This day is already emotionally hard, and I want so much but I feel incredibly selfish. Maybe I said that wrong... I want to give so much.
I'm at the Y with the boys right now, but my head and heart are elsewhere. Is he ok? Is he celebrating his birthday alone? Is he curled up with his blankets over his head wallowing? Would a hug make any of it better? Did he get my birthday card or my email? If so, did he appreciate them or does he even care that I sent them?
I detest this not-knowing. I am not a fan of uncertainty, and despite all I do, I care too much to... Not care. It's not in me.
It's not even my birthday, but I care too much about whether or not it's a good one to stop thinking about it... About him. And the silence is deafening.
Showing posts with label Birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Birthday. Show all posts
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
DAY 47, Post 2
It's been quite a day, and emotionally draining just about the whole way.
I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that. Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.
But... I went to the mall. With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me. I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40. I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.
After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit. I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow. I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside. And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.
Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment. They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match. I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits. To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad. That was sooo hard for me to hear. He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him. It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy." I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys. Do they make bad decisions sometimes? Yes! But don't we all?
DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances. And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough. It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.
I had forgotten that I had requested today off months ago for CL-WoW's birthday which is tomorrow, and it was hard to sit here thinking about that. Even though I closed last night and got out really late, I almost wished I would get called in today just so I would have something to keep my mind off of him.
But... I went to the mall. With having lost so much weight, my clothes are a constant battle for me. I managed to find some REALLY nice sales at Old Navy and got a pair of pants, two shirts and a dress (appropriate for interviews, work or going out) for a total of $40. I felt really good about that, although it does hurt to spend any money on myself.
After shopping I was tired (a combination of working late, going to bed at 2am and getting up at 7:30am) and laid down for a little bit. I finished reading Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and am looking forward to starting Exodus tomorrow. I tried to take a nap after, however Penny found the opportunity to bark at every single noise outside. And considering what a BEAUTIFUL day it was, there was a lot of noise between kids, people, etc.
Tonight Things 1 and 2 had their worst meltdown since we moved into this apartment. They were fighting over my computer, and it turned into a shoving/biting/hitting match. I told them it was time for bed (it was 8:30) and they had MAJOR fits. To the point that Thing 1 told me he was going to jump out his bedroom window and he wanted to live with his dad. That was sooo hard for me to hear. He also told me that he is a "bad boy" and none of the kids at school like him. It took about 20 minutes for me to correct this right frame of mind, and I had to tickle him until he would say "I'm not a bad boy." I do not want my boys to believe they are bad boys. Do they make bad decisions sometimes? Yes! But don't we all?
DH and I texted just a few minutes ago about the rough night, and it turns out the boys are telling both of us that the other parent gives them three chances. And we both tell them that they know the rules and one chance to correct their behavior is enough. It's nice that although we really can't talk, we can at least agree on one thing.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
DAY 31, Post 5
I'm pooped. And I'm thankful that although this day was somewhat draining, I feel like I'll be able to go to sleep peacefully tonight.
But I realized I couldn't go to sleep without thanking my mom for the haircut she paid for for my birthday. I must admit, the Before picture is better than the After. But I now have the nice crisp ends that always accompany a haircut. Considering how much I play with my hair when I'm thinking, I've already been enjoying feeling them, haha.
But I realized I couldn't go to sleep without thanking my mom for the haircut she paid for for my birthday. I must admit, the Before picture is better than the After. But I now have the nice crisp ends that always accompany a haircut. Considering how much I play with my hair when I'm thinking, I've already been enjoying feeling them, haha.
Before... Somehow it looks like I had on lipstick, even though I didn't...
After... Looking washed out for some reason. But my hair lost 1/2" - 1".
This is the longest my hair has been in years, and I was amazed that Karen said my hair was healthy, despite the fact that I haven't felt like eating much. It must be all the steak I eat at work!
DAY 31, Post 3
I'm doing pretty well tackling my to-do list, although right now I'm at the doctors office waiting to be seen. So far I've done all the dishes, cleaned out my car, cleaned and vacuumed my room, cleaned my bathroom (with the exception of the toilet), cleaned the half-bath (again, with the exception of the toilet), and done a ton of laundry. I've also hung most of the pictures, but I found a couple more I want to put up.
