DAY 68, Post 2

I feel numb.  This morning I feel like I'm walking through the motions of being a human without any real attachment to what's going on around me or to what I'm actually doing.  I ate a bowl of cereal, without actually being hungry for it and now it's just sitting there.  I haven't eaten breakfast in at least a month.  And even then I didn't really eat it.  I miss bacon and egg sandwiches...  Or bacon and french toast.  I miss Breakfast with the Beatles.

I had a dream about CL-WoW last night, and for once we were actually in the same place in the dream.  I was able to put my arms around him and hug him.  In the dream, however, he had been in an accident and while half the time he was in the present time and wanted me there with him, the rest of the time he was back in time by 20 years, thinking he was a child and not having any idea who I was.  In my dream he even had the scars of his accident.  But I still loved him, despite any flaws or burdens added to his life.  I still wanted to be there for him and stay there to support him.  Just like I do now.

In every other dream I've had I've been running to get to him.  But as I wrote earlier, in this one I didn't have to run.  I was able to find him without any struggle.  And I wish I knew what this meant.  I wish I knew that this would manifest itself into my day or future somehow.  That I would be able to find him without a struggle. 

I've been trying SO hard to reach out to him.  To let him know I'm here for him.  And it hurts me to know that since he's never accepted help from anyone else that he won't accept it from me.  And I don't have anything to give right now except for emotional support.  I'm broke until I get child support or my paycheck next week.  But I would still give the contents of my tip jar (which I'm saving for Christmas presents) if it would relieve any of the burden on him.  And I say that with a practically empty gas tank myself.  It's a good thing I only work a mile from my apartment.

This past Wednesday started what will probably be a 7-8 day stretch at work.  And these stretches get to be sooo long, especially when I don't have the boys over the weekend.  It also doesn't help that between Saturday and Sunday I won't have time to get to church unless I go to the recovery service on Saturday night.  And not to be...  I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for...  But I didn't get as much out of the recovery service when I went two weeks ago as I do when I go to the regular service.  But working until 5pm on Saturday and having to work at 8am on Sunday, the possibility of going to a regular service is eliminated.  And I NEED to go to church.  If they had service every day I would go every day.

DAY 44, Post 2

I sit here, at work, leisurely enjoying my employee meal before my shift starts at 4pm. And I think...

It's strange how sometimes you are provided what you need right when you need it. For example, with $1 left in my bank account, I received a small child support payment today. Oh, what a surprise it was. And while I immediately thought about all the stuff I want to buy, I immediately reigned myself in and thought about what the money NEEDS to go towards... Rent. Utilities. Gas. Food.

But I went to pull my laundry out of the dryer and pulled out one of the pairs of jeans I've been wearing to work for the past two months. To say I can't wear them without a belt would be an understatement. Even with a belt they look like balloon pants. And I made a decision.

A half hour or so later, I walked out of Kohls with a brand new pair of jeans. The pair I wore in/out were size 14. The new pair (the first and only pair I tried on!) are size 8. Wow... Do I have Buyer's Remorse? Yes, a little. But damn, it feels incredible to wear jeans to work that feel AND look good.

DAY 29, Post 4

The Cross County Care Package was mailed today.  It will be there tomorrow.  I'm taking a deep breath and hoping it doesn't get a "oh f***" response from him.  I will continue to send them though.  The front of the sweater is almost completed, but he'll be getting a sleeve, the hoodie and front pocket before he gets the front or green sleeve.  I would hope that all the pieces would be reunited with both of us present, not just in one package or another.  A girl can hope, can't she?

I got my hours for work today and they are a little bit...  Depressing...  14 hours this week.  I had today off, have Wednesday (my birthday!) and Thursday off, and then don't work Saturday or Sunday because it's my weekend with the boys.  I'm really looking forward to going to church on Sunday though.  I just wish I didn't have to feel bad when the tithe basket goes by without a contribution from me.  It's amazing how much I can count every penny when I've been HORRIBLE about money in the past.

I think about all the things I want to do with my paychecks and child support (when it starts coming in), however I look at the little sign I put on my monitor and refocus...

