DAY 63, Post 2

The boys had a sleepover in the living room last night, a topic of constant discussion if they know they don't have school the next day. I'm always amused, however, to see who sticks it out all night on the floor and who doesn't. It wasn't anything new to see Thing 1 in his bed this morning, and Thing 2 sprawled out across the living room sleepover space.

So here I am, sitting in bed, trying not to wake two little boys up who will surely be tired all day, with Penny in my lap. But darn, I'm hungry and want a cup of coffee. And let me tell you, it's a wonderful thing to feel hunger again. I guess it means that I'm beginning to get used to my life.

This morning I have baptism class at 9am. It's exciting for me to think I will be re-baptized in just three short weeks. And oh, what those three weeks will give. Back to the baptism, however, I'm dismayed by a scoffer in my life. He's trying to tell me that baptism will not take me from being a bad person to a good person. And I know that. But I don't consider myself to be a bad person. Have I made mistakes and sinned? Yes! But have I/do I ask for forgiveness for my sins? Yes! It's unfortunate, however, that just like the past 14 years, he believes he has the ability and right to judge me and others without any self-reflection on his own part. Aunt Flushy reminded me yesterday that it takes two to make a marriage, and it also takes two to break a marriage. And damn it, our marriage was broke a looooong time ago.

Pastor Mike repeatedly tells the congregation that it takes 24 hours of not praying or worshiping to lose your fear of God. While I have some issues with the thought of fearing God, I have seen how I lose touch with faith when I don't pray or worship at least once every 24 hours. And for the most part, my spirit takes a serious nose-dive in that time. So, I'm making a pact with myself to set aside time before bed every night for me to reflect and read the Bible and the "Our Daily Bread" Aunt Flushy sent me. Yesterday was a very powerful day having spent the time catching up, and I would love to feel that feeling of faith on a daily basis.

Actually, I wouldn't just love it, but I need it.

DAY 63, Post 1

Song of the Day...  Breakfast With the Beatles...

DAY 62, Post 5

I'm struggling tonight. With loneliness... With hurt... With worry. With anguish... With frustration. With too many thoughts... And I can't stand it.

I started a prayer notebook tonight, hoping that by praying to Jesus in written form (for some reason its easier for me to pray on paper than in my head) that I'll be able to ease my mind. Unfortunately I was left with one big question... Why?

Unfortunately I'm ready to cry myself to sleep, but although I'm just about there, I seem to be unable to cry. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks now. And it's not due to lack of emotion, because God knows that the emotion is there. But for some reason, I have lost the ability. And while some might think that to be a good thing, I could use a mind clearing, gut-wrenching cry. I don't know... Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking it will make me feel better.

DAY 62, Post 4

My evening thinking session has started early today, thanks to the March 28, 2011 "Our Daily Bread" article which I caught up on today.  A couple sections especially got to me...

Love is not blind but looks

Abroad through others' eyes,

And asks not, "Must I give?"

But, "May I sacrifice?" -Ziegler

Yea, I am approaching this quote first because it's easier for me to discuss.   I've done a lot lately, not because I felt I must give, but because I felt there were things I could myself sacrifice to do something for others.  And I did.  And no, love is not blind.  Sometimes, however, love gives the false impression that you can see clearly when actually you can't.  You can't always see what you're doing clearly, and unfortunately giving sometimes means hurting, both someone else and yourself.  Why someone else?  Because they can't give in return.  Which is where the rest comes in...

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,

not looking to your own interests

but each of you to the interests of the others.

-Philippians 2:3-4

I cannot deny for a second that a lot of my giving and sacrificing had selfish intents.  And I was looking to my own interests and not to the interests of others.  And after having read this I am feeling REALLY bad.  Like horribly bad.  Because I can't walk in anyone's shoes but my own, and while I would gladly walk in someone else's shoes to remove some of the stress, scariness, uncomfortableness, etc., those shoes are not mine and will not fit.  I can't walk on their shoes, but can only be asked to walk beside them, which I haven't been.  And, I won't deny that I've wanted that invitation.

BUT, I must also say, that I do wish I could help.  More than anything, I wish I could be Mary Poppins and snap my fingers to clean up the messes.  That would be a wonderful day.  But I'm not Mary Poppins.  I'm a 32-year old single-mother of two working a (basically) minimum wage job to pay my bills.  And they're not even all getting paid (on-time).  And somehow I need to focus on cleaning up my own messes, even if they are not the ones I want to focus on.  Because, how can I help anyone else if I don't have my rent paid, gas, water and electric paid for, a job, or food in my kitchen for me and my boys? 

DAY 62, Post 3

I decided to take my yarn and knitting needles to the YMCA with me earlier today, both as a boredom buster and so that DH couldn't drive me crazy.  And somehow, during the three hours that we were there, I managed to start and nearly finish yet another block for my blanket!  I only had two, three-minute rows to finish after getting home (and a short nap), and voila!