DAY 19, Post 2

Wow, I feel like an idiot.  A royal, world-class idiot.  I should have just let it go a month ago and done what I said I was going to do...  Concentrate on me and the boys.  Because the horse was dead then, and I was the crazy bat who was too blind to see it.

So now, I move on...  Those of you follow my blog are probably glad to hear it.  But now what do I do with myself?  I had tried moving on last week with the fire, haha, but I think I botched up that whole night and the week following pretty good.  And I think I offended someone else in the process and I don't like that.

I'm not a person who likes to hurt or offend others.  Perhaps I'm naive, but a person has to be REALLY mean for me to want to hurt or offend him/her.  Honestly, I don't wish bad on anyone in my past, even DH and he did lots of mean, hurtful things to me.  But he's my boys' dad and because of that I hope he finds some real happiness in his future.

It's 3:50 in the morning, and I'm awake...  Again...  It's been...  A couple weeks since I woke up in the middle of the night.  I think I went to bed too early last night because I've found sleep and my bed to be my escape.  But sometimes I can't escape anything in sleep.  I dream about things that matter to me, and wake up upset that life isn't how I want it to be.  But how DO I want it to be?  What DO I want?

Today I pay for the Guardian Ad Lietum (spelling?) for the boys.  $350 for a court appointed attorney who will represent the boys' best interest in the custody hearing.  DH has his first meeting with the GAL next week. I'm sour about that.  He had money to pay for the GAL right away, so he'll be introduced to him first.  The $350 will take nearly all of today's paycheck for me...  and that stings...The child support order was issued a couple weeks ago but DH's employer won't take the money out for another month minimum, and they won't do it retroactively.  So what do I do in the meantime?  I can only work so many hours without getting worn out and beat down.  I enjoy working with my co-workers, but can I say I love my job?  Absolutely not!  I NEVER saw myself working in fast food, especially with my education. 

So where do I go from here?  How do I fulfill my bucket list without going crazy from lonliness in the meantime?  How do I enjoy and be happy every second with my boys when sometimes I just want to cry?  I can't let them see that.  It's not their responsibility to make Mommy happy.  It's my responsibility to make myself happy.  But what do I do to make myself happy without being self-destructive?  Wow, that sounds bad.  No, I don't want to drink or drug myself. 

Wow...  as I typed the last sentence, today's Note from the Universe came in...

"The trick with courage, Kimberly, is realizing that it isn't so much about overcoming fear, as it is about not settling for less. And then, it comes as effortlessly as a midsummer's night breeze.

Whhhhhhhhhhhhhh-a-a-a-a-a-a, who-o-o-osh -
The Universe"

So, I need courage.  I need to know what I'm not settling for.  So let me start setting some mini-goals...  Some of these may seem small and trivial, but if I can look back in the next month and see that I've accomplished them, I'll feel a lot better.

1. Get an oil change for my car.  It's overdue and I've been neglecting it due to money.
2. Inquire about design jobs.  I may not like working at a desk all day, but I'd rather do that than give up my nights and weekends being bossed around by kids 10 years younger than me.
3. Buy some paint and start the S.O.S. collection. 
4. Keep my apartment clean and start throwing out clutter.
5. Turn off the lights and TV every night.  Yea, I must admit my electricity bill is inflated because turning off the lights and TV makes me lonely.
6. Make a wreath for my front door with my boys.
7. Start cooking actual meals.  Eating CMG and only CMG is not good for me.
8. Read every night, both to the boys and to myself.
9. Following up on #8, work on paying of the library tab, haha.
10. Knit 10 more blocks for my blanket.
11. Buy a new board or card game for my boys once a month and make a point of playing a game every night with them.

So, that's my goal for February 18 - March 17.  I'm going to work on focusing on these items and only these.  Some will be easier than others.  Today, I will tackle #11.  I'll buy UNO or a deck of cards, because that's all I can really afford, and we can play UNO or War this weekend. 

Today I work at 11am.  No, I'm not going to get there three hours early, haha.  But I think I'm going to go concentrate on me for the time being.  Either by way of sleep or by starting the next square for my blanket or by watching a show on TV.  Honestly, sleep is the hardest followed by knitting, because I tend to think and dwell on my lonliness.  I need to find something new to think about.  About the positive heading my way.  About how I see my life in the future, even if the future is today.  Positive visualization.  I'll make that...

  12.  Positive visualization.