DAY 29, Post 4

The Cross County Care Package was mailed today.  It will be there tomorrow.  I'm taking a deep breath and hoping it doesn't get a "oh f***" response from him.  I will continue to send them though.  The front of the sweater is almost completed, but he'll be getting a sleeve, the hoodie and front pocket before he gets the front or green sleeve.  I would hope that all the pieces would be reunited with both of us present, not just in one package or another.  A girl can hope, can't she?

I got my hours for work today and they are a little bit...  Depressing...  14 hours this week.  I had today off, have Wednesday (my birthday!) and Thursday off, and then don't work Saturday or Sunday because it's my weekend with the boys.  I'm really looking forward to going to church on Sunday though.  I just wish I didn't have to feel bad when the tithe basket goes by without a contribution from me.  It's amazing how much I can count every penny when I've been HORRIBLE about money in the past.

I think about all the things I want to do with my paychecks and child support (when it starts coming in), however I look at the little sign I put on my monitor and refocus...

Yes, there is the exception of CL-WoW.  However he's the only exception for the time being.  And I wouldn't so much call him a focus as a...  Distraction.  Little things keep reminding me of him and don't allow him to get out of my head.  So, I'll take that as a sign (yes, I believe in signs), that it's not time to let go yet.  Something will tell me if/when that time comes.

DAY 29, Post 3

One step forward, two steps back... Or maybe not. I had to let go of something that wasn't working today. No, it wasn't CL-WoW. But I realized I couldn't proceed with how things were going with CT when I was clearly hung up elsewhere. So... I'll sit here and wait.

A Cross-County Care Package is all set to be mailed, however I fear that it will piss him off. And that's the last thing I want to do. But I care. So when these little things kept showing up, I couldn't help but to gather them and wait til a package was full. And now it is.

I spent about two hours in my car this morning, just trying to get some clarity. I can't seem to think when I'm at home. Or, I can, but it's not necessarily the thoughts I'm looking for. I wound up at Schuler's Bakery, a place he raved about to me. I bought a donut that I haven't eaten yet. I don't know that I will. It just doesn't feel right.

Now I'm sitting outside of a 2pm job interview, clearing my head, on here, before I go in and knock the socks off them. :-). I had cancelled this same interview six weeks ago and last week decided to call and see if the job was still open. Wish me luck!

DAY 29, Post 2

It's nearly 5am and storming for the third time tonight.  Everytime the storms have come in Penny has started barking her head off, and this time the boys are awake too.  Some teachers are going to have lots of grumpy kids on their hands today.  Heck, I'm going to be grumpy too.

I've got a job interview at 2pm this afternoon.  I was supposed to have this interview six weeks about but cancelled it due to everything that happened the day before, and also the expectation that the job with DWA would go somewhere.  Well...  The job with DWA went nowhere and I'm tired of (not even) living paycheck to paycheck so I decided to call the man back.  Luckily he hasn't filled the position and was still interested in talking to me.  Thankfully I had only told him about the DWA job offer, so I could tell him that the job never started. 

Another strike of lightening.  I just want to get in my car and drive.  Thankfully the lack of gas in my gas tank and nearly empty bank account are keeping me home.  I have a feeling the empty roads would make me feel worse than I do right now.

DAY 29, Post 1

Song of the Day... If you're listening... Reading...

DAY 28, Post 2

Hmmm... I didn't want to go to work today... AT ALL. I wanted to sleep in and get lost in my dreams. Honestly, I'm looking forward to going to bed early tonight and getting all cozy in my bed with my body pillow.

I've done a lot of thinking during the past couple of days. About letting go, and going separate ways. Honestly, if you really care about someone, in any way, I don't think going separate ways should ever be up for discussion. So this isn't working for me. But... I'm trying. And for me, it's trying really hard. I'm working on the sweater right now. The sweater was never meant to be mine. It's not mine. It's his. And I want to finish it, green sleeve and all.