My to-do list doesn't seem to be distracting me very well though. I'm still thinking way too much. And although I appreciate all of the birthday wishes I've received, I'm sorry that I haven't responded to one of them personally yet. I'd rather just think of today as any other day where I don't have to work. I don't feel like thinking about it being by birthday. It's just not a happy day for me...
DAY 31, Post 2
DEEP Sigh... So it's the day. But I've decided to give myself a to-do list to keep myself occupied. The first task is/was cleaning up my living room, and I've been watching reruns of The Office. Wouldn't you know, one of my favorite openers was on the episode I turned on...
I can't get the YouTube blogger share feature to work properly, but click here to see the clip I'm talking about. I would be the one to sit there waiting for the colorful cube to hit the corner.
Anyway, here's my To-Do List for the day...
I can't get the YouTube blogger share feature to work properly, but click here to see the clip I'm talking about. I would be the one to sit there waiting for the colorful cube to hit the corner.
Anyway, here's my To-Do List for the day...
- Clean/vacuum living room
- Do dishes
- Clean kitchen
- Clean all bathrooms
- Finish all laundry and put away
- Clean out car
- Hang photos I found from Photo101 in college
- Go to bank and turn in tip change
- Follow up on WPAFB interior design project
- Finish knitting front of sweater
- Finish knitting blanket block
- Clean/vacuum boys bedrooms
- Clean/vacuum my room
DAY 31, Post 1
So today I don't turn 30, but 32... But here's MY birthday song and today's Song of the Day...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
DAY 30, Post 6
The seven o'clock hour is for some reason always very hard for me. It seems to drag along, with Nick on the TV, boys arguing, me trying to figure out what to focus on, and every.second.ticking.by.slowly.
Tonight is no different.
I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone. Without kids. Without family. Alone. Joy.
I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill. Do I bake myself a cake? Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch? Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians? That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...
I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow. I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night. I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow. But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste. And I wish it wasn't. The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry. My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason. And it sucks. I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years.... With a shrimp ring and champagne. THAT was a GREAT night... And 2011 was to be great too...
Tonight is no different.
I am trying to figure out what to do with myself tomorrow. With the changes I made earlier this week, I'm now spending my birthday alone. Without kids. Without family. Alone. Joy.
I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30am and a haircut at 3pm, but that leaves a lot of hours throughout the rest of the day to fill. Do I bake myself a cake? Do I take myself out to a cheap lunch? Do I buy Kahlua and toast the night away with White Russians? That's how I started Christmas Eve before the "Beep Beep" surprised me and gave me the best present ever...
I think I've been ridiculously daydreaming that anything significant could come of tomorrow. I wish I knew I could go "beep beep" him and enjoy coffee and a donut tomorrow night. I wish I knew I would hear a "beep beep" tomorrow. But my gut is telling me my wishing is a waste. And I wish it wasn't. The thought of spending my birthday alone just makes me want to cry. My boys will be with their dad, my family is all in New York, and the one person who said months ago that he would spend my birthday and D-Day with me, has walked away without reason. And it sucks. I want to bring in my birthday like we did New Years.... With a shrimp ring and champagne. THAT was a GREAT night... And 2011 was to be great too...
DAY 30, Post 5
So here it is... My last photo of myself as a 31 year old. And I'm wearing the coat my mom gave me for my birthday. Thanks, Mom!
DAY 30, Post 2
Yea, another 2am post. I fell asleep with Thing 2 in his bed last night and woke up 15 minutes ago feeling incredibly selfish. Why? Because I want to spend time with somebody on my birthday. And I know he has stuff he wants/needs to be focusing on and it's not me... Right now.
I don't know that it WILL ever be me again. And I feel like a hypocrite. I have that "Focus on what you NEED! Not what you want..." sign on my monitor and I'm not allowing him to do that. I want to be there for him, but... I don't want to make him angry by asking for time away from what he NEEDS to be focusing on. Even if I'm only trying to do it as a friend.
