DAY ONE

There's so much I could write about the last 14 years, or even about the last two months for that matter, but I've decided that I'm going to focus on today, tomorrow and beyond.  I curled up into bed ready to hibernate for the rest of the winter tonight, and started dwelling on the crappiness I have endured.  For those of you who know me, you know religion hasn't ever been a big part of my life, and it wasn't until the weekend following December 8 that I attended church...  for the first time in....  14 years for a non-wedding event.  But tonight in bed I prayed.  I asked God to tell me what to do.  I can't say I heard a response or have felt one yet, however I did get an hour and a half nap.  And it was dreamless, a miracle in its own right.

I've always had vivid dreams, but lately they have been bittersweet.  I wake thinking wonderful people from my past have re-entered my life in the positive place we left off...  usually where I was clueless and didn't see the slingshot of shit headed in my direction.  While I'd love to be able to go back to those days and change the course that followed thereafter, I have begun to realize that it was good, although it hurts terribly at times, that I took the road I did.  Perhaps I don't see the true benefits yet, I am praying to see why it played out this way somewhere down the road.

I received more court papers today, and again, I cried.  While I was afraid the last time that I was going to lose my boys, today I just wanted a hug...  And a map. Despite the scariness the last time I received papers, at that time I thought I had a positive and certain vision of my future.  Today the road looked empty despite blue skies.  I'm not a fan of uncertainty.  I want a road map telling me where this journey will take me. 

In the meantime, THANK YOU to those of you who have entered my life along my road so far.  I appreciate all you have done for me, and I hope you know you can count on me whenever you need a hug or anything in return.

And thank you, Robert Frost...  and to the boy who introduced me to this poem 16 years ago...

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

**Disclaimer...  If you're a part of my life, you will inevitably be mentioned in my blog at some point.  Unless I have permission from you, I will not use your name, and I will NEVER use your last name.  Until that point, if it ever comes, you will be given a nickname which you probably know already.  My apologies in advance if you are offended.  But this is my blog, and unless you want novel-length emails and texts from me on a daily basis, I think you'll agree that I can type it out.