Day 148, Post 1

I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.

Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.

The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.

DAY 57, Post 5

Now I'm 95% sure about what I saw earlier.  And instead of being angry, I'm just sad.

Revelations like this make me wonder why would God do this?  I know He tests us in so many ways, but why would He make us so happy just to take us to a point of unhappiness and heartbreak that was never known before?  I can't imagine the lesson that I am supposed to learn in this.

I put myself out on the line again, and I'm realizing I'm just being foolish.  An idiot is a person who keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result.  While I would like to think the idiot is NOT me, perhaps it is.  And it sucks.  Sucks that I would put myself out there repeatedly and only get an ounce of respect in return, at the most.

While some would say they would rather not hurt somebody and therefore not respond, I think that's chickenish and even more hurtful.  And I doubt that person can be honest with him/herself if they can't be honest with others.  And I don't want to be a digger, but dammit...  Be honest already!  What are you going to gain in the world if you can't be?  Only more hurt for you AND other people!