Yes, there is the exception of CL-WoW.  However he's the only exception for the time being.  And I wouldn't so much call him a focus as a...  Distraction.  Little things keep reminding me of him and don't allow him to get out of my head.  So, I'll take that as a sign (yes, I believe in signs), that it's not time to let go yet.  Something will tell me if/when that time comes.

DAY 25, Post 2

Last night I was feeling GREAT, and right now I'm feeling good, however somewhere in the middle I had a little lapse.  Let's call it a "How the hell did I get here?!?" moment.  I sat here in my empty apartment, looking around, wondering how I wound up...  Here...  I had a momentary lapse in thought, thinking, "Please, God.  Take me back in time."  Six weeks, six months, I wondered if I could wake up in a moment where I could do things differently.  Yes, I even thought about my marriage.

But do I want my marriage again?  No!  Absolutely not!

And then sleep rescued me.  A nice, rare, dreamless sleep.

I woke this morning to find my "Note From the Universe" waiting in my email in-box...

"Hey, Kimberly, don't you see? The "right" circumstances, people, and opportunities are just like "good" ideas - they come to you fastest, once you relax.

Zip, Zap, Zop,
The Universe"

And even though my eyes were open, I actually woke up.  I relaxed enough on Tuesday to get a job interview for next week.  (Yay for me!)  So now I tell myself, "Come on, Kim!  Relax!  All those things you are waiting for will come to you!  Just stop worrying, relax, and live in the moment!"

DAY 22, Post 2

It's a wonder what you can do without a microwave.  In this case, I didn't do it, but I was happy to be able to watch.  :-)

Popcorn!  And it was microwaveable popcorn no less!

On another positive note, I found out last night that DH has made two child support payments, so now I just need to wait for the funds to get into my account.  It could still be weeks though, so I'll just have to continue being patient.  Unfortunately with rent due next week, I get a bit uneasy just waiting here for the funds.  Ahhh...

Oh!  I have to send out a welcome to my new neice, born last Thursday afternoon.  I can't wait to meet you!

DAY 19, Post 3

Well, I've started Operation Mini-Goals pretty well! Last night (or this morning) I turned off the lights and went to bed. I curled up next to my body pillow and tried to visualize my future. The next thing I knew my alarm was going off and I had to wake up.
Then since I've woken up this morning I've already called my attorney's office regarding child support and I've called Job and Family Services regarding my assistance. No, I will not deny that for the time being I am receiving public assistance.
I've also cleaned up a bit around the apartment. Everytime I get up I clean up a couple more things and I've closed the kitchen cupboards. I'm not Greek, but according to Greek culture it's bad luck to leave your cupboard doors open.
Now its time to get Thing 1 to school and call to make the GAL payment. Have a great day!

DAY 19, Post 2

Wow, I feel like an idiot.  A royal, world-class idiot.  I should have just let it go a month ago and done what I said I was going to do...  Concentrate on me and the boys.  Because the horse was dead then, and I was the crazy bat who was too blind to see it.

So now, I move on...  Those of you follow my blog are probably glad to hear it.  But now what do I do with myself?  I had tried moving on last week with the fire, haha, but I think I botched up that whole night and the week following pretty good.  And I think I offended someone else in the process and I don't like that.

I'm not a person who likes to hurt or offend others.  Perhaps I'm naive, but a person has to be REALLY mean for me to want to hurt or offend him/her.  Honestly, I don't wish bad on anyone in my past, even DH and he did lots of mean, hurtful things to me.  But he's my boys' dad and because of that I hope he finds some real happiness in his future.

It's 3:50 in the morning, and I'm awake...  Again...  It's been...  A couple weeks since I woke up in the middle of the night.  I think I went to bed too early last night because I've found sleep and my bed to be my escape.  But sometimes I can't escape anything in sleep.  I dream about things that matter to me, and wake up upset that life isn't how I want it to be.  But how DO I want it to be?  What DO I want?

Today I pay for the Guardian Ad Lietum (spelling?) for the boys.  $350 for a court appointed attorney who will represent the boys' best interest in the custody hearing.  DH has his first meeting with the GAL next week. I'm sour about that.  He had money to pay for the GAL right away, so he'll be introduced to him first.  The $350 will take nearly all of today's paycheck for me...  and that stings...The child support order was issued a couple weeks ago but DH's employer won't take the money out for another month minimum, and they won't do it retroactively.  So what do I do in the meantime?  I can only work so many hours without getting worn out and beat down.  I enjoy working with my co-workers, but can I say I love my job?  Absolutely not!  I NEVER saw myself working in fast food, especially with my education. 

