I started this post yesterday...
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Yesterday's roller coaster ride of life took us down a major decline and back up a surprising way.
The decline was the result of hearing the outcome of my medical tests. While I wouldn't normally get (quite so) personal on here, I am sharing the following as encouragement to any/all female readers to get their annual pap smear, and accept the additional testing, despite any additional costs that may arise. My pap smear this year came back abnormal, and my doctor's office did a further exam which I will spare you the details of. Cells were removed from my cervix and a biopsy was performed on them. The results returned yesterday and I received a call from the doctor's office during my lunch.
While my HPV test(s) came back negative, the removed cells are "moderate to severely bad cells with lesions" and are pre-cancerous. In doctor talk, this is "Cervical Dysplasia."
What's next?
That's a question that can be asked and answered in so many ways...
What's going to burden my life next? What's going to make my life better next? How do I take care of this medical issue? In general... What's next?
I can only answer the 3rd of these questions. On Monday, February 27 I will be having a LEEP (?) procedure in which the bad cells will be burnt and scraped off my cervix. In the end my cervix will be shortened, however there are positives. 1. These cells are PRE-cancerous, not cancerous. 2. This will not affect my ability to have children. 3. Once removed, the doctor said these cells usually don't return.
Despite these positives, I couldn't/can't help but be scared and angry. Scared that this won't be the end of it. Scared that the cells will return and will be cancerous. Angry that my life, which is finally as wonderful as I could ever have imagined, could be drastically changed and shortened. Scared that I won't see my boys grow up. Scared that I won't be able to grow old with Dave. Scared in general...
But I have to interupt those thoughts. Even Tony Robbins says you have to interupt negative thought patterns. So I turn to God.
Isaiah 40:27-31
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind.
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Friday, February 3, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Take a Bite Out of Life!
I've decided that the cereal "Life" is very much like life itself. If you let it sit there too long without tasting it, it will get soggy and stale. So what are you waiting for? Take a bite!
Last night I decided it was time to get back to knitting my dress. I think I may have completed four rows (each row takes about 20 minutes to knit, uninterupted), which I feel good about. I have no doubt that I'll have the dress finished in time, however I am concerned that it won't fit. Is it a concern with cause? No. I have absolutely no reason to think it won't fit. But if it doesn't, I would, crazily enough, like to knit it again so it does. And in case you're wondering, either way I'll be selling the dress (custom-made for other people, not MY dress) on Etsy.
Tonight I would like to work on our invites for the small wedding. We found a style we like on the internet, however the company wants $4+/card for what is essentially a 4x6 picture and envelope. Using Photoshop I am planning on tweaking the design, making it our own and getting them printed at Walmart or Meijer. Then we'll mount the pictures on good, Bazzill cardstock and send them out! What this other company wanted $4.39/each for, we'll be able to make for under $1! I'll post pictures of it when I'm finished.
I hate to close up a post this way, but I am going to ask for your prayers. I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and have to wait up to two weeks for biopsy results to know what is going on. The hardest part(s) for me are 1) I feel fine. A routine yearly test came back with abnormal results and they send me into a frenzy. 2) While I try to be an optimist, the worst case scenario scares the shit out of me... And pisses me off. I know I have to keep my Faith, and keep a positive mind, however I'm not ready to give up what I have. And I'm not ready to give up on what I want in the future.
I'm not going to give up!
Last night I decided it was time to get back to knitting my dress. I think I may have completed four rows (each row takes about 20 minutes to knit, uninterupted), which I feel good about. I have no doubt that I'll have the dress finished in time, however I am concerned that it won't fit. Is it a concern with cause? No. I have absolutely no reason to think it won't fit. But if it doesn't, I would, crazily enough, like to knit it again so it does. And in case you're wondering, either way I'll be selling the dress (custom-made for other people, not MY dress) on Etsy.