His birthday is coming up too. March 19. Another Pisces. I'd LOVE to celebrate that day with him. Start year #31 off right and with a smile and laughter. Way back when I had taken the day off work. I never gave it back. But that's HIS day, and I hope he finds everything he's looking for on it. And I hope "K" is still in town to celebrate it with him. (That's all I will say about "K.")
I won't deny that I have ideas about a birthday Cross County Care Package. However seeing as I woke up to my internet not working, possibly because I haven't paid the bill, it's hard to justify spending a penny on someone besides the boys and I. BUT, I'm a giving person. And even if I don't do the package, or don't do it in the way I would have liked, the thought it there. And it's the thought that counts, right? Or so society has taught us...
The thought IS there... Constantly.
I don't know that it WILL ever be me again. And I feel like a hypocrite. I have that "Focus on what you NEED! Not what you want..." sign on my monitor and I'm not allowing him to do that. I want to be there for him, but... I don't want to make him angry by asking for time away from what he NEEDS to be focusing on. Even if I'm only trying to do it as a friend.
His birthday is coming up too. March 19. Another Pisces. I'd LOVE to celebrate that day with him. Start year #31 off right and with a smile and laughter. Way back when I had taken the day off work. I never gave it back. But that's HIS day, and I hope he finds everything he's looking for on it. And I hope "K" is still in town to celebrate it with him. (That's all I will say about "K.")
I won't deny that I have ideas about a birthday Cross County Care Package. However seeing as I woke up to my internet not working, possibly because I haven't paid the bill, it's hard to justify spending a penny on someone besides the boys and I. BUT, I'm a giving person. And even if I don't do the package, or don't do it in the way I would have liked, the thought it there. And it's the thought that counts, right? Or so society has taught us...
The thought IS there... Constantly.
Monday, February 28, 2011
DAY 29, Post 4
The Cross County Care Package was mailed today. It will be there tomorrow. I'm taking a deep breath and hoping it doesn't get a "oh f***" response from him. I will continue to send them though. The front of the sweater is almost completed, but he'll be getting a sleeve, the hoodie and front pocket before he gets the front or green sleeve. I would hope that all the pieces would be reunited with both of us present, not just in one package or another. A girl can hope, can't she?
I got my hours for work today and they are a little bit... Depressing... 14 hours this week. I had today off, have Wednesday (my birthday!) and Thursday off, and then don't work Saturday or Sunday because it's my weekend with the boys. I'm really looking forward to going to church on Sunday though. I just wish I didn't have to feel bad when the tithe basket goes by without a contribution from me. It's amazing how much I can count every penny when I've been HORRIBLE about money in the past.
I think about all the things I want to do with my paychecks and child support (when it starts coming in), however I look at the little sign I put on my monitor and refocus...
Yes, there is the exception of CL-WoW. However he's the only exception for the time being. And I wouldn't so much call him a focus as a... Distraction. Little things keep reminding me of him and don't allow him to get out of my head. So, I'll take that as a sign (yes, I believe in signs), that it's not time to let go yet. Something will tell me if/when that time comes.
I got my hours for work today and they are a little bit... Depressing... 14 hours this week. I had today off, have Wednesday (my birthday!) and Thursday off, and then don't work Saturday or Sunday because it's my weekend with the boys. I'm really looking forward to going to church on Sunday though. I just wish I didn't have to feel bad when the tithe basket goes by without a contribution from me. It's amazing how much I can count every penny when I've been HORRIBLE about money in the past.
I think about all the things I want to do with my paychecks and child support (when it starts coming in), however I look at the little sign I put on my monitor and refocus...
Yes, there is the exception of CL-WoW. However he's the only exception for the time being. And I wouldn't so much call him a focus as a... Distraction. Little things keep reminding me of him and don't allow him to get out of my head. So, I'll take that as a sign (yes, I believe in signs), that it's not time to let go yet. Something will tell me if/when that time comes.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
DAY 24, Post 3
Ahhhh... The joy of sitting on my butt at home after a day at work. Today's work included scrubbing the grout between the floor and cove base. It's nice and white now but damn! I could join the military with my floor scrubbing-with-a-brush skills! Too bad I can't do a pull-up... yet...
