I went to the bank across the street to get money out my checking account (I lost my debit card and ordered a new one this morning) and then drove back over to mall. I didn't park near the entrance because I was really upset and after 10 minutes I decided to get some food. Wouldn't you know, as I was pulling out of the mall parking lot, he drove by. Yea... I drive out here not intending to see him, bother him, etc. and he drives by ME. (I know it wasn't intentional.)
Unfortunately where I was planning on picking up a small lunch was in the same direction he was headed. I lost my appetite. I turned around when I got there and came back to the mall, where I am now. It didn't make me lose my appetite to see him so much as the possibility of being seen by him. I'm not here for him. And I don't want to piss him off.
So here I am, new clothes in a bag by my feet, trying to force myself to eat at this small mall Chinese restaurant that he took me to a couple times. And I'm just not hungry.
Please, God, tell me why he had to drive by then? What are you trying to tell me?
DAY 73, Post 2
It is a BEAUTIFUL day out here in Ohio. I decided to take my morning off to go shopping for an interview outfit/professional work outfit. My current work attire is jeans and a tee-shirt. I work tonight 4-11... And unfortunately tomorrow 8-4. I have an interview on Friday with an architectural placement firm, and I need something to wear that fits!
I have mixed emotions about entering the mall though. I have found Old Navy to be my favorite place to shop because the clothes fit great. But the mall, which I am sitting outside of right now, is right down the street from where he lives/lived. And although I would love to drive up the road and see if he is there, I need to... Stop. I can't make the small little drive. I need to prove to myself that I have the self-control. But its so damn hard. I guess this is when I need to pray. Jesus, please help me.
I plan on eating lunch while I am here. I brought my Bible to read while I am eating. Hopefully it will help me as well.
I have mixed emotions about entering the mall though. I have found Old Navy to be my favorite place to shop because the clothes fit great. But the mall, which I am sitting outside of right now, is right down the street from where he lives/lived. And although I would love to drive up the road and see if he is there, I need to... Stop. I can't make the small little drive. I need to prove to myself that I have the self-control. But its so damn hard. I guess this is when I need to pray. Jesus, please help me.
I plan on eating lunch while I am here. I brought my Bible to read while I am eating. Hopefully it will help me as well.
Friday, April 8, 2011
DAY 68, Post 2
I feel numb. This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing. I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there. I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month. And even then I didn't really eat it. I miss bacon and egg sandwiches... Or bacon and french toast. I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream. I was able to put my arms around him and hug him. In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was. In my dream he even had the scars of his accident. But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life. I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him. Just like I do now.
In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him. But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run. I was able to find him without any struggle. And I wish I knew what this meant. I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow. That I would be able to find him without a struggle.
I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him. To let him know I'm here for him. And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me. And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support. I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week. But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him. And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself. It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.
This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work. And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend. It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night. And not to be... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for... But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service. But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated. And I NEED to go to church. If they had service every day I would go every day.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
DAY 67, Post 2
I am completely exhausted, physically and just about emotionally. I worked 9-1/2 hours today, which was long, but was nice because it got me a little bit closer to having overtime this week as I was only scheduled for 7 hours. But still, working 2-1/2 hours past when I was planning becomes a little draining. Luckily, the last couple hours flew by.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
I found myself scanning the line all day, however, to see if there was anyone I knew. And by someone I know, I mean either the face of CL-WoW whom I long to see, or CT, who is always a friendly face to see. Either would have been welcome, despite my differing reasons for wanting to see them individually.
Tonight is night two of not having the boys. Per the divorce agreement, DH has them Wednesday and Thursday nights, and because he has them this weekend (Friday - Sunday nights), I will not see them until Monday. It makes for a VERY quiet apartment when I get home, and on nights like tonight when I'm drained, I don't really know what to do with myself. It's too early to go to bed, however I had intended to go to the grocery store and I really don't feel like it. I should go though. Perhaps when I'm done posting.
Actually, I don't know what else to write. My mind is just sorta... Numb. I don't think I can put into sentences anything that is running through my brain right now. And as disgusting as it might sound, I could really go for an (entire) angel food cake and a Green Goodness. I think I might just make that trip to the grocery store.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
DAY 66, Post 2
My neighbors two doors down have two birdhouses in their backyard. Nestled in the trees, I've enjoyed watching the variety of birds that frequently visit them. I'm not a bird watcher, but so far I think I've identifies cardinals, robins, blue jays and possibly doves.