Tonight I would like to work on our invites for the small wedding. We found a style we like on the internet, however the company wants $4+/card for what is essentially a 4x6 picture and envelope. Using Photoshop I am planning on tweaking the design, making it our own and getting them printed at Walmart or Meijer. Then we'll mount the pictures on good, Bazzill cardstock and send them out! What this other company wanted $4.39/each for, we'll be able to make for under $1! I'll post pictures of it when I'm finished.
I hate to close up a post this way, but I am going to ask for your prayers. I had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon, and have to wait up to two weeks for biopsy results to know what is going on. The hardest part(s) for me are 1) I feel fine. A routine yearly test came back with abnormal results and they send me into a frenzy. 2) While I try to be an optimist, the worst case scenario scares the shit out of me... And pisses me off. I know I have to keep my Faith, and keep a positive mind, however I'm not ready to give up what I have. And I'm not ready to give up on what I want in the future.
I'm not going to give up!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Day 148, Post 1
I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
DAY 66, Post 3
I'm taking steps in the moving-forward direction this morning. Whether they be the right steps or not, I guess only time will tell.
I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy. I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider. If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life. And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die. So... I need to consider bankruptcy. I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.
Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency. They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about. Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week. So... Yay! I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car. The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures. Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.
Oh! I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget! It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month. The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job. I have so much to be grateful for though. One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children. I can't imagine being under that type of stress. Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc. It's hard enough with just my two boys! She is married though, but still... If he's making the same as us... It's got to be REALLY hard!
I called my attorney's office this morning and set up an appointment for next Friday morning to discuss bankruptcy. I still have feelings of guilt when considering bankruptcy, but I believe it really is something I need to consider. If given the choice between paying of the debt little-by-little, it could take me the rest of my life. And the last thing I want to think about, even at age 32, is leaving my boys debt when I die. So... I need to consider bankruptcy. I'm already operating on a cash-basis as far as finances go, and I have absolutely no intention of ever racking up debt on credit cards ever again.
Next, I received a call from a local, architectural and engineering focused employment agency. They had a job in the office, which was unfortunately more senior of a position then I am eligible for, which they wanted to speak to me about. Fortunately, the man told me they do get a number of jobs through their office, and he would like to sit down with me next week. So... Yay! I've already updated my resume(s) and gotten them back to him, so now I just have to wait and see what happens.
Lastly, I called a car insurance company to get a quote for my car. The car will be paid off and the title transferred to me in the next 30 days, so registration and car insurance are next on my list of bigger expenditures. Luckily we're not still living outside of New York City and the car insurance will be (relatively) affordable.
Oh! I also forgot to mention that I wrote up a monthly budget! It didn't have the car insurance cost as I didn't know that yet, however I'm seeing what I have to spend money on and how much money that will leave me at the end of every month. The leftover isn't very much, and it's plainly obvious to me that I need to get a higher paying job. I have so much to be grateful for though. One of my co-workers is working two jobs, probably both at the same rate as I'm getting paid, as she has FIVE children. I can't imagine being under that type of stress. Food, clothes, car-pools, activities, etc. It's hard enough with just my two boys! She is married though, but still... If he's making the same as us... It's got to be REALLY hard!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
DAY 32, Post 2
I went to bed last night thinking I would fall asleep peacefully, but, I didn't. I worried. All night. I suppose I never got rid of my childhood nickname of "Worrywart."
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
But I didn't worry about me or my boys, and that made it so much harder for me to sleep. I know the three of us will find our way through everything that is going on just fine. The events and circumstances I worried about are out of my hands, out of anybody's control, and I feel horrible that the best I can do is offer a hug.
A little over three years ago I was suffering and I was ready to check-out completely. I was ready to drive myself off the road so that DH would get my life insurance money to pay off my debt. (I didn't realize my actions would eliminate the life insurance benefits from happening). And I was going through so much less than my friend is going through. I pray that his faith keeps him from ever having the thought of checking-out. My heart is literally paralyzed in fear that he could ever feel that way. And he's a stronger individual than I, going through more than I could ever imagine going through at one time. Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come for him.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
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