I have two... Well... Three pairs of jeans, two that I can wear to work. One I already knew were too big and required a belt. The second pair today proved that they are reaching that point as well. I NEVER thought I would be down to this weight again. I mean, I haven't been in the 150's since BEFORE I got pregnant with #1. That was 9 years ago! Woo hoo! Now I'm just going to start doing crunches and home exercises so that I keep the weight off. Anybody know of any good exercises to make legs look as good as the belly?
Tonight, and every Wednesday night, DH has the boys. They all had a meeting this afternoon with the Guardian ad Lietum (spelling?), and I wish I had been a fly on the wall to see/hear how it went. The GAL, for those of you who don't know, is an attorney appointed by the court to give his/her recommendation on who should get custody of the boys. I didn't have the money to pay my half until I was paid last week, so my initial appointment isn't until next week. DH's home visit with the boys and the GAL is next Wednesday night... My birthday. I can't say I'm necessarily disappointed about not having the boys on my birthday, but my birthday in general brings mixed feelings. I hadn't seen my 32nd year starting this way. But it's going to be a GREAT year. I won't settle for anything else.
My co-workers at CMG joke about my "Black Book." Being the outgoing person that I have become, there isn't a week that goes by that I don't get a phone number, business card or prayer from a customer. Actually, that's how C.T. and I met, haha. Last week I racked up all three, but the phone numbers weren't from people interested in dating me. The first was from a single mom on Valentine's Day who joked about how she was going to take her food home with a bottle of wine and wallow in her singleness for the night. I joked with her about how I wanted to go to the grocery and borrow their motorized cart. The business cards were from a personal trainer (I have a free training session!) and a lawyer who randomly asked me if I, or anyone else in my life, needed a prayer. I said yes, and mentioned myself and one other (for individual prayers), and he and his companion broke out in prayer in the middle of the dining room. While I appreciated the gesture, I must admit it felt rather... awkward.
To our customers who wear AXE cologne... God, you smell GOOD!
On that note, I've decided to revise and share my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet" in one of my future posts. Hope it's read and appreciated by someone worthy!
I have two... Well... Three pairs of jeans, two that I can wear to work. One I already knew were too big and required a belt. The second pair today proved that they are reaching that point as well. I NEVER thought I would be down to this weight again. I mean, I haven't been in the 150's since BEFORE I got pregnant with #1. That was 9 years ago! Woo hoo! Now I'm just going to start doing crunches and home exercises so that I keep the weight off. Anybody know of any good exercises to make legs look as good as the belly?
Tonight, and every Wednesday night, DH has the boys. They all had a meeting this afternoon with the Guardian ad Lietum (spelling?), and I wish I had been a fly on the wall to see/hear how it went. The GAL, for those of you who don't know, is an attorney appointed by the court to give his/her recommendation on who should get custody of the boys. I didn't have the money to pay my half until I was paid last week, so my initial appointment isn't until next week. DH's home visit with the boys and the GAL is next Wednesday night... My birthday. I can't say I'm necessarily disappointed about not having the boys on my birthday, but my birthday in general brings mixed feelings. I hadn't seen my 32nd year starting this way. But it's going to be a GREAT year. I won't settle for anything else.
My co-workers at CMG joke about my "Black Book." Being the outgoing person that I have become, there isn't a week that goes by that I don't get a phone number, business card or prayer from a customer. Actually, that's how C.T. and I met, haha. Last week I racked up all three, but the phone numbers weren't from people interested in dating me. The first was from a single mom on Valentine's Day who joked about how she was going to take her food home with a bottle of wine and wallow in her singleness for the night. I joked with her about how I wanted to go to the grocery and borrow their motorized cart. The business cards were from a personal trainer (I have a free training session!) and a lawyer who randomly asked me if I, or anyone else in my life, needed a prayer. I said yes, and mentioned myself and one other (for individual prayers), and he and his companion broke out in prayer in the middle of the dining room. While I appreciated the gesture, I must admit it felt rather... awkward.