So where do I go from here?  How do I fulfill my bucket list without going crazy from lonliness in the meantime?  How do I enjoy and be happy every second with my boys when sometimes I just want to cry?  I can't let them see that.  It's not their responsibility to make Mommy happy.  It's my responsibility to make myself happy.  But what do I do to make myself happy without being self-destructive?  Wow, that sounds bad.  No, I don't want to drink or drug myself. 

Wow...  as I typed the last sentence, today's Note from the Universe came in...

"The trick with courage, Kimberly, is realizing that it isn't so much about overcoming fear, as it is about not settling for less. And then, it comes as effortlessly as a midsummer's night breeze.

Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh-a-a-a-a-a-a, who-o-o-osh -
The Universe"

So, I need courage.  I need to know what I'm not settling for.  So let me start setting some mini-goals...  Some of these may seem small and trivial, but if I can look back in the next month and see that I've accomplished them, I'll feel a lot better.

1. Get an oil change for my car.  It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money.
2. Inquire about design jobs.  I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me.
3. Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection. 
4. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.
5. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely.
6. Make a wreath for my front door with my boys.
7. Start cooking actual meals.  Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me.
8. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.
9. Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha.
10. Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket.
11. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.

So, that's my goal for February 18 - March 17.  I'm going to work on focusing on these items and only these.  Some will be easier than others.  Today, I will tackle #11.  I'll buy UNO or a deck of cards, because that's all I can really afford, and we can play UNO or War this weekend. 

Today I work at 11am.  No, I'm not going to get there three hours early, haha.  But I think I'm going to go concentrate on me for the time being.  Either by way of sleep or by starting the next square for my blanket or by watching a show on TV.  Honestly, sleep is the hardest followed by knitting, because I tend to think and dwell on my lonliness.  I need to find something new to think about.  About the positive heading my way.  About how I see my life in the future, even if the future is today.  Positive visualization.  I'll make that...

  12.  Positive visualization.

DAY 13

Wow... Day 13. Maybe I'm just sleep deprived but I find it coincidental that I worked 13 hours today. 5 hours of overtime so YAY me!
I really don't have that much to write so don't be surprised that this one's short. Today had its highs and lows, and I think I dealt with the lows alright. Money is a constant concern right now, but it will work itself out soon enough... Hopefully...

DAY FIVE - Part 3

Ahhhh... A three hour rest after work and dinner with my boys has left me completely refreshed!  However now it's 11:25pm, and I'm awake with no intention of going to sleep soon and no clue what of what to do with myself.

Work was hectic today, as our District Manager made a surprise visit for the day, and despite his attempts to improve the restaurant, he seemed to slow us all down with constant interuptions and meetings.  I'm just glad I wasn't called out on, and he didn't notice that I forgot to put on my non-slip shoes at first.

Childcare continues to be an area of frustration for me...  I'm not receiving child support as of yet, and despite DH's lawyer's word that he would pay for childcare, I have not seen those funds yet either.  I won't deny that I am receiving assistance, however, the terms for the assistance only allow for a specific 6 hours per day, 1/2 hour of which the daycare is closed.  On days like today when school is once again cancelled because of the weather, I am left scrambling trying to find a place for Things 1 and 2 to go before they can go to daycare.  My friends have been wonderful in their willingness to help me over the past two months, however there's only so many times I can ask them to be a Mom-taxi for me.  I would like to just put them in full-time day-care, however that is just so far out of my budget.  It's almost a Catch-22 actually.  I have gotten a second job as a furniture rep covering Lima to Cincinnati, however I can't really start that position until I have full-time daycare.  And I can't pay for full-time daycare until I start the job and start making sales.  I've seen this so many times in the past in the interior design industry.  How are you supposed to get experience in a particular niche in the design industry (i.e. hospitality or retail) if no one will give you the opportunity to get experience?  OK...  So maybe it's not exactly the SAME thing.  But it feels like it...