This morning, watching them hop around and eat their food, I have to wonder what type of worries birds have. Sure, they think to gather their food, protect their young, build their nests and stay out of inclement weather. But what else does a bird worry about?
And now it occurs to me. The worries of a bird are not so different from a single-mom. I need to protect my boys, and provide them food and a safe shelter. But if I'm focusing on these tasks, what else do I really need to worry about? Won't the rest basically take care of itself?
This morning, watching them hop around and eat their food, I have to wonder what type of worries birds have. Sure, they think to gather their food, protect their young, build their nests and stay out of inclement weather. But what else does a bird worry about?
And now it occurs to me. The worries of a bird are not so different from a single-mom. I need to protect my boys, and provide them food and a safe shelter. But if I'm focusing on these tasks, what else do I really need to worry about? Won't the rest basically take care of itself?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
DAY 63, Post 2
The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
Friday, April 1, 2011
DAY 61, Post 2
I can't really express how I've felt today. My emotions, feelings, etc. run all over the gamut. Tired, motivated, proud, spiritual... Those are just a few...
I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week. As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go. And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit. Because there certainly are. But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up. Will I be exhausted from working so much? Hell, yea! But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again. So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.
While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December. And writing that rent check was... Exhilirating. After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well. Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments! While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks. And I don't like having that little in my account. I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have... More... I handled it like shit. I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December. Woo hoo for me!
After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry. I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed. Yuck, I know. But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room.
And Penny... Damn her sometimes... This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night. Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny! Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago. Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each. So... I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold. The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear. Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.
The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid. Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now. Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well. The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat. And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so... Yea...
Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful. While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend. I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season. I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games. I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves. Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.
This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences. Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit. And I appreciate the lessons each have provided. It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way. With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do. But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers. Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them. So thank you, ladies! Patience truly is a virtue!
So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience. And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial. Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day. I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it. And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well. No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later. If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to. But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
I covered a shift at work this morning for a girl who has now lost her job for not showing up and not calling up for a few shifts earlier this week. As much as I can't stand my job sometimes, I can't imagine just letting it go. And that's not to say there aren't times I just want to quit. Because there certainly are. But even if/when I find a better job, I still planning on keeping this one just as a back-up. Will I be exhausted from working so much? Hell, yea! But I never want to be in the situation where I don't have a job again. So if it takes two jobs to ensure this, then so-be-it.
While I hate to admit it, I was able to pay my rent today, by myself, for the first time since I moved in here in December. And writing that rent check was... Exhilirating. After that I came home and paid part of my electricity bill as well. Thank goodness for companies that allow partial payments! While I could have paid the full amount that my bill showed, that would have left only a little bit of money in my account until I get paid in two weeks. And I don't like having that little in my account. I think I've written it before, but it's amazing how I can manage my money when I don't have a lot, but when I did have... More... I handled it like shit. I don't think I've had one overdraft charge since I moved out in December. Woo hoo for me!
After getting home I cleaned the living room, washed one batch of dishes, took care of the trash and did a load and a half of laundry. I wouldn't have had to do the second load of laundry but the darn cat won't stop peeing on Thing 1's bed. Yuck, I know. But with Penny here, Miki has taken up refuge in Thing 1's room.
And Penny... Damn her sometimes... This morning I found her chewing Thing 1's NEW hearing aid, which he had left on the floor last night. Not the place to leave it by any means, but damn it, Penny! Thing 1 lost his hearing aid the day we moved out and DH just took him to get this new one three weeks ago. Hearing aids, for those of you who don't know, are NOT covered by health insurance, and cost over a thousand dollars each. So... I will have the pleasure of covering the cost of the new earmold. The earmold is the plastic piece that goes into the ear. Thank goodness the electronic part was spared from Penny's wrath.
The boys have realized that the weekends they are with me coincide with the Friday's I get paid. Thing 2 has been begging for a new baseball glove, however that's not in the budget right now. Neither is dinner at La Fiesta, which they have been asking for as well. The baseball glove isn't a necessity, however his glove from last year is currently missing, as is Thing 1's baseball bat. And Thing 1's baseball practice started this week, so... Yea...