To our customers who wear AXE cologne... God, you smell GOOD!
On that note, I've decided to revise and share my "Soul Mate Spec Sheet" in one of my future posts. Hope it's read and appreciated by someone worthy!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
DAY 21, Post 3
It's been a lovely day... A lovely weekend for that matter...
Today Thing 2 had a Jedi Training birthday party to go to, and he came home with a new Yoda costume and a bag full of candy from a pinata. I asked him if they used their light sabers to break into the pinata and he said no, a golf club. Hmmm... Seems some Jedi wasn't quite thinking about the powers of the force.
I went in to get my schedule this afternoon and I have tomorrow and Tuesday off and I work Wednesday 10-5. I'm thinking this means I'll be working full days this weekend, but as long as I get a fair share of hours I'll be satisfied. I told CT this afternoon though that I plan on getting a full-time day job by the end of March. I WILL get a full-time day job by the end of March. While I love my co-workers at CMG, I would much rather know that I have every night and weekend to myself... as well as not have to clean bathrooms and the lovely floor drains. I'll keep my job at CMG so that I can maintain my health insurance post-divorce, however I need... Something more...
On the way home from picking up Thing 2 from the birthday party we stopped at Family Video and got a couple movies (for me and CT) and a video game. The movies are Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Monty Python and the Life of Brian.
Mom asked me this morning if I would rather have clothes or money for my birthday, and the most honest answer I could give her was "Mom, I have no idea what size I wear." Jeans I bought in October or November no longer fit, to the point that they fall off my hips when I'm at work. It's ridiculous to think I've lost that much in just three months.
And on to the NASCAR race... Denny Hamlin almost had it for me. But with four laps left some other drivers crashed and sent him back to 24th position. He made it back up to 21 though, but entering the season with 21 isn't exactly where I wanted to be.
Tonight I am making Lasagne for dinner. Is it homemade? No. But this awesome Stoffeurs lasagne has been sitting in my freezer for some time now and I'm looking for it to be gone. I didn't make breakfast today, and honestly, for the first time in a weeks I didn't miss Breakfast with the Beatles. Maybe that means I'm finally moving on. Yay me!
Today Thing 2 had a Jedi Training birthday party to go to, and he came home with a new Yoda costume and a bag full of candy from a pinata. I asked him if they used their light sabers to break into the pinata and he said no, a golf club. Hmmm... Seems some Jedi wasn't quite thinking about the powers of the force.
I went in to get my schedule this afternoon and I have tomorrow and Tuesday off and I work Wednesday 10-5. I'm thinking this means I'll be working full days this weekend, but as long as I get a fair share of hours I'll be satisfied. I told CT this afternoon though that I plan on getting a full-time day job by the end of March. I WILL get a full-time day job by the end of March. While I love my co-workers at CMG, I would much rather know that I have every night and weekend to myself... as well as not have to clean bathrooms and the lovely floor drains. I'll keep my job at CMG so that I can maintain my health insurance post-divorce, however I need... Something more...
On the way home from picking up Thing 2 from the birthday party we stopped at Family Video and got a couple movies (for me and CT) and a video game. The movies are Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Monty Python and the Life of Brian.
I find it quite amusing how some things seem to parallel (YOU will know what I'm talking about). Last weekend we got Paranormal Activity 2. Not as good as Paranormal Activity (1) in my opinion but still scary.
CT is helping me achieve my fitness goals, even if for now I'm just getting psyched about them and haven't started working on them yet. Having lost 60-70 pounds in the past year I've got a little bit of belly to burn away, and I'll be doing crunches everyday until I have money to do something more (like join a gym) about it. Push-ups may also be in the cards, but... I've never been a fan of push-ups. It would be nice, however, to finally be able to do a pull-up. I've NEVER been able to do one. Imagine that, being able to do my first pull-up at age 32. How completely satisfying! Oh, how I would love a belly like Gillian Michaels'.
Mom asked me this morning if I would rather have clothes or money for my birthday, and the most honest answer I could give her was "Mom, I have no idea what size I wear." Jeans I bought in October or November no longer fit, to the point that they fall off my hips when I'm at work. It's ridiculous to think I've lost that much in just three months.
