Stepping away from typing up yesterday's post (a day late) I'm faced with a completely new set of feelings. While I stand by yesteday's thoughts that I have learned how to live, and that every moment needs to be appreciated and cherished, it takes on a completely new meaning to me.
While there are no results yet, I received word from a doctor yesterday that the results from a routine exam came back abnormal and that further testing and a biopsy are necessary. Without going into too much detail, the outcome from this (if negative) could impact Dave and my ability to have children of our own, which we very much would like to do. And while I am trying to stay positive, the "What-if's" sometimes get the best of me.
A follow up exam was scheduled for February 15, however I decided to call today and see if the doctor had had any cancellations. My favorite doctor in the office had a cancellation tomorrow at 2:15pm and I jumped on it. With our wedding on the horizon, I would like to know the results sooner rather than later. I don't like being on edge with the boys, and last night and this morning I was EXTREMELY irritable towards both of them, a fact which I am NOT proud of. I have taken pride in my ability to keep a level head with them in most situations, and last night and this morning I most certainly did not.
On the flip side, this has certainly reinforced yesterday's post... For me at least. Cherish every moment. Don't (or try not to) stress over the things you can't control. And take time for hugs and kisses, no matter how late you're running. It's these moments you will and want to remember.
I brought Dave's headphones to work today so that I can listen to K-Love and the first song I heard when I turned it on was "Hope Now" by Addison Road. The chorus really got to me...
Everything rides on hope now
Everything runs on Faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free.
In the past year I have been given MANY blessings, including a wonderful man who loves me and a renewed relationship with God, who I can praise and give thanks to everyday, despite everything I may or may not be experiencing. He has a path for me. I just have to remember to be patient to find out what that path is and where it will take me.
Showing posts with label Lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lessons. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, December 19, 2011
Day 323
I've come to the realization that I do NOT like slow days at work. While some people may enjoy the fact that they can theoretically do what they want, I find my eyes wanting to close, and myself endlessly daydreaming about what I'd rather be doing. I like being busy. No, I don't like getting down to the wire with tasks that need to be done, but I really enjoy having a stream of projects to work on.
The boys have been with their dad since Wednesday and do not come home to Dave and I until Christmas Day (Sunday) at 3pm. I miss them. We enjoy the quiet, don't get me wrong, however... After a day or so it's almost too quiet.
Dave can't wait to give me my Christmas presents, and I can't wait to see Dave and the boys open theirs. The materialistic aura around Christmas continues to trouble me, however I love to give. Honestly, I have everything I could possibly want. If there were no presents under the tree for me, I would be perfectly ok with that.
Alright, I am going to move on to pretending I'm working on something else... In all reality, I'm probably listening to Tony Robbins and trying to develop a way to become financially successful. :-)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
DAY 163, Post 1
It never ceases to amaze me how completely miserable some people are willing to be 24/7. Whether they be friends, family, exes or co-workers, I just want to smack them into a state of contented bliss. Even during my lowest times, I did not allow myself to walk around in a state where I allowed myself to be a bitch to everyone around me.
The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him. I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it. DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house. To me, this is not acceptable. When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand. They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle. We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys. But for him, that is not possible.
Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails. To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago. My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate.
Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman. The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her. And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life. Well, except with DH. Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.
The other night DH started a line of bullying interoggation with Thing 1 while on the phone with him. I heard the conversation and decided I needed to put an end to it. DH is convinced he knows more about what goes on in my house than I do and has proceeded to tell the boys how things work at MY house. To me, this is not acceptable. When the boys are with me or on the phone with me I want them to be comfortable, not feel like they are on the witness stand. They have no reason to be in the middle of a battle between their dad and I, and as far as I'm concerned, there shouldn't be a battle. We would be able to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our boys. But for him, that is not possible.
Today there is a co-worker (not in my office) who has decided to be rather testy via emails. To give you background, inter-office mail lost an envelope that was mailed from me to her two weeks ago. My dad taught me to never burn bridges, but apparently this woman has never heard of this strategy and it's rather unfortunate.
Dave shared a story with me about how he blessed a former co-worker with niceties (is that spelled properly?) because she was such a sour woman. The pissier she was, the nicer Dave would be to her. And today and this week that is how I am trying to handle the sour people in my life. Well, except with DH. Dave said the best we can do is pray for him, and I agree.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
DAY 69, Post 2
Tonight I went to the recovery service at Ginghamsburg Church, and unlike my last experience there, tonight was VERY powerful. And I walked out feeling uplifted and with a new purpose.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
Tonight, I take my step back. No more letters, emails or contact with CL-WoW... For at least a month or two. Because my reasons, while I have wanted to help him, HAVE been rooted in selfishness. And yes, while I would welcome him in anytime he comes, my desires for him have taken away from my focus on Christ, my children and myself. And I can do this no longer. And my contact with him has taken away from his focus on Christ, his daughter and himself. And I can't do this any longer either.
But I take my step back not with regret, but with thankfulness. Thankfulness that I learned that I can love for another human being (besides for my boys or immediate family) in a way that I never knew possible. Thankfulness that Christ provided me the desire and capacity to give everything that I can for someone else, no matter the hurt that he may have caused me.
So, while I step away, I will not deny that I will hold him in my thoughts. I will pray that he and his situation improve. I will continue to write to him, but will hold my messages in a notebook until the time comes that I can either throw them away or feel that it is time to give them to him. And I know I will dream of him. And I will continue to love him. And I hope he knows that whenever he is ready/willing/able, he has at least a friend here who loves him.
BUT... I will be more adament in focusing on my faith. Including prayer in my day, every morning, afternoon and night. Asking Jesus for his grace, mercy and forgiveness. And asking that he guide me on the path that I am meant to be on. I must add that today at work, everytime I found myself thinking about CL-WoW, I interupted myself and said the Lord's Prayer... repeatedly. And while I did think of CL-WoW multiple times, by repeatedly I mean that I said the Lord's Prayer repeatedly. And tonight at service we said it again. And oh, what a blessing that was.
As I sat in service tonight, I thought about all the recovering alcoholics and addicts sitting around me and I felt overwhelmed. I was in awe that these wonderful people were able to turn their lives around and find salvation in Christ. They are able to refocus their lives on something good, both for themselves and Christ. And that is what I need to do as well. So, thank you to my fellow service attendees. You are an inspiration to me. May be all find what we need in this life by following Christ and welcoming him in our lives and hearts.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
DAY 63, Post 3
Church was amazing this morning. Pastor Mike spoke a lot about forgiveness and said a few things that really spoke to me.
"Mercy is grace for the undeserved."
"Forgiveness isn't just for the offender but also for the one who was offended."
"The wise forgive but don't forget."
"Don't be a grace abuser."
"Divorce is sometimes the lesser of two mistakes."
No, I don't remember all of these things by myself when I leave church, but I take notes in the back of my Bible during the service. And I'm so glad I do. At first I worried that writing and highlighting in my Bible was sacreligious, but I've realized that how else am I going to remember the lessons and thoughts that really touched me?
A specific Bible verse also touched me...
"Let any one of you who is without a sin be the first to throw a stone at her."
John 8:7
Like my scoffer last night, how often are we ready to cast judgement on someone else, when we ourselves have committed wrongs in our own lives? And how fair is that?
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself..."
Romans 2:1
I left church feeling total forgiveness for all wrongs committed against me. And I mean ALL wrongs. And I can't tell you how much more uplifted I feel. To not feel anger or hatred is a marvelous thing. I hope that someday all the offenders, and anyone else as well, will be able to feel such forgiveness towards me.
For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)