Tomorrow is the last Saturday of sports for the boys at the YMCA until the fall, for which I am immensely grateful. While I enjoy watching the boys play, spending over three hours of my Saturdays off at the YMCA is not the highlight of my weekend. I'll be much happier this spring and summer watching them play baseball, especially since I am not coaching this season. I'll miss coaching, without a doubt, but with my job at CMG, I can't afford to take off all the time for practice and games. I don't think a parent realizes just how much time and energy coaching takes until they've done it themselves. Unfortunately for the coaches, they suffer sometimes from the wrath of parents who don't realize the sacrifices the coaching parents make.
This week I have learned the value of patience, from a variety of experiences. Work, customers, CL-WoW have each taught me a bit. And I appreciate the lessons each have provided. It's amazing, however, how much the customers taught me, and not necessarily in a positive way. With the computers down yesterday, it was amazing how nasty some customers got when they couldn't speed through the line as they normally do. But then there are the customers behind the nasty customers who try to make the cashier's (my) day better by joking about the previous customers. Two women especially, put a smile on my face yesterday when they commented on the customer in front of them. So thank you, ladies! Patience truly is a virtue!
So for the next few weeks and months, I will exercise patience. And it's going to be an interesting couple of weeks. I could be divorced this coming Tuesday if everything goes smoothly at our pre-trial. Or, it could be just shy of two weeks from now when I'm officially divorced, and if that's the case, I will patiently await the day. I thought about the day for years, and I can patiently wait a couple more weeks for it. And as for the other things/situations I am hoping for, I will patiently wait for them as well. No more trying to force them to happen sooner rather than later. If they happen, they will happen when they are supposed to. But in the meantime I need to remind myself to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
Monday, March 28, 2011
DAY 57, Post 3
I've realized I'm tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of worrying. Tired of the drives out there. But I want it to be worth it. I don't want to doubt my reasons. I want to know that I'm doing what I should be doing. BIG sigh.
On a positive note, my boys are home with me. Right now they are sharing Goldfish with Penny and asking what we're having for dinner. And I don't have a clue. Honestly, I don't feel like cooking. And I worked until 3pm and had my employee meal when my shift was over so I'm not really hungry.
On a positive note, my boys are home with me. Right now they are sharing Goldfish with Penny and asking what we're having for dinner. And I don't have a clue. Honestly, I don't feel like cooking. And I worked until 3pm and had my employee meal when my shift was over so I'm not really hungry.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
DAY 51, Post 6
I am happy to report that my weight loss has slowed down. Two weeks and only 1/2 pound. (My lunch probably helped that though, haha.)
147.7 pounds. I can handle that!
147.7 pounds. I can handle that!
DAY 51, Post 5
I'm sitting in the doctor's office... Again... But thankfully this time it's only for a follow-up.
I decided to go to work, for lunch, today. It's funny... I'm an "addict." That's probably how I got the job, with some help from others, but four days has proven to be too difficult to pass by without some of that yummy goodness.
After lunch I went to the park and read the Bible and "Our Daily Bread", an inspirational book Aunt Flushy sent me. I really did find it inspirational. Each day has a recommended Bible passage to read, and today this one got me...
Peter 1:6-9...
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
On my way to the doctor's office I decided to charge my old phone, which is in DH's name. I was looking through some of the text messages (yes, while driving) and found some that REALLY cheered me up. And I decided that although I get down, I'm not giving up. Some things are NOT worth giving up on.
I decided to go to work, for lunch, today. It's funny... I'm an "addict." That's probably how I got the job, with some help from others, but four days has proven to be too difficult to pass by without some of that yummy goodness.
After lunch I went to the park and read the Bible and "Our Daily Bread", an inspirational book Aunt Flushy sent me. I really did find it inspirational. Each day has a recommended Bible passage to read, and today this one got me...
Peter 1:6-9...
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
On my way to the doctor's office I decided to charge my old phone, which is in DH's name. I was looking through some of the text messages (yes, while driving) and found some that REALLY cheered me up. And I decided that although I get down, I'm not giving up. Some things are NOT worth giving up on.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
DAY 44, Post 2
I sit here, at work, leisurely enjoying my employee meal before my shift starts at 4pm. And I think...
It's strange how sometimes you are provided what you need right when you need it. For example, with $1 left in my bank account, I received a small child support payment today. Oh, what a surprise it was. And while I immediately thought about all the stuff I want to buy, I immediately reigned myself in and thought about what the money NEEDS to go towards... Rent. Utilities. Gas. Food.