And on to the NASCAR race... Denny Hamlin almost had it for me. But with four laps left some other drivers crashed and sent him back to 24th position. He made it back up to 21 though, but entering the season with 21 isn't exactly where I wanted to be.
Tonight I am making Lasagne for dinner. Is it homemade? No. But this awesome Stoffeurs lasagne has been sitting in my freezer for some time now and I'm looking for it to be gone. I didn't make breakfast today, and honestly, for the first time in a weeks I didn't miss Breakfast with the Beatles. Maybe that means I'm finally moving on. Yay me!
DAY 21, Post 2
Ahhh... Today is... NASCAR's opening day! Ha ha. I should be sitting here making my pick but my head and heart just aren't in it. Yea, this city-chick-turned-country-hick is in a season-long NASCAR pool, thanks to my dear Aunt Flushy.
I started knitting Block 4 of my blanket last night and then started watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I made it through the first movie, but only 20 minutes of the second before falling asleep.
I've begun to resent checking my mail, email or postal mail. Yesterday after getting back from the YMCA I checked the mail to find a ton of paperwork regarding the divorce. I'm getting highly frustrated because I need to turn in paperwork this week and I still haven't been able to get my file cabinet, or even the files within it, from DH.
Then when I checked my email this morning I had another response to an email I had made weeks ago for a surprise for CL-WoW. Why the hell can't the universe just let me continue on my path without constantly reminding me of him? The email was regarding his love for Deloreans (yes, the car from Back to the Future), and was telling me he could/can have a ride in one on March 4 in Cincinnati if he wants one. Sigh... I tried to set this up with such good intentions, so why does it make me feel so much like shit?
Thing 2 has a birthday party this afternoon with a Jedi training theme, and I'm trying to figure out something affordable to do with Thing 1 while that's going on. Well, forget affordable. Let's just be honest here. Something FREE. It will make me sound extremely cheap, but the $10 birthday present for this little boy REALLY doesn't fit into my budget.
Well, back to my NASCAR selection. I don't want to get penalized the first race for not having made my pick!
I started knitting Block 4 of my blanket last night and then started watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I made it through the first movie, but only 20 minutes of the second before falling asleep.
I've begun to resent checking my mail, email or postal mail. Yesterday after getting back from the YMCA I checked the mail to find a ton of paperwork regarding the divorce. I'm getting highly frustrated because I need to turn in paperwork this week and I still haven't been able to get my file cabinet, or even the files within it, from DH.
Then when I checked my email this morning I had another response to an email I had made weeks ago for a surprise for CL-WoW. Why the hell can't the universe just let me continue on my path without constantly reminding me of him? The email was regarding his love for Deloreans (yes, the car from Back to the Future), and was telling me he could/can have a ride in one on March 4 in Cincinnati if he wants one. Sigh... I tried to set this up with such good intentions, so why does it make me feel so much like shit?
Thing 2 has a birthday party this afternoon with a Jedi training theme, and I'm trying to figure out something affordable to do with Thing 1 while that's going on. Well, forget affordable. Let's just be honest here. Something FREE. It will make me sound extremely cheap, but the $10 birthday present for this little boy REALLY doesn't fit into my budget.
Well, back to my NASCAR selection. I don't want to get penalized the first race for not having made my pick!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
DAY 16, Part 2
Wow... I guess it takes a truly nice (although somewhat messed up, haha) person to make me realize how truly fucked up other people are. I just asked my friend Chris to have lunch with me on my birthday so I would have something to look forward to (and I'll pay, haha) and not only did he say yes but he said he would take the day off from work. I must add that I said I didn't want him to take the day off from work because he, like me, needs the money, but really!?! He would do that!?! (His response to me saying I didn't want him to take the day off was "Why not? I can take a vacation day and still get paid.". Hmmmm...)
DH never took my birthday off, never offered to take my birthday off, and two years ago, on my 30th birthday, didn't even wish me a Happy Birthday because he was mad at me for some stupid reason or another. I didn't get my birthday present or "happy birthday" for three days...
