Stepping away from typing up yesterday's post (a day late) I'm faced with a completely new set of feelings. While I stand by yesteday's thoughts that I have learned how to live, and that every moment needs to be appreciated and cherished, it takes on a completely new meaning to me.
While there are no results yet, I received word from a doctor yesterday that the results from a routine exam came back abnormal and that further testing and a biopsy are necessary. Without going into too much detail, the outcome from this (if negative) could impact Dave and my ability to have children of our own, which we very much would like to do. And while I am trying to stay positive, the "What-if's" sometimes get the best of me.
A follow up exam was scheduled for February 15, however I decided to call today and see if the doctor had had any cancellations. My favorite doctor in the office had a cancellation tomorrow at 2:15pm and I jumped on it. With our wedding on the horizon, I would like to know the results sooner rather than later. I don't like being on edge with the boys, and last night and this morning I was EXTREMELY irritable towards both of them, a fact which I am NOT proud of. I have taken pride in my ability to keep a level head with them in most situations, and last night and this morning I most certainly did not.
On the flip side, this has certainly reinforced yesterday's post... For me at least. Cherish every moment. Don't (or try not to) stress over the things you can't control. And take time for hugs and kisses, no matter how late you're running. It's these moments you will and want to remember.
I brought Dave's headphones to work today so that I can listen to K-Love and the first song I heard when I turned it on was "Hope Now" by Addison Road. The chorus really got to me...
Everything rides on hope now
Everything runs on Faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free.
In the past year I have been given MANY blessings, including a wonderful man who loves me and a renewed relationship with God, who I can praise and give thanks to everyday, despite everything I may or may not be experiencing. He has a path for me. I just have to remember to be patient to find out what that path is and where it will take me.
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Day 351
I've been wanting to write so badly for the last couple of weeks, however I wanted to wait to share the incredible news I have...
Dave and I are engaged!
Throughout each day, every day, I never cease to be astounded by the changes and experiences I have had over the past year. And now I have gone back around full circle to where I wanted to be when I started this blog nearly a year ago.
Now I am in the process of knitting my wedding dress for the small ceremony, which we will be having in March with immediate family. Here's where I am right now...
I'm only about 15 inches (of 41) through, but I hope it will speed up a little now that I am starting to decrease. It's worked from the bottom up in a feather and fan pattern. All I can REALLY hope is that it fits when it is finished.
Dave and I are engaged!
Throughout each day, every day, I never cease to be astounded by the changes and experiences I have had over the past year. And now I have gone back around full circle to where I wanted to be when I started this blog nearly a year ago.
Now I am in the process of knitting my wedding dress for the small ceremony, which we will be having in March with immediate family. Here's where I am right now...
I'm only about 15 inches (of 41) through, but I hope it will speed up a little now that I am starting to decrease. It's worked from the bottom up in a feather and fan pattern. All I can REALLY hope is that it fits when it is finished.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Day 148, Post 1
I'm sitting at Thing 2's final tee-ball game of the season, enjoying it immensely because his dad isn't here to bring the night down with his negativity. The only damp part of the evening is the wet in my hair and on my shirt from the Mountain Dew I doused myself with while getting out of the car.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Thing 2 and I had quite the conversation on the way to the ball field. It revolved around God and ended with a discussion about death and heaven. We promised each other that whoever dies first will watch down over the other and will give hugs and kisses to the other when he/she dies and joins them. I made him promise that if I die before him that he won't be too sad because he'll see me again, and he made me promise the same. It's amazing how deep a conversation with a five-year-old can be.
The boys have both been questioning Dave and I about step-parents and about us getting married. While neither of us is ready (whether financially, physically and/or mentally), I have no doubt that it is in our future. Honestly, the only things stopping me are my bankruptcy (I don't want to have to include him because he's my spouse) and the fact that his daughter is not here. I told Dave last week that if/when we get married, I will NOT do it unless she is there. His response? He would like to include her IN the wedding, like as the flower girl. BIG happy sigh.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DAY 65, Post 2
Well, today could be the day! And although I'm overwhelmingly excited about that possibility, I'm starting to feel very nervous. Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself.
I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there. And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close. The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore. It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys. I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me. OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us. And he watches my every move.
I started my own personal counseling this morning. It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it. So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists. The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me. I need to be pushed. I need to be challenged. And I hope to get this from her.
I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday. It had me at 141 pounds. Yikes. Or Yay? I don't really know what to think. The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds. I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college. And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes. My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore. Who would've known that boobs would shrink?
I've written my list of wants, which I will give to my attorney as a reminder when I get there. And I hope that what I can get is somewhere close. The most important thing on the list, is something I really can't ask for, but I would like for him to not harass me anymore. It's becoming an ongoing issue, especially when he attends every single sporting event/practice for the boys, including on the days/weekends when I have the boys. I should note, however, that not only does he attend, but he sits right next to me. OK, not right next to me, but only leaving space for the kids between us. And he watches my every move.
I started my own personal counseling this morning. It was very personal, however I'm hoping to get a lot out of it. So far my therapist seems very communicative, which is definitely better than a couple of my past therapists. The type that just sits there and doesn't say a word doesn't do anything for me. I need to be pushed. I need to be challenged. And I hope to get this from her.
I weighed myself on the Wii balance board yesterday. It had me at 141 pounds. Yikes. Or Yay? I don't really know what to think. The funny thing is, the Wii said my ideal weight is 140 pounds. I haven't weighed 140 (or 141) pounds since I graduated college. And while I think I look great, I'm growing frustrated with having to buy new clothes. My favorite bra doesn't even fit anymore. Who would've known that boobs would shrink?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
DAY 63, Post 2
The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.
This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.
Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.
Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.
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