But I went to pull my laundry out of the dryer and pulled out one of the pairs of jeans I've been wearing to work for the past two months. To say I can't wear them without a belt would be an understatement. Even with a belt they look like balloon pants. And I made a decision.
A half hour or so later, I walked out of Kohls with a brand new pair of jeans. The pair I wore in/out were size 14. The new pair (the first and only pair I tried on!) are size 8. Wow... Do I have Buyer's Remorse? Yes, a little. But damn, it feels incredible to wear jeans to work that feel AND look good.
It's strange how sometimes you are provided what you need right when you need it. For example, with $1 left in my bank account, I received a small child support payment today. Oh, what a surprise it was. And while I immediately thought about all the stuff I want to buy, I immediately reigned myself in and thought about what the money NEEDS to go towards... Rent. Utilities. Gas. Food.
But I went to pull my laundry out of the dryer and pulled out one of the pairs of jeans I've been wearing to work for the past two months. To say I can't wear them without a belt would be an understatement. Even with a belt they look like balloon pants. And I made a decision.
A half hour or so later, I walked out of Kohls with a brand new pair of jeans. The pair I wore in/out were size 14. The new pair (the first and only pair I tried on!) are size 8. Wow... Do I have Buyer's Remorse? Yes, a little. But damn, it feels incredible to wear jeans to work that feel AND look good.
Monday, March 14, 2011
DAY 43, Post 3
Haha... Seriously, the best D-Day present anyone could give me would be a kitchen timer...
For some reason, cooking loses my attention really fast, but if I'm baking, my attention remains on the oven like you wouldn't believe.
There is no way I can get the boys to eat this ham, however, I'm enjoying a plate of ham and green beans tonight. Wow, it's nice to eat...
For some reason, cooking loses my attention really fast, but if I'm baking, my attention remains on the oven like you wouldn't believe.
There is no way I can get the boys to eat this ham, however, I'm enjoying a plate of ham and green beans tonight. Wow, it's nice to eat...
Friday, March 11, 2011
DAY 40, Post 2
What a difference a couple of days makes!
I'm up at 2am, and for once it's not because I woke up thinking about too much. Actually, CT graced me with a phone call after work, and I have to say, I enjoy having friends who work 2nd shift. Having someone to talk to in the dead of the night is REALLY great!
Anyway, he made me terribly hungry while making himself a breakfast burrito, and I made myself a ridiculous plate of Pizza Rolls. Ridiculous meaning like thirty of them... Drenched in Smoked Tobasco Sauce... Mmmm... It's WONDERFUL to be eating again!
Did I mention that the hospital weighed me when I was in triage the other night? 148.1. Yea. Not good. If I lose any more I want it to be because I'm exercising and doing activities that are good for me. NOT due to stressing out and not eating.
I'm entering this weekend with plans already, and it feels great to know my weekend doesn't revolve around work. Tomorrow night I'll be scrapbooking (in some way or another) with Julie, and then I'm making dinner for CT and I. (Julie, if you read this - you and J are invited!) Then... I get to SLEEP IN on Saturday morning before having to work from 11-4. I am happy to be able to go to church on Saturday after work... Pending they let me out on time. I guess I'll have to see.
I'm up at 2am, and for once it's not because I woke up thinking about too much. Actually, CT graced me with a phone call after work, and I have to say, I enjoy having friends who work 2nd shift. Having someone to talk to in the dead of the night is REALLY great!
Anyway, he made me terribly hungry while making himself a breakfast burrito, and I made myself a ridiculous plate of Pizza Rolls. Ridiculous meaning like thirty of them... Drenched in Smoked Tobasco Sauce... Mmmm... It's WONDERFUL to be eating again!
CT's Breakfast Burrito (picture messaged to me... to make me jealous, I think)
Here's what was left of my pizza rolls when I was full...
I'm entering this weekend with plans already, and it feels great to know my weekend doesn't revolve around work. Tomorrow night I'll be scrapbooking (in some way or another) with Julie, and then I'm making dinner for CT and I. (Julie, if you read this - you and J are invited!) Then... I get to SLEEP IN on Saturday morning before having to work from 11-4. I am happy to be able to go to church on Saturday after work... Pending they let me out on time. I guess I'll have to see.
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