Following up on my earlier post from today, I think I have to put the horse to sleep. It's unfortunate that some people don't want to see the good in others, even when she truly cares about him and wants to make sure he's ok. With all the shit I've been going through, I'm embarrassed now that I've been more worried about the horse's ailments than my own. So, fuck you, horse. You've given up something great. The grass is always greener somewhere, but I'm afraid it will be hard if not impossible to find greener than me. Oh, and I want the back of the sweater and coffee mug returned. If I can't get a return email or text when I write I care and/or worry about you, then no woman should knit you a sweater or drive 30 minutes for a 10 minute coffee break with you. I cared, to the point that I cried at work today, but the hell with you. You obviously were not who I thought you were and I was a fool to care about you.
Ahhh... Sorry to the rest of you. If you know me, then undoubtedly you know who I'm talking about. (Yes, jerk. I shared my feelings for you with others.) But damn, I feel better. I know he'll never read the above, because he doesn't care, but if by chance he does read it, I hope (and you know it's not like me to say this) it hurts like he hurt me.
Two minutes later...
I've deleted the number and texts (again) from my phone. He knows where I live, (as I do him), but should he ever want to apologize (sincerely) it will take a drive here and some major groveling. I'm done contacting him. Ill forgive in time, but forget, no. I don't think you can forget how much you cared for someone, especially when it wasn't reciprocal.
2011 will be a GREAT year... For ME...
DAY 16, Part 1
It was a rough day at work. I was talking to a coworker and she said to me, "You can't ride a dead horse." Well, what if the horse isn't dead but just wants to walk for a while? I couldn't help but to think about this for the rest of the day... Seven hours. Obviously I'm still thinking about it now.
I was making chips and one of my managers said, "Kim, your chips are missing something! A smile!". I burst into tears. My coworkers know I'm going through a divorce and am having a hard time with a couple other "issues", but they know me to be an up-beat woman, normally full of smiles. Crying was definitely not something I wanted to do at work... Ever. I must have needed a good, short cry though, as I was able to joke and laugh for the two hours after that. I LOVE my coworkers!
For the rest of day I tried to think purely of a song in my head... I'm Alright by JoDee Messina. "It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight and I guess I'm doin' alright!"
So... The "dead" horse. I'm not giving up on it altogether. Maybe it's not meant to be ridden again, haha. But it can be kept well and nurtured and known that somebody cares about it. I think I'm going to give it a month in the pasture to take care of itself and mend, and maybe I'll check in then.
In the meantime I'm going to try to plan an inexpensive birthday day of pampering for myself. My hands look like shit, I could use a haircut, and my body just HURTS. I've been putting all my tip money into a jar (thanks to CL-WoW) and my friend Chris recommended saving it for Christmas. I think I'll use it on my birthday and save for the rest of the year for Christmas.
If you're reading this, I'd love to know! Please post comments if/when you have any.
XOXO,
Me
I was making chips and one of my managers said, "Kim, your chips are missing something! A smile!". I burst into tears. My coworkers know I'm going through a divorce and am having a hard time with a couple other "issues", but they know me to be an up-beat woman, normally full of smiles. Crying was definitely not something I wanted to do at work... Ever. I must have needed a good, short cry though, as I was able to joke and laugh for the two hours after that. I LOVE my coworkers!
For the rest of day I tried to think purely of a song in my head... I'm Alright by JoDee Messina. "It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight and I guess I'm doin' alright!"
So... The "dead" horse. I'm not giving up on it altogether. Maybe it's not meant to be ridden again, haha. But it can be kept well and nurtured and known that somebody cares about it. I think I'm going to give it a month in the pasture to take care of itself and mend, and maybe I'll check in then.
In the meantime I'm going to try to plan an inexpensive birthday day of pampering for myself. My hands look like shit, I could use a haircut, and my body just HURTS. I've been putting all my tip money into a jar (thanks to CL-WoW) and my friend Chris recommended saving it for Christmas. I think I'll use it on my birthday and save for the rest of the year for Christmas.
If you're reading this, I'd love to know! Please post comments if/when you have any.
XOXO,
Me
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